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Pressure on kids to be "cool" conflicting with parenting values - Page 2

post #21 of 76
Thread Starter 
Henna tattoo!! That is a GREAT idea and I am totally up for it. I don't know how/where you get one, though. Gonna look into that.

We do do some cool outdoor stuff as a family--we camp, fish, boat, kayak, etc--but I'm not sure how much currency this gives with the kind of kids I am thinking of. greensad.gif

I do host playdates and slumber parties--maybe not as much as I could.
Quote:
She was the youngest kid at a camp with really wide ages. (7-13 is too broad an age group, IMO.) Wait until next year. See what the school is like.

Right--I will wait and see about a lot of this. But I'm noticing we're getting out of step even with our friends who are pretty similar.
post #22 of 76

I can definitely identify.  My 8 year old DD is starting to feel that pressure.  She wants a DS so much, just to feel like she fits in and has something cool, that I'm leaning toward getting her one.  As far as other things that might be seen as "cool," I agree that pets are good.  Skills or talents are also good.  My DD is not a bragger or show-off at all, but I know she gets some satisfaction from being better at drawing than just about any kid she knows, from being better at ice skating than most of the other kids when we go to homeschool skating time, and from being reasonably good at swimming and skiing.  (Though she's always more likely to think about the people who are better than her than the people who aren't.  She doesn't feel as good about her skiing as she could because she has a friend her age who can ski even better.)  A couple of things I'm thinking about for DD are horseback riding lessons and archery.  I know both of those things seem cool to her, and probably some other kids would agree.  I've also thought about setting up a slackline somewhere on our property.  My DD isn't very interested in learning to use matches or make a fire, but if yours is (and if she's responsible enough), that seems like it could be a cool thing to teach her.  You could show her how to do it with a magnifying glass as well as with sticks and paper and matches.  You could also start teaching her how to drive.  Show her how to start the car, and let her sit on your lap and steer somewhere like an empty parking lot.  (I actually want to do this with my kids.)

post #23 of 76

She can't wear the decorated jeans, but could she wear a head band or socks that she decorated the same way to school, or are accessories a no-no too?

 

I think you've gotten a lot of ideas here. I just want to say that I was raised similarly. My parents probably had more money than most of my friends' parents, but I didn't have "stuff" like they did. No car at 16, no Walkman, etc. What I did finally have that was cool was a job at 16 that wasn't fast food! I was the only one of my friends who worked during the school year (most worked fast food summers or not at all) and I worked at The Limited. Everyone thought that was the best. Weird.

 

Before that, I just kept my mouth shut and when someone asked me about a movie or whatever I'd say my parents didn't let me see it. No biggie. I felt left out when I didn't get the references or had nothing to contribute, but my friends were my friends and they didn't care if I knew about that stuff or not. Sometimes they'd share their teen mags with me so I'd have some clue, but even then I just didn't care much. I still pretty much live under a rock. They did lots of "fun" things without me (like going to concerts, movies, etc) but I usually didn't even know about it.

 

The best memories I have are not about stuff -- sleepovers at friends' houses and things like that are. One friend's mom always helped us make monkey bread. Another made pizza for breakfast. Another always moved a TV into the bedroom and we'd watch cartoons all morning so everyone else could sleep in, then we'd have pancakes. It doesn't have to be material, tangible objects to be special.

post #24 of 76

My kids are 13 and 14 so I've BTDT, but only with one of them. One of my kids is on the autism spectrum so she never felt any of this. Because of seeing that, I think I had a little different attitude. This is really normal, its a sign that a child is developing normally socially.

 

For me, it boiled down to two things:

 

1. where can I let go?

2. how do I talk to DD about the the things where I can't/wont let go?

