Married but feel like a single mom?

[craft_media_hero]

I don't know if this is in the right place.

My husband works graveyards 6 nights a week. He wants to spend his one night off "relaxing" (read: drinking with friends) and usually away from the house. So I am on my own with them that night, and the next day while he sleeps it off, too.

He is asleep all day, often til right before I put the kids to bed. Then he will wake up and I will ask for some much needed relief and he will be all scoffy coz he just woke up and wants an hour to himself--I wake up and am immediately caring for the kids or house; I dont expect an hour to myself before I pick up responsibilities.

I WAH, too; lately it's been really hard since ds learned to climb up the furniture. Dh doesn't recognize this or acknowledge that it is waaaay harder to wah than in a nice quiet office. He has said I can quit if I want to, but I don't want to, what I want is support so that this situation is sustainable.

We have very little outside support; nobody takes the kids. I love love love my kids and that I get to be present with them now. I feel sorry for dh that he's missing so much, but I need help. I dont want to be irritable with them, but I am often just coz we are not meant to parent in isolation and I think what is being required of me right now is totally unnatural!

I am "on" 24/7; theresno breaks. Ds just turned 1 but wakes veryfrequently at night to nurse. I am feeling really burnt out, and when I say that dh is just like, welcome to my world. He has depression and ADD and neither are being treated. He did say he'd take an herb/vitamin regimen, but I will be the one to sort that out, or it will not happen.

I feel angry and resentful. I know he is tired and that his shift really sucks; I totally understand that. BUT Dh thinks his job should be his only responsibility, and I am left with everything else, and I can't keep up. I am spinning my wheels. The house is messy which depresses me, but there are major projects that I feel too overwhelmed to tackle by myself, plus house maintenance that I dont have the knowledge base to do (tooly stuff I never learned).

I am seeing a counselor, and the chance to get stuff off my chest is good, but I only was approved for 6 sessions, we're halfway thru, and I dont feel like I've gotten any practical ideas of how to improve things. The counselor says line out a list of every single task that needs done and tell dh I need him to take some or Im gonna burn out and he'll have a nonfunctional wife. Well, that did nothing, the giant chore chart is looming over me with every single task still mine.

ETA-I forgot two thi gs 1. Counselor told me to take 1 hr aday to myself. Great! But that is nap time when I make phone calls for work or do housework, so those things are just getting dropped leaving more chaos and me feeling guilty about it. 2. Dh plays video games every day, 30 min+, up to two hours sometimes. Okay, thats his hobby, Im trying not to judge the value of it, and I respect that he needs his hour or so just like I do, but if he can make time for that, then there is time for him to help with laundry and parenting, etc. Trying not to feel mad about it, sometimes I spend the same amount of time online or watching a movie, etc. But his gaming irritates me, I think its so juvenile and pointless!

I'm sorry, I dont want a pity party; I want some btdtd commisseration, ideas to make this work, how to let go of my expectations of dh, some companionship, some peace. How do I let go of my resentment/anger toward him? How do I accept this situation and make the best of it? How do I and my family thrive here? This is hard, and I wantto make it work-I feel like theres a lot of stress on my marriage and we are mostly not enjoying the little time we have together.

How do I become "non-attached" to depending on dh for help when he's obviosly incapable right now oris that even the right path? Is that enabling him? IDK.
Edited by craft_media_hero - 7/31/11 at 9:48am

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't have the focus to respond to all of this right now but a few things that stand out to me:

1 - Help your DH treat his depression. As someone who's BTDT, it can be very very hard to pull yourself out of it even enough to get help. So get the herbal stuff or whatever he'll take, or make him an appt with a psychiatrist, or whatever, because sometimes it's just impossible to take care of yourself when you're depressed. Maybe once his mental health is restored, he'll be more able to pitch in around the house, with the kids, etc. I hate to sound like I'm making excuses for what he's doing, but the first thing I thought when I started reading your post is that he sounds depressed, even before I got to the part where you mentioned that. And working graveyard shift generally makes that worse.

