Post-finalization - starting a new page & first mom name - Page 2

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 

I agree that this is soooo not about generosity.  It is about what is best for the child.  I was really comfortable with my daughter calling her birthmother 'mommy firstname."  But many social workers counseled us against it and it was written into our open adoption agreement (without our knowledge) that the birthmorther was never to refer to herself as mother.  Looking back, I am so glad I took the advice.  It was just the first of many times I had to put my foot down and be my daughter's advocate in her relationship with her birthmother.

I think in your DD's situation (with her attachment, and other, issues,) it's a good thing. But in my kids cases, they don't have the negative effects of their early lives. Neither of my kids uses the "Mommy/Daddy" labels with their birth parents but it wouldn't matter to me. I am their mother but I'm not the only one they ever had. DS's bio-grandmother is "Grandma" to both of my kids. It doesn't lessen the relationships they have with my parents and step-parents.When DS's birth mother calls and wants to talk to "her son" it catches me off guard but I know what she means. He'll always be her son. Our son.

[Mom31]

I did not mean to offend and looking at my post it could be seen as snarky. I just think no matter what the circumstance for the loss of the first parent some respect should be given for the sake of the child because.... that woman even if in your eyes was a less than great or horrific mother is their birth mother...

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

I did not mean to offend and looking at my post it could be seen as snarky. I just think no matter what the circumstance for the loss of the first parent some respect should be given for the sake of the child because.... that woman even if in your eyes was a less than great or horrific mother is their birth mother...

I think respect should be given, but how that respect manifests itself might differ between families. What im dealing with right now is a sense of entitlement from my dd's mom. I have asked for photos, i've gotten nothing. My dd has no pictures before a year ago...NONE! Thats HORRIBLE. I have always maintained contact with bmom, but its like...as long as she is getting what she wants, she's happy, but if you arent doing what she wants, she's not happy. I made up a FB page so she could see pics of the kids, and she had only a comment or two and they were all along the lines of "my daughter is so beautiful she looks just like me"...great. Her attachment issues are just like you too...wanna claim responsibility for her (likely) alcohol-related brain damage too? Or just her good looks? Its hard not to get irritated. I keep reminding myself, well i got the kids so she is hanging on to what she can, i can give her that.

She will always be "mom" to my dd, probably more than i ever will be. But to my son? She IS his first mother, birth mother, bio mother...but i dont think he'd like it if she tried to get him to call her "Mommy"...however if HE wanted to do that, i'd be fine with it (really!)...but if SHE was the one insisting, it would not sit well with me.

I dont think if an AP chooses not to encourage her toddler to use the term "Mommy" for the birthmom, that that necessarily means she doesnt respect the birthmom or the special relationship she will always have with the child.

[Smithie]

" I just think no matter what the circumstance for the loss of the first parent some respect should be given for the sake of the child because.... that woman even if in your eyes was a less than great or horrific mother is their birth mother..."

Totally agree. But that doesn't mean that you train a preverbal toddler you've raised since infancy to call his birth mother "Mommy." And that fact that she would even ask for that truly, IMO, shows that she lacks boundaries and self-perception and you need to be very, very careful to frame the ongoing contact in a way that will be good for YOUR family first and foremost.

Honest to Pete, this is one of the reasons I'm adopting an older child. He'll have another mom, she'll have a name, they'll have a history together. I don't have to choose to create or not create that relationship, I just have to accept it and embrace my "second-mom" role with a whole heart. 

[Mom31]

I am not talking about a first and second as in a competition. As you put it your second mom role. I don't use first mom per point taken.

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly 

One of my dd was born addicted to meth, given back then removed again, given back, removed again the last time when bio mom was smoking meth in the car with her in the car seat behind her while she drove. Showed up for 3 visits in 6 months (Only when she was in state ordered rehab and dd was taken to her) and never showed to court. So ya, I think referring to her as Mommy so and so is very generous. My other 2... Well one was traded for drugs if you get my point, the other has shaken baby. So referring to her as Mommy so and so is VERY VERY generous. Not every child is handed over lovingly at birth

Wow.  What a great start to life.  Ugh.   