 

At age 7 and on the things you listed, I would lighten up about nail polish, ear piercing, and Wii games. Nail polish comes back off, it's no big deal. And there are so many fun things to do with it -- decals, stripes, dots, etc. For one mom and DD we know, it became a little bonding hobby for them. Every Sunday night they would do completely wild things to their nails together. You could help your DD take care of the earrings. There's no real reason to make her wait until she is old enough to be completely responsible. It sounds like something that would make her happy. You guys already have a Wii, adding a couple of FUN and COOL games. I kinda think owning a Wii but refusing to buy games she likes is mean. If kids come over to the house, she has to explain that. There's no good answer for her but "My mom and dad won't let me."  Mario Cart was some of the best entertainment money we've spent -- my kids have played with it for years, my DH's friends have played with it, other kids think it's cool. You might be able to pick up some used games, or wait until her B-day or X-mas, but this is an area where I think you could lighten up.

 

As far as talking about the things that I either couldn't/wouldn't budge, I pointed out that what it seems like "everyone is doing" isn't really. For example, the Disney thing. (I'm going to make up numbers here) Let's say your DD circle of kids includes 70 peers (between school, camp, the neighborhood, and an activity or two like gymnastics, that seems reasonable to me). Imagine that in that LARGE group including people she barely knows, an average of 3 go to Disney each year. So 3 went to Disney this year, and 3 went last year, and 1 already knows she's going next year. Then you add in one kid who has a photo of herself as a toddler at Disney, one kid who is so hung up on fitting that they lie and say they go every year, and your DD is left feeling like "everybody goes to Disney ALL the time." When really, only 3 kids went this year. Helping DD see the reality rather than getting hung up on whose talking loudest helped.

 

Also, teaching conversation skills helps. I think part of the problem is that kids end up in these conversations where they want to add what they do/have so they can be part of the flow, instead of realizing that there are other things to say. They can ASK and be INTERESTED in the other child's vacation. Help her go over the conversations where these things are coming up and help her brain storm other things to say that reflect being interested in the other person. People like that. It's a way to be *popular.* In the long term, having friends is more about making conversation than owning things.

 

Also, we are fortunate financially that if there is something that DD really wants, that eventually we could make it happen. The questions become why do you want it and what is a reasonable age for it? I couldn't get enthused about buying something just to be cool, just because everyone else has one. That seems silly to me. On the other hand, if it would be really FUN for her, I'm much more open.

 

I've also required the kids be old enough to be reasonably responsible with stuff. They were 10 and 11 when they got iPods, and they got iHomes at the same time so they could always have a place to be put away. And they couldn't leave the house. They still have those iPods. (If we had a 7 year old, we might let her have one as a hand-me-down and upgrade the oldest child to an iPod touch).

 

BTW -- your backyard sounds AMAZING

 

 

post #25 of 76

My 8.5 year old has an iPod nano. It was his birthday gift from me when he turned 7 and he loves it. It does give him some cool points, but more importantly, it means my guys know and love all kinds of music, not just Justin Bieber or whatever. We also have a Wii and lots of games, but we limit screen time to 30-45 minutes a day, max. They have Pokemon cards and silly bands, which are cheap, don't take up much room or time, and give them social currency. I think it's pretty easy to give in just a little and let them fit in with their friends. 

post #26 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingsara View Post

loraxc: sometimes it fun to let the kids pick the meal. We did backwords day one time and had dinner stuff and ice cream in the morning, then like tacos or something for lunch and breakfast for dinner. We all wore our clothes backwords, 'yes' was 'no' and 'no' was 'yes'. It was super silly and we all talked about it for weeks and weeks.

 

Maybe let her stay up late one night and have a 'dance party'. Put on some favorite music and dance your pants off! 

 

Go exploring somewhere new. Go check out a new town, go hike somewhere different, learn about a new country (cook some food native to their land, learn to speak some of their language, watch a cartoon from there). 

 

We also really like to build stuff. Maybe a catapult would be fun to build (for outside play if you like). Do some tie-dye. Sew something. 

 

Start a fund for a special trip. Put all of your loose pocket change in a jar and ask DD if she'd like to do some chores she doesn't normally do to earn some money for the jar. Then when you have enough money go to an amusement park or out to a movie or for dinner or whatever she wants. Right now we're saving for horseback riding and for Hawaii! 


