August Heat - Is your Dating Life Scorching? Spill it! - Dating Thread! - Page 2

[mimim]

Originally Posted by chicaalegre 

In regard to K, who I've been casually dating for 3-4 months, I'm somewhat surprised by how protective of my children I feel with him around. My kids know him as a friend, since we've known each other for years, and we don't hang out with my kids often but we have occasionally. I'm seeing that I really am not ready for that yet--He is really good with my kids and he seems to like them a lot, and they like him too, but I am really uncomfortable. I don't want my kids to feel like he's a "special" person in my life. I don't want him to call my kids "sweetie," even if he is just being genuinely affectionate. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I really hate it. It just makes me think about how I miss my XH and I experiencing our kids together. I don't want K to feel like he's sharing my "kid moments" with me, because we ARE casual and not exclusive and...no. Not sure why I have such a strong negative reaction to this, but I'm just listening to it.

I know I would feel the same way in your circumstances. Is is possible to only see K when your kids aren't around? I don't want my kids involved at all with anyone I am dating unless I'm sure they are a priority in my life and sticking around for a long time. Even when I was dating someone I cared about deeply, I kept my kids out of it because he wasn't stable enough to be in their lives. He also was completely uninterested in them, which helped of course.

My pessimism might be waning. I just ended a 19 hour first date a little while ago. How's that for scorching August heat?

[JohnnysGirl]

19 hours?  Reminds me of last summer with me and Cucumber and our first 11 dates and that they would be 1-2 days rather than just a few hours.  

[chicaalegre]

I'm curious, what (if any) guidelines or rules or expectations do you all have for the first date? First couple of dates? This may be a vague question but I'm realizing that I feel like I DON'T KNOW HOW to do "grownup dating." The only "dating" I ever really did before getting married was hanging out with people in high school/college, going to parties, getting sexually involved really quickly, sort of "serial monogamy" and jumped-into "relationships." I have no desire to do that anymore, but I am just recently sort of redefining my boundaries. I used to think of myself as a very open, assertive, outgoing person--and I suppose that's the positive side of those character traits, but on the flip side I think I have had VERY poor boundaries in the past with men.

So now I'm 29, single mom of two (2 yr & 4 yr old), wanting to have fun but also REALLY wanting to attract mature, respectful, GOOD men. I don't want one night stands or flings, really--although I've done that and I don't think they are necessarily lacking in respect. I don't want to waste my time, I guess. I am not looking to get married again soon but I guess I don't really want to waste my time dating people with whom I see NO possibility of a more serious relationship, you know? 

So, what do you talk about on a first date? Do you keep it super light? Do you ask deep questions about values or future goals or what? I sort of feel like I want to think of my deal-breakers and then get those out of the way quickly. But, I also don't want to take this all too seriously, because really I just want to get to know new people and have fun. 

Whaddya think?

[JohnnysGirl]

Grown up dating?  Anything goes.  I like coffee for a first, low-key, brief (in the likely event that it's not that fabulous), and to leave both wanting more, where applicable.  Dinner for a longer, pour out stories, type of setting on a second date.  Intimacy--wooooh that is a much discussed minefield but if you ask me, the guy who will label you a whore for getting busy too soon, and pass you by after he indulged in the very same behavior, is a complete hypocrite and worth missing out on (and the sooner the better).  The guy who will appreciate you long term will be one who wouldn't play such silly labeling games anyway, nor overlook all the intriguing out-of-the-bedroom qualities that were obvious already, so I wouldn't worry about waiting an arbitrary amount of time before getting affectionate just to impress him with your chastity.  However, waiting at least a few weeks does certainly heighten the sparkle and fun of the first dates, as the tension hangs thick between you, and that feeling is just so fun and can never be gotten back once the relationship consummates and relaxes into the next phase, so I can't see the harm in prolonging the 'newness' tingle and postponing bedroom antics, for at least that reason. 

As for attracting a 'good guy'..... if I had the magic secret to that there would be no dating thread because I'd tell everyone here and we'd all be partnered up instantly!  I think you can't do much more than just focus inward like you're already doing and be self aware about the place you're at, what you're looking for and what you aren't, and then just sit back and take each situation as it comes and be prepared to figure things out on the fly.  There are no black and whites in dating, only a million different (often heartbreaking when there is so much 'right' and yet it's just not right) shades of gray.  Making sure you are accurately aware of what's going on inside yourself will often (but not always) help prevent accidentally sending out signals that indicate something counter to what you are actually interested in.  i.e. being clear with yourself that you are not looking for one night stands will help to make you less prone to be dazzled by an obvious smooth playboy type guy's hilarious opening one-liner and trappings, and he'll strike out with you rather quickly, as you sit back and wait for the true blue (but possibly hopeless with starting conversations with women) type with the kind eyes and timid smile.

