Once again my mom has managed to give me the creeps

[waiting2bemommy]

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Edited by waiting2bemommy - 7/30/11 at 9:00pm

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

. But it creeps me out. I feel like I'll never just be safe and in peace, without having to look over my shoulder.

As awful as this sounds sometimes I wish she would just disappear so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. This new info leaves me feeling drained and uneasy. What if she finds out where I'm birthing my new baby and shows up or otherwise creates a circus at the delivery? She always has to be in the middle of everything, and she is so good at manipulating people that I don't stand a chance.

I drank two bloody marys last night, pregnant and all. It was that or spend the night throwing up from the stress. I hate that she still has power over me. 

I hope they were spaced a couple of hours apart and not super strong. Im not a stickler about alcohol consumption during pregnancy, but c'mon...hard liquor? Im sure you did it in a responsible way, so Im not going to pick at you, but be careful Dont let her drive you to make decisions you wouldnt normally make.


I am also terrified that my mother will find out when my baby is due and somehow find out when I go into labor and show up and put on "The Tammy Show", as I like to call it. My mother is very much the have-to-be-in-the-middle-of-everything type of person and she is scary.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this, especially pregnant. Did you move out to that guy's house who wanted you to take care of him or are you somewhere else?

[Mulvah]

Since you don't own a home, it's pretty easy to lay low.  To do so, you do have to make sacrifices, including changing your numbers, getting a P.O. box and using it for everything, making your phone numbers unpublished (if they are landlines), getting credit cards in a short/nick name, etc.  If you're sticking point is your phone number, get a Google Voice number (free) and tell your parents that your number has changed.  You can forward the Google Voice number to your cell (or home phone), but it gives them a separate number to call.  Do a Google search to see where your name and address appear.  If it shows up on sites similar to zabasearch, read and follow the rules for removal. 

Also, it may be wise to remove your personal photos and location from this site.  You post a lot of personal information and as someone trying to "hide", having your location and your image in your profile isn't really smart.  If your parents have any idea you're on this site (you clearly didn't think they had your address, so don't rule it out), I imagine they would call CPS based on your own statements of drinking two vodka cocktails whilst pregnant.  That is an example of why I believe you should remove your personal photos and location from this site.

You can't expect your mother (or father) to change, so if you're truly looking to change the situation, you need to make some changes.

[IwannaBanRN]

Couldn't you just file a restraining order on her if you seriously WANT her to "disappear"? If you see her or get a call from a number of hers all it would take is a phone call and she'd get locked up. Now, I'm going to assume that she really isn't mentally well or that she must have done something very bad for you to not want anything to do with her, besides the CPS call, and I hope that you can get this resolved, but I honestly think that a restraining order should be in place if you feel uneasy enough to drink (I'm not completely against it either, just saying) while pregnant. Good luck!

[waiting2bemommy]

They weren't strong drinks...it was all I had in the house vs the wine that I normally limit myself to while pregnant or nursing a small baby. But I still am feeling guilty (with good reason) and SO's disapproval felt awful as well. I haven't taken my medicine in almost a week so that is part of it too.....I *have* to take care of my mental health and I had a bad week this week, including a preterm labor scare, and let everything go. My insurance is giving me problems so now I'm running out of medication and I can't find anyone to see me here, and my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.

As far as the restraining order, I have thought about doing that many times but it still feels like my life is too tangled up in hers...for example I used their address several times (for communication with my ex, for one thing, he is also a direct threat to my ds) and so occasionally a piece of mail that I actually need will randomly arrive in her mailbox. Also my SO has had some legal issues that aren't completely resolved yet and she uses that, as well as  my fear of my ex finding out where we are, to blackmail us. She says almost every conversation, "if I wanted to hurt E (my SO) I could easily ruin his life but I don't." I'm not saying it's impossible, but it would take some incredible ingenuity to outwit my mom. A simple piece of paper would just make her mad, fight me in court, sue for grandparent rights, start tracking my every move and find more subtle ways to be n my life (for example a friend of ours called to let SO know that my mother cornered him at a religious event and started barrraging him questions about us, and apparenty she did this with several people at this same event.) She tracked me down once in the Dominican Republic and I didn't even have a phone and was living in a very poor neighborhood with one communal address. I hear through friends of acquaintances that she tells people I've disappeared and she doesn't know if I'm OK so if they find anything out to please tell her because she is "worried sick." I just hate this whole mess....it's why I cut them off in the first place, and I worked hard intherapy and was doing so much better setting boundaries and I don't want to be an overzealous hardass, but I don't want to backslide either.