As fun as all of that sounds? None of it is going to be considered "cool" by her peers. Maybe saving for Hawaii.

 

I would talk to kiddo and find out first if this bothers HER. And if it does, is there one thing that she feels would make it better.

 

post #27 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post


As fun as all of that sounds? None of it is going to be considered "cool" by her peers. Maybe saving for Hawaii.

 

I would talk to kiddo and find out first if this bothers HER. And if it does, is there one thing that she feels would make it better.

 



Yeah, paint on her jeans is not going to make her the coolest kid on the block. I seriously question if any of you remember what it was like to be teased and taunted for continuously not having the right clothes or tech or newest toy. Times are different, and just because in your 30s or 40s you can look back at your school life and say that never having anything new never bothered you does not mean that it will not bother the OPs daughter right now as she is living it. I was one of those kids who never had anything new because of rigid ideals held by my parents, and I don't remember wonderful values being passed down, I remember being left out as all the other kids talked about what toys they had or what tv show was on last night or the movie they saw on the weekend. 

 

Ask your dd what she wants, after all, she is living this. Think about holding to your values vs the day to day left out-ness that your dd has to experience. There is something to be said for the culture of shared experiences. Don't inadvertently isolate her by trying to do what is best. 

post #28 of 76
Thread Starter 
To clarify a little--this doesn't seem to be a huge deal with DD yet, but it is on her radar. I have heard her complain about bedtimes, about ear piercing/nail polish (I have issues with girls being sexualized too soon, which is why I don't like polish, but I guess silly colors on her toes will work for me), about her lunch not being cool and so nobody wants to trade with her, and about not having an electronic device/iPod. None of these things seem to cause her major trauma (and she is a drama queen, so trust me, I would know), but she's aware of it.
Quote:
ou guys already have a Wii, adding a couple of FUN and COOL games. I kinda think owning a Wii but refusing to buy games she likes is mean.

Uh, whoa! She doesn't even know that other Wii games exist and hasn't asked for any. She really likes WiiFit! just know this will come up and she will eventually become aware of more games. We actually bought the Wii for the grown-ups as a fitness tool, though.
Quote:
I seriously question if any of you remember what it was like to be teased and taunted for continuously not having the right clothes or tech or newest toy. Times are different, and just because in your 30s or 40s you can look back at your school life and say that never having anything new never bothered you does not mean that it will not bother the OPs daughter right now as she is living it.

Um, whoa again! Actually I quite clearly remember being very upset about not having the "right" clothes in junior high. However, DD is just 7, and it's certainly not the case that she "never had anything new." or that she is being brutally ostraiczed for being the poor kid. Again, it's just on my radar, and I'm thinking about it. Also, I do rather reject the expressed opinion of you and PP that the ONLY way to be cool is to BUY THE STUFF. I do think kids are impressed by various things, and not all of them require spending.

At 10 or 11, FWIW, I'm sure I'll be relatively open to her having a cell phone, iPod, etc. But she's still awfully young for an expensive item like that and I don't see myself budging at this point.
post #29 of 76

I've been struggling with this too - we're very much back-to-basics kind of family, for a lack of better word.  We don't follow any trends for kids or even ourselves - definitely nothing considered cool, cool currently or in any era lol.gif.

 

Computer yes, TV packed in some box somewhere, cellphone yes but very recently.  DD has - never - been to a movie theater, she has no idea what/who Harry Potter is - she heard about it from friends but that's about it. And on and on ...

 

So, I totally know where you're coming from.  I anticipated this problem will come about but didn't think it'll show up this early (my DD is 7 too).  

 

I guess just like with yours, it's not a problem yet - but DD's starting to notice.  So far, we haven't budged yet because it looks like it'll be a slippery slope - where and how do you draw the line where/when to budge or not?

 

I don't know what will work in the long run - in terms of what will "protect" her from being hurt for being considered uncool etc.  It just seems like a never ending process, I just don't want to encourage that.  I'm kind of in a wait-n-see mode because it's not a problem yet.  I'm hoping in the long run, she'll be comfortable enough with herself that this won't be a problem - that's the approach I'm working towards I guess. 

