How do you gear yourself up to be 'productive'?

[crunchy_mommy]

So after 2.5 years DH has finally seemed to internalize that I NEED time in the house to myself (meaning without DS around) and he's been trying to take DS out occasionally for a couple hours.

The problem is, by the time I gear myself up to DO something, they are pulling into the driveway! (Literally... like the SECOND I stand up I hear them pull up, every time!)

I don't even know exactly what I want to do with my time. There is some remodeling I'd like to do but I don't always have the energy for that, and there are some sewing projects I have piling up, and I enjoy reading & painting and stuff like that. So I guess something creative, but if not, at least the household tasks I don't get to do when DS is here.

Really, though, I spend the whole time doing stuff I won't do when DS & DH are around. I'm intensely private about a lot of things and so I can only do those things when I'm alone. Oh man that sounds wrong, I'm not talking about what you think I am lol. I mean that I have a lot of unresolved issues from my past & so when I have time alone I feel the need to wallow a bit... to research things online related to those issues... to sort of mentally replay my past... or else I just kind of numb myself by watching DIY shows on hulu or hanging around MDC (sooo slow here that it's not a very good pastime anymore lol). Then I will kind of pull myself up by my bootstraps and try to do something more enjoyable and less... self-indulgent, I guess... and in walk DH & DS.

So how do you do it??? Is this just because I have so many issues I try to ignore??? Or does anyone else have trouble winding up to do the things they enjoy or need to do? Actually, this problem seems to pervade my whole life, not just my 'me time' -- I'm the kind of person that will do nothing useful all day and then at 11pm decide to rearrange furniture or get into an in-depth conversation with DH or something.

[Rebecca2009]

I can definitely understand what you mean.

I also have a lot of issues from my past, some of them I didn't even know still bothered me until very recently.

In my case I think my failure at psyching myself up is cause of depression.  There are current issues in my life that are really hard and sometimes it just gets to me.  I have learned this summer to allow myself to just chill out when I have some alone time.  I am very good at beating myself up when I don't think I have been productive enough.  But we are human beings, not machines....we need down time, and you really get that when you're all by yourself.

Guess I don't have any advice for you really, but I sure can relate!

[philomom]

I hear you.. there are things I won't look up while the kids are in the house... no, not porn for you all with the dirty minds! But, I think the best way is to split your time. If they will be gone four hours, be online for two and then get up and get something else done. Also, for painting and such.. it helps me enormously to have all the supplies, tarps, brushes, tape and such out the night before so I don't spend half an hour looking for something after the family drives away.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Rebecca2009 

I have learned this summer to allow myself to just chill out when I have some alone time.  I am very good at beating myself up when I don't think I have been productive enough.  But we are human beings, not machines....we need down time, and you really get that when you're all by yourself.

Guess I don't have any advice for you really, but I sure can relate!

This is something I really struggle with, I spent all of my life (well, until I left home, so really only 16 years I guess) hearing that I was being lazy etc. if I tried to sleep in or lounge around the house or whatever. I think I've really internalized that voice and it's hard for me to be happy with 'doing nothing'...

Originally Posted by philomom 

But, I think the best way is to split your time. If they will be gone four hours, be online for two and then get up and get something else done. Also, for painting and such.. it helps me enormously to have all the supplies, tarps, brushes, tape and such out the night before so I don't spend half an hour looking for something after the family drives away.

Good ideas. One time DH set up all my painting stuff for me before I left and that helped a TON. I don't even know where a lot of my stuff is anymore because DH has some crazy system I don't understand & nothing ends up where I leave it lol. Some of my hesitation is just the amount of time and annoyance in finding what I would need to DO something. Maybe DH will help me with that.

[LCBMAX]

Let's see... first I fuss at husband and son to get them out the door faster, which only makes things worse for everyone. Then I do the "lazy" thing that I need. When the mental nagging is too loud to ignore I make a fabulous caffeinated drink and sip that while being "lazy" a little longer. Then, if I just really have to be productive, I put on an apron and a radio/ web streamed news program and get to work. If the work is noisy, I listen to podcasts on earphones. This all sounds so silly, but it's really truly what keeps me in the work: a costume, and entertainment. And I do deeply value the so-called lazy time, and like you I need it just to process, and like you I guilt myself for taking that time. AND, I value vacuuming once a month! Hoping someone else has great tricks to balancing this tray of needs.

