Once again my mom has managed to give me the creeps - Page 2

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Hey Mama! 

This is the latest in a long series of drama filled posts from this person.  She keeps making bad choices for herself and her children.  That is why the tone of my post is not supportive.  It's ssdd.

 

Well, don't ya think that despite "drama filled posts" she might just need more support instead of negative feedback? I find that drowning out a person that is desperate to be heard is only discouraged in life itself because they feel they can't get support anywhere else and feel they need approval of their character or identity to come from somewhere, since they might not be getting it in real life. And honestly, if there is no contact with her family, there wouldn't be many more people that could give that support.

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

Well, don't ya think that despite "drama filled posts" she might just need more support instead of negative feedback? I find that drowning out a person that is desperate to be heard is only discouraged in life itself because they feel they can't get support anywhere else and feel they need approval of their character or identity to come from somewhere, since they might not be getting it in real life. And honestly, if there is no contact with her family, there wouldn't be many more people that could give that support.

I think, in this situation, the poster knows things are wonky in her life, but she's not at a point where she is able to see that she and her kids DO deserve stability and a life pretty free of drama.  I struggled with this at a similar age, and came from a much more healthy background.  I still didn't know that *I* deserved 'normalcy'  and I certainly didn't know how to begin to create that for my family. 

I really appreciate that she's trying to do some work to get through things, but I suspect she'll have an 'ah-ha moment' in a few years. Until she believes something different is possible, nothing is going to help. 

I do wish nothing but happiness and stability for for the OP and her family.  I long to see the day she decides she's done with the chaos and it is time to put healthy changes into effect. 

[Drummer's Wife]

Since you don't seem to want to completely cut-off contact (by calling your mom back, talking to your dad frequently, not getting a restraining order or even changing your phone number), I would just figure out why exactly she is creeping you out and what your real fears are?  I mean, considering you guys live states away now, it's not likely she is going to drive or fly out and try to find you, is it? Or if she did, what would be the worst that could happen - since you say she's not going to physically harm you guys? 

Don't call her back, don't answer your phone unless it's a number you know.  If she wants to leave messages or even write you guys letter or send gifts (the PO box is a great idea - but if she did figure out your address, what's the harm if she sends things there?).  You don't have to open them or engage with her if you don't want to.  Are you afraid she will call the cops or CPS again if she knows your location?  That, I could see worrying about as a real threat, but in that case, you really should cut off all ties, which would unfortunately probably mean your dad included - at least for a while.  At the same time, if you have nothing to hide or a reason that the cops or child protection could charge you with anything, then just let it all roll off your back and live your life. 

I admit to being curious about why you guys up and moved, though, considering you said it was just a quick trip out of state and you were thinking about the caregiver house situation.  For sure you guys need some stability for those kids asap -- it really impacts them worse the older they get. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

They weren't strong drinks...it was all I had in the house vs the wine that I normally limit myself to while pregnant or nursing a small baby. But I still am feeling guilty (with good reason) and SO's disapproval felt awful as well. I haven't taken my medicine in almost a week so that is part of it too.....I *have* to take care of my mental health and I had a bad week this week, including a preterm labor scare, and let everything go. My insurance is giving me problems so now I'm running out of medication and I can't find anyone to see me here, and my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.

.

So let me get this straight? You just had a preterm labor scare and you are drinking alcohol? Do you know that alcohol has been linked to preterm labor? AND you have been drinking wine and taking head pills? While pregnant?
The occasional glass (you know, 1-2 a week) is fine but it sounds to me like you are drinking more than that.


Its really stupid to publicly say that you are buying pills off the street. Especially with a previous CPS case. Please edit your post to remove that before someone calls CPS on you again (not that I can say it wouldnt be unwarranted).


I know you are going through a lot, and i know you have some major sh*t in your life, but if you are having to "take care of your mental health" with alcohol and pills, I think you need to make some steps towards seeing someone, changing your life, or having a support line to call into or something. Baby is # 1 priority, even over your mental health. If things are stressing you out that bad you need to cut off all contact with your parents. You need help. Not everything is your fault, but you cant continue to let this issue make you make bad decisions. I hope someone else can be more supportive than me.