I interpreted what a previous poster was saying is that by giving her Mommy So-and-So you are well, well, BEYOND generous.  The lady deserves a life of prison, not a mommy title!  

With that said, I agree that it doesn't really matter what we feel they deserve, it's what's best for the child.    My heart goes out to you, I'm caring for a drug baby so I'm especially sensitive to how absolutely unfathomable this is, even though it's a reality.  

Positive thoughts your way

[MommyKelly]

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

I did not mean to offend and looking at my post it could be seen as snarky. I just think no matter what the circumstance for the loss of the first parent some respect should be given for the sake of the child because.... that woman even if in your eyes was a less than great or horrific mother is their birth mother...

I agree, which is why *I* refer to them as Mommy so and so. My kids actually refer them by their 1st name only or not at all as they seem to prefer. But this is their birth Mother. She helped create them, and no matter what choices she made I feel that if I did something that may "lessen" her as a person that may make my children feel less because they are genetically part of her.

I actually blogged about this kinda awhile back and got a really nice comment from a adult that was taken into foster care as a child. She taught me a lot in her small comment.

http://busymommykelly.blogspot.com/2010/11/sorry-if-this-comes-off-rude.html

[Mom31]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly 

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

I did not mean to offend and looking at my post it could be seen as snarky. I just think no matter what the circumstance for the loss of the first parent some respect should be given for the sake of the child because.... that woman even if in your eyes was a less than great or horrific mother is their birth mother...

I agree, which is why *I* refer to them as Mommy so and so. My kids actually refer them by their 1st name only or not at all as they seem to prefer. But this is their birth Mother. She helped create them, and no matter what choices she made I feel that if I did something that may "lessen" her as a person that may make my children feel less because they are genetically part of her.

I appreciate your comment so much!. . I know for me when people talked down about my birth mom or really any "poor person, drug addict, etc" I felt personally insulted and confused and hurt. 

I love your blog and bookmarked it. Thanks for writing !!!

I love hearing from adoptive moms and see such hope for their kids. I hope I can pop in to take part in discussions and not step on toes or hurt feelings. Adoption is near and dear to my heart and I like to hear what adoptive moms have to say... it's like the missing piece of a puzzle for me since my own mom will not honestly talk about it with me.  Hugs mama.

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Like Emilie2, I too felt in some way shamed by the comments people made about my mother.  After all, I came from her, and it's not my fault that she got involved in drugs and alcohol, but that doesnt' change that it somehow felt like a reflection on me as a person when people made negative comments about her.

My guardian mom used to call her things like 'an egg donor' and would tell me that my egg donor chose drugs over me.  She was hoping to instill hatred for her, but really all it did was confuse me and make me feel unwanted. 

My guardian dad however wouldn't make a big deal out of anything and just went with the flow.  He didn't go out of his way to tell everyone what a horrid person she was, and when asked, he would simply say that we're all human and that everyone makes mistakes.  Maybe she didn't deserve that respect at the time, but it helped me a great deal, and as I got older, it also helped me come to terms with it and not feel like a monster when I made my own mistakes.

[MommyKelly]

My own mother would put down my Father while I was growing up. It only made me think less of her, or very often myself, since I looked just like him. I will not lie. I have a lot of hurt and anger I am working on moving past with my kiddos birth Moms. But I do not let them see it. I even took one of my dd for a visit last year with her birth mom and 1/2 sib. I also email pictures for all major events. I dont normally hear back, but I like to think that birth Mom likes to get them. I only have contact with one birth Mom (not my choice, I wanted open adoptions) and it normally comes in rambling emails all in caps sent in the middle of the night about once maybe twice a year at best. But I always reply and I am always kind. And I for sure always keep them both in my prayers that they can get healthy one day and be a positive part of our children's lives.

In the big picture it is not about me, or birth mom or drugs or anything other then the kids growing up to have self esteem, and a  bright future :) 

[Mom31]

that's good thinking.