Help.

[Krisis]

I wasn't sure where to post this, mods, so go ahead and move it if it doesn't belong here.  I don't know what to do about my 3.5 year old.  I'm worried about both of us.  I'm not even sure how to go about describing this.  Argh.

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and general depression a while ago.  Recently my doctor switched my antidepressant around.  So I know that I'm adjusting to my medication, and that it takes a long time for medication switches to balance themselves out.  But I feel like a horrible parent.  I've always struggled with feelings of mommy guilt - the first year of Toby's life I was dealing with untreated depression and spent most of my time curled up in a ball while he "watched" Baby Einstein.  I started doing better, and feltlike I was doing great earlier this year.  But in May I had a hysterectomy and ever since then I've just been going downhill.  I have no energy and I have ZERO patience.  For the tiniest stuff.  Yesterday I wanted to call CPS and report myself to them, dammit.  I feel like poor Toby is constantly harped on and yelled at and he's going to grow up so screwed up because I'm not doing what I should be. 

Meanwhile, Toby has boundless, ridiculous amounts of energy.  He's very, very smart and has a ridiculous memory.  I was worried about Asperger's and autism with him as a baby because it runs in my family, but I don't think he fits the criteria any more.  The thing is, he fixates.  Like last night he sat on his bed and yelled for 45 minutes because DH forgot to have him brush his teeth before bed.  A constant refrain around here is "Toby, say it ONE TIME and then don't say it again," because otherwise he'll repeat himself 87 times.  He's not really defiant...but he pushes buttons a lot.  He's not really OCD, but... kind of.  Sometimes I worry about ADD/ADHD with him, because I think his dad went undiagnosed as a child, but I don't believe in medicating for it (not at this point anyway) and I realize he's just 3. He argues constantly. 

I just kind of am at the end of my rope.  I don't know what to do with him anymore.  I have a doctor's appointment for me tomorrow, so hopefully I can get a little help, but truly... I don't know what's normal for a 3 year old, I guess.  Yesterday we went to tour a preschool and we talked for 10 minutes beforehand about staying close to Mommy and we aren't going to play with the toys this time... well as soon as we walked in the door it was a giant tantrum and whining the whole time "IwannaplayIwannaplayNOWNOWNOWNOW." 

Is this normal? How do you handle this stuff?  How do you get more patience?  I have NONE.  How do you get more energy?  How do you play with a 3.5 year old who is an only child?  I want to play with him but when I think of what that would involve (energy-wise) I just can't do it.  I know there are specific diets and stuff for helping out but honestly we're doing good to eat 3 meals a day right now, I don't think I can take on a whole new cooking style. 

I just don't know.  I feel like crap, and I'm scared Toby is going to grow up and feel like his mommy hated him.  Because looking at my behavior, that's really what it looks like.  Poor kid.  But at the same time, he's such a pain in the butt.  Right now he's hitting the cat even though he KNOWS that's against the rules. 
 

[K1329]

My ds had boundless energy at that age, too. I felt like I couldn't meet his needs (I have a chronic illness) & i enrolled him in preschool 5 mornings a week. Best decision ever! He loved it, was in a loving, nurturing environment, and had fun. I also got a much needed 3 hr. a day break. Don't be too hard on yourself. Even in the best of circumstances, 3 is a tough age!

[flightgoddess]

Since you are going to the Dr, ask about hormone and thyroid levels. My mom had a hystarectomy, and they said she's be fine, but she started early menopause, and needed hormone replacement therapy. Low thyroid levels might affect mood and health, as well as things like low vitamin D, SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and that can be helped with supplement and light therapy, etc. For the most part, your 3 year old sounds like a 3 year old. They do not have much impulse control, patience, etc. and will take time to develop. Do the best you can to model the behavior and values you want him to have.  It sounds like he gets upset when his routine isn't followed, so work on a more consistant routine if that makes im happier/more obedient. Hopefully you can find some more answers for your health, because if you can get yourself healthier, then you will have less stress regarding your child.

