TTC #1 . . . confused and frustrated

[Asling]

Hi Everyone,

   A good friend of mine who had a baby about a year ago recommended this site to me, so here I am :)

More than anything else, I'm looking for advice and guidance from ladies who are going or have gone through the ordeal of trying to conceive for the first time.

I went off of the pill this past December, and was pleasantly surprised to have two regular cycles (for me, regular is 6 weeks on the dot), one right after the other. Had all of my usual symptoms that I remembered from when I'd been off BC (sore bbs, etc.). I also temped for those two cycles and noted a clear biphasic chart on each. So, as far as can I can tell, I did ovulate those two months.

It's now July/almost August, and no sign of AF (my last period was in late Feb.). My Gyn put me on provera for five days back in June, and I did respond to the medication by having a light withdrawal bleed, but I'm now going on seven weeks and there's no sign of an impending ovulation,much less AF.

There are a few curiosities though:

1) I have been an athlete since I was about 9, and my periods weren't regular until I was almost 20. I was diagnosed with multiple, small ovarian cysts when I was 19 and was put on BC to treat them (the pain was awful). Apparently, my body was trying to ovulate, but was under too much stress because of the intense workouts.

2) I went off BC for a couple of years back around 2006-2008 and did not notice any of those symptoms. Also did not experience ammenorrhea during that time, so far as I can recall.

3) I tried using the OPK sticks after the provera this past June to see if I could pick up a surge. They were the cheapie 20-pack from CVS and while I did pick up something close to a surge, nothing happened, and it was hard to tell whether they were still popping up as positive a week after the test line first went dark.

4) I've been under a heinous amount of stress the past semester, and am also nursing a couple of sports-related injuries.

I've been referred out to a specialist (who is male, which is fine, but not something I'm used to) and I'll be seeing him on the 4th of next month, but I'm really anxious about things at present. Not only am I worried about what's going to come of the appt, but I'm also stressed because my crappy health insurance policy (yey student status) doesn't cover fertility issues -- I was essentially told to ONLY talk about ammennhorea when I go there so that the visit will be covered. 

I get so frustrated and discouraged sometimes, because I feel so very much in the dark on just about everything. As someone whose been into athletics, yoga, and karate for many years I'm very in tune with my body, and not knowing what's wrong with me is really taking a toll stress-wise.

How do you ladies cope amidst all the uncertainty? I think, more than anything else, getting some solid advice on how to hang in there would help me more than anything.

Thanks in advance for any insights and advice you have to offer!

[mamaforever]

Hi Asling... You must feel so frustrated and worried about what would be the cause!  I'm certainly no expert and do know much about this sort of thing, but do you think it's possible that the hormones from the BCPs could still be messing up your cycles?  I know that it can take up to a year for many ladies after going off BCPs before getting their regular cycles back.  I went off BCP in January to TTC #2 and still have a too short luteal phase (and I think it's caused from the BCP).  Just a thought... hope you get some answers soon!  Hang in there! :)

[Asling]

Hi Traci!

  Thanks for writing. I think it's definitely possible, but I'm also worried that the cysts I had before I went on BCP could be coming back . . . which essentially means I'm not actually ovulating. Fortunately, I'm going to a specialist on Friday, I'm hoping he's got some answers for me!

I hope everything sorts out soon for you as well!  Thanks again :-)

[WantBabyDust]

Dear Asling,

First thing...try not to get stressed...coming from a person who worries about everything and anything! ;) Stress has incredible amount of effect on ovulation and menstrual cycle. It changes the hormonal levels in your body, like insulin and that in turn has effect on the hormones that regulate ovulation.  I know it can be very hard not to think and worry about what is going on with you body and what might happen, but since we don't have much control over it, it is better if we just let go. I have been TTC since March, and here are the things that I am doing to help my body: meditation, and reading up on how to control anxiety and stress.Try to listen to some affirmations (I found some on youtube). I have also sacrificed coffee, and occasional social drinking. Exercising, since I need to lose some weight (which I am sure you don't need to worry about).

BCP can cause issues with your cycle. I used to have very regular cycles before I started them, and even though I have stopped taking them (around 3 years back), I still can't get back to that regularity. I know how its hard to think about such things on a student health-insurance (was a student till last year)...but see if you can try some acupuncture. I have read in several forums that it can do wonders to get your body to its normal balanced state. 

Good luck! I am new to such a site, but I am glad I joined it. It feels encouraging and comforting to see other ladies who are also TTC...