 

It seems that despite the cool/uncool things, DD has managed to find lots of other things in common with the other children as of now.  She plays with kids that have common interests - like swimming, or doing arts/crafts, or whatever else.  During playdates, every so often, I would hear the other kid brags and DD usually has no idea what they're talking about - that usually lasts for a few minutes, then they just move on to other things that they both enjoy.  It so far hasn't bothered her much so I just let it go.

 

Also, I know what you mean with living around people with different values - well, we do struggle with that as well, but just keep looking.  At the same time, I'm humbly learning from DD, actually - look for the things we have in common and don't focus on the differences.

 

I wish I can tell you concrete things that will work but just want to let you know you're not the only one dealing with this.

 

 

 

 

post #30 of 76

I see where you are coming from because I agree with some of the things you have said, but at the same time I disagree. IMO nail polish isn't sexual, I've been painting my kids nails since they were infants because I thought it was cute and girlie. Now buying her those thongs for little kids.. that is sexual. Ear piercing, again my kids have had their ears pierced since they were 3 months. Again, its cute and girlie.

 

The TV is on in the background nearly all day in my house. Its off when DD is doing her school work, but aside from that its on and they play the day away, stopping to watch a show and then onto the next thing. Its not a big deal for me.. my girls are VERRRYY smart, well behaved, interactive children. Some TV isn't going to corrupt them. They also get sometime each day on the computer if they ask.

 

It seems like giving a little would make a big difference in your DD social world. Give her a "cool" snack so she has something to trade at school, just because you don't pack her "bad" food doesn't mean she can't get it at school. Take her to the store and let her pick out some awesome Wii game. Let her get her ears pierced. And adjust her bedtime a little bit. My ex was a senior in high school, 17 years old with a 9:30 bedtime. Talk about embarrassing.. "I can't go to x,y,z because I have a bedtime.." I know your DD is ALOT younger, but I think the key is flexibility.

 

And FWIW, I know that you are trying to protect her and do the best/right thing for her. But the reality of the situation is there may be a day where she gets tired of being the kid with "uncool" things or can't have "cool" snacks, can't do things other kids her age are doing etc and she may start to act out in other ways to feel accepted. My whole life I was poor, I didn't have cool things, neat clothes, I didn't fit in or relate to any of the other kids. When I got to high school I went CRAZY!! I was a honors student with a high GPA that started skipping school because that's what the other kids were doing. I started having sex because for the first time in my life I "had" something that someone else wanted and I could control the attention I got. I'm not saying that if you don't buy her an ipad this is what is going to happen, but if she wants a Twinkie a lunch, she'll find a way to get one.. KWIM? I would suggest figuring out what deep down is important to you. And all the other stuff find a way to give a little to your DD. 

post #31 of 76


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

I'm going to ask you to question your premise: Does she need "stuff" to brag about?

 

Ds' best friend spent a year at a private school where the kids had a lot of money. One day when he was over, he started playing a 'game' with them that went something like "I've got X that you don't have." The kind of stuff that he was saying sounded a lot like what you're hearing from camp. "I've got an iPod and you don't." My kids, completely misunderstanding the game, came back with "I've got a stuffed penguin." "I've got 3 sharpies." The game petered out pretty quickly. Not all kids care.  (Thankfully, ds' friend's parents moved him to a school that was a better fit for their family values.)

 

 

This is just like my 7 year old dd.  We don't watch any television at all.  The only television that my dd even gets a glimpse of is the television (often tuned to televised tennis matches, but sometimes to random cartoons) at the tennis courts where we play, and the restaurants that insist on having blaring televisions.  So one time, the queen bee in my dd's first grade class started bragging about what she saw on TV the previous night.  My dd proudly chimed in, "Welllll, I get to watch TV on at the tennis center," and the conversation with the queen bee continued without a hitch.  My dd got to put in her two cents worth, and she was satisfied.  I think that this is just the point. My dd doesn't need or ask for stuff to brag about.  She just needs to brag, which is fine.  She just does it creatively.
 

