Can I vent, for just a second?

[ihugtrees]

Sigh.

I've been separated from my husband for 10 months, but known my marriage was over for a long time, unfortunately. 3 months ago, my XDH received orders from the Navy to go to Japan for TWO YEARS. I am 3,000 miles from my hometown and family...but unfortunately they don't understand or agree with my parenting or lifestyle and provide mostly conditional love...so even if I were close by, I don't feel like I'd really have the support I wanted. My friends in my current city are great...but they are either living single, childless lives, or they have a husband and often other children...so their focus is different. I'm just feeling very alone in my parenting journey.

I'm a nanny, so I bring my daughter with me to work. I have always loved that aspect of my work because I loved spending so much time with her, but lately I'm feeling like my entire life, 24/7 is all about toddlers. My passions and interests (nutrition and cooking, politics and social issues, for starters) are completely on the back burner because I either lack the time, money, or energy to really dive into them. I want to change career paths but all I've done for years now is care for children, and not only am I worried about job prospects, but I'm terrified of such a gigantic change. At the same time, sometimes I feel just completely STARVING for more intellectually stimulating conversation/adult companionship. Yet I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed with my life now, I can't imagine how I'd manage a job that was more demanding or more hours than my part time nanny gig.

On top of this, my daughter and I are having some major sleep conflicts lately. She had some sleep problems from 8-14 months, but then things improved dramatically, and she was sleeping 12 hours a night + 1.5-2 hr naps! Even after she and I left her dad and moved, then moved again she was still sleeping fairly predictably and with only occasional/minor issues. However, when we moved again into more permanent housing and she got a toddler bed (several months before her dad left, by the way, so not spurred by that), she decided she no longer wanted to sleep. It takes me between 1.5-3 hours to get her to sleep at night, and whether I start that routine at 6:30 pm or wait until 9 pm (or anywhere in between) it still takes that long and is this giant, frustrating struggle of her asking for one more drink of water, one more hug, telling me she needs a diaper change, etc etc...and me putting her back in bed over and over again, after already spending 30+ minutes on our bedtime routine before I even put her in bed, and all of this at the end of the day when I'm just SO SPENT that I desperately need her to just SLEEP for me. She even tells me, "I sleepy, mama!" while sucking her thumb. If I try to lay with her, she climbs all over me, starts jumping, etc. She won't sleep in a baby carrier or stroller. The car SOMETIMES works...and sometimes I drive around for over an hour but she is still awake, and finally give up because I can't afford the gas that takes every night. Her nap is almost always far easier, but on the days when I have to fight with her to get her to nap, the entire rest of the day is ruined. And, yes, I've tried just not forcing it. But she gets more and more wound up, overtired, and unable to still her body, until we are both going batty. I end up so frustrated with her, sometimes yelling at her, when I'm putting her back in bed for the 15th time in one night (she isn't usually crying or upset during all of this, by the way.) That anger irrationally carries over into the next day, particularly if she happened to wake during the night and/or wake up grumpy/screamy in the morning. It is unfair to her, and I know this, but I'm just so completely burned out that I don't know what to do. It is definitely negatively affecting our relationship though. I spend the entire afternoon dreading bed time, every single day...

I find myself so angry sometimes, that I'm dealing with this alone. And yet, whenever he was here and took her on weekends, she slept with absolutely NO ISSUE for him (and she still does this for my babysitter) and he acted like I was a crazy person for being frustrated. So I know even if I had my XDH as a coparent, it wouldn't be a solution. I just feel so cheated out of a happy family, and a supportive partnership. I know that if I had that kind of support, this situation wouldn't feel so suffocating, and I wouldn't be so burned out...I wonder, all of the time, why I couldn't have married someone who loved and respected me? Why didn't I have a baby with someone that would be here with me through all of this? I keep trying to tell myself that I DIDN'T and that I can't change it now and I need to learn to accept where I am now instead of dwelling on 'what ifs?' Yet when it is late at night and I'm completely fried, thoughts like this come to me, and as much as I love my daughter and would NEVER, EVER change having her, I feel so sad that it is like this, and I know that's not the way parenting was meant to be.

[Martha27]

hugs to you! I could have written that exact post with a few minor changes. My ex is not in the military and only lives 2 hours away but it might as well be across the world the way he fusses and fights about how he has to drive so far to pick up his kids! he doesn't take them often and I am filing for full custody of the kids anyway b/c he is a selfish person who isn't very good at parenting :/ he also hasn't been helping me out financially and I am so tired of being poor and having to scrape by that I have come to the relization that I also need a job change to advance my career and start making more money for myself and kids. I have a 4 year degree but was a stay at home mom for most of the years since I graduated college so my work experience is not impressive :/

I also have a 3 year old son who hasn't gone to bed since I put him in a toddler bed at 2 years (also before dad left). Every night it is the same struggle that you described- as I type this he is still NOT sleeping!! I have to say that lately he has had some good nights and that has helped my sanity SOOOOOO much. I really feel you though- it is such a major frustration when they just wont lay down and sleep!! I do work away from my kids all day but my job is very physically demanding (landscaping) and I get home dirty and tired everyday and just want to chill and go to bed early!

*I just feel so cheated out of a happy family, and a supportive partnership. I know that if I had that kind of support, this situation wouldn't feel so suffocating, and I wouldn't be so burned out...I wonder, all of the time, why I couldn't have married someone who loved and respected me? Why didn't I have a baby with someone that would be here with me through all of this? I keep trying to tell myself that I DIDN'T and that I can't change it now and I need to learn to accept where I am now instead of dwelling on 'what ifs?' Yet when it is late at night and I'm completely fried, thoughts like this come to me, and as much as I love my daughter and would NEVER, EVER change having her, I feel so sad that it is like this, and I know that's not the way parenting was meant to be. *

this part of your post really spoke to me- it is exactly what I have been feeling lately and it sucks! I can't drag myself out of this funk and I just want to have that happy feeling again that I had right after I finally left my ex (I actually also left my husband about 10 months ago after about 2 years of bad marriage). i know I did the right thing leaving him and I try to remind myself of what i have learned from my decision to marry him and that in the end although it might have been the wrong decision in the long run it did give me the children I have today and that EVERYTHING happens for a reason! I really believe this -that the path we take and choices we make are all leading us to our destiny and must happen. It's what keeps me going when things get super sucky :)

keep plugging along- know you are not alone and there is a silver lining for us somewhere out there!! :)