[Asling]

Hey again :)

Thanks for reaching out! I definitely know how much an ovulation killer stress can be, and I've actually been going to an accupuncturist for a while now.  She's hesitant to treat me specifically for ovulation problems until we actually know what's going on -- which is definitely wise. Fortunately, this gyno appt. tomorrow will hopefully get me headed towards some answers!  Regarding the stress though, I spent a bit of time looking for meditation tapes on iTunes yesterday (thanks for that idea!!) -- I know for a fact that I've been horrendously stressed the past semester and my hunch is that that's the culprit. Do you have any you recommend in particular?

The GOOD news, however, is that I've got a ton of PMS symptoms right now -- clear temp spike, sore bbs, tendency to snap like a twig/cry for no reason, etc. My husband and I obviously didn't time our BDing around ovulation b/c I had given up on it happening anytime soon, so I'm not getting my hopes up that I'm pregnant or anything.  I'll tell you, though, I don't think I've EVER been so excited about the onset of sore bbs in my LIFE! LOL. Funny how changeable our perspective can be, no?

Edited by Asling - 8/3/11 at 11:04am

[WantBabyDust]

Hi Asling,

That's great...hope you get your AF this time, and I am sure that will be a stress reliever :) I hear so many stories about people getting pregnant as soon as they stop trying...recently I heard that about a friend-of-a-friend. She was about to try IVF, but just took a break for a couple of months before getting on board...and in came the good news! I am usually the worrier...and can't stop thinking and obsessing about Oing, LP, and then AF. So, I can very much relate to you. About meditation: try some mindful meditation for 10 mins everyday...that should be a good start. Google searching for it always brings up good results for me. Guided meditation is also a good thing to start with...the idea is to focus on something (sound, object, etc.) and let go of every other thing. Last year and the beginning of this year was extremely stressful for me as I was graduating and looking for jobs, and not finding much in my field. It has taken me a long time to kind of get back (my therapist says I am 30% there) to a normal state. Oh, my therapist says Bellaruth Neparstek's tapes are amazing...search for some on amazon. I thinking of getting one of them... 

[Jaimee]

Hi Asling and welcome to MDC!!    I'm sorry you've been having such a stressful and frustrating time TTC and figuring out what is happening with your body.  I'm glad to hear that you're charting- that will arm you with some great information to give your doctors.  Speaking of which, how was your appointment?  My fingers are crossed that something useful came out of it, but based on my own experience that is rarely the case.  Do you log your chart data on a free site like www.fertilityfriend.com?  If so, can you share your charts with us?  There are a lot of women on these boards that have long cycles with or without other PCOS symptoms and they may have some further advice.  You could consider posting a different thread along those lines here and/or in the infertility forum.  There are also a lot of threads on here for women TTC at different ages and stages in the journey (waiting to O, 2ww, etc.).  Check them out and jump in!

Just out of curiosity, what sports are you involved in and how strenuous is your training now?  This could still be affecting your cycles as could the BCP.  As a pp mentioned, many women have taken up to a year to regulate off the pill.  Good luck!

[Asling]

Hi Ladies!

First of all, thank you so so much for taking the time to respond to my post and reassure me! I have some insane news to share, but I will get you up to speed first :-)

To start, my new gyno is awesome. He completely understood the insurance complications (read: asshattery) and was more than willing to talk with me off the books, so to speak. The ultrasound this past Tuesday showed a few cysts, but nothing all that problematic. He said that they were more indicative of my hormones still trying to re-regulated after BC than a recurrence of the polycysts I had before. Those, it seems, were related to my D1 track and field career. Now that I'm doing karate and yoga, I seem to have calmed my system down considerably ;-) He decided to prescribe me clomid and have me start my first run once I got my period.  He said that the blood work showed that I'd ovulated prior to the visit! I had gone into the visit suspecting as much, as I'd written above (sore BBS, mood swings, etc.). I was able to calculate O-day to around July 27th -- I'd been temping again and caught a spike that day. My husband and I BDd that day as well, but more for the fun of it than anything else. It's been such a roller-coaster the past several months we didn't want to get our hopes up.

However, It's now day 17 past ovulation, and no AF in sight. Again, my cycles have been so unpredicable and so messed up that I really didn't have much hope. Nevertheless, I went ahead and bought a test last night just to check and see. I figured it would help to lay my mind at ease if nothing else. And so, first thing this morning, I staggered into the bathroom and tested. And to my complete and utter disbelief, I saw TWO LINES!!!!! I was so bleary eyed I had to wander around the bedroom looking at it in different lights to make sure I wasn't just seeing things! I then shook DH awake and showed it to him to make sure he could see it ;-)

I'm so excited, but very nervous too. My mother miscarried her first child, and I don't think I'll rest easy until I see/hear the heartbeat in a few weeks. DH is being wonderful. He's excited, but it being incredibly calming right now, which is exactly what I need at this point. We're down here with my mother-in-law and my whole family, and will be visiting friends and grandparents later this week. I am telling NO ONE, however, until I see the heartbeat.  At that point, immediate family can know ;-)  In the meantime, I'll be taking the rest of the tests the next two mornings to see if the line gets any darker. If it does, I'll consider it a good sign!!!