ETA: Prozac and Adderral are both class C drugs, and have been linked to poor fetal development, preterm birth, and lung problems. I understand that you need the Prozac for an anti depressant, but what is the purpose of taking Adderral while pregnant. Is it really that necessary for you to be productive? Adderral is like speed and when mixed with even a glass or two of wine it's a great time, but not with a baby in your belly. Prescribed or not, you are smarter than that. What do you have to DO so badly that you need ADD medication for?
Edited by Adaline'sMama - 7/30/11 at 5:23pm

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

I think, in this situation, the poster knows things are wonky in her life, but she's not at a point where she is able to see that she and her kids DO deserve stability and a life pretty free of drama.  I struggled with this at a similar age, and came from a much more healthy background.  I still didn't know that *I* deserved 'normalcy'  and I certainly didn't know how to begin to create that for my family. 

I really appreciate that she's trying to do some work to get through things, but I suspect she'll have an 'ah-ha moment' in a few years. Until she believes something different is possible, nothing is going to help. 

I do wish nothing but happiness and stability for for the OP and her family.  I long to see the day she decides she's done with the chaos and it is time to put healthy changes into effect. 

Oh, I understand! I myself just got out of a very unhealthy situation and at first, did not think I deserved the normalcy, but I know my kids deserve it, because they don't need to be in an unhealthy environment. It takes each person different amounts of time to come to the point of needing a change. For me, I realized early (after just a few months) that things weren't right and they needed to change. I saw it in my 2 year old's behavior, and it tore me up.

OP, I hope you get things figured out to make things better for your family. Things don't always go as planned, and seem even worse when pregnant, because we feel even more vulnerable. Show everyone that you are strong and take care of you, and your precious young family will thank you for it.

[mommariffic]

I didn't have time to read the posts but PROZAC and ADDERALL are two of the worst things you can take while pregnant -- even taking something like Zoloft would be better on the baby than Prozac and I'm really surprised you've been kept on it -- and if you are pregnant your doctor for sure won't just give you a prescription on the phone because they would be monitoring it. And the drinking? I mean I've been pregnant and had "what the hell" moments but I would never just drink and...well this entire post made me sad for your kids a little. 

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

ETA: Prozac and Adderral are both class C drugs, and have been linked to poor fetal development, preterm birth, and lung problems. I understand that you need the Prozac for an anti depressant, but what is the purpose of taking Adderral while pregnant. Is it really that necessary for you to be productive? Adderral is like speed and when mixed with even a glass or two of wine it's a great time, but not with a baby in your belly. Prescribed or not, you are smarter than that. What do you have to DO so badly that you need ADD medication for?

Yep, this is the part that worries me most. Most moms would never take this stuff while pregnant and certainly not with alcohol. Please, OP... do better for your baby.

[waiting2bemommy]

I don't regularly drink while pregnant.....I thought I made that clear earlier. If I do drink (and that would be way more occasionally than every week) it has always until this point been wine. I'm not making an excuse for drinking the other night, because I know I took a risk and I feel very bad about it. But that is not something I do as a habit.

As far as the medication, no offense to the posters who are concerned, but I'm pretty sure the doctors in my life are more equippped to look at the whole situation and weigh the risks/benefits than anyone over an online forum. I turly can't function without the Prozac. I take such a small amount of Adderall, and only once a day instead of the twice that I *could* be taking it (iow, it was prescribed to take morning and noon, if I needed to, and I only take it once a day and get by with that.) Dr Hale has a clinic now that you can call adn they ask a variety of in depth screening questions to help determine which medications would pose the least risk while still maximizing the benefit, and that is how I was able to determine that Prozac was safer than Zoloft. They both worry me because Zoloft has been linked to heart defect in babies and so has Prozac. But I literally can't function without it.

As far as why we moved, it was supposed to be a vacation, which it sort of still is, just.....an extended one. We are going back eventually. But we don't want to be moving around when I'm late in pregnancy, and in the middle of the school year since ds wants to play soccer adn stuff. SO's mom is coming from overseas and he hasn't seen her in many years. But it is taking longer than she thought to get here. So we are waiting. In the meantime, wherever I am I have to order and structure or my depression gets worse. So that's why we found a bigger place here to share with my SIL, so that we can be comfortable and feel at home. I can't operate on "maybe next week." I grew up moving a ton. I'm at the point in life now where I'm burned out....tired of packing boxes, tired of setting things up, organizing, decorating, etc.

