My husband works graveyards 6 nights a week. He wants to spend his one night off "relaxing" (read: drinking with friends) and usually away from the house. So I am on my own with them that night, and the next day while he sleeps it off, too.
He is asleep all day, often til right before I put the kids to bed. Then he will wake up and I will ask for some much needed relief and he will be all scoffy coz he just woke up and wants an hour to himself--I wake up and am immediately caring for the kids or house; I dont expect an hour to myself before I pick up responsibilities.
I WAH, too; lately it's been really hard since ds learned to climb up the furniture. Dh doesn't recognize this or acknowledge that it is waaaay harder to wah than in a nice quiet office. He has said I can quit if I want to, but I don't want to, what I want is support so that this situation is sustainable.
We have very little outside support; nobody takes the kids. I love love love my kids and that I get to be present with them now. I feel sorry for dh that he's missing so much, but I need help. I dont want to be irritable with them, but I am often just coz we are not meant to parent in isolation and I think what is being required of me right now is totally unnatural!
I am "on" 24/7; theresno breaks. Ds just turned 1 but wakes veryfrequently at night to nurse. I am feeling really burnt out, and when I say that dh is just like, welcome to my world. He has depression and ADD and neither are being treated. He did say he'd take an herb/vitamin regimen, but I will be the one to sort that out, or it will not happen.
I feel angry and resentful. I know he is tired and that his shift really sucks; I totally understand that. BUT Dh thinks his job should be his only responsibility, and I am left with everything else, and I can't keep up. I am spinning my wheels. The house is messy which depresses me, but there are major projects that I feel too overwhelmed to tackle by myself, plus house maintenance that I dont have the knowledge base to do (tooly stuff I never learned).
I am seeing a counselor, and the chance to get stuff off my chest is good, but I only was approved for 6 sessions, we're halfway thru, and I dont feel like I've gotten any practical ideas of how to improve things. The counselor says line out a list of every single task that needs done and tell dh I need him to take some or Im gonna burn out and he'll have a nonfunctional wife. Well, that did nothing, the giant chore chart is looming over me with every single task still mine.
ETA-I forgot two thi gs 1. Counselor told me to take 1 hr aday to myself. Great! But that is nap time when I make phone calls for work or do housework, so those things are just getting dropped leaving more chaos and me feeling guilty about it. 2. Dh plays video games every day, 30 min+, up to two hours sometimes. Okay, thats his hobby, Im trying not to judge the value of it, and I respect that he needs his hour or so just like I do, but if he can make time for that, then there is time for him to help with laundry and parenting, etc. Trying not to feel mad about it, sometimes I spend the same amount of time online or watching a movie, etc. But his gaming irritates me, I think its so juvenile and pointless!
I'm sorry, I dont want a pity party; I want some btdtd commisseration, ideas to make this work, how to let go of my expectations of dh, some companionship, some peace. How do I let go of my resentment/anger toward him? How do I accept this situation and make the best of it? How do I and my family thrive here? This is hard, and I wantto make it work-I feel like theres a lot of stress on my marriage and we are mostly not enjoying the little time we have together.
How do I become "non-attached" to depending on dh for help when he's obviosly incapable right now oris that even the right path? Is that enabling him? IDK.
Edited by craft_media_hero - 7/31/11 at 9:48am