After that, it's just trying to decipher each situation on a case by case basis and figure out what is working, and if anything crucial does not.  There are no perfect relationships or men, after all, but one thing that stuck with me from those clips on youtube from the 4-man-plan gal that one of you guys recommended is that there are two essential ingredients to look for in a mate:

1. Loving  (kind, honest, respectful, affectionate, blah blah blah)

2. Willing  (no games, hot & cold BS, commitment is nothing he fears, he is just there, ready, no 3 days between calls, no difficult to interpret sporadic texting habits, not easy to scare off, just shows up, again and again and again, no muss no fuss there he is, easy to read)

and everything in addition to that is just gravy.

That has rung quite true for me.  

[chicaalegre]

I went on a "first date" last night with a new guy. We've known each other as acquaintances for about 5 years, used to work together, and have several long time mutual friends. We just met at a park, walked around and had a picnic. It was fun. He's a single dad who has his kids about 50% of the time. I don't know if it will go anywhere, I kind of suspect not because we are pretty different, but who knows. He's handsome and funny and although he kind of comes off as "street smart but not educated," I think he actually has a lot of insight and discipline. I'm kind of curious about why he was interested in going out with me--it was just our first date so I didn't bother to ask, but he's Muslim and I am a big ol' Earth-worshipper. We have a lot in common in terms of parenting philosophies and interest in culture, language, anti-racist activism and maybe some politics, but I'm raising my daughter to dance naked in the forest and he's raising his daughter to wear hijab. Which, I suppose, is more cultural difference than spiritual/religious difference, and I can genuinely respect those differences.

Anyway, fun. Different. I like dating like this, with the purpose really just being to meet and learn about different people and to learn about what I want/don't want. No pressure to have a certain "kind" of relationship. I had preconceived notions about what "dating" and "relationships" had to look like, that there were only a few kinds, and I am just seeing more and more that there are as many types of relationships as there are people to have them with. 

[mimim]

Picnics in the park are my favorite date! I'm in the position where I don't know any dateable men - and all of my single friends are in the same boat - so I use the internet and the picnics are normally saved for past the first date.

To answer your earlier question, chicaalegre, I don't get heavy with the questions on first dates or hold any expectations at all. I normally speak about my kids very briefly and will address any topic that comes up in the conversation, but I think first dates are mostly a way to gauge chemistry and ease of conversation. I usually meet for coffee or drinks, sometimes dinner. Most of my first dates have lasted only an hour or two or three, but on occasion there is that guy who makes me feel like I'm not ready to leave so soon. Like this weekend.

And we've made plans to get together again tomorrow! I'm feeling rather anxious about being so excited about it. He did jump right in to ask me if I was busy tonight (kids home, so no) as soon as I sent him a little "hi. what's up?" text earlier, which is a good sign. And he seemed as happy with that amazing first date we had as I did. However, I have very little confidence in my appeal beyond basic physical attractiveness, but I'm older than him, so even that aspect isn't one I feel very confident about this time. I guess I shouldn't have let things get physical so fast, but I could not resist. As soon as he opened his mouth and said my name, I was done for. He has this accent which just melts me.

[ZoeyZoo]

I have a date with Funny Guy again later this evening. I love how he's always trying to fix everything for me and make my life much easier.

Last weekend some stuff in my kitchen broke right before I saw him and he instantly played Mr. Fix It Man without me even mentioning it. He just went to my toolbox, got what he needed, and fixed it. He also saw my trash can was full and took out the trash for me without asking. I can't count how many times I wake up in the morning and find my dog walked/fed and breakfast waiting for me.

Also I have to travel for work soon and it's too short to fly but it's a long drive. He instantly volunteered to watch my dog for me. He knows I am really nervous driving long distances - especially after my accidents late last year where one was heading in that direction and the other was near the area I need to travel to. I was going to take a train but the train station is about a 30 minute taxi ride away. I also considered going with a coworker who will be driving but if I leave when she leaves then I will not be able to pick up dd from school. He had been thinking about solutions and suggested driving me up to me meeting and taking my dog so he could walk him while I'm in the office.

