I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this, moderators feel free to move it if needed.
I'm in a situation with my mother and need some words of wisdom. I hope this doesn't get too long.
I have a (functioning) alcoholic mother who I suspect has some kind of untreated mental illness.
My mother is giving me the silent treatment for the 3rd time in 3 years right now. It all started because I expressed some concerns I had with her attitude towards babysitting DS. I wrote her a message over facebook explaining how her attitude hurts me (speaking to her face to face is never the way to approach it). It was never an attack on her character, or her at all. Just a daughter telling her mother about something that's been bothering her. I usually bite my tongue and keep stuff in around my mom because my mother doesn't have strong conflict resolution skills, so most disagreements turn into huge, drawn out, dramatic ordeals.
Two years ago she ended a 30 year long friendship over a silly conflict. She turned the anger into hatred towards her ex friend and expected me to join her in the hatred. I tried to stay neutral (her ex friend is my godmother), my mother didn't like that, and emailed her ex friend to tell her to stop contacting me. I should probably stop here and point out that I'm a thirty year old mother and wife, not a child. When I called my mother to talk to her about it, she blew up (she was drinking) and didn't speak to me for 2 weeks and deleted me as a friend on facebook. When she finally responded to one of my emails, she wrote that she didn't see how our relationship could EVER be repaired because of the situation. It was heartbreaking. The next day she requested my friendship on facebook again and started sending me happy messages like nothing had ever happened. We never talked about it again, although she has given me the silent treatment once more (another 2 weeks) when she saw that her ex friend had sent DS a birthday present. She said I'm not "loyal" to her because I don't remove this person from my life. Keep in mind: The disagreement between them was about how flaky her friend was, nothing more. My godmother still wants a relationship with my mother, but my mother refuses.
Now here I am, getting the silent treatment again for expressing how I feel about something. My husband has told me not to pursue her this time (like I usually do) and just let her not speak to me. The first day or two I had severe anxiety about it and cried. Since then I've just been angry and think it's incredibly unfair to be treated this way, especially over such silly things. Adult relationships sometimes have conflict and disagreements, and adults work through them. My relationship with my mother isn't like that. In my thirty years, my mother has never once apologized to me for something she did or said. Everything is ALWAYS my fault. I either got upset for no reason, I'm too sensitive, or I'm mistreating her by taking out my stress on her. I'm starting to feel that this relationship isn't healthy for me.
When she fights with my sister, she's usually drunk, says something horrible and mean, then spends the next few days trying to make up with her. Yet, she never ever tries to fix it with me. I either have to grovel at her feet or apologize, and then she'll make me wait for forgiveness. Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong in a disagreement, I think giving me the silent treatment is an extreme and hurtful reaction.
I feel like this is her way of trying to control me. Which would mean it's a form of emotional abuse right? I just need some insight from someone outside of the family.
Thanks in advance.