The pressure of "good parenting"

[anjsmama]

And good eating, sleeping, mindfulness, and you know, everything else. I am feeling ready to crack under the pressure right now.

Do you ever wish you could just go back and un-know what you know? I guess I don't REALLY wish that, for the health of my family, but ignorance was sort of blissful. It wasn't so long ago (maybe 2.5 years?) that I knew virtually nothing about AP or NFL. My life was easy and my family was very, very happy. DS was bottle fed, I worked part time (because we needed the money), we had a TON of friend and family support.....

Since then, DS & I were diagnosed Celiac and switched to GF. DD arrived. We moved to a new city where we know absolutely no one (friend/family count = zero) for DH's new career. I'm a SAHM. We eat and live organic. We co-sleep part time. I nurse DD exclusively. I wear her pretty much everywhere. We recycle ... (I mean seriously, you get the point)... 

And all of that is stuff that I WANT, that is IMPORTANT to me, but it is WEARING ME OUT. I seriously am so tired that I can't sleep. The kids and DH sleep like babies 9 hours a night while Mama stares at the ceiling practically twitching from all the stress.....

For several months there was nothing in my life that was about me at all. Not one thing. I don't get to read at all anymore. I haven't been alone for more than 5 seconds in 3 years. Finally I started training for a half marathon JUST to get out of the house. And that I do love... but let's be honest, running several miles in 90 degree weather isn't exactly a "break" either. And now race day is almost here and I'll be cutting back on my training and I'm panicking... it's the only thing I have that resembles a life outside of wife/momhood. 

I can think of so many ways I could just make things "easier" (and cheaper!) for us, but every time I get around to considering them, I make the same decision. I can't sacrifice things that are important to the family's well being just for a break. The three of them are so happy, it's obvious all of this is working so well for them... but I just feel like crying. Yikes, this turned into one long vent, but I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way? And how do you cope?

[mommy212]

Sometimes I wish I could unlearn things too, but more often my wish sounds more like, I wish all food was just healthy and whatnot and it didn't matter what i fed them, it was all good stuff. If it is too much though, try to make things easier on yourself- I don't know how old your dd is, but maybe you can start using a stroller part time or putting her in the grocery cart seat or something. Little things like that. What exactly stresses you out so much? I don't think it's very good for your family if you are headed towardds a nervous breakdown or something and probably radiate stress. Maybe dh can help out more with mommy breaks and doing the things that are important like cooking, shopping, recycling, babywearing, breaks on the weekend or something. 

[dogretro]

You need to go to http://www.meetup.com immediately and search for an attachment parenting group in your area.  IDK where in Ohio you live, but there are attachment/holistic moms' groups in your state.  The whole point of meetup.com is to actually meet people face-to-face, not just on a chat board.  I am a member of two great groups in my city & have met TONS of like-minded mothers thru them.  It sounds like you could desperately use some coffee & playgroup time with other mothers. 

[meemee]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

I can't sacrifice things that are important to the family's well being just for a break. 

??????????

are you not part of the family? dont your needs matter? a break is not a luxury fluffy thing. it is a necessity. it is as important as all the other things you put on the list. 

you are doing a disservice to your kids if you dont eek out time for yourself. your half marathon training will be over. that's great that you took time out to do that. now that its going to be over dont change things. instead of training for a half marathon take a yoga class or jewelry making class or even just take that time and spend at the library. whatever but keep your break. 

when i didnt get a break, i just had to accept that and live with it. i figured out how to meet my needs while caring for my dd.

once teh breaks started coming and i got over the pain of missing dd, i enjoyed that time to myself. 

you are the cement that ties the family together. dont underestimate your self worth. your needs are important and breaks for you are as essential as not CIO or GD for the kids. 

[pianojazzgirl]

I agree with meemee 100%.  Just because you are cutting back on your training right now doesn't mean you should cut back on taking time for yourself.  Nor should you feel like you have to be doing something big/special/productive (like training for a half-marathon) to take that time.  I think you have recognized that you need time to yourself, but you feel guilty taking it.  Eliminate the guilt!!!  Having "me time" is crucial to your (and by extension your family's) well-being.  You sound stressed out and overwhelmed, and that doesn't help anyone.  I would argue that a centered, non-stressed mama is much more valuable than using organic unbleached cotton diapers, having every meal be cooked-from-scratch-organic, never using a stroller, etc, etc. 

[Linda on the move]

According to your signature, you had a baby in January. Going from one kid to two can be a heck of a change. Even without the other changes, that one tiny change could cause all the feelings you have. And it's hard to admit that we found it easier to be a balanced person with fewer children.