Chica- Personally I like to keep first dates light. Something like coffee. The nice thing is you can always extend it or set up another one if it's going well. If it goes poorly you can leave quickly. I see it as getting to know each other, see if you have any chemistry, and begin to understand if they may be what you are looking for.

There are a couple of things I have learned through my dating years:

1. Look at your patterns and what worked with you and what didn't. It will help you formulate what you're looking for. Don't be afraid to ask hard questions up front. While it's unromantic it will help you find the best possible match quickly and discover deal breakers.

2. Once you know you want to see the person more than once establish subtly your rules, expectations, and boundaries. This is really difficult to do later. It will also help you determine if you both want the same things or type of relationship. I see this as the relationship "deal" phase where you negotiate the flow of things.

3. Most people are on their best behavior at the beginning but after about 3-6 months more and more of this will slip. Take notice of anything unusual or disturbing - especially if it's a pattern.

4. Pace your relationship. Be patient. Obviously most guys will want to rush it here to get to the sex. I'm quite sexually open minded but I do believe that a guy has to earn the right to be with you by being respectful, acting like a man, etc.

Barring specific issues like abuse or codependency, my favorite generic relationship/dating books are in order:

1. Temptations of a Single Girl

2. Are you the One for Me?

3. Act like a Lady Think Like a Man (this one is less about you and more about male behavior in a funny light way)

There is also a website called guyspeak.com I think is a good read about dating.

[Martha27]

So I am eager to date but not getting a lot of offers :( I met a guy at a friends wedding and really liked him- too much. I don't know what it is but it's been 3 weeks and I cannot get him out of my mind. we barely got to talk, only kissed (well I wouldnt say "only" it was reallll nice and lasted 20 minutes:) and I can't stop thinking I really want to see him again! well he friended me right away on the FB- wrote a message about how it was great to meet and he hoped to meet up again with his # at the end, then i messaged back the same kind of message, got one more message from him and then messaged him back with questions to try and spark convo- nothing back from him...it's been 17 days and no more contact. It has made me sad and I dont know why! I barely know him and he lives 600 miles away! what was I thinking would happen, we'd go for drinks?! So I am sad that he stopped talking to me and dont think I can try saying hi again b/c it's in his court now and he obviously wanted to end it.

So I have been trying to do the OKC thing again to get my mind off of that guy and continue down the road of dating but I need opinions on this profile thing. also messages- I suck at them, I keep winking and "hi-ing" guys I am interested in and they all ignore me :( do you guys have any catchy first message ideas I could use?

also can someone help me critique this part of my profile- it's about my kids, I want to get across what  am feeling about dating as a single mom without scaring guys away!

this is what I came up with

I am a single mom to 2 adorable kids- want to get that out there right off so all those not into dating a single mom can just move right along...although you will be missing out for sure ;) I am pretty cool... and modest if you couldn't tell :)
OK so I have kids- on that note I want to add that I am on here for me and do plan to keep my kids separate from my dating life until I get very serious with someone (if that ever happens!). But, really I don't have time or emotions to waste on guys that somewhere down the road would not be cool with having my kids around and inevitably having them in their life. (bear in mind it would be a far off somewhere, I don't plan to introduce anyone to my kids for at least 6+ months just to give you an idea on where I'm coming from) I am new to single mom dating and have decided that I really want to get to know someone well and develop an "us" before adding in kids and what will come with that. Not that I won't ever mention them or talk about them, I am a proud mom and sometimes tend to brag :)

So have a officially scared off every single guy out there? oh good someone is still reading- OK onto the stuff about me:

then I talk about me :) is this good or weird sounding?

[mimim]

Martha, tone it down. "Hope that doesn't scare you off" and "still reading" are cliches. Mention the kids, maybe say something really brief about how you prefer them to be kept in the dark about your dating activities, but that you might share a cute story about your little ones with a date. Keep it very short. If you talk about them too much it makes it seem like you don't really mean that you aren't looking for a new daddy. And yeah. Lots and lots of guys run in the opposite direction when they find out you have kids. It's just a fact. Nothing we can say will make them change their minds about that.

When I write to men, I ask them about whatever it is they seem most passionate about in their profile or whatever strikes me the strongest about them. If they are an artist, I ask about their art. And so forth. I often go so for as to ask for writing sample or pictures or book recommendations. Plus, my profile really really says who I am and what to expect from me, but not completely explicitly. It's a really good idea to look at other women's profiles to get ideas. If you PM me, I'll send you a link so you can read it and I'd be willing to look at yours and critique it if you want. I've had a really high response rate with the current incarnation of my profile. I <3 OkC.