Not that she doesn't constantly ask me for a DS.  But she isn't asking for a DS because she wants to brag or talk about it.  That's different. She is asking for it because she sees the other kids playing with them and she would also like to play.  But she accepts my just as constant "no"s in reply with good humor.

post #32 of 76

Maybe you could wait it out a little and see how it goes at school, and see what ends up being really important to her.  A little time might help you see how your dd is doing, and get a read on what the social culture truly feels like to her.  When my oldest needed some social currancy, and we were moving away from a waldorf lifestyle, Harry Potter did the trick.  That's what was being read and talked about.  But honestly, at 7, I'd wait a little and scope things out a bit.

 

FWIW, I don't generally find that "things" make as much of a difference as parental attitude does.  If you carefully consider your child's needs, and let her know that you value what's important to her (which may be different from what's important to you), I think that will go a long way.  A little flexibility and willingness to make your boundaries "flex" when they need to, will help.

post #33 of 76


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by nursingmommaof2 View Post

just because in your 30s or 40s you can look back at your school life and say that never having anything new never bothered you does not mean that it will not bother the OPs daughter right now as she is living it. I was one of those kids who never had anything new because of rigid ideals held by my parents, and I don't remember wonderful values being passed down, I remember being left out as all the other kids talked about what toys they had or what tv show was on last night or the movie they saw on the weekend. 

 


I was also a child who didn't get things because of my parents values (they are fundy Christians and viewed pretty much everything as sin). When I left home, I went completely wild. I eventually calmed down. As a parent, I left my kids make as many choices as possible with their own lives.

 

There are so many things that as adult I just don't care about that my kids do (like technology), and I respect their right to feel how they feel and have some control over their lives.

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post

To clarify a little--this doesn't seem to be a huge deal with DD yet, but it is on her radar. I have heard her complain about bedtimes, about ear piercing/nail polish (I have issues with girls being sexualized too soon, which is why I don't like polish, but I guess silly colors on her toes will work for me), about her lunch not being cool and so nobody wants to trade with her, and about not having an electronic device/iPod. None of these things seem to cause her major trauma (and she is a drama queen, so trust me, I would know), but she's aware of it.



Uh, whoa! She doesn't even know that other Wii games exist and hasn't asked for any. She really likes WiiFit! just know this will come up and she will eventually become aware of more games. We actually bought the Wii for the grown-ups as a fitness tool, though.

 


I don't think that nail polish or earrings are sexual, at all. Not one bit.

 

For many years, my kids favorite way to wear polish was something like bright green polish with bright blue dots. (made by using a tooth pick). It was silly, fun, whimsical, etc., but pretty seriously NOT sexy! 

 

My deal with earrings was that the needed to be old enough to really understand what they were getting into -- the pain, care, commitment. One of my DDs still doesn't have pierced ears, the other got her ears pierced at about 7 or 8. For a long time, all her earrings were shaped like animals -- horses, cats, starfish, even some jelly fish. Then she went through a stage where all earrings matched clothes. She liked packets of earrings where you get like 12 pair that all look the same except for color, and she liked to coordinated them with what she was wearing. Daisy earrings every day in a different color are NOT sexy.

 

I misunderstood you on the Wii. I thought it was an issue. For us, the Wii was purchased for family fun and we sometimes all play together on "family game nights." (sometimes we play boards games or card games instead).

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaMunchkin View Post

I guess just like with yours, it's not a problem yet - but DD's starting to notice.  So far, we haven't budged yet because it looks like it'll be a slippery slope - where and how do you draw the line where/when to budge or not?


For me, it's been about getting clear in my own head about *why* I'm saying yes, no, or later to something. There are so many things that I say yes or later too. For me, the bottom line is that some day my kids will be making ALL their own choices, and that I'm constantly teaching them *how* to make those choices. I'm totally fine with making choices just because something is fun. Fun is good.

 

I'm also fine with using my veto power on stuff that I think will actually be bad for them or for my relationship with them. TVs in their room have fallen into that category for me.

