CU...Wuh!?

[CestSiBon]

I've never heard of this before, except when it's an accident of course. Anyways, I'm glad to have stumbled onto this site, and maybe can get some 'WWYD' advice?

I'm 26wks pregnant (1st time) and have a midwife (for a home birth) who I am less than thrilled with. I also live pretty much smack dab in the middle of nowhere, and she is the only one I can seem to find within two hours, and not for lack of searching!

Long story short, I really don't connect with her at all, she's been pretty rude to me on more than one occasion, sometimes when all I'm trying to do is ask questions ("I expect my clients to do their own research", blah blah). She's even threatened to refuse my care at one point. I really don't like her and I know I'm going to feel uncomfortable with her in the room while I'm trying to labor. I woke up one night (to pee of course) to find my husband not being able to sleep. He said he was worried. He was questioning her ability and 'level of intelligence'. Up until then I thought it was just me. Most importantly, I really don't trust her. My fear is that she will rush into some kind of intervention that I don't want and I won't be able to do anything.

I've been so worried and overwelmed lately because I don't know what to do. I don't even want her there. I informed my husband that if she was bothering me or I didn't feel comfortable in labor that he was going to have to help kick her out of the room. He's more than fine with it and added, 'So why are we even paying her? Why can't we do it ourselves?' I thought the same thing, but didn't know people actually did that. I feel like I'm a little too late in the game to even consider UC.

So, WWYD?
Should I just continue and kick her out if I need to? Learn about UC and fire her if I think we can do it? Call her 'too late'?

Any advice would be helpful!

[JessimaTheisen]

I know where you are coming from, ma'am. I had a similar experience with this pregnancy (negative feelings of distrust toward my mw, moved to a rural area where there are no options) and was led to the decision to UC. I continued prenatal care with her as I had no desire to UP (unassisted pregnancy) and it turns out that she is pretty cool after all. But once I decided to UC, I began to feel more in control of my pregnancy and less dependent on her care. Also, knowing that she will not be present at my son's birth helped me to relax and not be so harsh in my judgement of her.

Anyways, it is in no way too late for you and your husband to make the choice to birth your child unassisted. It sounds like he is already open to it, which is a really good sign! These forums are a great resource for information about UC and Laura Shanely's website is very inspirational. I have gained a lot of confidence in my decision through talking with other UCers on a personal level about their experiences. I am currently 31 weeks along with my first child and I would be happy to talk with you throughout the next couple of months and share my journey.
 

Back to what to do with your midwife... I chose to keep mine on for prenatal care and as "insurance" in a way. For one, I would like to have the option to change my mind at the last minute, (not that I think I will at all, but just in case I do) I would definitely not want my only choices to be UC or hospital. Another reason to keep your midwife is in case you want to pull the whole "Oops!" UC thing, which it seems is pretty popular due to lack of family support for the idea. It would be a lot more obvious than it was intentional if you do not have a midwife at all. It could also keep matters less complicated as far as the after-birth plan-- If you keep her but call her "too late" then she would still do your postpartum care for you, check your baby over and be an official name to put down on any paperwork necessary to obtain a birth certificate and whatnot. I can't stand the thought of taking my healthy UCed newborn or freshly postpartum booty into a hospital for routine checks/care and the questions from hospital staff which might ensue. I have chosen to keep my UC on the down-low because I have heard too many CPS stories and stuff like that. UC is not illegal, but many people seem to think that it should be and will call the authorities if they hear about parents choosing to birth unassisted. Everything from concerned family members calling 911 if they know that a UC mama is in labor, to hospital staff contacting CPS (who is required to investigate every call) because a woman mentioned her UC, to busybodies in a playgroup contacting CPS, etc. I feel that by having a midwife on staff and pulling the "Oops" bit, I can avoid any serious possibility of such problems.

Hopes this helps!

[mama2mad]

I was almost 28wks before UC became the final decision. You still have time to prepare

[CestSiBon]

Jessima- When you decided, did you inform your midwife of your decision? Or are you going to call her 'late'?

I think the "oops" seems the best way to go for us, I just don't know if I should inform her or not (tell her we'll only call her if we need her). I don't know her near well enough to know how she would take it.

[MeesterMama]

I was 33 weeks the first time I decided I wanted to UC. There is plenty of time to get prepared and research and educate yourself!