[babygirlie]

plus side is she doesn't know wher eyou live so let her think she got ya.. tell her you still can't have mail sent to the addy.. say well regardless i can't trust my mail will get here so send it to...

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Mulvah 

Also, it may be wise to remove your personal photos and location from this site.  You post a lot of personal information and as someone trying to "hide", having your location and your image in your profile isn't really smart.  If your parents have any idea you're on this site (you clearly didn't think they had your address, so don't rule it out), I imagine they would call CPS based on your own statements of drinking two vodka cocktails whilst pregnant.  That is an example of why I believe you should remove your personal photos and location from this site.

You can't expect your mother (or father) to change, so if you're truly looking to change the situation, you need to make some changes.

This.   You want to be incognito, but pics of you AND your kids are STILL in your profile. AND your location is still up.  Even if you stayed where you left for a month ago, its called breadcrumbs.  I dont care how un savvy your mom is with a computer.  If shes as crazy cakes as you say she is, she can HIRE SOMEONE TO FIND YOU!!  Using what little info youve given her, it wouldnt take much for a PI to find you. 

GET OFF THE INTERNET.  Charge your phones numbers.  ORRRRR put up with it because its just gonna keep happening. 

If this was just a vent, please disreguard.
 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

They weren't strong drinks...it was all I had in the house vs the wine that I normally limit myself to while pregnant or nursing a small baby. But I still am feeling guilty (with good reason) and SO's disapproval felt awful as well. I haven't taken my medicine in almost a week so that is part of it too.....I *have* to take care of my mental health and I had a bad week this week, including a preterm labor scare, and let everything go. My insurance is giving me problems so now I'm running out of medication and I can't find anyone to see me here, and my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.

As far as the restraining order, I have thought about doing that many times but it still feels like my life is too tangled up in hers...for example I used their address several times (for communication with my ex, for one thing, he is also a direct threat to my ds) and so occasionally a piece of mail that I actually need will randomly arrive in her mailbox. Also my SO has had some legal issues that aren't completely resolved yet and she uses that, as well as  my fear of my ex finding out where we are, to blackmail us. She says almost every conversation, "if I wanted to hurt E (my SO) I could easily ruin his life but I don't." I'm not saying it's impossible, but it would take some incredible ingenuity to outwit my mom. A simple piece of paper would just make her mad, fight me in court, sue for grandparent rights, start tracking my every move and find more subtle ways to be n my life (for example a friend of ours called to let SO know that my mother cornered him at a religious event and started barrraging him questions about us, and apparenty she did this with several people at this same event.) She tracked me down once in the Dominican Republic and I didn't even have a phone and was living in a very poor neighborhood with one communal address. I hear through friends of acquaintances that she tells people I've disappeared and she doesn't know if I'm OK so if they find anything out to please tell her because she is "worried sick." I just hate this whole mess....it's why I cut them off in the first place, and I worked hard intherapy and was doing so much better setting boundaries and I don't want to be an overzealous hardass, but I don't want to backslide either.

Okay, soooo.... first I have to say that the frickin system SUCKS! I know how hard it is to get medication when you have insurance or a mental health agency is supposed to help for coverage. I actually got screwed over two days ago and missed two days of medication. So, I'm sorry about that. Second, your SO's record should have nothing to do with you getting a restraining order. WHEN you get one, you mention that mail randomly goes to your mother's address and that you need it to stop so you can completely cease contact. The scare tactics are just that. Scare tactics to keep you in her life in some demented, twisted way. You in no way have obligation to let her see your kids, especially if she is not mentally well. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Anything that seems "off" about her, write it down, date it from when it happened, and present it when you go to get your restraining order. It will prove not only that she is unfit to see your kids, but that the restraining order is needed. And a restraining order even means that NOBODY can give you a message FROM her to tell you anything. That's called a third-party contact, which is just as bad and will land her in jail. I don't know what else to tell you about this, except that it looks like her trying to contact you only stresses you out and something legal needs to happen. It seems like it would be hard just because she is your mom, but I don't think you would be this stressed about it if there wasn't a good reason, and a good enough reason to you should be enough to concern the authorities. They do not take the welfare of a child lightly, and especially the welfare of an expectant mother.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ 

This.   You want to be incognito, but pics of you AND your kids are STILL in your profile. AND your location is still up.  Even if you stayed where you left for a month ago, its called breadcrumbs.  I dont care how un savvy your mom is with a computer.  If shes as crazy cakes as you say she is, she can HIRE SOMEONE TO FIND YOU!!  Using what little info youve given her, it wouldnt take much for a PI to find you. 

