What to do when you spouse says this - Page 2

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

Your son also doesn't deserve to be in that environment. I imagine it's taken a huge toll on him, and I would speculate that his issues (whatever they are) might be more related to having an unstable parent than anything else.

Hugs again.

I might speculate the same as well. I suffered bad PTSD after the birth of my son. I was not ok for a good 8 months, then got better. 2 years later I had a DD, and had no PTSD, and enjoyed my motherhood much more the second time around. Now my DS (who is now 6 and perfectly fine, healthy and happy) has been a little "off" - quirky, sensitive, would have done the EXACT same thing as a 3 yo in a bouncy castle. All the noise, movement, other kids would have frightened the heck out of him. My DD was the opposite. Now, maybe they would have been exactly the same regardless, but I do think it is realistic to assume my trauma and depression did take a toll on my loved one. It also drained my marriage, though that was also temporary. If you and your son are living in non-ending, permanent eggshells, that can not be a healthy place to be, in any way, shape or form. Do what you need to do to get you and your son out. 

[minkin03]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I'm wondering at what point it becomes appropriate for a parent to leave a mental ill partner and raise a child alone, rather than continuing year after year to attempt to build a functional life with someone who isn't capable of that.

Yes, for the most parts kids are better off when their parents stay married to each other. But we all know that isn't always the case -- mental illness that doesn't respond to intervention is one of those times that a child *might* be better off if the parents are not together.

Peace

I agree and very well put! If this has been an ongoing issue (haven't read the past posts by the pp) perhaps it is time for an ultimatum. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by AllisonR 

 I suffered bad PTSD after the birth of my son. I was not ok for a good 8 months, then got better. 2 years later I had a DD, and had no PTSD, and enjoyed my motherhood much more the second time around. Now my DS (who is now 6 and perfectly fine, healthy and happy) has been a little "off" - quirky, sensitive, would have done the EXACT same thing as a 3 yo in a bouncy castle. All the noise, movement, other kids would have frightened the heck out of him. My DD was the opposite. Now, maybe they would have been exactly the same regardless, but I do think it is realistic to assume my trauma and depression did take a toll on my loved one

My experience was the opposite. I was blissful after the birth of my first child, who is on the autism spectrum.

I had PPD after the birth of my second child, who is gifted, athletic, makes friends easy and is a joy to parent.

For me the PPD was made worse by the fact that my 2nd child screamed all the time as a baby, and that my older DDs SNs were becoming apparent.  

If a child actually is on the autism spectrum, it's not caused by the mother's state of mind. I'm sure the parents are seeing other flags or they wouldn't consider it a possibility, and it is difficult to go through all of that. I can see how mom not coping well to start with added to even mild special needs could be a complete disaster. I spent time in therapy coming to a place of peace about my child's SN.

I suspect that those who feel the child's only issues are mom haven't felt the earth shake under them because of their child's atypical development. The ugly truth is that raising a child on the spectrum lacks many of the joys of raising a neurtypical child, and those happy things are replaced with therapies, appointments, labels, and deep fears about the future. My DD doesn't have the same ability to connect with other people, even me, as most children. I cannot begin to express what it has meant throughout her life that she is so different in that way.

I feel compassion for the mom, who currently is unable to experience joy. For the dad, who has been trying to take care of her for years while also caring for their child and working. And for the child, who it sounds like is struggling a bit with life and has a mom who isn't able to really be there for him.

It's a deeply difficult situation, but blaming the mom isn't an answer.

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

My experience was the opposite. I was blissful after the birth of my first child, who is on the autism spectrum.

I had PPD after the birth of my second child, who is gifted, athletic, makes friends easy and is a joy to parent.

For me the PPD was made worse by the fact that my 2nd child screamed all the time as a baby, and that my older DDs SNs were becoming apparent.  

If a child actually is on the autism spectrum, it's not caused by the mother's state of mind. I'm sure the parents are seeing other flags or they wouldn't consider it a possibility, and it is difficult to go through all of that. I can see how mom not coping well to start with added to even mild special needs could be a complete disaster. I spent time in therapy coming to a place of peace about my child's SN.

I suspect that those who feel the child's only issues are mom haven't felt the earth shake under them because of their child's atypical development. The ugly truth is that raising a child on the spectrum lacks many of the joys of raising a neurtypical child, and those happy things are replaced with therapies, appointments, labels, and deep fears about the future. My DD doesn't have the same ability to connect with other people, even me, as most children. I cannot begin to express what it has meant throughout her life that she is so different in that way.

I feel compassion for the mom, who currently is unable to experience joy. For the dad, who has been trying to take care of her for years while also caring for their child and working. And for the child, who it sounds like is struggling a bit with life and has a mom who isn't able to really be there for him.

It's a deeply difficult situation, but blaming the mom isn't an answer.

I should have worded my reply more clearly. To clarify, I was most definitely not blaming the mother for the child having autism. For starters, we have no idea whether he even has autism. So far all the OP has detailed is that his 3 year old cried on a bouncy castle, which sounds exactly something my own slightly-shy-yet-neurotypical 3 year old would do. And if he is on the spectrum, I certainly don't think his mother is the cause. I don't believe for a nanosecond that autism is caused by parenting.

What I was trying to say was that if his mother is crippled with depression then it's possible that it's caused her son some stress.

ETA; OP, I hope you'll update and let us know how you're doing.

Edited by Snowflake777 - 8/2/11 at 4:21pm