[Krisis]

I am looking into enrolling him in preschool twice a week (otherwise it's too pricey.)  I really, really didn't want to enroll him till he was 4 so I am dealing with some guilt over that, but maybe it will help. 

Definitely getting my thyroid/hormone levels checked.  I still have my ovaries, but you never know.  I have a sneaking suspicion my thyroid is on the borderline of working anyway, no matter what the blood test says (I've had it checked before and it always comes back normal... but... )  And I definitely have SAD - I HATE summer :-)  Like with the fervor of a thousand suns, hate hate hate the long days and the heat and the sunshine (yeah I know, weird.) 

[swd12422]

I'm with you on the summer-hating thing. And a few others, too! My DS is actually very easy-going and well-behaved, but he is 3. And I have no patience. And I'm sick and tired of people recommending that I get my hormone and thyroid and Vitamin D levels checked. They're FINE. (But have yours checked if you haven't already, b/c it could be that simple!) What seems to be working at least a bit more: Activities for DS. Preschool, library story time, gymnastics class, playground time, pool time..... The more attention he gets from me and the more physical activity he gets, the better.

Sometimes I'll be trying to get some quiet time in front of the computer and he'll want to sit on me. It's annoying, but I let him and turn it into a tickle fight. It's a cue that he needs Mommy time and I need to give it to him or else he finds other ways to demand my attention (a la hitting the cat) and it's negative attention. So I try to find opportunities to give him positive attention before it turns ugly. (Even though it's usually when I want quiet, those are the best times b/c I'm sitting or lying down and he can have fun climbing on me instead of me having to pick him up while I'm standing, which is too hard for me and I usually have to say no.)

The other thing that seems to be working for me is supplements. I have low vitamin D, but those supplements alone weren't working. I added fish oil 3x/day and some flaxseed oil (per something I read somewhere on this forum a long time ago) and that is working much better. I can see a difference on the days I forget to take the fish oil after lunch and dinner. IDK why it works, or if it's placebo effect, but I don't really care. If I'm not yelling at DS, I call it good.

[rparker]

I don't know if any of this will work for you, but I'll share the things that have worked for me. My diagnosis is bipolar and ocd. Zoloft is the most consistently "effective" treatment I've experienced, but I've been off of all medications for 4 years (since I was pregnant with DD1) so these are my coping mechanisms for dealing with depression/anxiety while med-free, but there's no reason why they shouldn't work in conjunction with medication. They aren't all pleasant, so take what you can use and disregard the rest :) 

- Blue light therapy: less so in the summer (but I'm pretty far north, so our summer days are LONG), regularly in fall/winter/spring, super frequently during a major depressive episode. The light was kind of expensive (a couple hundred six years ago?), but it has had more of an immediate/tangible effect of lifting the fatigue associated with depression, more so than antidepressants even. 

- Cold showers: like, ice cold. I did these once, sometimes two or three, times a day this past winter when dealing with postpartum depression after the fall birth of DD2. Usually only for a minute or two. These are really hard to do? But afterwards I would feel 110% better for maybe an hour or two. 

- Intensive cardio: When I was really depressed it helped a lot when I would drag myself to the gym a minimum of 4 times per week and run as fast as I could on a treadmill for 30 minutes. I did some light weight training too, but it was getting my heart rate way up that seemed to help the most. I didn't want to do it. I felt completely exhausted. But once I did it I felt a LOT better. 

- Social rhythm therapy: This basically means sticking to a fairly rigid schedule even when you don't feel like it and making sure to have daily contact (even if just by phone) with another adult. This has been popularized in relation to bipolar disorder, but I believe it was originally researched in people with depression not bpd. (This is the book I read on it: http://www.amazon.com/Treating-Bipolar-Disorder-Individualized-Evidence-Based/dp/1593852045) The single biggest thing related to this that has seemed to help me get through depressive episodes is going to bed and waking up at the same time, never sleeping more than 9 hours, always sleeping a MINIMUM of 6 hours, and only napping in extraordinary circumstances (i.e. up with the baby ALL night, sick with a virus, etc.). 