[Martha27]

Originally Posted by mimim 

Martha, tone it down.

haha told you I suck at this!! :) ok just worked on the profile and i think it's better now, simple but not cliche-y. side note- I love all the "visitors" you get each time you change anything on your profile or answer a question publicly with an explanation!

next I will practice my message skills and message 2 guys before bedtime! updates to follow- hopefully in the form of dishing about super hot date with super hot, nice, man that I snag with my awesome message skills!

[Moochie Mamma]

I will never understand men... I was seeing a guy for a couple weeks.  It got intense really quickly, then he ended it saying he's not ready for a relationship, doesn't want to hurt me by getting into something too quickly.  (This is the guy I mentioned a while ago who is a friend of my ex, his ex is a friend of mine, who I've known for a few years but never thought anything about until recently.)  I was heading out of town the day he told me this, we texted a couple times while I was gone then ran into each other the night I got back.  We ended up hooking up again that night, he's telling me I'm so beautiful, he loves hanging out with me, isn't this romantic (we were on a rooftop under the full moon), then as we were saying goodnight he says again that he's not ready for a relationship.  OUCH!!  We've texted a few times since then, and had lunch today.  We had some pretty serious talk about our lives and why he's not ready for something- he's not making much money, stressed about his ex and kids etc... I told him I'm juggling the same exact stuff so I totally get it but am sad bc I think we could have something really good.  He said he felt like he needed to end it with me before he fell in love with me any more than he already was.   I had told him last week in a text that I know we will run into each other again (we have many mutual friends and live in a small town) but that I can't sleep with him anymore if he doesn't want something real with me.  We have so much in common, amazing chemistry (we made out for a while after lunch- we can't seem to keep our hands off each other), get along great, an incredible connection.  He says his voice of reason tells him not to get into a relationship right now, I told him to tell his voice of reason to f___ off (hehehe).  Why the heck wouldn't a guy want to be with someone he is so into and admits he's falling for?  I haven't had this kind of connection (physical and emotional) with someone maybe ever. 

I really like this guy and want something serious with him but I don't want to wait around for something that may never happen.  I told him today let's just give it a chance he said let's keep hanging out and see what happens (but I made it clear I can't separate physical and emotions with him so I won't sleep with him anymore if we're not "together").  There's another guy I know who has expressed interest in me and who I like but don't know well who I hung out with at a party Sat night... I don't know if I should wait around for the first guy or give the 2nd guy a chance?  It's a small town and I wouldn't be surprised if they even know each other.  They were both at a friend's bday party the night I met the 2nd guy a few months ago.

[mimim]

Moochie, he's clearly told you that he doesn't want a relationship. My (very biased) guess is that he would like to have a NSA "booty call" arrangement with you and is being manipulative to get it. That's obviously not what you are saying you want with him. Find someone who wants the same things as you, even if it takes a long time. Easier said than done, I know.

Martha, everybody is bad at online dating at first! It takes practice. Have fun with it while you figure it out. And it sounds like you are!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by mimim 
 My (very biased) guess is that he would like to have a NSA "booty call" arrangement with you and is being manipulative to get it. That's obviously not what you are saying you want with him. Find someone who wants the same things as you, even if it takes a long time. Easier said than done, I know.
 

  I agree.    Sorry.  Move on.

[ZoeyZoo]

Martha -

I guess it depends on your view as some people don't want to meet predators who look for women with kids. I would just list it in your profile under the stats (OKC has the "has kids" one). If you want to put anything in there just keep it short. Something simple like I'm a mom and a student. If you want to elaborate at all you can do that during the messaging. In my experience most will ask something like how old or boy/girl.

For the message my personal pet peeve is 'Hi' or 'How are you doing?' because it gives you nothing to work with on a response and makes it look like you just saw the pic. I would just use something that you found nice about their profile. For example it says something like I love this book. You could message them something like "I really love author XYZ. How did you discover his books?"

Moochie -

To me it sounds like guy #1 is just looking for something fun with you. If he can't get it together and be a real man for you then I would keep exploring with guy #2. I think you did a great job saying you won't be physical with him anymore unless he decides to pursue you seriously. Now you need to stick to it and just forget him. I totally expect him to periodically call you to play on your desire for a relationship so he can get some sex. I don't know why they do this but I have seen it so many times.

