talking about negative emotions

[sarahr]

My dd is starting a new school in the fall (in one month!). She says she's very excited, eagerly looks at pictures/letters that the school has sent in the mail. But she is slow to warm up to other kids -- yesterday we had a playdate at the school's playground and she would not/could not engage with the other kids, and just played with her baby brother.

I want to give her words to express fear/nervousness/etc., but don't want to put ideas in her head. Last night I asked her if she was excited or a little bit nervous, and she said excited. Anything else I can do to help her talk about mixed emotions?

[PhillyMama]

I wonder if your local librarian would be able to recommend some relevant books you could read to your DD in the weeks before school starts?

Perhaps reading some books about other children's anxieties will help her to open up about her own?

Good luck!  Sometimes our little one's deeper feelings are hard to reach - she may not even be able to express how she feels sufficiently.   

[meemee]

are you concerned as to how you'd like her to express her feelings at school.

many kids even at 5 are not very good at identifying feelings. they might throw tantrums but they may not be able to tell you if they are angry or sad. 

one thing that dd did was ask for space from the children. she is v. sensitive and gets her feelings hurt v. easily and at 5 at school she'd ask for 'body bubble space'. 

at home maybe you can role play to have her show you how her day went if she struggles to find the words.

at school she could maybe just say she wants to play by herself or be alone if that is her preference. i would not try to encourage her to do stuff she wasnt interested in.

also remember the first month of school is hard on many kids. they take a while to settle down. she might be throwing more tantrums and more tired and emotional than usual. i am assuming she is starting K. 

[sarahr]

I'm not at all worried about her behavior at school. I mean, I hope she's happy and that she makes friends, but that's not really my primary worry. Right now, what I'm worried about is that she IS nervous (who wouldn't be?) but keeping it bottled in because she doesn't want to/know how to talk about it. I want to show her/teach her how to talk about it, without assuming I know already what she's feeling.

She's been having a lot of meltdowns/tantrums recently, and I wonder if verbalizing whatever she's feeling would help. This morning she totally melted down when I told her that I put all of a mango in her lunch box, saying that it was too much for her to eat. That couldn't possibly be what was REALLY bothering her.

[MomtoDandJ]

I used worksheets that talk about emotions with my child to get him talking about different emotions.  This one was worksheets for identifying and discussing feelings and this one was worksheets for identifying different emotions.  I linked to the ones I used and the illustrations are really nice for kids and vague enough that they support a bunch of different emotion words -- like sad, unhappy, disappointed, etc.  We also read books and talk about how different characters feel different ways.  The worksheets and books seemed to help expand his "emotion vocabulary."

[meemee]

Originally Posted by sarahr 

She's been having a lot of meltdowns/tantrums recently, and I wonder if verbalizing whatever she's feeling would help.

i think this is a little early to expect this. at 5 its still very hard for them to verballise what they are feeling. its also very hard for them to talk about it. dd is very articulate and even at 5 she still struggled to express herself even though she had the words and knew her emotions very well. 

like she said today after a hard time (first one this summer) 'mama when i am in pain even a little more pain seems like too much. i cant bear it.' 

i really think you need to trust that she will find the words to express herself like 'a 5 year old once said i feel like a trapped butterfly caught in the branches trying to be free. why does he not understand his words are like the branches for me.' she does not need to identify the emotions to be able to voice herself. and i myself cant name that emotion for her you know. its beyond anger and frustration and sadness. 

i am not telling you dont give her the words. you as a mother listen to your guts and do what you have to. i am more concerned about your expectations and i want you to just be aware that armed with the right words may not mean she will be able to express herself better. 

do you know when seh gets her physical growth spurts. dd and her friend get it over summer and right before the jump (they grow inches in a week) for a few weeks they are terrible. 

5 is a really hard age. one of the hardest teenagers tell me who remember their 5s. i remember i had to have a different strategy at 5 than at 4. while 4 was more me guiding her about what was acceptable, 5 was more about me being there for her till seh got over her tantrum. while dd's friend got sad and upset, dd mostly got very frustrated and angry. 

one thing i did though was when I had enough i expressed that to dd. of course not in the middle of a full blown out tantrum - but more as a warning to i've had a bad day today and be careful because i might yell at you if you are not careful around me. 

it was after the 5s that dd started going on her own time outs. its coz one of the things i had worked with her was on the impact of words and that sometimes words can be way more powerful than a slap. yeah it took many repeatitions. 

i wonder if you yourself are evolving as a parent. how to parent a 5 year old and up is so much different than the early years. the key is you have to find your groove between ur dd and you. now its more of a negotiation than it was before (perhaps negotiations is not the best word?