2 - See if you can find a community -- a group of friends that you can rely on for emotional and actual support. It will take time, I wish it was an instant fix but if you really hit it off with a couple of people, then you'll have someone to get together with and trade off babysitting and just be able to vent to... It sounds like you need real-word support and it's too bad you can't at least continue with the counselor (6 sessions??? that's it?!?! are they nuts?!? lol)

3 - Since you are WAH for what I assume is 'extra money' (since you say you COULD quit but enjoy working?? unless I read that wrong), could you use the money you are bringing in to pay for someone else to do home repairs, house cleaning, etc? Could you pay for a nanny to come entertain the kids while you work (and maybe for an hour or two afterward so you can relax?) It is soooo hard to WAH with kids, I know because I do it too... if it's not a financial necessity then think of how you can use that money to make your life easier.

[craft_media_hero]

Thanks so much, crunchy mommy!

My job is an investment in my future and pays extras that we dont need but want, like toys/clothes for the kids, stuff for thehouse we could get by without, art supplies, lol. I work as a bf peer counselor and can become a CLE, IBCLC in the future, etc if I stick with it, for a career when the kids are older and Im ready to wohm. Plus I really love that I am supporting families to bf It also pays my student loan payment! So I am keeping it, but from dh it feels like since I choose not to quit, Im on my own to figure out how to make it work--'you made your bed, lie in it' type thing.

Paying for repairs from that $ is a good idea. And hiring a mothers helper, too.

I am starting to develop a circle of mommy friends- I tend to develop relationships verrrrry slowly, lol, so Ive known these peeps for years and we are just starting to hang out.

I will get serious abt figuring out supplements for dh; counselor highly recommends him being on antidepressants, but we are not a big medicating family. It is important.

Your post gave me some hope! Just someone affirming me helps, thank you.

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm glad it helps a bit.

I'm the same way about taking a long time to warm up to people. All I can recommend with that is to put yourself out there even more, go the extra mile to get together with your friends & continuing to develop the relationships... I seriously don't think I could survive motherhood without my mama friends!!!!

I would consider antidepressants for your DH, if he is open to them. He really isn't functioning, and that's not fair to him or you, and I'm sure he's unhappy. It doesn't have to be a lifelong thing. I was on meds for several years and it was what I needed at the time, because I was so non-functional without them that I couldn't have even been open to learning other ways of dealing with it, you know? But I've been off them for nearly a decade now. So he might just need something to help him get on the right path, and once he's found his way he can wean off the meds or try something more natural instead.

I do think he needs a bit of an attitude adjustment -- none of this 'you made your bed, now lie in it" stuff!! It doesn't sound like he sees himself as a part of the team. I'd love to know if he gives you a night off just like you give him a night to go out drinking with his friends. That's one thing I might insist on -- he finds some way to give you equal time off, maybe switch off weeks or something. And if you give him an hour to wake up or play video games then he needs to give you an hour to relax each day too. If there's not time for that, then he needs to cut it down to 1/2 an hour so you can have the other half. You may not be able to make things perfectly even but they shouldn't be as skewed as they are. I shouldn't talk, I give DH 10-15+ hours to himself (with some 5+ hour chunks of time, doesn't that sound heavenly?!!) but I've never even been away from DS for more than 2-3 hours, and even that has been rare lol. BUT, my DH is expected to spend some of his time to himself doing chores around the house and stuff, and he pitches in a ton when we're all home too. I don't dictate how he spends his time, but I do not plan on being the sole parent or housekeeper or whatever!! And your DH needs to stop devaluing your job. Some of it might be the depression talking but not all of it. Can you guys have a heart-to-heart about this? How would he respond?

[insidevoice]

My DH works a crazy schedule (and way too many hours!) but he also currently works over 1000 miles away, so I really *am* on my own with three kids.  Oddly, I am less resentful of his lack of help when he's not here at all.  I just deal with things myself and move along with my life. It was kind of an eye opener for me to realize that a lot of my anger came from what I expected him to do to help out when he was around. 

