Do you let your older kid (6-9 yr old) win at games?

[kathymuggle]

Do you let your older kid (6-9 yr old) win at games - such as board games?  Assume you are playing alone with them - so there is no sibling to rant about unfairness.

Poll time!  Please explain why you do as you do.

I would say I let my youngest win about 1/4 of the time.  I try to arrange the games so we are equal players (example - if we are playing a word game like boggle, she is allowed 2 letter words while I am not) but that is not always possible.  

I do like her to win occasionally as I think it encourages her (I remember playing games as a child where all I did was lose and it was very discouraging).

I play to the best of my abilities most of the time as it is important to learn how to lose graciously, but also to learn that experience and practice does help.

[FarmerBeth]

I had to vote other.  I don't let my children win (they are 11, 9 and 7), but I do narrate what my strategy is as I am playing and in the beginnings of their playing a new game (I especially did this with chess), if I notice a mistake I'll say "take a look at that move again and see if it makes sense".  I sometimes also ask them to verbalize their strategy.  Once they're comfortable, we all verbalize less, and if they get good enough, I stop warning them to look again.   I also sometimes pair the stronger player at a game with a weaker player for a two against two game or with the stronger player mentoring.  And we make sure to mix up the types of games (word games, cards, strategy, spatial) to allow for all of us to have a go at being the strongest (I am actually not always the strongest - my seven year old is now a better chess player than any of us than DH, who had a similar childhood chess knack).

[ollyoxenfree]

Yes, I'd let them win, however more often with a 6 y.o. than a 9 y.o. It's been a while since my dc were in that age group, so I'm going on memory here. 

I'm sure there are all sorts of sound psychological developmental arguments against letting them win too often. If I had a kid who was obsessed with winning and had extreme reactions to losing, I'd probably take a different approach about it. If it was a problem, most likely I'd start with playing more non-competitive games (which we often did, too).  

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

 If I had a kid who was obsessed with winning and had extreme reactions to losing, I'd probably take a different approach about it. If it was a problem, most likely I'd start with playing more non-competitive games (which we often did, too).  

OT:  you have described older daughter (12).  I will likely do a spin off on it!

Edited to add:  I have 3 kids, only one has difficulty with losing, and i think it is more to perfectionism and "having to be the best at everything" rather than because I let her win say 25% of the time when she was younger.

Edited by kathymuggle - 8/5/11 at 3:22pm

[rhianna813]

My DS is 7 and we do love games, but I avoid letting him win. There seem to be 3 types of games we play. Cooperative ones where everyone helps each other get the to the end -  winning isn't as fun as the journey or defeating a common obstacle. Competitive games that rely on luck more than strategy - this is pretty much an even playing field and I try to explain that at the beginning. We tend to not like these types as they get old fast.

And competitive games that are all strategy - with these types there are loads of learning and mastery that can happen. I generally even the playing field by first not playing to the death as a would with DH hahaha. And making the game harder for me or offering help to DS if he asks. He has no problems asking for help or advise or offering to help me if he sees me getting behind.

I believe playing cooperative games has helped our general game enjoyment and toned down the overly competitivness to "beat the other players".

Here are some games we love: WildCraft, Jr Monopoly, Connect Four, Lego Minotaurus, Blockus, The Amazing Labyrinth, Into the Forrest, Max the Cat, The Garden Game, Scrabble and Memory match.

[mamazee]

Let me tell you the story of a boy I know whose parents let him win. Oh wait, not a long story, now that I think about it, so I won't bother. He expects to be allowed to win, even when he's playing with other kids who would also like to win. It drives every other kid crazy, and no one likes to play with him. I don't want my daughter to think she's entitled to always win, I don't want her to be a bad sport with other kids, and I don't want her to get that competitive, where winning is the most important part of the game, so we just play and whoever wins wins.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

Let me tell you the story of a boy I know whose parents let him win. Oh wait, not a long story, now that I think about it, so I won't bother. He expects to be allowed to win, even when he's playing with other kids who would also like to win. It drives every other kid crazy, and no one likes to play with him. I don't want my daughter to think she's entitled to always win, I don't want her to be a bad sport with other kids, and I don't want her to get that competitive, where winning is the most important part of the game, so we just play and whoever wins wins.

You don't almost always win by virtue of age with games like chess or Scrabble?  

She is Ok with that - she doesn't become frustrated from losing all.the.time  (of course it is good to loose some of the time!)?