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 



So how do you do it??? Is this just because I have so many issues I try to ignore??? Or does anyone else have trouble winding up to do the things they enjoy or need to do? Actually, this problem seems to pervade my whole life, not just my 'me time' -- I'm the kind of person that will do nothing useful all day and then at 11pm decide to rearrange furniture or get into an in-depth conversation with DH or something.

Wait, you mean that isn't when everyone does these things?  Ummm....

To be brutally honest, I'm working on this myself- for many of the same reasons probably.  I tend to slip into my mother's habits- I accomplish a lot when I get angry.  Sadly, this means that I get mean and nasty and overwhelmed when I have tasks to do- out of habit-  and am not the person I want to be.  

I kind of like the idea of getting an apron, maybe the costume would make a difference.

The only thing I have found that actually has made a tangible difference has been a kitchen timer.  I allow myself 15 minutes to myself, then make myself work on something for 10 minutes.  Usually, once I am started on doing the project, I won't stop, but I need that timer to FORCE me to do it. 

[carmel23]

There is nothing wrong with having a little down time, a little mental health break.  I often do the same thing, as soon as DH takes the kids out, I just veg!  I think it is good to allow this time, you will get to the other stuff, eventually. 

[mambera]

I have this issue too.  (I'm doing it right now lol!)  I think a lot of people do.  It's so easy to waste time.  For me it's not an issue of 'needing permission' for down-time because seriously, I will never stop taking down-time if I don't make a specific effort to do so.  I will waste endless amounts of time given the opportunity.

Something that helps me is keeping a list of all the things I need/want to do when I have a minute.  I have a little notebook with a running to-do list.  (Eg if you have an idea for a specific painting you want to make or a housekeeping chore, or whatever.)  Then when I actually do have some time to myself (DH calls it 'Mommy Time' when he takes DD for an outing lol) I look at the list and see which thing I feel like doing.

When I actually have a list of productive options to choose from, it's easier to pick one and get started, than if I'm just sitting around surfing the web and thinking I *should* be doing 'something productive.'

I like the timer idea too, maybe I will try that one.  Usually getting started is the biggest problem.

[*bejeweled*]

I make myself "Do Nothing" sometimes. It is so necessary for spiritual growth.

[ms.shell]

but i don't want to do too much of nothing, and i have recently discovered a trick to using lists.  I have always made to-do lists, but my focus was on making the lists, and too many things never got crossed off.  A couple of weeks ago, my sister shared with me how she does hers.  it sounds like such a silly thing, but this has revolutionized my productivity!

so the trick is, to change the focus to marking stuff off the list.  To do this, you break the list down into more items.  For example, before I would have just written "clean house," or "floors."  Or "make blue dress."  Now, instead of one big item on my list ("clean all floors"), I have many smaller tasks: "mop bathroom 1," "mop bathroom two," "sweep hallway," "vaccuum den," etc.  Or instead of "make blue dress," I might just put "cut out blue dress" on my list for today, and tomorrow put "sew blue dress bodice" or whatever.  It is easier to get motivated to do one small thing than a big task, but once i get going, it gets addictive crossing things off the list, and my momentum continues.  I think I have crossed every item off my list every day since starting to do this.

[*bejeweled*]

You should come check out our thread. It's cool. http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1293685/10-or-15-minute-sessions-of-cleaning-new-thread/880#post_16587766

[IwannaBanRN]

For me, it was a depression or self-esteem issue. I have to already be doing something when someone leaves the house, so I'm not sitting on my keester and THINKING about doing something. I read a quote from a therapist last night that made so much sense and gives me motivation to do things I feel I have no energy to do at the time that I'm thinking of doing it. "Self-esteem is not something that I need in order to be productive. It's being productive that gives me self-esteem."  -Willard F. Harley Jr., Ph.D 

If you can FORCE yourself to be doing something when you're being watched and know the reward of feeling accomplished afterwards, then you can do anything. Trust me. When I came back to my DH, the house was JUST as I'd left it when I had gone a few months before, only messier and just gross. Of course it wasn't my JOB to clean up after a slob that was depressed and overworked, but I needed to do it to feel accomplished.

