I need some advice, I feel like the biggest piece of mom scum ever :*(

[atownspider]

These last few weeks have been a nightmare.  First my husband lost his job due to the fact that it was seasonal work.  He found a new job and started getting sick.  He has asthma so it is really scary, money has been so tight we have had to scrounge for change for diapers.  He ended up in the ER one night because he was in so much pain and could not breathe, they sent him home twice in this situation and it has had me freaked out and stressed out ever since it started.  I ended up taking on two jobs to try and make ends meet for our family, more stress on top of the existing stress.  Then our car craps out.  Not what I needed right now, not without any money to fix it.  Today he had to go to the hospital again, couldn't breathe.  I hate to admit this but I am a smoker, we only smoke outside of our home, never around the kids but yeah, there it is.  If freaking out trying to find someone to take him to the hospital wasn't enough, I ran out of cigarettes, had not a dime to my name, a broken down car, a fussy 1 year old, major cramps and then I had to call an ambulance.  My husband will now be going to the hospital in a freakin ambulance and I have no way of being with him, wonderful!  Normally I will give my daughter a snack and her favorite educational program for a few minutes and go outside to smoke a cigarette and destress, today that was not an option.  Well after waiting about 45 minutes, I called the hospital...rudest people ever!  As if that needed adding to the situation, well I lost it, big time.  I started YELLING at the top of my lungs at the people on the phone, trying desperately to mop my kitchen floor so my daughter can play on it at the same time, slipped, rebroke my foot and then the little bug runs out slipping and sliding, crashing into things.  I lost my damn mind I guess because I am usually the most laid back person with kids.  I flipped out, yelled at her, swore at her and in my attempt to pick her up and get her in the living room (which is about 2 feet away) I could only get my hands on her enough to toss her onto the couch.  I have no idea why my mind either processed the information wrong, or I was that damn angry but I let go of her not above the couch, but in the middle of the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She hit the floor kinda hard and was freaked out, but not injured.  Never EVER in my life has this ever happened and I just about died.  My tiny baby girl was just being a 1 year old, it is what they do and I snapped out on her.  She didn't do a damn thing to deserve it, but there I was yelling and swearing at her like a nutcase, she was crying and freaking out and to add to it, I tossed her into my living room and was in shock not knowing wtf I had just done, only knowing that I had intended to toss her on the couch.  I could have seriously hurt her!  I am having a hard time forgiving myself, and I think that is putting it mildly.  I have refused food all day, I told my husband as soon as he came home what I did and begged him to take her and not let me see her ever again, I won't even go and have the bones set in my foot, I somehow feel like I deserve to walk around on a broken foot in agony for what I have put this gorgeous child through today.  What the hell was I thinking?  What can I do to ensure that this doesn't happen again and how can I make it up to my daughter?  I am afraid she hates me now and will never trust me again which is what I deserve.  I don't even want to post this because I know what everyone will say already.  But yeah, anti-hate advice would be appreciated as I want to make this a better situation, not a worse one.

[Marissamom]

 it's okay, everything will be okay. it wasn't intentional, you didn't mean to hurt her. I've wigged out in less stressful situations when I hadn't just broken my foot. get your foot taken care of, your baby girl doesn't deserve to have you punishing yourself and in pain, it will mean you're off your game. 

[holothuroidea]

People who have anger issues struggle with things like that fairly often. If you are for the most part laid back, you might not have the same skills in place to deal with those very powerful emotions when they arise. I've always had a terrible temper (learned from my own mother), and let me tell you from experience, what your daughter needs right now is YOU. She needs you to apologize, to give her the biggest snuggle ever, and to try your very hardest to make tomorrow a better day.

It is clear that you were on the end of your rope and anyone who makes you feel like a horrible mother for this should not be a part of your life (including that voice inside your head).

I bet when your daughter is 30, you guys will have a laugh over this.

Also, EAT SOMETHING AND FIX YOUR FOOT, then ask everyone you know to come over and give you a hug. 

[Mizelenius]

You know what?  You didn't shake her.  Had you shaken her, this might have done serious, permanent damage . . .even fatal.  But that was never your intention.  You were never going to shake her. Falls do not cause shaken baby syndrome, so the worst she would have suffered was that-- from a fall.  In other words, you did not put her in real danger.

As the pp said, people /real anger problems do this again and again.  You do not. 

You have so much stress . . .I am so sorry.  It could be a trying period right now  . . .if it is, remind yourself that (in the moment) , that cleaning does not matter, nothing else matters except your DD.  I know this is hard!

Go get your foot fixed!   Being in pain will only make you more stressed!  You deserve better than that!

[Mizelenius]

Oops!  Wrong thread.