My solution, when we are together is to TELL him what I need and expect from him- in his case, I put it on a big dry erase board so he sees it and knows it is coming.

Wash dishes

Take out trash

Take the kids from 2-4 pm so I can do xyz. 

If he sees what is expected, he is happy to do it, he's just really bad at knowing how to help without direction. 

As for the depression- I issued an ultimatum. Unless you are willing to separate over it, I wouldn't suggest that path.  I was ready to walk away though if he wasn't willing to make some changes within his life. He agreed to counseling and things have improved a great deal. 

[Rebecca2009]

Did you issue an ultimatum for your DH to get treated?  I have never thought of that.  I may need to do that sometime myself.

[craft_media_hero]

I did not give an ultimatum. Imentioned taking an Rx, and he was balky about it. I am getting weekly am/pm pill boxes and am going to rsrch what would be appropriate dosages of 5htp, st johns wart, and b vites. Plus I am going to get fclo for the whole fam. I really think he is not getting enough sun, too. We will give that a month or so and hope for improvement, if not maybe seeif he will consider an rx.

Yesterday, he cleaned up the kitchen and put all our laundry away--he does have the desire to be functional, but yeah, just really I think down in the whole and the graveyards make it worse.

He out of the blue thanked me for being such a committed mommy and working for us, too. Just him acknowledging that I am working so hard really makes me feel better. I dont know what to do about the inequalities in free time and parenting committments.

I think I just need to make plans and then let him know that I will be away and he will be watching the kids. If I ask him when is a good time, then he hems and haws about it.

To the pp who said less resentment when dh is physically not present, I totally agree! I dont know why that is. Someti es dh sleeps at his grammas during the day just coz her house is close to his work and quieter, and I just lock in to what I need to do and dont think abt waking him up when it starts getting late and I am feeling burnt out.

I wish he would come with me to counseling and that we were approved for more sessions!

[Katwoman]

You should seriously consider him seeing a naturalpath or Nurse practitioner that specializes in Naturalpathy.  It's great that you're willing to do the research for the things you know about, but her really could have something else going on that needs to be treated.  For me it was epstein barr.  For my daughter is was hypothyriodism.  That could not be treated by the supplements you refer too.  A doc or nurse practioner can really examine him and determine what would really help.  (I realize this requires him to do "one more thing" on his already full plate.  But it really could benefit him a great deal.) 

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by Rebecca2009 

Did you issue an ultimatum for your DH to get treated?  I have never thought of that.  I may need to do that sometime myself.

In my case, absolutely.  I explained very clearly that, much as I care for him, I would not be able to stay in a relationship with someone who was not willing to seek help when his behaviors were having an impact on the family as a whole.  He was frustrated, but he also saw that my decision was about what I would or wouldn't tolerate in my life.  Once he did seek some help, he had the energy to follow through with it himself. 

[lilyka]

since you feel like a single mom how about you start acting like one.  I thought i felt like a single mom when I was married but it turns out things got so much easier once he was actually gone.  I no longer had to put up with his demands or do his laundry or tip toe around.....

Use your money to hire a house keeper and maybe a mothers helper so you can get out for a walk or something every day and get some help with the chores. 

Stop doing his chores.  If he isn't going to be a team player perhaps you should also not worry about being a team player.  Let him do his own laundry, dishes and cooking.

Give him eight hours to sleep and then stop tip toeing around.

.  

I have had depression and don't feel bad for people who have it and refuse treatment.  try something.  If you have a family getting treatment is not optional.  

Also I used to work night shifts.  Could he be sleeping at a better time?  half the people I worked with went home and slept right away.  The others slept for 7 or 8 hours before their shift started.  For example I slept from about 7-1 but Natalia slept from 2 to 9.  What would work best to overlap with your kids sleeping schedules?  The early sleeping worked better for me because my kids were asleep through part of my sleeping.   Would it work for your dh to adjust his sleeping so that part of his snooze time overlapped with his kids snooze time and more of awake time overlapped with their awake time.?