[mamazee]

She doesn't get frustrated if she seldom to never wins against my husband or myself, but she usually plays against other kids. She isn't competitive at all.

[Mummoth]

I voted rarely... it depends what we're playing. If it's something like Memory or Battleship, I try my hardest because otherwise they'll totally skunk me. If it's a game like Kadoo or Sorry, I out in a reasonable effort but prolong the game by not always making the best move for myself... but I give the reason that I'm still having fun, and want the game to last longer. I don't think there's anything wrong with them know ing that I could have won, but having fun is more important to me. When they were younger, I used to let them win... like, if we were playing Go Fish, I'd leave my cards face up and go get a drink, or 'accidentally' drop them... but they're too smart and see through tricks like that now.

[LynnS6]

Sometimes -- I don't want to teach my kids that they're entitled to win, but it's no fun to play if they lose all the time.

[kathymuggle]

Anyone have any good recommendations for co-operative (preferably easy-to-find) games?

TIA!

[transylvania_mom]

I never let ds win, but he sometimes wins anyways. But I don't play to the best of my abilities. I don't make mistakes intentionally, but if I can chose between two moves, I always chose the one less advantageous for me.

I remember my dad letting me win, at first I was super happy, then I felt disappointed and lied to.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom 

I never let ds win, but he sometimes wins anyways. But I don't play to the best of my abilities. I don't make mistakes intentionally, but if I can chose between two moves, I always chose the one less advantageous for me.

I am not sure how this is not letting someone win.  

I never deliberately make mistakes either, but I do a bunch of things to level the playing field, and sometimes it does a feel like letting someone win.  

[onlyzombiecat]

Sometimes.
Usually it is just not trying as hard as I could or ignoring an occasional opportunity or giving dd a hint or a good move rather than totally throwing the game.

I do think it is discouraging to play a game with someone who is older and much better at games and always lose. I don't think there is a great deal of pleasure in someone obviously losing on purpose always either though. I want dd to enjoy playing games as a family activity. "Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't" is the lesson I want her to have. I want her to see dh and I handle our wins and losses graciously.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

Anyone have any good recommendations for co-operative (preferably easy-to-find) games?

TIA!

Kadoo has some cooperation... part of the game is cards with pictionary/ charades/ or make something with playdoh and everyone guesses. The person who guesses gets to put a piece on the board with the person who draws or whatever. You have to get 4 pieces in a row to win, and some of the cards you do by yourself, so a very competitive kid might still get caught up in that. 

[A&A]

If it's something hard like Scrabble........I'll help ds (9) with words.  That's not the same as letting him win, though.  At chess, he beats me 50% of the time, fair and square, without me helping him at all. 

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I am not sure how this is not letting someone win.  

Because sometimes I still win, even if I don't play to the best of my abilities. :)

I see letting a child win as deliberately making mistakes to let him win. For example, ds's grandma "forgets" it's her turn, or doesn't count properly, and lets him win every time.

But you know your child best, and you know what's best for him/her. Ds has some issues with always winning, or being first, so I try to balance his perspective a bit, without descouraging him.

Edited by transylvania_mom - 8/6/11 at 10:09am

[Parker'smommy]

I must be the only one that doesn't have to try to lose...lol. Seriously, my kids beat me most of the time....because they are better than me at the game. :)

[FarmerBeth]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

Anyone have any good recommendations for co-operative (preferably easy-to-find) games?

TIA!

Our favorite cooperative game is actually Dungeons and Dragons.  Because DH is being referee and story teller as the Dungeon Master, we get to control the content and overall flavor of the game.  The children's characters work together as a party to overcome the obstacles in the story line.

Family Pastimes has a lot of lovely cooperative board games for ages from 4 to adult.  My children loved Harvest Time when they were little, and there are game themes ranging from forest, traveling, farms,  animals, fantasy, etc.  They have a website and the games are also available in some educational supply stores and many Waldorf education supply stores.

Tangrams are fun to play cooperatively, as everyone works on the puzzle together to determine how the shapes are made.

We usually play Bananagrams competitively (it's like a free-form scrabble) but we sometimes also play it cooperatively by working together building up the intersecting words with the aim of using every tile piece if possible.  If you don't own Bananagrams, you can use your scrabble pieces off the board to do the same thing.

[mamazee]

Our favorite games are bananagrams too, and apples to apples. We aren't competitive people at all. There is also some battleship, connect four, monopoly, a;nd various other games played. People often don't keep track of who wins, dont' care, or, in the case of monopoly, seldom even finish a game. LOL.