 

I'm fine with telling them that I need to think about something. They know that means that I'm really thinking about it, not just delaying saying no.

 

One of the things I want to raise my children with is the sense of their own power. I believe that if I told my kids "no" about everything they suggested, they wouldn't realize how much power they have to create the lives they really want.

 

I don't feel like listening to my kids and allowing them some reasonable control over their lives has been a slippery slope. I feel like it's been a gradually process of letting them figure out what works for them and why.
 

I also know that if a kid is told "no" enough times, they will eventually quit asking. Not because they don't still want it, but because they know the answer. My kids don't ask about TVs or computers in their bedrooms anymore. thumb.gif

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by hippiemombian View Post

 

Give her a "cool" snack so she has something to trade at school, just because you don't pack her "bad" food doesn't mean she can't get it at school. 

 

....she may start to act out in other ways to feel accepted..... I would suggest figuring out what deep down is important to you. And all the other stuff find a way to give a little to your DD. 


 

I agree. I think that letting her pick a snack to include in her lunch will tell her that you hear her and care about how she feels, but it isn't going to ruin all the hard work you've done to instill eating habits. She doesn't even want to eat it. She wants something that other kids will eat -- she wants to be part of a social interaction at lunch time.

 

I agree about figuring out what is actually important to you, and what isn't. You've lumped an amazing amount of stuff into one group. Some of it I was OK with at 7, some of it I was OK with at an older age, and some of it ain't never gonna happen at my house.

post #34 of 76
Thread Starter 
Meh. The thread is sort of going in an "you're doing it wrong" direction. I'm not really interested in hearing why I need to pack junk in her lunch or buy her more stuff. What I was looking for mainly were some ways to give her currency that would also be in line with the values we promote as parents.
post #35 of 76

I don't think you have to pack junk in her lunch, but what about homemade treats?

I also don't think you need to buy anything. You already have a lot of currency, and you listed it all in a PP. Cool backyard, great art supplies (she could invite a few friends over for craft day -- seriously, I was never an art/craft person, but if anyone had something better than crayons and markers, I loved to play and experiment with it), fun activities at home... Her currency could be her way cool mom and all the fun stuff she has to do at the house! Thing is, those things ARE your values, as much as buying stuff isn't. So she needs to bring to the table what she values. That's her currency. Maybe it's different than mainstream, but it's who she is, who you are as a family, and so what if it's different. Different doesn't make it less than, attitude does. Does she want to be friends with kids who don't value what she does? (Or am I missing the point and she wants you to buy all that stuff so she'll fit in?)

 

(And I cringe at all the chemicals in hair dye, and my mom never let me do it b/c it was a "grown up" thing, but I think different-colored hair every few months will definitely give her currency AND let her express her creative side even in a uniform!)

post #36 of 76

What has she asked for to feel included?  For my dd things that help her feel like she fits in are going to the really amazing water park, having been on an airplane for both a long trip and several short ones, having pierced ears, bringing friends to the lake to swim, choosing her own hair cuts and styles, seeing the movie everyone else has seen (or at least reading the book about it), and being able to wear the clothes that are in fashion (luckily our fashions are girl fashions not adult fashions).  All families seem to have something they do that is cool and kids tend to know a great deal about the many different things they can do to be cool, some of which should easily fit into your family lifestyle because there are so many.  My dd lets me know what is in and I try decide on a case by case basis if I am going to allow something into our lives or not.  Sometimes I do compromise or relax my standards some because I really do get tired of always being the one to say no.  For the most part though we keep to our values and I point out the fun things she does that other kids can't do.

 

 


Edited by One_Girl - 8/3/11 at 9:40pm
post #37 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post

Meh. The thread is sort of going in an "you're doing it wrong" direction. I'm not really interested in hearing why I need to pack junk in her lunch or buy her more stuff. What I was looking for mainly were some ways to give her currency that would also be in line with the values we promote as parents.
 


 



Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post


 I don't see myself budging at this point.