I don't know what my problem is, honestly. I was doing well until I had a bad day, skipped my medicine, then skipped it again the next day and then a third day. Part of me doesn't want to take it....I don't like medications...I hardly even take tylenol and stuff. Alcoholism runs in my family, as does substance abuse, and so far I've managed to avoid both, mainly because of my children and knowing they deserve a sane mother. But.....I have to have the prozac, at least, to function. I can't tell til i'm already on a downward spiral....it takes a few days to show. But SO says he can tell sooner when I don't take it. It becomes a struggle to take care of the kids, the house, I don't want to talk to anyone, and the whole time I feel so intensely guilty that all I can do is cry, which makes me look like an idiot, which makes me cry more....and...it's just a mess. My kids need me at my best.

So, sorry, yes, I need to take the medication. The guilt trip about the risks I'm taking.... I have struggled off and on with depression since I was 4 years old and it has played a major part in my life. If this is what it takes to help me make better decisions and be emotionally stable (and I can't be any other kind of stable without that) than I'm sorry but for me the benefits outweigh the risks. You probably *think* you don't know many mothers who would take it while pregnant, because they don't tell you, just like I don't advertise it IRL. You can see what happened when I got severely stressed out off the prozac. I find it much, much scarier to think that I drank whatever was in the house because I didn't want to have an anxiety attack, then to think that I'm taking a controlled prescribed substance monitored by a doctor.

And as usual, I came here for support and ended up defending myself. Why don't I ever learn....

[stik]

If you're staying in a place for the school year, I think you can safely say that you have moved. If that's what you want to do. You drove down there in a van, so it's not like you have a ton of stuff to pack if you would prefer not to have moved. You can choose here.

I think that's important to remember because you are in a place in your life where you have a lot of choices to make. All you need to do is make the choices that serve your goals. You can choose to cut contact with your mom, or you can leave your info out there and accept some level of contact. You can choose to get proper medical care for your ADD, depression and anxiety, or you can choose to wing it by self-medicating with alcohol and your friends' prescriptions. You can choose to see this interlude in a new state as an extended vacation and let all your routines for caring for yourself and your family lapse, or you can establish residency and get services for yourself and your children, since you're planning to be there a while and you don't like moving.

Often, when you post, you're unhappy with your life. What do you want your life to be like? Which of the things you are doing right now will help make your life that way? Do you want to live in this new place with your SIL? Can you get the landlord to fix the AC? Do you want to rely on your friends' unfinished prescriptions? How long do you think that will work? People don't get a ten day prescription of Prozac or adderall and then stop taking it on day five because their problems are all gone. What's your long term plan? Your son had therapy in your previous state. What were the goals of that therapy? How are you planning to help him with those goals in the new place? You said you were having preterm labor. What's your plan for treating that?

You can take control of this situation. You just need plans.

I also don't generally worry much about the risks of an occasional drink during pregnancy. I do worry about it in your case, though. Your liver is already taxed by the prozac and adderall. Also, while you deny drinking frequently, you also claim that you usually only drink wine during pregnancy, and you ran out of wine. I think you might be having some difficulties evaluating frequency wrt your drinking. Finally, you say you've had some preterm labor. Alcohol is going to make that worse.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

As far as why we moved, it was supposed to be a vacation, which it sort of still is, just.....an extended one. We are going back eventually. But we don't want to be moving around when I'm late in pregnancy, and in the middle of the school year since ds wants to play soccer adn stuff. SO's mom is coming from overseas and he hasn't seen her in many years. But it is taking longer than she thought to get here. So we are waiting. In the meantime, wherever I am I have to order and structure or my depression gets worse. So that's why we found a bigger place here to share with my SIL, so that we can be comfortable and feel at home. I can't operate on "maybe next week." I grew up moving a ton. I'm at the point in life now where I'm burned out....tired of packing boxes, tired of setting things up, organizing, decorating, etc.

you went on vacation with all your belongings?  (you mention being surrounded by boxes in a house with no AC).  

[IwannaBanRN]

Okay, so I HAVE to ask. How did this turn from a support board for Personal Growth into a PERSONAL ATTACK board? People, if you think this woman needs help with her life and how to sort things out in it, then tell her and move on. Quit trying to pick apart her posts!

And again, to the OP, take whatever medication you and your doctor feel is right for you. This is the only problem with putting your issues out into the open world. People think they "know" you because of what little part of yourself you put out there. I know, because I have experienced it myself. I also take a class C medication, but I take it because it works for me, and the effects on the fetus are controversial wether or not they hurt baby. So far, so good. Everything is developing fine.