GET OFF THE INTERNET.  Charge your phones numbers.  ORRRRR put up with it because its just gonna keep happening. 

If this was just a vent, please disreguard.
 

I have had to hide from people and the way you're doing it is not a very effective way... actually I would say it's not even a tiny bit effective.

For me, I needed to change my name & phone, move, and keep myself anonymous online -- no using real names, exact locations, too much detail, etc. Even now, years later, I minimize the information I make available and who I make it available to.

You are very easily traceable online, plus you are maintaining phone contact. And a PO box would still provide them with your general location. Maybe those are all risks you are willing to take, only you know how much danger these people truly pose, but just do so knowing that you are making it easy for anyone to find you. There are ways to keep yourself & your family safer, but it takes a lot of sacrifice, and you need to decide if the sacrifices outweigh the danger you feel you are in.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

 OMG!!!  It just took me two seconds to figure out not only what STATE your in, but what city, AND who you are living with? 

Really?  And you can't figure out how your mom found your other address? 

[Hey Mama!]

OP you don't think your mom is smart enough to find you here?  You better hope not because it doesn't take much to find out where you live and who you live with. If you want to hide from her than you need to quit sharing every single detail of your life on a public forum!!!  Plus, admitting that you can get your "medication" from a not-so-legal source?  That's really freaking stupid.  Especially when CPS has investigated you before.  You have drug addict/running from the law written all over your posts. 

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

They weren't strong drinks...it was all I had in the house vs the wine that I normally limit myself to while pregnant or nursing a small baby. But I still am feeling guilty (with good reason) and SO's disapproval felt awful as well. I haven't taken my medicine in almost a week so that is part of it too.....I *have* to take care of my mental health and I had a bad week this week, including a preterm labor scare, and let everything go. My insurance is giving me problems so now I'm running out of medication and I can't find anyone to see me here, and my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.

You are pregnant.  Drinking vodka and getting street drugs is not the way to deal with stress unless you want to add more stress from a baby with issues.  Do yoga, meditate, hit a car with a baseball bat, whatever.  But for the sake of your unborn child please please find a new coping mechanism.

And as for your mom finding you cut off all contact and get a restraining order.  That will be much more effective than what you're doing now.  Several posters have said they found a ton of personal information about  you fairly easily.

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 



I have had to hide from people and the way you're doing it is not a very effective way... actually I would say it's not even a tiny bit effective.

For me, I needed to change my name & phone, move, and keep myself anonymous online -- no using real names, exact locations, too much detail, etc. Even now, years later, I minimize the information I make available and who I make it available to.

You are very easily traceable online, plus you are maintaining phone contact. And a PO box would still provide them with your general location. Maybe those are all risks you are willing to take, only you know how much danger these people truly pose, but just do so knowing that you are making it easy for anyone to find you. There are ways to keep yourself & your family safer, but it takes a lot of sacrifice, and you need to decide if the sacrifices outweigh the danger you feel you are in.

As for the bolded statement, CM is correct, though there are ways around this if one was truly interested in hiding. 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Hey Mama! 

OP you don't think your mom is smart enough to find you here?  You better hope not because it doesn't take much to find out where you live and who you live with. If you want to hide from her than you need to quit sharing every single detail of your life on a public forum!!!  Plus, admitting that you can get your "medication" from a not-so-legal source?  That's really freaking stupid.  Especially when CPS has investigated you before.  You have drug addict/running from the law written all over your posts. 

Although I am all about trying to support, I do kind of agree with the last sentence in this post..... If I were in the situation the OP was in, the ONLY way I would not be getting a restraining order is if I were running from the law myself. Maybe not drug addict, but "running from the law".
 

[Hey Mama!]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

Although I am all about trying to support, I do kind of agree with the last sentence in this post..... If I were in the situation the OP was in, the ONLY way I would not be getting a restraining order is if I were running from the law myself. Maybe not drug addict, but "running from the law".
 

This is the latest in a long series of drama filled posts from this person.  She keeps making bad choices for herself and her children.  That is why the tone of my post is not supportive.  It's ssdd.

 

[waiting2bemommy]

I don't know where you guys got street drugs and running from the law. I have prescribed medications, that when I run out I know other people who have been prescribed the same medications and didn't finish the bottle, or whatever. I take Prozac and adderall....those are not street drugs. I suppose adderall could be, used irresponsibly, but it was prescribed to me, so....

At least in that regard I know my mom hasn't got a leg to stand on, when it comes to pills and medications. She wouldn't dare accuse ME of using drugs of any kind inappropriately, because it would bite her back five times over, easily. I'll just leave it at that.

