Should they tell him he is dieing?

[charmarty]

My Papa had a massive stroke on Mothers Day.He has had some major complications for two years now.Surving many minny strokes,and heart attacks,has now led him to this point.Without going into too much medical history.He is going to die.The docrs told the family they dont expect him to live past the next 2 weeks.
He is completely coherient,and understands alot of whats being said to him,but he cannot speak well enough to understand much of what he says.
My question to you is,should someone tell him he is going to die?
I realize he may know already or at least has a feeling he is.But should someone tell him so he knows for sure?Would you want to know?What would you say?
Sorry,I know these are tough questions.This is how we feel about it too.The family is split right down the middle as to tell him or not.We could sure use some outside oponions.

Thank-you;
Charmaine

[queencarr]

My grandfather died almost 2 years ago, from liver cancer, about 6 weeks after he was diagnosed. After going through that experience, I would definitely want to know. He was able to decide that he wanted to be at home, so they checked him out of the hospital. He was able to visit with, see, and say his goodbyes to everyone. He was able to finish some poems he had been working on for years. He set his finances in order, told my grandmother where all the important papers were, went over the taxes, left her feeling confident she could handle these things. Heck, he even planned his own memorial (picked the songs, everything). My point is, he was able to leave this life feeling complete, and that he had finished all that he was supposed to do, and feel that his passing would not be a burden to anyone still here. I would imagine that your Papa has a sense of what is happening, as the mind and soul turn inward in those last days. He probably is also aware of the tension and stress he sees in his family.

It is a tough decision, but in our family knowing was the best thing that could have happened. By the time he died, he was waiting for it emotionally. He had a chance to grieve it, accept it, and look forward to it (we are a religious family, so I suppose that makes a difference). For the family, although it was a hard time, there was a sense of peace about the whole process. There were no unspoken words, and there were plenty of hugs and kisses and I love yous. We created wonderful memories. I don't know how you could do that without your Papa knowing. If you haven't already, please look into hospice care at home. It is such a dignified way to approach everything.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. There are no words to express that to you.

Carrie

[zealsmom]

(((((( charmarty)))))))

I would say if he asks, then tell, otherwise, it doesn't seem to be a good idea.

12 years ago, dh's stepfather (the man who raised him) was given a death sentence of 2 months. He lived 10 more years only because of, well who knows why really. But it is pretty widely excepted that when you are told you will die, most do within the time frame given.

[charmarty]

Thank-you both for your responces.I can relate to both of your stories.I can also see why you chose to make each a different decision bases on your family,and loved one.I just wish it came to us like that.Zealsmom~do you an article that i could read to back your statement up about when you are told you are going to die you usually do within that time frame?I would like to learn more about it.
Thank-you both for your kind words,and hugs

[Ms. Mom]

Charmaine, Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. It sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make and you've been givin 2 veiws that are spoken lovingly.

Let us know what works best for you and your family. I know this is going to be a ver difficult time for you. Please know your in my thoughts.

[charmarty]

Thank-you so much Ms.Mom.That really means alot to me.I will keep everyone posted as to what we decide to do.So far the family is still split in the middle.Its things like this that tear a family apart.Its already starting to happen I m afraid.It is difficult when everyone is thinking with thier emotions instead of thier heads.

Much Love to all
Charmaine

[Ms. Mom]

I know how difficult it can be. When my Nana was dying many family members kept telling her she was 'getting better and going home'. It really frustrated me, she wasn't stupid! She knew what was happening. She also lost her voice toward the end and I would just ask her if she understood what was happening. She would nodd and patt my hand. I don't think the words needed to be spoken in her case, but I also thought it was confusing to tell her she was 'going home soon and getting better'.

Again, this was my situation. As I mentioned everyone's family dynamics are different. Ask yourself what would be gained by telling him, what could be lost. He's most likely aware of what's happening.

You may also want to speak to a Hospice worker at the hospital. They can counsel you and the patient and give you some really great information.

I wish you gentleness as you journey down this path.

[JessicaS]

If he is truly that ill he probably already knows...

My grandfather had his first stroke almost 20 years ago now...the last time I heard him speak was 1993....Drs never "know" when people are going to die....

[indiegirl]

do what you feel in your heart is the best...If you need to tell him, the time will present itself in a perfect way. I'm sure he knows.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[jamminmommy]

I am voting in favor of telling him the truth. Here is why.

My father died on Saturday, March 9. On Wed March 6 my dad, mom, sister and I all met with my dad's doctor and he told us the gravity of my dad's situation. My dad was very weakened but he could respond and make decisions.

It was a relief to talk about what was going on. Yes, it was hard. Very hard. My dad made the decision to enter a hospital for his last few days, one where no interventions would be done that were not of his choosing. The nurses there were wonderful and experienced in the kind of last-days situation that we were in.

I was very blessed to have those last few days with my father. He told stories about his past that I had never heard before. It was a healing time for all of us. We supported each other.

My dad passed very peacefully and the memories of those last days are a comfort to me.

Peace to your family in this difficult time.
I never, ever would have imagined that my dad would use those last few days the way he did. He was not a man of many words. He handled the knowledge of his impending death with grace, humor, and kindness. It was his last gift to us.

[charmarty]

Thank-you all so much for your support and kind words.
I know he knows.Its in his eyes now,in his qiuet way.In his words without saying anything.We have our answer.He answered it for us.Now we can talk openly.Say our things,have closure.In a way we are lucky to have this chance to say the things we need to.Too many poeple dont get that chance.We will use our time wisely.
Thank -you
With love,Charmaine

[JessicaS]

I am so glad you are able to talk to him about it. Write down everything you can. It is such a blessing to truly get say goodbye.

[jamminmommy]

sending you hugs while you all move through this life passage.

[charmarty]

He is still here.Its been over a month now.The doc said 2 weeks.I know I shouldnt be angry at them bc they really have no guage to go on,but I am.It feels like a roller coaster.We just want him to go peacefully,and so does he.He says hes tired of fighting.We dont want him to suffer anymore.If only there was no pain for him to endure every second.I just wanted to let you all know where we are at.Thanks

[charmarty]

My Papa died last night.He went peacefully in his sleep.I saw him today and he looks to much at rest.Much better than he did alive in that hospital bed.He even looked relieved.
Thank you to all of you who have responded to my post,and who have sent kind words.You all are wornderful

[Irishmommy]

((((Charmarty))))

My condolences on the loss of your father.