New in this forum...Really need guidance...

[liya]

Ok so i must accept it already. I didnt want the world to know about this but i guess sometimes things are too hard to hide. I have been going through some very rough patches in my marriage. So much so that lately all we did was fight. Fight because of his irresposability towards his family and more. I am tiered. Tiered of lies and crap that i really dont deserve. Last thursday i told him to get out of my house.(it is my house i paid for it). I didnt want my son to grow up with the horrible example he was providing for him and i felt like we deserved his primary attention, that we should come first and foremost and that wasnt the case. We always came last everything esle came before us.

These past 2 days i have been feeling like crap. I hear my son cry everyday for his papa in the front door. He knocks and knocks and cries and cries until he hits his last breath and gives up running towards me and hugging me. Needless to say i feel like SH@@. I feel like i took something away from him, like im a faliure in my marriage as a mom etc. And i know i shouldnt. Because i understand a home where parents are screaming at each other every single waking hour is not a good home for a child. But his cries hurt so bad. I feel like i shouldve toughed it out and stuck with him instead of what i did. I think i have toughed it out enough so that i can be tiered of the on going crap already.

We are still not divorced but I feel it will get to it soon. He desnt change he doesnt want to change and i cant stay with him if he doesnt. I feel like i would be putting my son and myself in an emotional rollecoaster that we dont need. I am however worried about my inner strengh to be a single mom. I have recenty decided to go back to school. I already have a BBA but business is just not who i am. Im going to earn my credits to become a Nurse(BSN) and take the electives to fufill a DO or an MD..But things are still not sure study wise i may change my mind and just end up staying as a nurse...My question is how do you deal with being a single mom? How do you deal with the loneliness, the pain of seeing your child suffer(miss) the other parent? And how hard is it to do this on your own?..

I dont know what im getting myself into but i know i needed to do it or else i woudlve exposed my son to screams and constant fights ...Something i really dont think any child should face(coming from an abusive home i know how much it hurt and affected me)....


Thanks for listening. As i posted somewhere else i really need a HOW TO GUIDE to BEING A SINGLE MOM....

[mocha09]

I know there are some really good books out there about parenting through a divorce. You might want to check out your local bookstore or library and browse through what they've got.

It sounds from what you are descirbing that you are doig the best thing for the long haul.

Hopefully once your ds starts seeing his dad on a regular basis (?) his anxiety will lessen.

[fishy]

i felt like i couldnt do it for a long time. i didnt think i was strong enough or whatever, but in time, you will figure out what you need to do and you will work it out. youre right, an unhealthy marriage is a bad place to raise a child. transitions are hard for everyone. it is really hard on your son to not see his dad. make sure you acknowledge that to him. voice the words. "i know you miss your dad, im sorry its hard" but dont go back to a relationship that you know is toxic bc your baby misses his dad. the sooner you get on with this new life, the better. if he can see his dad for visits, that would be great. if he cant, well, he cant. you have to do what you know is right for your family. you cant let a child make those decisions for you.

a book that helped me was 'the courage to be a single mom'. it does take courage. it is hard. but it is so worth it. i am a different person than i was a year ago when i was making the decision to leave my husband. avery change in me is for the better. i am so proud of myself for doing the hard thing of doing the BEST thing for my family(my family being me and my son)

i hope that helps. hang in there.

[blisfulmama]

Hang in there! I know it's hard, think of the harmony you envision for your childs environment and think if your situation with your partner fits.

A friends' mother (who finally left her unavailable husband after 30 years of marriage!) told me this:

After 30 years the only change I made was: I got him to like green beans and broccoli!

Whatever you do will be the right thing for you in that moment!

peace & blessings,
Shawna

[Penticton mama]

I'm just starting my path to becoming a good single mom. I struggled for a while and still find myself laying in bed at night thinking about the days I could just curl up with somone and go to sleep. I take each day as it comes and have found some wonderful hobbies and life styles to focus on. I also joined mom thinks like mother goose and mom and tot play time. I still get tears in my eyes when Hannah askes for her daddy or when she sees a plane overhead and says "daddy, that's my daddy! I miss you daddy" We talk about him lots and we look at pictures. Just because I don't love him anymore doesn't mean she can't.
I found getting my feelings out helps. even if it is on the internet.

