When non-custodial parent insists on extracurricular activity

[MissLotus]

I've been dealing for quite some time with my ex (who by the way, is the poster boy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder so there is NO discussing anything with him in a rational manner - if he is disagreed with, he flies into an insulting, abusive rage, period). 

Our son (10) was invited to play in a fall baseball program this year, and has said clearly that he doesn't want to do it.  He enjoys Little League in the spring, and I am very supportive of him in this.  But (to my surprise, actually) he was clear that he doesn't want to do this fall baseball program.  Fine with me!  It's certainly not mandatory, and I know he might want to try out other activities for the fall.  But his father - who is non-custodial but has visitation - got very angry with our son for not wanting to do the program.  In typical narcissistic fashion, the older our son gets and wants to give his own opinion, ex tries to clamp down on that - anything where he loses control in the matter is a no-no. 

Also, ex uses extracurricular activities as an excuse, literally, to stalk me.  He follows us to the car afterwards, is quite insulting whenever he sees me in person, and in no way is that a positive send-off for our son!  So I'm sure part of his rage is that he's missing this "opportunity" for access to me.

When our son - who told me all this himself - tried simply to explain that he chooses not to do the ball program this fall, ex told him that "his mother made him say that" and proceeded to call me a filthy name in front of our son.  (And for the record, I didn't even KNOW about the ball program at the time and had never discussed it with our son!)  So our son had to be insulted and disrespected - then to hear his mother degraded - all in the name of a "fun" activity.

Ex will have no legal recourse in this matter.  But he sure will act hellish to our child, simply because he (ex) is not getting his way.  I have already politely emailed the coach, thanking him for the opportunity, but that for this year, our son has made the choice for himself and that both his father and I will need to respect that.  (I also slipped in that as the custodial parent, our son's activities need to be amenable to my schedule as it's me responsible for getting him places).  He seems a nice man, so hope he's getting that point so that as ex tries to get his way, coach may say something like, "Things like this are best when the kids actually want to do it," and encourage ex to leave our kid alone.  Okay - I know that's hoping for a lot, but God knows ex never listens to me.  There is no earthly reason for him to get so worked up about if our son does this activity or not - son doesn't WANT to.  So it's just about ex having a tantrum.  Our son's with him at the moment, on vacation - so really don't feel like writing to ex and getting him more stirred up while my poor son is in his presence.  Oy.  So had to vent here...

I wonder if others deal with exes who are pushy about this stuff!

[xmommy24x]

I am dealing with this too. This is one of the biggest reasons why I am leaving my husband. He is so controlling with all of us and is saying he will force my boys to wrestle. He has been teaching them moves and has made them wrestle each other until someone is hurt (not badly). He did mma and insist that our children MUST do it too. It's not just the mma, he is like this with everything!!! He criticizes every single move we all make. When someone runs, their arms are too floppy and they're not fast enough, when they speak, a word may not be perfectly clear, when they play baseball, they hit like girls, I could go on and on. I have no advice, but I do know what you are going through :) I just tell my boys that daddy didn't have a daddy growing up so he doesn't know how be a daddy but that he loves them. I also tell them that they are responsible for their bodies and do not have to do anything that they do not want to do.