The location in my profile is not accurate, btw. It freaking sucks because I have no real life social life, so if I can't even post about my life on MDC, I'm pretty much totally isolated. My il's are good people, but they parent totally different and I really can't relate to them on much. I will take the picture down now though.

I have to say, though, it feels a little bit like no matter what I do short of changing my and my kids' names and SSN, she can always track me down. It

s not so much that I'm afraid she'll show up and murder my family or something, but that I'll never know that I'm truly free of her. It's a mental thing.

[crunchy_mommy]

I think a lot of us know where you are now because of info you've posted in other posts, not because of the (wrong) location in your profile.

You CAN vent online and socialize online without disclosing so many details. I know how it feels to use MDC as a social outlet but if you are truly afraid of them you need to limit what you post. You can talk (write) about things without getting into such detail -- names, dates, places, etc. -- though it does take a lot of practice and yes, there will be times that you just can't post about things at all without revealing info that needs to be kept private.

Also, if you keep the same phone numbers, I'm not really sure how you expect them not to be able to contact you and track you down??

She is your mom, so it will be hard to ever feel fully 'free' of her. But if you feel you need to cut off all contact (or just want to do so, for whatever reason), you have to be willing to make some changes & sacrifices to make that happen. No, you don't necessarily need to change all your names & SS#'s, and unless you feel she's a physical threat to you (violence etc.) then it would probably be overkill to do so. But I will say it again, the things you are doing are NOT going to prevent her from finding you. There ARE things you can do that would prevent it, maybe not 100% fool-proof but would be really hard for her to track you down without a ton of effort and financial resources -- so maybe 95%. Where you are right now is at about 0%. I'm not sure why you think she can't track you when you have so much personal info readily available to her & the entire internet and all your friends/acquaintances. You are making it TOO EASY.

It sounds like you want or feel you need to maintain some contact with them. You can't have it both ways. You need to decide what is best for you & your family and go all out to do it.

[waiting2bemommy]

It sounds like you want or feel you need to maintain some contact with them. You can't have it both ways. You need to decide what is best for you & your family and go all out to do it.

I think you summed it up right there. I'm still conflicted inside and so I'm kind of half a$$ing it in terms of cutting them off. It's still lightyears better than it was, but yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head.

This gives me a lot to think about, about what is truly the right thing to do, how far I'm willing to go to do it, and also driving home for me again the fact  that I really, really,, *really* need to get off the internet and put forth the effort to meet real life people and build a real life support system. That is very scary for me, and no matter how much grief I have gotten off MDC from certain people (interspersed with lots and lots of amazing, wonderufl support) I keep coming back because it is safe a familiar. But I need to keep pushing myself beyond safe and familiar because, really, in the way that I use MDC, it's not so safe.

Anyway, point taken (yours and everyone else's). You guys are right on, as usual!!!

[insidevoice]

Unless you feel she is a real and physical threat to you, there's no need to be so upset about her knowing where she is.  I get the history with CPS etc, but if they have already established that she is not a credible person, you don't have anything to fear there. 

You need to stop using her address etc for anything for yourself or your partner- make sure that everyone knows how to reach you directly or safely (with a child, there are ways to set up a blind address through the state to shield your location from a perpetrator if you can prove that you have custody and they are a threat.)  

It doesn't matter whether or not the drugs have been prescribed to you- if you take someone else's- even if it is the same dose and medication- you are putting yourself at risk of criminal charges.  Don't do it, it's just not a good idea in any situation.  If you need to, you go into an ER and explain that you have not been able to access your medications for reason xyz. Also, while I am not anti-alcohol ALL THE TIME during pregnancy, if you are using it to feel better, it's a bad judgment call.  If you want a half a beer or something like that once in a blue moon- fine, but if you are using it as a method of self medicating when you are upset- you have to- by definition- have enough to be mood altering which is really too much to have while pregnant. A bigger issue here is that while you are on the medications you are on,  you really shouldn't be having any alcohol.  Next time, make yourself a nice cup of tea and have a cookie. :)

Btw, have you moved again?  It seems like your family is in constant relocation/turmoil.  I can understand- to some extent- that such a pattern would concern any grandparent- crazy and manipulative or not.  Sounds like maybe it's time to stop running and set down some roots. If Mom shows up on your doorstep, you can simply ask her to leave. She only has the power over you if you choose to give it to her. 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

  Next time, make yourself a nice cup of tea and have a cookie. :)

Dark chocolate......better than just a cookie. It helps with mood stabilization. :)