- Caffeine 

- Journaling: obsessively. 

- Walking: when I could drive. 

- Take time for yourself: Seriously. Even if it seems like it's more than you "deserve" or whatever. Leave your son with someone you trust and go be quiet somewhere by yourself. 

Your son sounds like he's on the spectrum of "normal," but he also sounds intense and a lot like my DD1. Here are the half-baked parenting strategies I've used, not all of them are great but they get me through the day: 

- Sitting her in front of movies when I absolutely can't cope. 

- Reading stories, sometimes LONG stories, because it distracts us both. 

- Preschool: We did one day (2 hours) a week from Jan-May last year, but we're doing 2.5 hours 3x per  week this fall. If my husband were gone every single day from 9-5 and I was going through a major depressive episode I wouldn't hesitate to put her in a more comprehensive program. If you can't afford it you might want to look into Head Start. (A Head Start teacher runs a play group we attend and she informed me that even if you think your family's income is too high for the program's cut-off there is a certain percentage of "over income" kids they take each year.)

- Scheduling play dates, library outings, etc. especially when I really do not feel like it. 

- GO OUTSIDE: She behaves better outside and I'm less annoyed by her. If she's really wound up I make her run around and yell and scream. Sometimes I run around and yell and scream myself. Sometimes she'll play in her sand box and I can read a few chapters in a book. 

- Wrestle: I got this from Playful Parenting. Of course with a 3 y/o you "fake wrestle." She seems to really like the physical contact and "beating" me. 

- Role play (w/ or w/out dolls): When she's really pissing me off I pretend to be the baby/kid and act as obnoxious as possible and she's the mommy who has to deal with me somehow. I scream and cry and it's very cathartic. 

- Distract w/ "high value" toys: play-doh, finger paint, dry erase markers, etc. Basically anything I don't let her play with on a regular basis can buy me 30 minutes of peace. 

- PLAY: Sometimes it's easier just to sit down and play the boring kids games even if you're tired. Puzzles, blocks, dolls, memory games, etc. 

- Dance: together. Be silly. 

Umm, and I've also told her to say "mommy don't yell at me" or "mommy don't talk to me in a mean voice" whenever I do those things. It also helps to let her help me with housework when I have the energy to actually do the housework myself. 

Note, none of the things I've written keep either of us from having tantrums or falling apart or having lousy days. DD1 gets obsessively fixated on things and falls apart and freaks out and there's nothing I can do about it. "This too shall pass." Ok, I don't know if any of that is at all useful, but DD2 is freaking out now. Oh yeah, spending less time online helps with the anxiety/depression.

[journeymom]

Lots of great advice here. 

Do not hesitate  to put your son in as much preschool as you can afford.   I totally identify with your guilt here, but both my dd and my ds thoroughly enjoyed preschool.  How would they not, compared to hanging with boring, Depressed Mom? 

Take care of yourself, be a relentless advocate for your good health.  I don't know how these things work but I imagine having a hysterectomy would do a number on your physiology.  Are you getting your questions answered? 

[LynnS6]

Three year olds are hard. Persistent 3 year olds are even harder. Depression and anxiety are hard. The combo is really hard. You've also had major surgery and your doctor has changed your meds. Right now, your only job is to get through the day and work on feeling better. 

As for playing with him - what about going outside and sitting on a bench and having him run 'relay' races that you time? (Lots of energy for him, a little for you.) Kick a soccer ball back and forth. If it goes out of bounds, he runs to get it. Sit on the floor with him and have him direct the play, and you can put in a word now and then. If you can do that for 20-30 minutes a day, you're fine. Remember, most of our parents did not play with us and we turned out well. In the past, it just wasn't expected of parents. A fair number of parents on MDC don't like to play with their kids. It's OK. If you don't have the energy to play with him, just make sure you give him your full attention when he talks to you when you can. If you can't, but up front with him and say "Mom needs a break right now." 