Second, when did you'll move? We've moved a lot for DH's job, and it takes me about a year to really settle in. It's harder with an infant or pregnant, and moving close to the birth of a child puts you at higher risk for PPD.

I think that some of the stresses on you don't have anything to do with AP/NFL.

Last, you really don't have to do every single little thing on the AP/NFL checklist to be a good mom or a good person. Perfectionism doesn't make anybody happy, and there isn't some AP/NFL living heaven that you get to go to if you get enough stuff right. 

For me, how I treat the people in my family was the higher priority, and things (even recycling them) was a lower level.

Since you really love working out, once your half marathon is over, why don't you find another way to work out -- a gym with child care, or a yoga studio when your DH is home to watch the kids, or whatever sounds FUN to you. (If I could go back to when my kids were small and change one thing, I would figure out how to take a little time for myself)

Also, see if there is anything in your life that you could PAY someone else to do. For the first year of my second child's life, we had someone come in to clean the house every other week. We couldn't afford every week, but every other week was a sanity saver for me. It really was a mental health item.

[Adaline'sMama]

I second looking for some AP groups or just playgroups of like minded moms. Also, you CAN sacrifice things so that you can have a break. You are not last in line for happiness in that family

[LuxPerpetua]

HUGS!

We have moved a lot with our family and live thousands of miles away from extended family (well, all except my parents).  Being so far away from family is so difficult, and that combined with the stresses of everyday living, plus a new baby, new job ... I'm not surprised you're overwhelmed!

Quite honestly, I feel overwhelmed a lot myself at times.  I have one child but she has always been high needs.  Things that have helped me:  One activity a week that is for ME.  Right now this is a Bible study group.  It doesn't have to be your favorite thing or what you would choose to do if you could pick anything in the world--it just needs to be SOMEthing.  Given my choice, I would love to do a choral group, but I haven't been able to work out one that meets at a time when I can be there so I went with plan B.  Try and have 1/2 an hour a day to mentally rest.  For me, that's reading.  After dd goes to sleep, I take about 1.5 hours--1 of which is to do work, the other .5 of which is for me to relax.  Maybe a weekly routine of a 1-hour soak in the bath with hubby caring for the kids???  You NEED to recharge.  You really do.

Another thing that has been helpful is really examining everything I feel like we NEED because sometimes the amount of time each one takes is too much for the benefit, you know?  I have set my goal at 90% home-cooked, from scratch food.  I do a lot of cooking, but not every day.  I cook a lot on Mondays and we reheat whatever I make for 2 or 3 more dinners later in the week.  Tonight?  We're having frozen-breaded chicken breasts that I'm going to bake and cover with jarred tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese, along with roasted carrots and fruit.  Not everything has to be homemade or organic or whatever.  When you stop enjoying life, then life is really pointless.  I would much rather have us eat deli meat sandwiches and cereal (or--gasp!--a cheeseburger from McDonald's) than to have me panicking about never getting a break.  Perspective helps me a lot.  I grew up on really junky sort of food.  And you know what?  I have no health problems at all.  My mother grew up eating tons of homegrown vegetables but with parents who made life extremely bleak and stressful, and despite her excellent diet she and all of her siblings are very maladjusted.  In the end, I think they would have been better off eating junk food and having more fun than stressing and eating tons of tomatoes.   I know that you and your child have to be on a special diet, and even if you weren't I'm not advocating living on junk, but rather my point is just that it is important to identify the things that you really MUST do for the health AND happiness of your family, and things you can let slide when life gets stressful.  Emotional health, I think, is a critical link to overall physical health.

Waldorf has also been a huge help to me.  Learning about daily/weekly rhythms.  Mindfully slowing down.  Engaging in therapeutic arts, like cooking, baking, painting, gardening, singing, sculpting, etc.  None of these are a must-do checklist, but rather tools to living a more enriching life.  AP is like that too.  Also, a lot of people who hold the philosophies of NFL and AP don't meet every part of the checklist either.  We don't eat organic, we don't recycle all the time because it is really difficult where we live, we don't make our own clothes, we don't drink raw milk, we used disposable diapers, etc.  However, we do make other choices that are healthy for us and the planet--such as driving only one small car, living in an apartment (which we LOVE), walking a lot, growing vegetables, child-led breastfeeding and weaning, co-sleeping, homeschooling, choosing to have only one child, etc.  We take the things that we can do and we do them.  We COULD eat organic but to do so would mean that we would give less money to charity.  (We actually give away a large percent of our income--I'm not saying this in anyway to boast but rather to say that this is priority for us.)  Maybe you and dh could sit down and make a list of your financial and emotional priorities and go from there.  You can't do everything.  No one can.  Find the things that you CAN do easily and with joy and do them.  The rest?  Put them on the backburner.  You may get to them eventually--your kids are really young--or maybe not at all if your priorities shift.  Never, ever stop enjoying life, though, because there is no guarantee that you'll get to see another sunset if you miss this one.  I'm a perfectionist so letting go of not doing EVERYTHING perfectly is difficult for me, but it is essential.  It sounds like it is for you, too!