[mommariffic]

It's not a personal attack, if you keep making bad decisions for your children than eventually sympathy is going to turn sour don't you think?

And I was showing concern because when I was taking Zoloft during a pregnant I went in weekly to monitor my very low dose --- so reading your quote "my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.." It's obvious (to me) that your doctor refuses to refill or do a phone script' because you're pregnant and these drugs are no joke.  Sorry if I think scoring some adderall from a friend is a little weird (and I took that too in high school, hated the way it made me feel, very jitty and no desire to eat..not good while expecting?) 

I don't want to be mean but please get some help. I actually *do* feel bad for your kids because taking them on some extended vacation *yet you packed all your stuff?* and than staying is just odd! And if I'm reading correctly isn't your son like 3? Don't they have soccer where you used to live? 

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

you went on vacation with all your belongings?  (you mention being surrounded by boxes in a house with no AC).  

uh....my SIL  and her two children's stuff. This is where I get aggravated....when people bring in stuff from other posts, in other threads, and then only bring in like half the facts.

[IwannaBanRN]

OR maybe, there's trouble with insurance (or some other sort of coverage or payment) and she can't afford an appointment to GET a refill! Ever think of that? Things get difficult when you need medication, panic to get it and adding pregnancy, a past of substance abuse(family, yourself, or otherwise), and a difficult family member on top of it with little support around you. It's hard to make those life changes when things seem to always be going wrong and THEN having people point out everywhere you go that "things don't look right with this" or "you need some help". Of COURSE she needs it, but she doesn't need to be told how to do things when she's struggling as it is. The problems she's having that she's TOLD us about are probably only surface problems. There's no need to hash out her whole life.(We've already seen what happens when she told us about PART of it) She was asking about how to cut her mom out so things didn't seem overwhelming. And now people are throwing her past and her struggles in her face? That is no support, as far as I'm concerned.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

 My insurance is giving me problems so now I'm running out of medication and I can't find anyone to see me here, and my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.

A lot of medications require you to be seen in person at least every few refills.   They're not going to keep cutting you scripts for psychoactive medications without seeing that you still exist and appear to be taking the medication yourself.  

Being hundreds of miles away from your primary providers and the places that take your insurance for months and months are going to be a problem, unless you can transfer your care to someone local.   But since you're not intending to make this a permanent move, I'd imagine there are residency requirements to get state assistance?    

on the other hand, if you're not intending to return to your old home city, using that state's medicaid long-distance to get drugs?  May be considered fraud if you get caught.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

It's not a personal attack, if you keep making bad decisions for your children than eventually sympathy is going to turn sour don't you think?

And I was showing concern because when I was taking Zoloft during a pregnant I went in weekly to monitor my very low dose --- so reading your quote "my regular doctor refuses to refill or have a phone appt (both of which have been done in the past.) If I run out I can get it in a less, uh, official way, until I can get a refill, but that quickly gets expensive.." It's obvious (to me) that your doctor refuses to refill or do a phone script' because you're pregnant and these drugs are no joke.  Sorry if I think scoring some adderall from a friend is a little weird (and I took that too in high school, hated the way it made me feel, very jitty and no desire to eat..not good while expecting?) 

I don't want to be mean but please get some help. I actually *do* feel bad for your kids because taking them on some extended vacation *yet you packed all your stuff?* and than staying is just odd! And if I'm reading correctly isn't your son like 3? Don't they have soccer where you used to live? 

Well, I have a midwife (had, I guess, I have to get a new one if we're staying here) and she knew the situation and didn't insist on weekly monitoring. She was actually the one who encouraged me to go back to the doctor and get whatever medications I needed to make life bearable. Secondly, this doctor has had a phone appt with me more than once, and the same questions being asked in the office can be asked over the phone. It's a psychiatrist, not an OB. She's not taking my blood pressure or *doing* anything, having an appt by phone is not difficult and certainly not unheard of.

And if you took adderall and it made you feel jittery, you probably don't have ADD or else you were taking a lot, the way people do to get high (not saying that was your intention) because it has an effect on me of organizing my thoughts and sort of lifting the fog of confusion in my brain. I don't know a better way of explaining it but believe me it's not a an energy pill. And I'm well aware that many, many people use it in the wrong way.

