needs ears to listen and give advice

[Cananny]

As some of you know I am partnered with my DP and we started TTC 6 months ago... it has been an emotional journey for her . ( she in one to carry)

We took July off ( for some travel and R and R) and are supposed to be waiting for O right now

Back story... ( so sorry for jumping all over) .. I have severe PCOS and though I have tried.. ive never been able to ovulate) and DP knew when we got together I wanted kids.. so did she.. we both want a family..  DP never saw herself being pregnant.. but once we were together she said because she wanted a family with me.. she would TTC... she is the only one who can.. She never really wanted to birth a baby... I get that.. but because we both talked about it and discussed and so forth.. she decided to go ahead and try.....

fast forward 6 BFN and she is miserable.. she is moody, unhappy and just flat out said I do not want to be pregnant.. I want a child with you... but she said she is so unhappy and negative about carrying a child.. it has become a very ugly time with us...

she thinks we should adopt.. I really want us to try for at least a year.. One.. adoption is expensive and emotionally draining.. two.. I want to experience the birth of a child we created.. 

I am all for adoption.. I would adopt in a heart beat.. but again very costly and I really want an infant ... 

I am at a loss what to do.. I love my DP very much,, we have a great life together, we both want a baby so badly... but this is tearing us apart... 

Has anyone been in this situation or anything similar? I feel so alone here.. I would give anything to be able to have our child.. it hurts to know that I cant.. she can and yet she doesnt want to.. 

DP says she is doing it just for me.. I do not want that.. I want us to both want this... 

She is so negative and I feel that is hindering us getting pregnant...

She wants a baby.. she just is not happy about the process to have said baby.. 

sorry to vent.. sorry to just go on and on... 

:(

Cananny.. DP Kassandra 

[prettyisa]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I have no experience, but I am starting to look at the possibility that I won't be able to carry and will have to make my (willing, but not excited about it) DP be the pregnant one, so I get at least a tiny bit how you must feel. Two things came to my mind--the first is a compromise, where she'll try three more times (halfway between 'none' and 'six') and then you'll move to adoption. The second is more expensive, and possibly more emotionally draining. Could you be a candidate for IVF with your PCOS? I don't know enough about it to know if that's possible, but it sounds like it might be a good solution--you would be the one to carry and give birth to your child. It is expensive, though.

Either way, you'll end up with your children around you--just remember that this whole, sometimes miserable process is really a very short time in your lives. You won't feel this way forever.

[2ezforyou]

I can certainly understand your frustration. My partner and I were together almost 2 years when we began our journey of TTC. I too have PCOS, and it wasn't an easy journey. But, I am currently 22 wks pregnant and I can say that looking back it's definitely worth all the tears, heartache, and frustration.

When we became the TTC process, I had NO idea it would take 2 years to actually get pregnant. We started with temping at home and doing IUI's at home and with my doctor at the time. After 4 months of having no clue still what my temps meant, we switched doctors. Fast forward a year, another new doctor, 2 surgical procedures, and 2 different fertility drugs later, and we still weren't pregnant. (And who knows exactly how much $$$ we spent.) Finally, we ended up with a RE, 3 hours away. I am not sure of your medical or financial situation, but I would HIGHLY suggest seeing a RE. I became pregnant after only 4 months of seeing her. Granted, not everyone is as fortunate as we were in this situation. Still, it would have saved us a ton of heartache and money, had we gone directly to the RE in the first place. But, I also look at all the other times as trial/error.

My point is this, I can 100% sympathize with your situation. There were times where DP and I had screaming matches at one another because of my inability to become pregnant. (We have a DS who is adopted as well.) There were so many times I was the crabby one and thought of giving up. I totally felt like a failure to my DP, my DS, and myself. I hated my body and everything about the TTC process. Had it not been for the girls on this board supporting me, then I am not sure what I would have done at times. Each one of us on here truly understands the process we're going through. And I believe that at times, we understand each other better than our DP's.

Hang in there. It will happen for you or your DP! And believe me when I say it's truly an experience that will make the history of TTC a fond memory. PM me if you have any questions. It sounds like we have similar situations with PCOS and being anovulatory.

[kgulbransen]

Cananny: I know this is such a difficult time for you guys. I remember that for me personally, the sixth BFN was so, so hard. I don't know why that particular one, but it was. And there are many times in this process where I have really wanted to give up.

I have a couple of recommendations for you. First, I know it can be hard and expensive (but there are alternatives out there), I really think you guys should see a couples counselor. Sometimes having a third party who is neutral, can help you two work out these difficult issues. Sometimes one, or both of the couple need a different perspective that helps them to move forward. This may be especially true for DP who is struggling to find it in herself to want to move on.

Secondly,  think you should research and think a little more on adoption. I know it can be a difficult place to go emotionally, but to get yourself there, I think you guys need to know more. I too had preconceptions about what adoption looked like (i.e. it woud be expensive to get an infant) but I told you I learned a lot in the adoption workshop for Queers that I went to. There are 30 infants in Alameda County each month that need a home. Fostering to adopt is a good option and I think it has a lot of stigmas and myths attached to it that can be broken down.

It has hard to understand that getting pregnant, even in any "normal" fully ovulating woman can take a year or more. Do you think your DP is having a hard time accepting that this may be her truth? Did she have expectations that it would be sooner? I know in my emotional journey I've had to break down a lot of preconceived notions and ideas to get to the next phase.

