How do you/would you handle this?

[BRmama]

Warning long

Okay, just wondering what all of you would do in this situation. Well here's some background: We're very AP here with our two kids.I have a two year old, and an eight month old. We're also raising our kids in the waldorfy style. Right now my two year old is really into dogs and horses. We have two dogs that he absolutely adores (they're still puppies). So a lot of times he loves to act like a dog and he's got a vivid imagination. So we're often doing little puppy shows and acting them out. His favorite show right now and about the only thing he'll watch is Clifford on pbs.

Okay so I mentioned earlier that we have two puppies, they're about four months and we're still crate training them. They're basically potty trained. We're also working with a trainer to help us train them. They're very well groomed and hardly ever shed (their breed was designed not to shed)

Fast forward to recently. My family came over to my house and saw my son playing and going in their crate. Suddenly I'm hearing "I can't believe you're letting him go in the crate" "go take him out, it is full of germs, especially because he's never been vaccinated" " I can't believe it doesn't bother you!" (Now to those of you that don'thave dogs they don't like to pee or poop in their crate). We keep their crate very clean and their bedding inside is always dried. The other thing my son does that seems to bother people a lot is that he'll get whatever snack he's eating (he'll do this with usually his fruits like grapes and crackers) and throw them on the floor and eat them like our dogs. (He only does this in our living room carpet, he doesn't do it in public). Then as if that's not bad enough when people are over at my house they think they have a right to tell him no! Besides my family and friends we have a couple (close friends of my family) that are renting our basement until she gives birth to her baby. She also thinks she has a right to discipline my son and tell him no when he's doing this. Then he looks at me and I let him continue and that's it.

So does the fact that he does this bother me? No (I don't like that he does it but it doesn't bother me), I like to pick my battles with him. Also we vaccum our carpet every other day and our house is always clean, and everyone that comes over takes their shoes off. One thing I need to make clear is he doesn't do this with actual food, just his snacks. Do I like that he does this, no I don't but I'm glad he doesn't do it out in public. Also we did set boundaries for him. We caught him drinking from their water bowl and it only took one time disciplining him and he's never done that again. But what drives me insane is the fact that other people think they have a right to discipline my child in front of me in my own home! Then I have to hear things like, "oh they practice that weird ap thing, or I would have spanked already" and we do not spank.So I guess my concerns are, would your child doing this bother you, and how do you deal with other people disciplining your child in front of you? I'd like to think that since I gave birth to my son that only I and my dh have the right to discipline him, and also that he has a right to act like any animal he wants in his own home.

If you've read this far thank you :)

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Hahahahaha, I would love to see the looks on these peoples faces if they came to my house. Oh my gosh, I'm laughing so hard right now.

They need to get a life. You're not doing anything wrong. As far as people disciplining my kids...I'm generally pretty lax as far as that's concerned, but the only people who ever try to direct them are my MIL, SIL, my mother and my best friend who is like a sister. They ALL have almost identical values when it comes to the kids and so it's gentle, gentle all around and before any of them direct my kids they always sort of look at me for cues as to "should I step in" etc. The people in our family community all understand that we are NOT hover-bot parents, that we let our kids explore and that unless something is actually and truly unsafe....we let them find out how things feel, what happens if they "xyz" on their own.

I like having a community of people directing them, because I believe that is the way it should be. I don't like the idea of me and DH being the only people allowed to tell them what to do, because they have a whole circle of people around them that care about them and are extremely invested in their lives....these are all respectable people and we value them very much...they are worthy of our childrens love and respect and through their tireless patience and love have earned the right to be guiding forces in our chidlrens life.

I don't get the same vibe, though, from the situation you are talking about and do not think I would EVER be cool with someone with values so far away from my own, telling my kid what to do. This whole "ew ew germs" thing would be over before it hit the front door in my house. I don't take kindly to that nonsense. The whole "oh my gadz, he's not vaxxed, keep him in a bubble" thing is so annoying and completely idiotic that I don't even want to get started. Suffice it to say, No, I wouldn't be cool with that. The woman in your basement...same thing.

Again, I'm really laid back about people telling my kids what to do. They tend to get the difference between mama telling them what to do and some well meaning fuss-pot getting wound up over something that doesn't matter. My DD does, anyway, and she has pretty much perfected the art of politely deferring to mama.