Edited by lilyka - 8/2/11 at 4:32pm

[FarmerBeth]

Originally Posted by Katwoman 

You should seriously consider him seeing a naturalpath or Nurse practitioner that specializes in Naturalpathy.  It's great that you're willing to do the research for the things you know about, but her really could have something else going on that needs to be treated.  For me it was epstein barr.  For my daughter is was hypothyriodism.  That could not be treated by the supplements you refer too.  A doc or nurse practioner can really examine him and determine what would really help.  (I realize this requires him to do "one more thing" on his already full plate.  But it really could benefit him a great deal.) 

I second seeing someone, if he's more comfortable with a naturopath, then that works, or your GP, whatever he will agree to in order to be checked out.  My DH a little over a year ago had a similar situation, although he was acting more anxious and stressed about everything than depressed.  Point being, between frequent night shifts and mood (and like the OP's husband, he is also an adult with ADHD) and less than stellar organizational skills, I felt like I was doing everything.  I made an ultimatum that he get checked out by the doctor at least over the mood and some general "unwell" complaints he was attributing to night shift (lousy appetite, shaky, heart beating fast, felt sweaty all the time).  It turned out he had sever hyperthyroidism, probably brought on by a virus, and unmedicated this could have caused a heart attack.  I'm very glad I made him go.  Then in the meantime, the doctor also spent some time talking about stress coping skills and time management with the night shifts.  Things are much better, now.

Even if nothing is behind this beyond the depression and ADD that you know about, seeing someone could open him up to hearing life-coping strategies that he doesn't feel ready to hear from you.
 

[BabyMae09]

I felt like that too, at one time... I know this might sound bad, but honestly, what helped in my case was changing myself. My situation was different from yours, but when I started doing affirmations, 'praying' for my DH, and appreciating him more, things started changing a lot. I made sure I looked nice when he got home, cooked a good dinner, told him that I appreciated him working so I didn't have to, etc. When I started what I call the 'upward spiral' rather than indulging in negativity, things began to change.

But honestly, it sounds like your DH is depressed, and when someone is depressed, even if they WANT to do better, it can be so, so hard. I honestly needed someone to give me my supplements every day, remind me to rest when needed, etc. I was grumpy about being 'treated like a child' but now I'm so glad I had help like that. Anyway, those are my two sides of the issue. I hope it helped :)

[chimomma]

I second  hiring some one to help with the house/kids, encouraging DH to see a doctor, and stop doing his work for him. I suspect myself of having ADD so knowing what that's like, I wouldn't take his behavior personally if he is not getting things done. It can be hard to "get it together" even if he does have good intentions. I would let him learn from the consequences of his own in actions rather than you doing what is his responsibility to do. Loving detachment. If he may not be able to meet your needs in some areas, try to get outside support where he can't support you. Try to create rituals and routines as a couple so you have some quality time to nourish the good things about the relationship. That being said, I would still let him know specific things he can do to help you. Big to do list can often be overwhelming to people and you both sound already overwhelmed. Try encouraging him to do one thing at a time to help you rather than piling up many things at once.

I am reading the book "The Mood Cure." I highly recommend it. Although I have not tried any of the recommended supplements in it yet, I am excited to try a lot of the natural amino acids and supplements that are said to be very effective and fast acting for different problems like depression, concentration, too much stress. I think you will most likely find benefit in that book for him and you. For the ADD Omega 3 Oils (fish oil) are very important. There are also specific supplements like tyrosine that support dopamine function and the related brain chemicals which are lacking in ADDers. Sometimes stimulant medication can be very helpful or necessary, but does not have to be permanent. Another option is to try a nutritional balancing program which over time helps restore the body and brain chemistry to a normal level and improve health in a deep and holistic way.  It does take some commitment and effort, though.

[BabyMae09]

Be careful of fish oil - some of it is high in mercury, which can exacerbate depression and other conditions.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Being a single mom is great! There are so many advantages. Living with a man that is not a partner is nothing like being a single mom. My first husband worked nights. My second husband left while I was pregnant with my third child. I raised 3 sons on my own and it was a great decision for me. I like having a dog more than being married:)

[craft_media_hero]

So much great advice on this thread, thank you all so much!