Wishing you peace!

[CrunchyMama19]

Motherhood does not equal martyrdom! I heard a great quote once (forget the source) but it went something like "If you love your kids, take care of their mother". Being NFL, AP or whatever does not mean you have to totally empty yourself to the point of having nothing left. I feel kids do better when mom is happy and still has her own thing. Mine also, happens to be running but there is lots of other things out there if that isn't working for you. If it is working for you (it sounds like you are enjoying it), find a local running group and do a search of local races. There are always 5 and 10K races around and half marathons are becoming more and more common. 

Where is your DH in all this? Does he find time to give you a break? Is he supportive of you? That is essential for me, my DH is very supportive of my other interests and knows I need a break. There is no reason he can't watch the kids in the evening for you to go to a book store or get a cup of coffee or take a night class.

[_ktg_]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

I can think of so many ways I could just make things "easier" (and cheaper!) for us, but every time I get around to considering them, I make the same decision. I can't sacrifice things that are important to the family's well being just for a break. The three of them are so happy, it's obvious all of this is working so well for them... but I just feel like crying. Yikes, this turned into one long vent, but I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way? And how do you cope?

Like many of the PP - recognize that you are part of the family too and you count just as much to have happiness in your daily life!!  You have got a lot going on and congratulations on finding & keeping some time carved out just for you as that is a critical thing to maintaining sanity.

My thoughts are - it is a balancing act in life, I can't do it all in terms of AP/NFL/Green living without driving myself crazy or becoming a martyr in the process.  So I make compromises and I have just finally started demanding time to myself (and being work does not count) such as keeping Saturday mornings for myself to drive out to the farmer's market and to the library.  It's a bit of quiet time for mama (and I get some of my favorite errands done to boot) while DH watches the kids.  In turn DH gets every other friday night off to hang out with friends since he SAH while I work. 

I think you should just focus on what are some key/crucial aspects you want to follow and focus on those.  For myself - it's good nutrition/homecooked meals, green-er living, and time with the kids. Sometimes our dinners or lunches are fast food or pizza, or have to use TP instead of family cloth cus the wipes didn't get washed in time, or the house looks like a disaster, or we have to shorten bedtime stories a bit because we stayed a play date too long.   Most of the time we're hitting those important items for us but it's not 100% everyday - I would say we're more like 75/25.
 

[Dr.Worm]

I agree with what everyone else is saying....you are an important member of the family also and you have got to take care of yourself.  If you are sick or depressed that is not going to help your family.  As others have said, you have to decide which things are most important in your family because nobody can do everything perfectly all the time.  Even Dr. Sears said this to Martha.  She was saying how her kids needed her so much that she didn't even have time to take a shower.  He said, "What our kids need is a healthy mother."

[CI Mama]

"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

I forget where I've seen that quote, but it's one that flashes through my  mind whenever I get twinges of guilt or stress over taking time and space for myself. Whatever I'm feeling radiates through my whole family. It's good for me to be happy.

You've gotten a lot of great advice here, OP. I just want to send you a . Believing that you have a right to take care of yourself is the first step. Figuring out how to actually do it is the next. I'll be thinking of you & hoping it's going well!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

I can think of so many ways I could just make things "easier" (and cheaper!) for us, but every time I get around to considering them, I make the same decision. I can't sacrifice things that are important to the family's well being just for a break. The three of them are so happy, it's obvious all of this is working so well for them... but I just feel like crying.

This statement didn't really hit me until someone else quoted it.

Right now you are sacrificing sleep, peace of mind, and the ability to enjoy your children and husband. This isn't just about "a break."  This is about whether or not life holds joy for you.

[anjsmama]

OP here.

WOW! I guess the  consensus is I matter, too. Maybe I just needed someone to tell me that.

Also I hear a lot of ringings about perfectionism... I am afraid that is a bit of a problem with me, I already know. It is lingering trouble from my childhood  - my mother practiced what I have coined "detachment parenting", but anything less than a 4.0, shiny room, and gold medal gymnast (seriously), landed me grounded, without privelege to friends, banned from certain foods, etc. Perhaps I should take my alone time to get a counselor.........