 



Sorry, I wasn't aware that you only wanted to be told what you want to hear.

 

Great job mama! Don't worry about dds feelings or the fact that the social world has changed since you were in school! Just keep doing what you have been doing, your dd will appreciate so much that you stuck to your guns and refused to consider any opinions other than your own, especially not hers! I totes agree that 7 is too young to have valid feelings. I love the idea of the adults only game console! Maybe one day all the adults could have ice cream for dinner and your dd could eat broccoli!

 

Hey, maybe being the 'cool mom' will be her currency? After all, you have a kickass backyard and ART SUPPLIES! Tweens love nothing more than art supplies. I'm sure when she is 18, friendless and isolated, clothed in nothing but thrift store castoffs, lacking in any sort of technical literacy she will look back at the time when she was allowed to paint on her jeans with fond memories. 

 

PS good work on keep her de-sexualized. I saw a five year old hussy the other day, wearing earrings, nail polish AND a bracelet! What were her parents thinking!????!!!! Her skirt was so short I could see her ankles!!!!!!

 

post #38 of 76


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by nursingmommaof2 View Post

 

Sorry, I wasn't aware that you only wanted to be told what you want to hear.

 

Great job mama! Don't worry about dds feelings or the fact that the social world has changed since you were in school! Just keep doing what you have been doing, your dd will appreciate so much that you stuck to your guns and refused to consider any opinions other than your own, especially not hers! I totes agree that 7 is too young to have valid feelings. I love the idea of the adults only game console! Maybe one day all the adults could have ice cream for dinner and your dd could eat broccoli!

 

Hey, maybe being the 'cool mom' will be her currency? After all, you have a kickass backyard and ART SUPPLIES! Tweens love nothing more than art supplies. I'm sure when she is 18, friendless and isolated, clothed in nothing but thrift store castoffs, lacking in any sort of technical literacy she will look back at the time when she was allowed to paint on her jeans with fond memories. 

 

PS good work on keep her de-sexualized. I saw a five year old hussy the other day, wearing earrings, nail polish AND a bracelet! What were her parents thinking!????!!!! Her skirt was so short I could see her ankles!!!!!!

 


Whoa, hold on a minute!  You seem to be responding to some imaginary person you made up based on your own parents and people you've argued with in the past, not to anything Loraxc actually said in this thread.

 

post #39 of 76
Thread Starter 
Never mind. Edited this post after I decided not to feed the troll. eyesroll.gif Post history can tell you a lot.
Edited by loraxc - 8/4/11 at 7:36am
post #40 of 76

 

This thread isn't just turning in a different direction, it's beginning to spiral  greensad.gif . 

 

Loraxc, for what it's worth, I think that you are on the right track by being thoughtful about your family's values and communicating them to your child. If you model and instill confidence in her about those values and choices, she's less likely to be troubled by envy of others or made to feel badly that anything is lacking in her life. I think giving a child confidence in herself and in a family's choices is the first step, before worrying about "cool stuff" she can use for currency herself. So I think that you have the right approach. 

 

When my children report to me about their friends' cool stuff, my tactic has always been to acknowledge their friends' good fortune, without any hint of envy or negativity. If it was something that my kids wanted for themselves, we brainstormed about it, if it was something that we agreed about. For example, when ds was about your dd's age, he wanted a hand-held game system, so we set up savings system for him. He eventually bought it with money he saved from allowance, birthdays and a matching amount from us. When the kids were a little older, we did the same things with iPods. When we bought a Wii, we found entertaining games like RockBand that encouraged multiple users to have fun together. When we moved into this house with almost no backyard, we bought a table tennis game for the basement and let ds and his band practice in the basement (at one point, with 2 full drum kits, no less!). The point was to find stuff that was consistent with our values, just as you are doing. If you keep looking, you will continue to find opportunities.  

 

I honestly think attitude - welcoming friends and encouraging (or at least tolerating) their play, encouraging positive attitudes without envy, acknowledging other's good fortune but recognizing your own - can mean just as much as being able to show off the latest cool gadget. 

 

 

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