[Oh the Irony]

Martha27,

I would suggest taking the whole thing out. It really goes into the future a lot even though you have disclaimers. That's not what guys want to hear right from the start. They aren't thinking six months down the road!! You need to get the dates first--and I wouldn't go into all that until you've had 3 or 4 dates with someone or are exclusive.  It's TMI and nothing they need to know at first. People need to earn your information. Don't just throw it all out there. It could seem like you are planning a future prematurely. Just my opinion... 

If you do keep something in then I suggest putting it at the end instead of leading with it, keeping it short (like 2-3 sentences) and taking out the "single" part. Just say you are a mom. "Single mom" is understood because you are listed as single but it does have some negative stereotypes attached. Unfortunate but true. 

Internet dating is not for the faint of heart. It requires a tough skin. Good luck!

[Moochie Mamma]

Yep you guys are right...it's hard to avoid him though bc we have so many mutual friends...going to a show tonight and a bday party tomorrow that I know he'll be at, and we already had plans to go to a show next week. We talked yeaterday about going as just friends but I'm thinking of cancelling and inviting someone else like the 2nd guy or a girlfriend (I bought the tix months ago and invited him when we were dating a month ago).

[Moochie Mamma]

I am such an idiot for falling for his charm.  At the show tonight he started hugging and kissing another woman (who a friend saw him with on Sat but wasn't sure if they were on a date or not) about 15 FEET FROM ME!!!!!!  And yes he knew I was right there bc I had just seen her with him and walked up and told him I do NOT want to go to Ben Harper with him next week in fact I don't want to see him bc it's too hard.  He left for a bit then came back (she was a ways in front of him dancing) and I looked over at him and he smiled at me!!!!  I looked away then texted him "i feel like a fool, like you played me. do you really think it's cool to make out with someone else right in front of me after all the shit you said yesterday????"  I wanna crawl in a hole and cry for a year Then I was leaving early when I realized my friend's keys were in my purse so I had to make my way back through the crowd to find her and walked right by the guy, that girl, and my ex who has been a complete UAV to me lately. 

Edited by Moochie Mamma - 8/18/11 at 10:15pm

[mimim]

Moochie, That must hurt a lot. What a jackass.

[Martha27]

Moochie- I'm sorry, that must feel awful. That's just a sucky thing to do, why are guys such D-bags! I know this is easier said then done but don't waste too many tears on that one and move onto the next- you deserve someone who will treat you much better than that!

[crazyms]

Hey everybody! I'm back lol. Wow! It looks like a whole new group except for butterfly! Sorry but things have been absolutely crazy here for some time and I didn't feel like I should be posting since I made a catastrophic mistake and got back with the stbx! Ugh! So here's an update:

I had gotten back with the stbx I think mostly for the comfort and security because being single just got to be wayyy too much stress on me. Big mistake and I'm now trying to get out of it again. He's gone off to work so never here and will hopefully sign papers for me in about a week but I still have a long journey to end it. Agh!

If ANYone happens to remember I had a really hot fling back a couple summers ago with "Brady". It went on and off for a little over a year and .... oops I got pregnant! We have a beautiful 4 mo old baby girl that he has decided not to have anything to do with. The stbx is on her birth cert since we were legally married (getting pregnant stopped the divorce legally and that's how we ended up getting back together since we couldn't divorce til after her birth) and is saying he's gonna stay claiming her but idk. So... I'm now the single mama of 3 kids and have no idea what I'm doing anymore. This divorce and everything with it is going to take me a while and I'm just taking it day by day hoping it will eventually be over because I'm way too unhappy with him to ever fix it. I tried and I just can't.

New news though since the new split... an old bf has found me and started talking again. He's 'the one' that I always wanted... can u say first love and first lover? I was ecstatic the first couple of weeks talking to him again and he went quickly back to wanting things to get serious (as soon as the divorce is final) and back to where we were at before. He's talking about wanting me to move with him, marry him, everything. I was really thrilled but I'm rethinking it now. He was the one I always wanted but I think now that things have changed too much over the years for us to mesh well and me be happy with him. I feel like I'll have to give up too much of what I've become to be who he thinks I am if that makes sense. So I really don't know how that is going to work but I really think I'm going to end up getting out of it. I just don't know if I can/want to give up some of the things I'd have to give up with him.

And for even more drama and fun LOL.... I went back to work part time and there's a new guy there. I really think he has a thing for me and he seems like a good potential so we shall see. I'm taking a breather for now trying to sort some things out and get the divorce progressed further before I try a relationship again but I wish I could find someone good to entertain me and keep me from going crazy in the meantime. Hope things are going well for everyone. And butterfly... I'm soooo glad you finally found someone great!!! You deserve it!