I also really struggle with the idea of anything less-than-perfect for my kids. I mean, I KNOW everyone wants the best for their kids. But both of mine nearly died in infancy (my 6 month DD at birth, my 35month DS at 3 months during open heart surgery)... so I literally think "I am so lucky they are alive" every single time I make a decision. It's very heavy. 

We moved 2 months ago. I think I underestimated the "bigness" of it. DH & I are from (the same) smalltown USA. We've both been there all our lives and we met when I was 11 y/o. Whenever we needed help with DS, some good company, or you know, ANYTHING, we had both of our entire extended families less than 15 minutes away. And now we have no one. In some ways, it has been very freeing - no more stress from the family helicoptering our life and parenting decisions - but at the same time, I miss them all terribly. I also miss the ability to call someone up, drop the kids off to visit for an hour, and go be alone. 

As for DH, he is starting to see the problem, but unfortunately doesn't know how to help me. Did I mention his new career is in law enforcement? So right now he's gone 10 hours a day, and when he gets home, he hangs with us for dinner, but then begins ironing, shoe polishing, and studying.. and then he has to be to bed pretty early because he leaves at 5 am. This job is pretty rough on me, since I'm a bit of an alarmist anyway.. so the things he sees + really not cool stuff like weapon in the house is sooo stressful. It's an immense help, and a wonderful joy, that he's home for the weekend... but when Monday comes it sort of slaps me in the face. He doesn't know how to make enough time to help - and I don't either. 

Oh yikes, more ranting. Just answering some of the thoughts out there. Thanks for the advice though... I need balance so bad, but I am having such a hard time finding a way to grab it I think. The guilt thing is really tough to get around. But I also  think I have to for my sanity... and probably DH's sanity too. 

[*bejeweled*]

Put yourself first. (This is my new motto after a near breakdown).

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

 But both of mine nearly died in infancy....

We moved 2 months ago. I think I underestimated the "bigness" of it.

So you had a baby 6 months ago, she she nearly died. Four months later you moved away from all your support systems, and you've only been where you are for 2 months?

Holy cow. We'd be living on pizza/take out Chinese/ and those already cooked chickens at the store.  I know that's not an option for your guys because of the gluten free thing, but ANYWHERE that you can cut yourself some slack, do.

Counseling is great. It's like hiring an emotional support system, and you can get over your mother's limitations. But figure out what else would help -- a teenager to come over and play with the kids once a week while you are there? A mother's day out program? A house cleaner? We all find a sense of relief in different ways, but it is totally OK to figure out what might help and try it.

[meemee]

i have seen with my life, sometimes just giving myself permission is HUGE. just saying its ok to sit down and enjoy a cold glass of water for 30 secs or even a minute is HUGE for my own stress and thus makes me a better parent.

you have gone through HUGE changes. you have suffered a LOSS - being away from family and friends and support and then dh hardly there (even when he's present). all your breaks are GONE.

some of the things i let go was a non cluttered house. no way was i able to hang with dd AND have a perfect house.

i skimped on food. frozen instead of fresh. i also learnt how to cook simple fast meals. 

limited toys. with specific areas to put them. 

with me esp. i found i did better if there was ONE room which was fairly uncluttered. i kept the bedroom that way. the bedroom was our sleeping place and a place to keep clothes. that's it. we had a few toys adn books on the bed so that dd would stay in bed instead of crawl/walk around the house. i had places i shoved things into the closet in the bedroom. 

everything has been thrown to you all at one time. work on each one by itself instead of trying to do it all. you will be amazed at how well your life becomes when you are centered and calm. perhaps the first thing you need to work on is your alarmist self. gosh anxiety is a silent killer. work on finding peace with your dh's job. or wahtever is easier to do first. take one step at a time and then move forward.

i work at a v. intense deadline job. staying calm somehow makes everything fall in place and on time. the monring i dont take time for myself a wee bit and let the deadline get me i am late and in a total mess. so much so that i cant relax and eat lunch. sooo....

[_ktg_]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 
 

<snip>
 

As for DH, he is starting to see the problem, but unfortunately doesn't know how to help me. Did I mention his new career is in law enforcement? So right now he's gone 10 hours a day, and when he gets home, he hangs with us for dinner, but then begins ironing, shoe polishing, and studying.. and then he has to be to bed pretty early because he leaves at 5 am. This job is pretty rough on me, since I'm a bit of an alarmist anyway.. so the things he sees + really not cool stuff like weapon in the house is sooo stressful. It's an immense help, and a wonderful joy, that he's home for the weekend... but when Monday comes it sort of slaps me in the face. He doesn't know how to make enough time to help - and I don't either. 

