Need help with anger / depression during pregnancy

[studentdad]

Hi.  I'm very new at this so I must apologize in advance because I do not know what the abbreviations everyone is using (DP, etc...) nor how to use them.  I get the feeling we are not to use terms like wife, husband, and the like, so if someone could please fill me in on that point I would be grateful.  What I am really concerned about, though, is the way my relationship with my wife is suffering these days.   She is pregnant, in her third trimester, and we are constantly fighting. Today she said we need a break from one another.  I am concerned that constant fighting will harm the baby and I know my wife is too.  It has not become physical, nor do I believe it will. We already tend to bicker a lot, but right now it's getting out of hand.  She is working full time while I am staying home for the summer doing renovations in our daughter's room (nearly complete after three weeks) and converting the office to a nursery for the child we are expecting in October.  I will be back in university then and we have agreed that these things need to be done before I start back in September.  My progress on the renovations has been steady and successful.  However, every day when she gets home from work she scrutinizes what I have done and accuses me of wasting time and not really wanting to work.  Now, I am doing this work in the house while also maintaining it generally, including making lunches for my wife to take with her to work, getting up and making breakfast and coffee for her daily and taking care of our daughter who is home with me.  It seems as though if I have not thought of everything that she has thought of she accuses me of helping her grudgingly.  When I defend myself against these kinds of accusations things just escalate into arguments which eventually stop making sense.  I know she is very unhappy right now.  I don't know what to do to get through this.  If I walk away I worry that she thinks I'm giving up.  She seems to want me to stay and continue arguing with her to work through our problems, but there don't seem to be any solutions.  I hope that what I have written here will give someone a sense of what is at work and will have some insight into how best to manage in this very sensitive time in our relationship.

[Snugglebugmom]

To me it sounds like your wife is suffering from a combination of pregnancy hormones and utter exhaustion. I don't know what kind of work she does, but being in your third trimester and working full time is really hard! In our DDC (due date club, the ladies that are due in October) there is a thread about having a short fuse. A lot of us are having a hard time right now not snapping at our significant others, and not losing our patience with our other kids or our pets. Honestly, it sounds to me like your wife is just your typical overly tired, hormonal pregnant lady, and the main thing she needs from you is a whole lot of slack. Try not to take it personally, try not to retort to every snippy remark, think to yourself:"The woman I love is being held hostage by hostile hormones, and will be released in October." and slog through. It might make a huge difference if you do something as simple as run a bath for her around the time you expect her home from work, if she enjoys baths. Or buy her a bunch of her favorite magazines so she can veg out on the couch on a Saturday afternoon. Little things that show her that you love her even though she is absolutely impossible to live with at the moment. (Because believe me, if she is anything like the rest of us, she knows that all too well, but is powerless to change it right now!) 

Good luck, and kudos to you for coming on here and trying to get some insight! 

[Alenushka]

I was depressed during my first pregnancy and it was hard on my DH.

Therapy really helped me and my husband. I went to therapy . I got great advice and support. We made it.

I think it is important to make room for feeling. Not everyone is  a happy goddess worshiper during pregnancy. Some mothers are sad, depressed and anxious. Its OK.

My shrink told me that women whoa re depressed during pregnancy have much lower rater of post partum depression.

I became insanily happy the moment I gave birth. (-:

If your wife refuses to go to therapy you should insist on marital counseling.  Often , upon seeing what the other partner does, the counselor will recommend  individual therapy and for some reaons, when someone to whom  you are paying $$$, giver that advice instead of the partner, the person will go.

Your wife and you and the children deserve to be happy. Go get help together.

[birdhappy85]

Hopefully I can shed some more light on the situation and offer some hope?

I have had the most intense mood swings while pregnant. I am very sensitive to hormone fluctuations. They strongly affect my mental state at any given moment, even when not pregnant. I can see a lot of similarities to myself when I read about your wife's behavior. Like others have mentioned, she could be overly stressed and exhausted to the point she's unable to cope, or maybe she has some underlying mood disorder that pregnancy has created. I have anxiety and depression myself. In my normal everyday non-pregnant life I have been able to deal with a million stressors and find a way to cope so as to not let it affect my relationship with my husband. But during pregnancy, it's like a switch has gone off in my brain and I literally do not have the coping mechanism to rationally approach any situation that irritates me or is stressful. I go from 0 to 100 almost instantly. My "stress bucket" is overflowing within seconds and it feels horrible! There were times earlier in the pregnancy when my anxiety was so bad that I could notice every single thing my husband was or wasn't doing around the house and also when it came to nurturing our relationship. I scrutinized it all. I felt alone, neglected, like he wasn't meeting my needs, wasn't understanding what I needed, etc. We got into so many fights and I nearly walked out several times myself. It was not normal behavior for us to fight that bad. When I look back, I can't even believe how bad things got because nothing we fought about was actually legitimate! I was in a completely dark, confused, overwhelmed place where I thought I was grounded in truth but in reality was not. It was the quintessential feeling of being "out of control." I feel so horrible for how I treated him and for not knowing what was going on with me at the time. It's hard to separate yourself from the situation when you're in it. I am just so thankful he was able to not take things personally and still loved me through all of the hell I put us through emotionally!

It sounds to me like your wife's reactions are coming from a place where she isn't able to cope either. I feel for her, and I really feel for you because I can only imagine from a husband's perspective how difficult this is to deal with. Have you two ever been to couple's therapy? It really can help in a situation like this. I get the impression your wife is unaware of how far things have gone emotionally or is just lashing out because all she knows is she feels upset in the moment. She could probably benefit from having clarity brought to the situation. Having an outside perspective from a therapist can really help her! If I hadn't learned how to respond to my husband better when I'm really upset and started stepping outside of myself to consider his needs as well, I can only imagine how horrible our relationship might be today. Also, a therapist can help you understand what your wife is going through and give you the skills necessary to cope too. My husband has felt so much better and relaxed since we have used these tools to work together and not against each other. And having a therapist validate BOTH of you in the same room at the same time is priceless!

I wouldn't worry too much that your constant fighting has harmed the baby. Sure, stress is not ideal for a fetus, but nobody really knows exactly how it can affect him/her. I was freaking out for a while worrying that I must be damaging my baby -- I mean, how could my chronic meltdowns NOT have an impact on her development?! But in reality, it's just not something worth worrying about at this point. As my therapist tells me, we have to remember that back in the super early days of civilization, women were under immense stress too, whether it was not knowing when their next meal might be caught or having husbands out to war, etc. Their babies were protected nicely in the womb just like ours are still today. Until someone can prove that prenatal stress for sure causes any sort of disorders, it's all still speculation. Studies are always "linking" this to that, but nothing is definitive proof.

My best advice would be to keep hanging in there... Please do so for your wife's sake, if this pregnancy time is really just the main instigator and your relationship was fine beforehand. This will pass. Deep down, she is probably scared to death that you might actually break up. She might be one of those people who lashes out one second but then when she's alone, she might cry to herself and wish she hadn't said any of it and feel horrible for how she treated you. Sometimes people do that and just don't show their partner the other side because they're so ashamed! If you show her you'll be there for her and not walk away, I promise she will appreciate it, even if she won't acknowledge it right now. You just need to find a better fighting style and a way to deal with both of your emotions.

I hope this helps!