I guess I wish people could look at my post and be like, "oh, she went to the doctor and got medication, oh she's making efforts to help herself" instead of criticizing me because my medication ran out. As I have mentioned multiple times in this thread, we are waiting for family members to arrive from another country. Sometimes things happen at the last minute to delay that and it's not the family members' fault, and I'm sure she has lost money in the process of not being able to use her plane tickets. But now that we're here, we may as well stay until she gets here and gets settles. Otherwise we could very well end up with SO having to drive back down here at the same time I'm having the baby, to help/be with his mom, leaving me with three kids alone for weeks. That would suck worse.

And my kid is 3, yes, but he needs to be in his therapies and stuff again by September. He has Asperger's. I can't stay here til, say, mid October, then just up and decide to go back to VA, and expect them to have saved him a spot in these programs that are very hard to get into. So I went ahead and started the process of getting him in here. UNT is very far from us but they have excellent counseling services on a sliding scale and I really liked the peopl we saw there. I'm still waiting on medicaid (hence my medication problem) but as soon as it gets approved for TX then I can get him back into OT and the social skills stuff for September. All of this stuff was already on hold for the summer anyway....therapists on vacation, a lot of pthings are based around the school year, etc. Soccer was just as example of something I have to sign him up for at a certain time, and make a committment to one place or the other. I can't be jumping around during the school year with my kids in tow and expect it to go well.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by savithny 

A lot of medications require you to be seen in person at least every few refills.   They're not going to keep cutting you scripts for psychoactive medications without seeing that you still exist and appear to be taking the medication yourself.  

Being hundreds of miles away from your primary providers and the places that take your insurance for months and months are going to be a problem, unless you can transfer your care to someone local.   But since you're not intending to make this a permanent move, I'd imagine there are residency requirements to get state assistance?    

on the other hand, if you're not intending to return to your old home city, using that state's medicaid long-distance to get drugs?  May be considered fraud if you get caught.

I just saw her in person in june, like 3 days before we went out of town. I TOLD her I was going out of town and didn't know for how long. I don't know why she is giving me a hard time when she just saw me and my whole family at the last appt. (I bring SO often because he is the one better able to bjectively judge how the meds are working, or he will notice side effects, or whatever) Honestly, if she doesn't want to give me adderall, I can still be ok with just the prozac. But I need the prozac. I really, really do.

Using one state's medicaid in another state is not even possible. It can't be done. The system simply won't register it. The only exception would be an emergency room visit, which can *sometimes* be billed to another state's medicaid. If it was that simple I would have already had an appt with a psych, *before* running out, to prevent a lapse. Of course I always post when I'm in a bad frame of mind mentally, but it doesnt mean I'm a complete idiot. I've already applied to switch to TX medicaid. There are not really any residency requirements...it's not like college financial aid. In many places for example you can walk in to the office and get emergency food stamps that same day. It doesn't matter how long you've been there, just that you live there now.

it's not am impossible situation. It's just taking longer than I would like, and in the meantime I am sort of stuck, and I was hanging on by a thread, and then the phone call from my mom sort of put me over the edge. And I assure whoever emntioned alcohol consumption, I do NOT drink frequently. SO wouldn't even let me, he'd take the glass out of my hand. no doubt now someone will say he's controlling because of this.....

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

uh....my SIL  and her two children's stuff. This is where I get aggravated....when people bring in stuff from other posts, in other threads, and then only bring in like half the facts.

So YOU are unpacking your SIL's stuff?  OK.

and now you are renting where you are while all YOUR stuff is back in your old place?  You're paying rent in 2 states?  All your stuff, kids toys, baby stuff still in the other state because you figure you might as well just move while you're at it?

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

So YOU are unpacking your SIL's stuff?  OK.

and now you are renting where you are while all YOUR stuff is back in your old place?  You're paying rent in 2 states?  All your stuff, kids toys, baby stuff still in the other state because you figure you might as well just move while you're at it?

Do I need to post every single detail of my life? If I do, then I get accused of oversharing. If I don't what I *do* say gets picked apart to try and make me look either insanely irresponsible, or like a liar.

We have our stuff in storage. We are not paying rent on the other apartment. It's being rented to someone else.\  Whenever we go back then we will get our stuff out and start our lease back up (or not, and rent somewhere else). I don't have any baby stuff. This is MDC you're on. I buy clothes, cloth diapers and a carrier and that's about it. My kids brought their favorite toys with them and the rest will be there when we get back.

Any other questions?

[D_McG]

I'm just trying to make sense of it!  Who goes on vacation and puts their stuff in storage?!  Your post has red flags all over it and you know it.