What has helped me tremendously is a support group for women going through this. There is one that I go to in the East Bay and I invite DP to join us. The women are very welcoming no matter what your personal journey and they help to keep me going emotionally. If your DP is just depending on herself and you to see herself through emotionally, she's probably crying out for additional help. Whether it be an individual counself, a couples counselor or a support group.

Email or call if you need to talk.

Krista

[starling&diesel]

Hi Cananny ...

First of all, an endless supply of hugs for you and your partner.

I don't have experience with your specific set of circumstances, but I do want to drop in and tell you that it took almost fifteen years for me to come to terms with my own infertility.  I was told at 17 years old that I would never have children.  This was when I was planning to become a midwife, right down to taking the prerequisite courses in order to get into the program a couple of years later.

I was destroyed, and quite literally emotionally crippled by the loss of those babies that I would never have.

I grieved intensely for another fifteen years, until we were offered the possibility of adopting embryos.  I want to tell you that these things take time.  Time to process, grieve, research, plan, hope, dream, and be devastated over and over again until your family takes the shape that was meant to be. 

[indigoscot]

i don't have any personal experience either with what you and your dp are going through but i couldn't read and not comment and send along some hugs.

i think at the beginning of the ttc journey everyone thinks "hey, this is easy, we get some sperm, get inseminated and voila!  pregnant".  the truth is far, far from that reality though.  in healthy 20-something hetero couples the percentage change of getting pregnant in any given cycle is 20%.  20%!!!!  the human reproductive system is highly inefficient. 

dp and i come from families that are insanely fertile.  we are both one of three and dp's sisters have 7 kids between then.  my sister had (at the time) 2 kids (she how has three) and my brother now has 2.  we both assumed it would be easy to get pregnant and how could either of us possibly have any fertility issues given our family experience?

initially i wasn't going to be pregnant at all.  dp is 7 years younger than me and it seemed like a better idea for her to carry all the babies.  then she started thinking about how much she'd like a curly headed baby so we talked and decided i would try first and have 6 tries total.  if i wasn't pregnant after 6 tries we would switch to her.  since i was 36 we decided to get all the testing done - cd3 bloodwork, tsh, prolactin plus the hsg.  my prolactin was slightly elevated and then after the hsg there was some concern about me having a bicornuate uterus (turns out it was just arcuate).  my first try was a bust and that was so.freaking.hard.  after that i insisted on having my prolactin tested again and it was still elevated.  i had a second opinion done at the re's office and they put me on dostinex to bring it down to a normal level.  i had to take 2 months off for that...again, so hard.  the very next cycle i got my bfp.  and yes, we did have a curly headed baby.  :)

when it was dp's turn we did all the testing again.  imagine our surprise that she was diagnosed with hashimoto's (hypothyroid), pcos, mthfr A1298C and factor v leiden hetero.  NONE of these are noticable without bloodwork.  thankfully all were easily treated.  still it took 3 tries plus another 2 month break for tsh regulation before we got our bfp.

i'd talk to your dp about all of our experiences here on the board.  let her read through the posts even.  if she sees others in the same situation and that there are reasons why she is not getting pregnant maybe that would help.  i definitely think you need to talk more about having kids and exactly what you BOTH want.  i highly recommend getting all the testing done and even seeing a specialist if necessary.

good luck!

g

[carmen358]

I'm sorry I don't have anything particularly insightful to say. I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I'm listening to you. This can be a hard, hard road to take.

[jennp85]

I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, but I wish you both smoother sailing.  I think taking a break and spending some time really listening to each other would be a good idea.  And I second that adoption deserves more investigating.  Good luck and I hope you guys can work through this to find the path that is right for your family.

prettyisa- I'm sorry you guys are having a hard time.  I'm sending happy thoughts in a slightly south-east direction!

[Cananny]

wanted to stop back and say thank you to every one of you who listened. who replied.. We are talking things through, she expressed she is scared that this will change us.. she is scared of giving birth .. of how it will hurt... we have had a nice few days.... and come to a sort of resolution

we are going to pursure foster-adopt take some of the classes, ect.. and still TTC.. she feels if some of the pressure is taken off of her she might feel more relaxed and calm regarding insem days....

i want to thank all of you.. you have given me/us some wonderful advice....

on a side note.. i have been without my own car since May when I got into an accident and totalled my car :( DP and I have been able to share one car but it has def put a strain on time, ect.. so on Sat we went and bought a car for me.. well its a mom car :) Its a 2010 hyundai santa fe.. Im in love with it.. but not the payments that come with it :) hehee

[differentfamily]

yay for cars! We would love a second car too!

Also, I totally feel you here....and I feel your partners fear too. I too would be in her shoes (panties?) if my partner were unable to carry a child. One thing that may help her is to do some reading on childbirth and relax some of the myths and fears she has. I really recommend anything by Ina May Gaskin. Also Hypnobirthing helped my partner (and me, frankly, as I am often frozen by fear). She may just need to let herself live in the moment and not jump to the childbirth.ANd whatever she does, don;t have her talk to a bunch of people with horrifying birth stories.

Also, have you done a count on the KD swimmers?

One more also, do you have one of these fertility monitor dealies? This helped my partner a lot.