I look back on everything and it keeps me moving forward. I don't want to be in the place again so I'm going to do something so I can be in the right place. After a little bit the pain begins to numb and you realize you can do this alone.

[SingleDad]

Liya, I'm a single dad and not Mom, but I have gone through the pain of hearing my children cry for both parents. My sons are adopted through the foster system, and it was very emotional and hurtful throughout the entire process. Their parents were completely unfit, into drugs, abusive both mentally and physically to each other as well as the boys, and yet they still cried for them, and still do sometimes. I have found the best way to deal with this is to be open and honest with them. One guideline that I gained from a therapist is that no matter how much disdain or hatred I felt toward their parents for what they'd done to them, don't ever put them down to the boys. So, instead I just explained to them that their mom and dad couldn't provide for them, and that it wasn't the right environment, even though they tried really hard to make it that way, they just couldn't get it to where it needed to be. I apologized that they were hurt by them and told them that it was okay to always love their mom and dad, no matter what. They felt like they were supposed to hate them, why I don't know, but they did. The whole point of my story is that you are doing what is right for your child. In my case, the state did that as well, but it's the same thing. You're taking your child out of a bad situation. I couldn't be more proud of you for taking a stand on this and I wish you the very best. There are so many single Mom's on here that can give you the support you need in any situation that comes up. I hope you find the guidance and support as valuable as I have. Most importantly, you're not alone. We're all here for you anytime you need us.

[aka_angelz]

ive only been a single mom for 4 months,it was hard to make the decision to leave and not take bs frm my x,but its the best thing i couldve done for me n my duaghters.and the best thing that u couldve done also,your son would have been put through an emotional rollercoaster,how old is he?sumtimes i feel like im depriving my kids to of having a father but really why do u want an a$$hole around your kids in the first place?my daughter has already forgotten how things were,shes 18 months now,but before she would cry when we would fight and she would always be scared of everything even when someone raised their hand or raised their voice,its a good thing u told him to leave or else your child couldve been badly traumatized and affected by all the fighting.
im here if you ever need any support,feel free to im me or emai me at [e-mail] single mothers need to stick together!

[paloma]

I learned to say, "Daddy's okay, he can't be here right now."

No how to...we all find our own paths.

[Myethpio]

This was very difficult for me too...
My daughter was 3.5 back then and she would cry and ask for dad all the time. We left and moved in with my parents, and he wouldn't see the kids for about 2 weeks at a time. My daughetr had come to expect seeing him everyday. I had to watch her cry, play with her dolls and have a daddy doll who loved his kids, and watch her draw pictures of the 4 of us holding hands and "married." It was awful and heart breaking. But gradually he snapped out of avoiding the kids out of guilt, and now sees them 3x's a week. He is a better father now than he ever was, thankfully. And now, my daughter is almost 5 and she just assumes it's the way it is. I think she has just gotten used to the whole situation... dad lives in one place and comes by to take her out a few times a week, but she lives with mom and her grandparents...

the other one was 3 months when we left, and she is now 1.5 yrs old. She didn't even recognize him for a while and was terrified, but after many many vistitations, of which I allowed for him to come to our house and play with the little one... she now not only recognizes him but screeches with joy and loves to go out with them.

Children are incredible little things, and it is amazing what they can undersatand, what they can go through, and what they can overcome, in my opinion. I would have never thought my child would be so happy in our situation (I was looking for psychologists when we broke it off!) but apparently it is the best for all of us!

But this took months... and I think it depends on not only the situation, the parents, and the age of the kids. There is a lot of factors on the coping of such a hard situation. I had someone tell me to take care of myself, because my children's happiness was dependent on their mother's... in other words, if I was falling apart it would affect them. So I have gotten a lot of help and am a very different person to how I was, and am trying to help myself and do what I need to do to make me happy with myself, and be able to love myself, before anything else because I know it is not only what I need, but what my girls need as well...