4 1/2 year old tantrums

[mariskamom]

My daughter just turned 4 1/2.  She's always had a little bit of a short fuse but this past week, she is crying and screaming about everything!  We've both had a little cold which could account for some of it, but I am really beside myself.  I don't even know how to respond anymore - comfort her and try to talk about it or give myself a time out.  I don't make her do timeouts but I suggest that she go to her room to calm down and she usually goes.  She has had phases like this before that have lasted a few weeks. 

Please! Any advice/support appreciated!

[Neera]

I have a 4 1/2 yr old  too. Once the tantrums started probably around 2 they haven't stopped. My only advice is hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

Edited by Neera - 8/1/11 at 11:00am

[sarahr]

I just posted something similar about my dd, who is almost 5. No advice, but you're not alone.

[SweetSilver]

Honestly, my when my dd was 4 she started having rages and tantrums and meltdowns.  There was a pattern-- an attempt at high energy play, then something happens (often little from a parental point of view) then BAM! rage then meltdown on the couch begging for stories.  A year later only by accident did we finally tie it to a new wheat allergy.  She has other allergies, and she was retested at a follow-up visit and wheat was suddenly huge.  I still didn't connect her behavior with the allergy until we eliminated it (and-- whoops!-- it snuck back in).

     I'm not saying that from this one behavior you can assume it's an allergy (we sure didn't) but it's something to tuck back in your mind as you are looking for causes and solutions.  I've heard my story repeated by others.  Sure wish I would have heard it sooner!  That was a bummer of a year...

[swd12422]

I was going to say look for a pattern, too. Is there a change in sleep pattern (like a dropped nap or different bed time/sleep duration at night)? Is there a change in diet (food sensitivity or allergy)? Is there a change in activity level? I know my mood changes with the seasons. I HATE summer and am miserable for most of it. General crankiness can lead to explosive meltdowns where normally there wouldn't be anything but a bit of upset.

I would give her some extra hugs when things are calm, and ask her after a tantrum if she wants to talk about it. I taught DS when he was tiny to take some deep breaths to help himself calm down. Maybe that would help her if she does something when she's upset? I tell DS, "I see you're upset. Do you want to take some deep breaths to calm down, or do you feel like being alone in your room for a bit?" Sometimes he gets angry, and that's the "room" answer. But sometimes he takes breaths and asks me to do them with him, and it seems to help end things a little sooner.

[kayleesmom]

my duaghter is having tantrums still you arent alone sending huge hugs.

[LynnS6]

It sounds to me like you're handling it well -- the one thing I might recommend is less talk during the tantrum. But if she goes to her room when you suggest it and you offer a hug and some comfort when she comes back, then you're doing well.

I think it's important for you to remember that this is not about you -- it's about her and her development. As kids develop, they go through periods of disequilibrium where they're reorganizing their bodies, their understanding of the world, or their internal abilities. If you add hunger, tiredness, frustration, illness or something else stressful, they're going to have a very short fuse during these periods. Some kids also have a more volatile personality (like my dd). Your job is to model good self regulation (like you're doing with giving her a timeout), help her talk about her emotions when she's in a spot to talk, help her find things that regulate herself (like going to her room, hugging a stuffed animal, putting on some music), and to ride it out. But it's not your job to fix it. You can't.

So for you, the thing to look at is: why do you find these tantrums so stressful? What's it triggering in you? How can you learn to deal with your own emotions and help her at the same time. If you've got a child prone to tantrums (and honestly, it sounds like she's pretty mild), it can be very frustrating because they're out of control and all you want them to do is stop. But this isn't something that she'll necessarily learn in a week or two - it might be months, or as in the case of our daughter, years.