Remember, if you had pneumonia or rheumatoid arthritis or any other physical illness, you'd feel guilty, but not as guilty as you do know. Mental illness is an ILLNESS and you need to treat that before you can be well. I've been on Paxil for 10 years. I'll probably be on through menopause. You know what? I'm OK with that because it allows me to be a decent parent. Work on getting yourself well, then work on your relationship with your son. (And if it helps, I was ready to send both my kids to boarding school when they were 3. They're 7 and 10 now, and life is much better.)

[nina_yyc]

I don't know anything about mental illness but I do know about difficult three year olds and preschool.  I too thought that I didn't want to send my DD to preschool until she was four, thought she was maybe too young and not socially advanced enough (share? never!)  About the time she started preschool she seemed to calm down a lot and stop doing a lot of annoying things to get attention.  I figured DD was growing up.  Then we had Xmas break from preschool and all the behaviors started up again.  Back to preschool, they were gone.   My DD is super-social and half of my attention while I was taking care of then-baby DS just didn't cut it for her.

[Imakcerka]

Mental illness is huge in my family.  Drop the guilt about little things.  So you didn't want to send him until he was 4 to preschool.  Don't sweat it.  There are a lot of things you're going to have to let go of.  Also your medication is not doing what it's supposed to.  All of this needs to be shared with your doctor.  If your doctor says you're fine... screw him/her.  You need to live and the wrong medication is like a slow drowning death. 

We talk about it in our family, DH is bipolar, we've discussed it with our kids.  When the time comes you need to tell him what is going on with you.  They understand more than you think.   And by knowing as he gets older he'll understand if it happens to him.  Good luck and hugs!

[MeredithA]

My 3.5 yr old DS is in preschool 3 days per week and it has been such a positive experience for us both. I don't have experience with social anxiety disorder or hysterectomy but i do have experience with an intense toddler and preschool and the guilt associated with making the decision to enroll him in a school program. I have to say, preschool has been amazing for us. During the summer, he had a blast there coloring, painting, playing with other toddlers, and he even learned all of the days of the week and months of the year (I was so impressed!). As for me, preschool during the summer gave me the opportunity to have "me time".  I would drop him off and then I could relax with a cup of coffee, take a nap, catch up on laundry, prepare a meal, or just go lounge around at the pool. When I picked him up, we were happy to see each other and I felt refreshed. Initially, I felt guilty about enrolling him but I quickly realized that putting him in preschool reduced my guilt because instead of watching Toy Story while I did the dishes, he was playing and learning in a fun environment. I naturally had more patience because I wasn't trying to get things done when DS was around. 

When I am low on energy, and DS wants to play, I go for easy, low-energy, activities that provide him with the mommy-attention he wants, but with minimal work required on my part:

1. simple puzzles (easy ones that will not frustrate DS)

2. playing in the sandbox (I can just sit in the sand and sip on a drink while DS happily buries my feet under a sandcastle)

3. the sticker game (this one is for my lowest-energy times or when I have a bad headache and just can't find the energy to play a regular game. I buy him a giant roll of stickers from the dollar store. I lay down on the couch in a tank top and shorts and let him "decorate" me with the stickers. When he is finished, I get up and look in the mirror and tell him what a wonderful job he has done. Then I give him a piece of paper and lay back down on the couch. He peels off the stickers one by one and sticks them on the piece of paper, which we then hang on the fridge. The dollar store stickers have pretty weak adhesive and don't hurt when they are peeled off :-) 

I'm glad you are going to the doctor to get thyroid/hormone levels checked. Hang in there, mama - Fall is just around the corner