post #21 of 21
Thread Starter 
Oh, thank you mamas.

I agree about the routine thing for the family, our counselor mentioned that, too. I am working on it--something I am running into is that as I become more organized and start working out our family rhythm, dh feels like I am dictatingnhis activities, even when he agrees on them ahead of time. He wants the freedom of being more random and loose, able to pick up and do whatever, tho for dd we really need this routine, its really helping her.

Sowe had another long talk and some of the reasons for the avoiding us stuff came out-- he sees our conversations as me always asking him to do something, and he resents that, which honestly really irritates me because I wouldnt ask for help if I didnt need it. He sees his time away from work as rare and doesnt want to do anything that anyone else initiates on his days off. Heis kinda oppositional and resists any kind of guided structure or activities that someone else initiates. He says I am all business whenever we talk and that is pretty true; thats where my mind and actions are, so thats what I ave available to talk about, and he doesnt want to hear it, which hurts my feelings coz I guess I have this misplaced idea that he doesnt appreciate what I do if I dont talk about it with him ?

He is bored to tears and backs away from me when I talk about the life details, the minutia that consumes my days. He doesnt want to hear about it, and why does that hurt my feelings so much? I think he doesnt care about this huge part of my life that drives my days. He does care and appreciate me taking care of the kids and home but just doesnt want to discuss it, I guess.

I am scared to ask him to do anything now, honestly. I am afraid he will get mad/resentful and push away, which is rly messed up coz we should be able to ask each other for assistance, duh. He said maybe its the way I ask, but Ive rly been trying to be direct and only ask him to do smth when I feel like I cant do it by myself.

I think he has unrealistic expectations for his days off, like that means you do nothing but pleasure activities, but sorry all this stuff that gets pushed off all week are still there on you weekend! And its not fair to expect me to attend to every.single.thing besides him clocking in for a paycheck. When I was a single parent, I went to work and still came home and did dishes and laundry and made dinner!

He again brought up why dont I quit my job to have more time and energy and less stress, and its tempting, but his job is not permanent tho it probably will be eventually, and I definitely want my own money-- it gives me security that I can provide for the things I want and for our kids and honestly I am scared of depending entirely on him for everything--what if worst case scenario happens and we drift apart? Also, he has made some comments that make me feel like he resents being the breadwinner, and wouldnt that be even moreso if I werent working?

Is it totally wrong to have a little part of me who has to have a backup/escape plan? I have PTSD as a rape survivor and I do see that some of my controlling or untrusting behavior comes from that.