Oh yikes, more ranting. Just answering some of the thoughts out there. Thanks for the advice though... I need balance so bad, but I am having such a hard time finding a way to grab it I think. The guilt thing is really tough to get around. But I also  think I have to for my sanity... and probably DH's sanity too. 

HOLY SMOKES! That is a lot in the span of 6months!!  x1000

I'm in agreement with Linda that we'd be living off of pizza/chinese too  and I agree with Meemee which is a bit more of take it one step at a time, because trying to run to achieve balance I think will only leave you feeling more out of balance like overcompensating.

Can you have a sit down with DH and see what are the most important aspects to keep in your lives as a family right now (keep it to 3) and then identify 3 things which can be put on the back burner for a bit or can have less attention for a while (e.g. instead of cleaning the house everyday - it is a weekly thing or *gasp* monthly ).  Then name 1 activity which is just your own individual time like your running and then something for your DH and figure out how to make that happen for yourself such as DH watching the kids or finding a babysitter etc. 

It should not be how you or DH have to make more time to help, but what can be dropped to free up more time to let you breathe a bit. 

[LynnS6]

One of my friends has a 90% rule. Meaning that it's better to do 90% well and let the other 10% go and stay sane. The other things I'd say is 1. If mom is burnt out, it will affect your parenting and your kids won't stay happy. My momwad a much better parent after she went back to grad school. 2. Your behavior now is modeling future relationships for your kids. You really don't want to model for your kids that they need to suppression their needs so everyone else can be happy? That's not healthy for your kids to see. Find a way to convert your running time into something that recharges you when the race is done. Your whole family will benefit.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

I also really struggle with the idea of anything less-than-perfect for my kids. I mean, I KNOW everyone wants the best for their kids. But both of mine nearly died in infancy (my 6 month DD at birth, my 35month DS at 3 months during open heart surgery)... so I literally think "I am so lucky they are alive" every single time I make a decision. It's very heavy. 

I can relate a little to this. I lost my fourth child at birth. Then, when I was pregnant with dd2 (my fifth, and last), we couldn't find her heartbeat at my 14 week prenatal checkup. I've never been so scared in my life. DH and I spent about the first year of her life hovering over her to listen for her breathing if she napped for more than 10 minutes. It was scary.

My reaction was different than yours, though. I've let more things go since then. Some of them, I feel kind of crappy about (dd2 is the only one of my kids who has never been in cloth diapers, and it feels really, really off, especially when I remember just how hard I worked to use cloth with ds1), and others (we do more screen time - mostly Netflix streaming - than I'd ever intended), not so much. The single biggest effect is that I'm so, so determined to just enjoy my kids, especially dd2. Maybe try looking at your good luck as your good luck, instead of as some kind of debt you owe? You are so very lucky that everything worked out and they're both alive (although not at all lucky that you had to go through those things!)...so enjoy your luck. A family where three of four people are happy and everything's working for them, but the fourth person can't sleep and is worn out isn't a happy family - it's a happy fraction of a family. Enjoy your kids, instead of trying to make everything perfect for them.

My oldest is now 18, and we hardly see him (work, girlfriend, multiple activities, etc. - and then he's starting college in the fall). The time has gone so, so fast. I have a million regrets about his childhood and his life...but one regret I don't have is that I always enjoyed his presence, and had fun with him. The house was a disaster area (I'm not exaggerating - ds1 lived in a pit for a couple of years), and we didn't always eat as well as we should have, and a few other things...but I have hundreds, probably thousands, of beautiful memories of the little things - laughing together, enjoying some hot chocolate (not exactly great for either of us) from a thermos at the side of the river in the pouring rain, watching him open the (probably MIC) Charmander pillow I gave him for Christmas, etc. I wasn't a perfect mom then, and I'm not a perfect mom now. But, one of the things that made me a reasonablly good mom to ds1 is that I was just sooooo happy to have him in my life.

Enjoy your kids, mama. Yes - kids are a big responsiblity and it's good that you take that seriously. But, they're also such a joy, and I think you're losing that under the burden of everything else.

And, I agree with everyone else. Make sure you carve out something for yourself. In my case, that's the choir I belong to, and those once a week rehearsals help me keep my sanity. Theyr'e not easy, as singing in public is way, way outside my comfort zone, and I'm also socially challenged and really anxious - but they're mine.

Take it easy on yourself. You've had an amazing amount of change and upheaval, and you're trying to keep to a very high standard through all that. Living life in crisis, or through major transitions, usually means that something has to give...but that something doesn't have to be you!