[Kidzaplenty]

I would never pay someone I was unsure of.  If you don't trust her, fire her.  Then decide what you would like to do from that point on.

[amandasemele]

I am going through the same thing! I am 24.5 weeks and just decided on uc. You have plenty of time. I have a dear friend who is a midwife that will be there. However she will be outside or in another room until after the birth. We are still doing it on our own. I personally would not pay for someone whos services you don't want. If you are uncomfortable with her it can hinder your birth progress. Good Luck!

[CestSiBon]

My concern is: what if something goes wrong? Can I prepare myself to know all the things that can go wrong in three months, and what to do? Then wouldn't it be either her help or the hospital?

Don't get me wrong, I would love to not have to pay her, especially because money is so tight right now.

[JessimaTheisen]

Cest, I absolutely did NOT inform my midwife of my decision to UC. In fact, the only people I have told about our choice has been the family members that we live with (it would be very difficult to do without their approval, obviously... and my FIL actually brought it up first, in the same way your DH did "Why can't we just do it ourselves?"), other UCers, and my very close friends who I knew for a fact would not have an issue with it. It is a wise thing to keep quiet. Sharing your choice to UC with your MW would undoubtedly open a whole huge, ugly can of worms which might lead to her trying to stop you as well as refusing you care. As I have said, she is perhaps not the only person you would want to avoid telling, either.

Of course, I would also advise you to fire someone you were unhappy with... but I understand your situation with a total lack of alternative midwives, as I am in the same boat. So, it looks as if your only choices are 1) UC without backup options 2) UC with this MW as backup option 3) let this midwife deliver your baby or 4) deliver in a hospital. It sounds like you share my feelings of not wanting the only choice at the last minute to be between UC or hospital. Of course, if something goes wrong, you should go to the hospital and not just call the midwife. I am more talking about the MW as an alternative choice at the last minute if you decide all of the sudden that you are not comfortable doing it alone and would rather have a MW present. However, I do get it about money being tight and it being a wonderful thought to not have to pay that midwife, as they are quite expensive. Are you comfortable with UP as well as UC? If you find yourself positively confident about both, then absolutely fire the b****! But if you desire prenatal care throughout your last trimester, you must keep her around-- I'm sure that she would charge less than an OB/GYN and you would most likely be more comfortable with a MW in your own home, no matter who it is.

As to whether you have time to prepare... YES!!! You have plenty of time! Perhaps you can order Hearts & Hands, the midwifery textbook, to study. My husband has read through it and is familiar now with many issues which could arise and how to handle them. My main resource has been this forum, actually, and I feel very well prepared to be able to tell if something went wrong. I started with the oldest posts on this forum and just worked my way through them all, reading anything that seemed like useful information. I know that the women on here are not "professionals" but they are experienced and there is enough variation in opinion to be discriminating about the information I choose to accept and store away.

[CestSiBon]

I think we'll just have her stick around, but definitely plan on not calling her for the labor. We've already paid a non-refundable deposit anyways, and it will be good to have a backup just in case and someone to file for the birth certificate.

Jessima- So what do you plan to tell her (MW) after the babe is born? My midwife had told me to call her at the first sign of labor to assess the situation. I'm wondering if my husband should call her after they're born and say 'she's started to labor, and it's progressing quickly' or 'it went really quickly, they're already here'

Thanks for the info, we will definitely start preparing!

[JessimaTheisen]

Cest, I plan to tell her that I am having a lot of BH contractions in the month leading up to the EDD. Then whenever he comes, I am going to say that the contractions were not regular and I thought they were just more BH. I am going to tell her that by the time I realized that it was for real, I was in transition and birth was immanent. A little elaborate setting it all up ahead of time, but it seems like it will be more plausible that way. Some women really do have crazy fast labor/deliveries, so why couldn't you or I?

[CestSiBon]

Oh, that's good! I may have to borrow that line when you're done with it!

[IwannaBanRN]

Learn about UC now. You already PLANNED the homebirth, so all you need to do is research conditions that would force you to go to hospital, get necessary supplies to do it yourself,(ie. cord clamp, scissors to cut cord, pads, sterile gloves, a disposable drop cloth if you want to birth out of water, etc). You don't HAVE to have her there if you give yourself the power of knowledge. It's not too late. I'm 24 weeks 3 days, so just barely 2 weeks behind you. It's definitely possible to do this without her. Good luck in whatever you decide!