One of the craziest things that happened though -- and this is one will make the most sense to the yogis out there, perhaps ;-) -- is that I had a dream dream about chakras last night. I saw this. . . energy (for lack of a better word) . . .  spiraling around my pelvic floor (somehow I could see my bone structure . . . yay for dream-reality!), making an infinity symbol; the color read dominated at this point.  The energy then gravitated from the root up to the sacral area, and the color changed to orange! The odd thing is that I haven't even started my meditation tapes yet. The only thing I know about chakras comes from the yoga retreat I went on this past March!  I WILL, however, be starting those meditations pronto ;-)

I will write again soon, but in the meantime, send me lots of good thoughts and prayers :-D I really, really hope that this little one stays put!!!

[Jaimee]

Yay!!  Congrats!!   

My advice to you based on my own experience is to tone your exercise down a bit more.  Since you saw such a calming/regulatory effect on your cycles when you toned down to just karate and yoga, I might play it safe for the first tri and calm things down even more to help maintain your progesterone levels.  But I also wanted to add that while your mom had a m/c and yes, early m/c is not uncommon, it doesn't mean that it will happen to you.

HH9 and !  

[Asling]

Hi Jaimee!

I completely agree with you -- I'll be taking it easy the next several weeks and will be very careful with my karate. Those kinds of workouts (while better on the body than competitive track & field) can still be intense! I'll essentially make sure I keep everything to about 60% of my usual, unless otherwise directed by the doc!

And many thanks for the reassurances about early m/c. It's good to hear!

Based on my calculations, I'm just starting into my 5th week. Hopefully I'll be able to see/hear a heartbeat next week!

[janellody]

Asling, what a great story!  I just read it all today but wanted to say CONGRATS!!!  It's so great to hear that after all that worry, you still came out of it with a BFP!!  HH9 to you and your baby :)

[WantBabyDust]

Congratulations!!!!!!! Asling, I am very very happy and excited for you!!!  Yeah, keep your meditation thing going and keep yourself relaxed. Wishing you loads and loads of good luck!

[Asling]

Just a quick note with some very sad news. I started bleeding yesterday and have lost it. Had to go to the ER yesterday because we're out of town, and the bloodwork showed and HCG level of only 14, and that was before I started bleeding heavily. I am so sad and miserable. I'll be meeting with my OB on Tuesday to see where to go from here, and will writing again then.

[janellody]

So sorry Asling :(  (((HUGS)))

[Jaimee]

I'm so sorry for your loss!    Be gentle with yourself and post in the Pregnancy Loss forum for additional support if you feel up to it.  Early m/c's are usually complete and usually do not require any medical intervention.  Your doctor may monitor your hCG levels, but now that they are below 25 you will know if you are pregnant again if you test positive in the future.  This may or may not be helpful to hear right now, but many women find they are more fertile the cycle after an early m/c because their hormones remain slightly elevated.  Your doctor may warn of waiting a cycle before trying again, but really the reasons are not typically medical, but rather to make sure that you are emotionally ready (with you may or may not be) and to properly date the pregnancy with an established LMP.  But if you're charting and/or choose to get an early u/s the latter is not important.  The emotional component is really the main thing to consider.  I found after my second early loss that I was sad/depressed for a few weeks, but as soon as my body geared up to O, my emotions lifted and I felt ready again.

Sending you peaceful and healing thoughts!

[WantBabyDust]

Asling, I am so so sorry to hear that.  Here's a tight hug for you. I know words can't comfort enough, but I was reading a post in another forum where a lady was trying to see the positive side of m/c. She was saying that now she knows that she is Oing, her tubes are clear, and her LP is long enough. Sending you lots of warm and good vibes!

[WantBabyDust]

Asling, I read another post just now...apparently that lady's gyn said that it is a bit easier to conceive after m/c (she had one) as the hormones are higher. Just wanted to share it...but it all depends on how you feel...don't push anything.

[morganxobrooks]

I just wanted to express how sorry I am for your loss.

I had a miscarriage at the begginning of this year, and I'm still grieving from time to time.

Hubby & I are trying, and we're putting our brave faces on, because we want a baby.

If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know. I'm so sorry, and I'll be praying for you.

[Asling]

Thank you so much, Ladies. You support and kind words and thoughts mean so much to me. Keep saying prayers and sending good energy if you can -- I'm still too angry to talk to the Big Guy right now . . .