[meemee]

crunchy i am coming to this a little late... 

what is the purpose of the couple of hours you get?

for you to get a break? to do your thing? 

or just so ds and dh are out and you can get something done?

i dont know about you but for me - a couple of hours is tooo short to do a me time AND be 'productive'.

during me time (when dd is not here with me i so enjoy being by myself - my friends dont get that is my fun time) i do what i want. no chores. no cleaning up - nothing of that. 

you have A LOT on your plate - your me time is doing whatever you want for that time - even it it is to sit on the couch and watch your toe nails grow. 

for me its a critical time - to recharge my batteries. it is more important than sleep. for the best of my family that time could be spent sitting on teh front porch waiting for that humming bird to appear at the hibiscus tree. there is soo much joy in just watching that bird come and to just enjoy its presence.

5 years ago (sheesh almost 6) i discovered the beauty of winter. all this time i hated winter coz i feel way too cold. oh my. it was amazing. i spent hours looking out of my window at the grey skies, the dew drops on bare branches or going for a walk on a cold wet grey day. i was seeing the world thru different eyes adn didnt want to miss it. 

i can totally relate to you about me time ALONE. btw i can achieve that even in a crowd. i dont always need peace and quiet or a lack of people. 

[crunchy_mommy]

The purpose of the time is so I can get the 'me time' that everyone says is essential (and I do feel I need it, at least in theory). I guess the problem is, I don't feel recharged & refreshed after spending time alone. I don't feel calm & happy. If I'm alone & doing something productive, then I will feel good, but those times I can't gear myself up to do anything (which is, um, all the time!!), I wind up feeling really depressed. I think you're right, meemee, that there just isn't enough time in 2-3 hours to both relax and be productive. Often by the end of a couple hours I am gearing up to do something, but that's when they walk back in the door. Maybe I just need a much longer stretch of time. Until I day-weaned DS a few weeks ago (we're now down to nursing only a few hours in the morning and once just before bed), he just needed me too frequently for me to spend much time away from him, but maybe now we can start experimenting with longer amounts of time, if I can convince DH. I guess I'm afraid, though, of how depressed I could potentially get by spending an entire day alone.

[meemee]

why dont you try out half a day. when its your sons' best time. daddy and he can go somewhere and have a picnic together while you take your time getting out of bed (after the nursing) and getting productive. 

maybe make a list before hand so you know what you'd like to achieve and see what happens. dont hold yourself to it. 

for me the key is starting. once i start i am very productive. but just starting is the key. that's when i call my friends to help - to just be there - otherwise the mess piles up and i get way overwhelmed. 

[IwannaBanRN]

What might help is putting one productive thing on a "list" and keep it at one thing until you complete it everyday for a week. (keeping the dishes out of the sink, vacuum everyday) that sort of thing. Then after 7 days of having that on your list, practice with two things, or throw a project on there that you'd like to do while your DH and DS are gone. Be doing the first task on the list when they are walking out the door, and then when you are done, just move on down the list. :) I did this with household chores after I got out of treatment for being super depressed. It was part of my release plan. It's a good way to become a better housekeeper and feel more accomplished, thus lifting your spirits a bit, as you're doing SOMETHING, ya know?

[llwr]

FlyLady has helped me quite a bit.  It's for keeping a house, really, but if your choice was to do something else, you could still apply the principles. 

Here are some of them:

Dress the part (she says lace-up shoes)

Use a timer to clean 15 minutes at a time.  Having a deadline makes you work fast and get it done.  When the timer goes off, stop and move to a different room.   Plus, you can do anything for 15 minutes.  It keeps me starting something instead of being lazy.  You could use the timer for how long to be online or watch TV if that was your relaxing choice. 

Here's one from David Allen on making lists:

Put your next action on the list rather than a broad topic.  As in "go to fabric store to buy fabic" rather than "make a dress for DD".  If you know where to start, it's a lot easier to get started. 

DH and I both watch the kids for each other on Saturdays so we get 2 hours of free time.  You sound just like him!  Lately he's been spending it being lazy (which is ok, it's your time use however you please), and then being upset about it and wanting to skip us having it altogether!

Figure out what you want to do before they leave, so you'll be ready to start.