Could use some advice

[Katie T]

My DD is 11yo. She was a wonderful little kid and then was molested and everything has changed. I don't want to blame her behavior on that but it might be relevlant to what is going on so included it. 

Today while I was at work she cut her 3yo sisters hair with nail clippers and then before I even got in the door (she met me at the van) to tell me about it and told me not to tell her dad. She had almost a smirk on her face. She knows better. I took her phone and DS away and made her help me put groceries away. I was furious simply because at 11, seriously?!

I talked with her about the voice in her head telling her not to do it and she said she didn't know if there was one. I said so there was nothing telling you you shouldn't do this? She said yes there was. I told her that is your brain telling you not to do this and you need to listen to it. I asked her why she did it and she said I don't know.

I am seriously at a loss as what to do. I did thank her for telling me. I wonder if she is testing the water thinking if she tells me she won't get in trouble. I don't want to to continue making bad choices but I also don't want her to NOT tell me.

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks

[Dar]

Aww... that's rough. I will say that 11-12 is, IME, an absolutely miserable age for girls - and for their moms. Hormones go crazy and it really is like they just... don't... think. Also, as she starts to mature physically and sexually, I wonder if that might trigger some of the molestation issues.

So, no real advice, except that in a few years it'll probably be better. I kind of treat girls that age like they have a low-grade illness all the time.... honestly, I think the hormonal chaos is similar. With your daughter, though, I might want to contact a therapist just to be sure that her previous traumas aren't seriously influencing her current difficulties.

[whatsnextmom]

Sorry to here about her situation. It's so unfair. I do hope she's getting some counselling. If not, I'd certainly consider it. She needs to work this stuff out as really, the acting out is very common and even expected even years later. I've worked with several molestation cases and they often do things you don't understand or that are cruel to younger children. It's all about them trying to come to terms with what happened to them.

Truely, professional help is the first route I'd take.

[Katie T]

She has had therapy for it. She just "graduated" from it 7 months ago. I worry that she will need ongoing for her whole life and it is a 2 hour round trip to the only female therapist "near" us. : (

I hope you are right Dar and that it will get better as her hormones calm down. They have been raging for over a yr now. : ( I feel bad that I don't enjoy her like I used to as much as I try to do fun things with her. 

Her therapist did say that her sexual organs have been "turned on" not in the sexual way but in a curious way. 

I just don't know what to do about her strange behaviors. : (

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Dar 
 I kind of treat girls that age like they have a low-grade illness all the time.... honestly, I think the hormonal chaos is similar.

I had a therapist tell me that it's hard to tell when 12 year olds girls have an actual mental illness because all the symptoms of bi-polar occur in completely normal adolescent girls.

I think that wacking on a younger sibs hair might be an age appropriate behavior. Unacceptable, yes. Something to get truly freaked out over, no. Could you keep your 11 year old better supervised and not leave her as a sitter? I don't think she sounds ready for that responsibility. There's a lot of behavior that "kids know better than" when they are little that they try out as they get older. It's annoying.

On the therapy front, I was sexually assaulted as a child. I think it's wonderful that you DD has you for a mother, and that you've been getting her help and support. She may have different issues come up at different times throughout her life -- puberty is the first one, then starting to date,  eventually having kids, and even her own child reaching the age when she was assaulted. She made benefit from extra help and support during those life transitions.  

Would it be possible to have her check in with her therapist once a month for a while? Being active with a therapist doesn't have to mean going every week. It can mean whatever you think it needs to -- from going once a month to just checking in every 6 months.

But again, I don't know that cutting her sibs hair means anything is truly wrong with her. She's 11.   That's enough to explain poor decision making skills.

[onlyzombiecat]

My 11 year old who has no abuse history might do and say the same thing.  She really does not think things through and does things even if she knows not to do them. I suppose it is a time of testing.

I don't really have advice but wanted to add that I don't think it is that abnormal behavior for the age.

[Katie T]

I am glad to here she is not the only 11yo who would/did do something like this. 

She wasn't babysitting. I don't feel she is mature enough (or old enough lol) for that. They were with their dad/my DH. Her and her sister were up stairs in her room and DS and DH were downstairs in the living room. 

I think I will call and check in with her therapist. Thanks for the support everyone. : )

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Katie T 

They were with their dad/my DH. Her and her sister were up stairs in her room and DS and DH were downstairs in the living room. 

Maybe dad needs to check up on what she is doing a little more often.

I don't really get it though. If she cut her sister's hair enough that it mattered, then wouldn't dad notice next time he saw her? Why bother attempting to keep it a secret? (though I did have to point out to my 14 year old this year that if she is applied more eye make up after leaving the house on School Picture Day, I would know it when I saw the pictures, so who knows)

If little sis was upset about the whole thing, then wouldn't she say something to you or dad?

On the other hand, I think situations that leave parents wondering what on earth the child was thinking are reasonably common at this age.

[Katie T]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Maybe dad needs to check up on what she is doing a little more often.

I don't really get it though. If she cut her sister's hair enough that it mattered, then wouldn't dad notice next time he saw her? Why bother attempting to keep it a secret? (though I did have to point out to my 14 year old this year that if she is applied more eye make up after leaving the house on School Picture Day, I would know it when I saw the pictures, so who knows)

If little sis was upset about the whole thing, then wouldn't she say something to you or dad?

On the other hand, I think situations that leave parents wondering what on earth the child was thinking are reasonably common at this age.

DD1 told me it happened like this. She asked her dad for a snack (it was almost 6 and I was bringing dinner home they had a snack at 3ish) and he said no mom is almost home with dinner. Her and DD2 went upstairs to play and I was there within 15 min (per DD1 so could be a little off) and we wouldn't have noticed right away because DD2 has wavy hair that tangles easily so unless it is up it is a mess. So there was no time between when it was done and before she told us. I wouldn't have noticed until I brushed DD2 hair. DD2 didn't even seem to mind. And I don't go check in less than 15 min so I don't blame DH. 

The waves of DD2 hair hides the inch she took off it is not the cut that matters it is the fact that she did it. : (

Maybe I just don't get what is appropriate for a child this age.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Katie T 
Maybe I just don't get what is appropriate for a child this age.

well, I don't know that it's every really appropriate to cut another person's hair with nail clippers, BUT I don't think it's a red flag that something is really wrong with your DD. It seems like a normal sort of inappropriate behavior.

Isn't that what "age appropriate" kinda means? Not desirable, but within the range of normal?

[Kirsten]

I was a "normal" kid/had a "normal" early childhood, and cut my younger brother's hair when I was 11 and he was 3.  I was not an impulsive kid - was actually the super responsible and rule following firstborn.  He just looked like he needed a haircut, I was bored, and how hard could it be to give him a little trim?  I wish I had a picture 'cause I remember thinking I'd done a pretty good job!  My mom was super mad though.  I wouldn't read anything into the haircut at all.   

[CarrieMF]

I had a therapist tell me that it's hard to tell when 12 year olds girls have an actual mental illness because all the symptoms of bi-polar occur in completely normal adolescent girls.

My oldest is going to be 13 in November. I completely agree with this.

Honestly the only abnormal thing that I think happened is that she used nail clippers & not scissors.