The thing with the ND or MD is $ we have to pay everything out of pocket and funds are tight right now. I knowthat sounds lame . . . But $300 is a lot!

To the last pp, Lol, I enjoyed being a single mom with my oldest when She was little, too. Maybe the thread title is not a good comparison!

Some things are getting better- I am getting some free time out with friends and we both have agreedthat we need to sit down with a calendar and make dates forourselves and eachother and time with the kids, tho we have not done that yet we are managing somedates andfamilydates.

He got switched to swings and I am seeing an immediate positive change in his mood, he's being a lot more patient withthe kids and just all around a greater tolerance for frustration.

I really like the "upward spiral" concept--I am definitely going to keep that with me!

Also, I've been practicing non-attachment orloving detachment like pp said. Just. Not trying to control him or have expectations for how he spends his time or feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy, and this feels veryfreeing, to just focus on what I need to do and want and appreciating what he does put forward in effort toward thehouse, etc.

He really is great in a lot of ways, we just have been pretty strained and bickering a lot.

Iam refusing to fight as well. I am a conscientious objector now a non-combatant. When itstarts getting bickery, I am just choosing to tune out and not respond even if I disagree, maybe thats avoiding issues that need addressed? But I just dont have the energy to hash it out and talk abt it and tryto express why I feel differently all the time. Just exhausting and not how I want to spend my time!

Thanks again for the words of support, I am open to new ways of thinking and any ideas that can help us!

[craft_media_hero]

Well, I'm back. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I am having a hard time feeling happy with our relationship still.

Now dh is on swings, gets off at 1 am, stays up til 3 am screening out, then sleeps till 11 or 1 the next day, spends his "morning" hiding in the bathroom reading gaming magazines or just books out of the house to "run errands" (often going by the game shop or comic book shop and browsing, meeting his dad or brother for lunch and beers). Then he's back at work at 4 or 5 pm. :(

I am trying to remain non-judgmental about his hobbies, but I'm feeling:

A) it's unfair that he gets so much down time, and I barely get covered for him to watch the kids while I go to work, much less dawdle around the book store

B) unloved or like he's avoiding us as a family

C) jealous that he is spending his energy elsewhere and that the best of him, his focused free time, is devoted to other people/things/himself

D) angry that I am doing all the parenting for 22 hours a day while he lays in bed and sleeps or gets to ride around town unhindered by the slowness of moving through the day with a family

He has been waking up and running some dishes, picking up the front room, or working on laundry. So he is pitching in on the chores and stuff now.

But I feel like internally, he is "checked out" of the family and just really being selfish or just doesn't have the desire to hang out with us or just avoiding us :(

Am I being unreasonable? How involved in family life are your working partners, particularly if they work strange hours? Do you do most of the parenting, and are you okay with that? How attached are you to your partner's free time?

Dh sees me as being controlling or wanting to micro-manage his time. I have tried to explain why I am unhappy with this or why I want him to wake up with us as a family, and he seems unmoved and irritated that I am "so needy". He justifies sleeping all day with the fact that he works every night. He seems to perceive this as my "role" in the family, to deal with everything except for being the primary wage earner, and I don't think that's fair or equal, and it's a situation heading toward mommy burn-out.

We have counseling today. I hope dh will come. I'm going to write this stuff down and address it with the counselor present.

At least we have not been fighting or bickering  and he seems happier, but I am not. I am angry and resentful and disgusted that I even need to tell him this stuff because I think that it should be basic consideration of your partner's needs. 

I could really use some feedback on this and constructive thoughts/advice. 

Thank you!

[Imakcerka]

Oh mama that was my life.  I'm so sorry you're going through all that.  It's hard and very disheartening when the one you should be able to depend on isn't coming through.

My sister is going through this now.  I did something for myself and will always be grateful I did it.  I literally stopped all talk with DH, I didn't ask for help and I didn't offer him any.  I literally quit.  Just as he had.  We were a partnership and he chose not to be the other half.  He knew my expectations and he didn't meet them while expecting me to meet his.  It didn't take long for him to notice.  And ask where his clothes were... right where you left them dear... where's dinner?  I didn't have time.  Why is the house a mess... well... why is it? 

I worked out of the home and had to do it all.  And I decided I didn't have to do any of it anymore.  I fed me and the baby and washed our clothes when needed.  I spent as much time out of the house while he was in it as I could.  I made friends and enjoyed myself.  He eventually started asking me to stay home more and hang out with him.  He was initially mad that his expectations were not being met.  However I was too, and I learned that upsetting him wasn't the worst thing in the world.  I was upset too. 

The thing is I stopped feeling let down and started feeling empowered.  I did for myself and it felt good.  Things didn't change over night.  But he got the point.  And stepped it up a bit.  And we both became more aware of each others needs.  But it took time.  A lot of time. 

Good luck and I hope for you all works out.  You deserve a good home life.  Hugs to you.

[crunchy_mommy]

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.

I do know it's hard to get home at 1am. It's not easy for most people to just hop into bed & go to sleep, and he probably needs some time to unwind. I understand that, and I can also understand sleeping 'til 11am if he's going to bed so late (staying in bed 'til 1pm seems excessive though!)

What I don't understand is why he's spending so much time away from you guys when he IS awake & not working. He could have from 11am-4pm, 5 hours straight, with you all... But even just half of that would give him time with you guys and time to himself.

Would he be open to, say, bringing the kids along while he runs errands, so you can get an hour or two to yourself? What would happen if you just handed over the kids when he woke up, and went out yourself to run errands or whatever?

Plus you are WAH, right??? So he can't even pull the 'you take care of the home & kids while I make the money' card, because you are making some of that money too!! And I can tell you, that can become pretty important -- my DH was the 'main' wage-earner for a while but he got laid off and now my WAH job is the only money we're bringing in (besides unemployment!) and the only reason we have health insurance. Your job is not just for extras -- maybe his job is for extras! He could take a job with better hours and maybe make a little less while you help ends meet or whatever but he is choosing not to, that doesn't make his job the only important one.

Have you read the book Equally Shared Parenting? I think it could be good for you and ESPECIALLY your DH to read, if he'd be willing to at least read some chapters of it. The book is a bit extreme (IMO) about splitting everything equally, but if you can look beyond that, many of the concepts in it are really great. It was helpful for me to read it & expect more out of DH and not take on all the burdens myself. I also started to see my job in a much more positive light. My DH didn't read the whole thing, I just picked out some sections that I thought he could relate to, but I think it really helped him, too, to see his role as 'father' differently. Jointly, it has changed out priorities quite a bit and had a great effect on our household!

One bit of real advice though... while I understand the sentiment that he should just KNOW what he needs to do to be part of the family, and just KNOW that he is being inconsiderate of your needs etc... I have found that men can be particularly bad mind-readers. SOOO many things I think should just be 'common sense' just aren't to DH! He is more than happy to work on things with me if I bring them up and explain, but if I expect him to just get it, he doesn't. I need to be VERY VERY straight-forward, direct, and explicit regarding how I feel, what I need, etc. Letting go of the thought that he will just pick up on these things has definitely improved our relationship (though I still need A LOT more practice with it!!)

[chimomma]

I agree with being really direct and specific about your expectations of him, but communicate in a way that honors him, not in a way in which he may feel forced. You might say "I miss spending time with you, is there a way we can see more of each other?" or "I miss you, when would you have time to talk about how we can spend more time as a family?" I don't think your expectation are at all unreasonable, but I do think you need to be certain you are communicating specifically what you want and what is bothering you.  Like PP said, you really cannot assume he gets it.

I know not everyone is interested in doing this, but I personally think it is very important for couples and families to have a set routine that keeps them in touch with each other even when life gets in the way. Like every Sunday is family day, every Wednesday DH and you go for a walk together, Thursday is DH's day with the kids, etc. These have to be a commitment that is made priority over anything else. Even if it isn't much time, it can be a consistent way to regularly maintain a connection.