The reason I'm as laid back as I am, is because this whole entire world is full of people who wanna tell you what to do and give you lame advice. It's also full of people who could give you good advice if you asked. I'm actively trying to instill in my children the ability to listen politely to bad advice and resist the inclination to become frazzled and confused on their path by it....while at the same time, being able to detect the tone and intentions of people who have well thought out, intelligent, good advice that could really help them.

If you shield them from people who would seek to boss them around, they are not going to know how to handle it when people do the same thing later and they are old enough to be out of your ear shot or at gramas for the weekend or whatever.

All that said, I would absolutely take these people aside and be like "Hey, please stop making a big deal out of zyx, it drives me crazy and it's not the way feel about that around here" - gently, but firmly.

My main frustration with your situation is not that they are directing your kid...but that the comments they are making (about your nonvaxxing and parenting style) are sniping and undermining.  That crap has to stop. Today.

[crunchy_mommy]

You can just simply look the other person in the eyes & say something like, "I will handle this," or "I've got this under control, please don't worry about it." That should be pretty clear, direct, and not rude or anything. If they persist, you need to tell them straight up that you do not want them to discipline your child.

As far as would those things bug me... well, the food on the floor thing wouldn't, though I might at least encourage him to put in in a bowl ("dog dish") since the dogs (presumably!) eat from a dish, and that would cut down on food directly on the floor. We do eat food we've dropped on the floor but try to discourage deliberately putting food down on carpet or whatever because I wouldn't want grapes ground into my carpet. OH and grapes are toxic to dogs so you want to make sure the dogs aren't around when he does it!

The dog crate thing would worry me, because dogs need a safe place to retreat to. If there is a toddler climbing in & out of their crate, then it's not "theirs" anymore... I just think it would set up a weird power dynamic with the dogs and could lead to behavioral issues or even aggression. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable about dogs can elaborate. I have let DS play in a dog crate, though -- only with a dog we were watching for a week, and it was a 3lb (fully-grown) dog that was incredibly docile and couldn't have done any damage anyway. I'm not sure it was a wise decision but I wasn't worried about germs or anything at least.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

My son crawls around on my MILs garage floor all day long with his toungue hanging out.  The garage part is the only part that bothers me.  When he does it at home, I think its cute as heck.  I tell him to come on over so I can scratch his ears.  hmmmmm, guess I never considered that I might be doing something wrong by encouraging this behavior. 

If we had a real dog with a cage, you can bet money that I would find Matthew in there every chance he got.  When we go to BILs house, Matthew is always wanting to go in there.   I just consider it pretend play.  Sometimes he roars like a lion too.  LOL So thats my opinion on the behavior.

As for the people in your family with the opinions, my creedo tends to be opnions are like hiney's, everybody has one. 

[Linda on the move]

I think you should shoot some video of all this because it sounds REALLY cute and like something he'll out grow before long.

I'd most likely get him a bowl to be his "dog dish" because I personally wouldn't care for the eating off the floor thing, but I think pretending to be an animal is a sweet and fun part of being a small child.

I'd also set some very clear boundaries with people who think they have a right to tell your child what is and isn't OK. You could try the "my house -- my rules" line. Your renters have ZERO right to tell your child what to do. They are totally out of line. 

Edited by Linda on the move - 8/5/11 at 6:59am

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Ohhhh, IDEA!!!!  Lightbuld just went off in my head.  Maybe you could get a giant box, set it up on its side on the floor and put one of his blankies in it, maybe even drawn lines on it to resemble a cage, and tell him this is HIS crate.  That way it might deter him from going into the dogs. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ 

Ohhhh, IDEA!!!!  Lightbuld just went off in my head.  Maybe you could get a giant box, set it up on its side on the floor and put one of his blankies in it, maybe even drawn lines on it to resemble a cage, and tell him this is HIS crate.  That way it might deter him from going into the dogs. 

This is an awesome idea!

I mentioned the issue with the crate because we had to rehome our beloved dog due to aggression. I think I failed in being careful about drawing boundaries for the dog and although we didn't use a crate, I think it would contribute to the same thing... I hate to see anyone else deal with what we had to deal with.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ 

Ohhhh, IDEA!!!!  Lightbuld just went off in my head.  Maybe you could get a giant box, set it up on its side on the floor and put one of his blankies in it, maybe even drawn lines on it to resemble a cage, and tell him this is HIS crate.  That way it might deter him from going into the dogs. 

I think that's a great idea.

We don't let our kids in the dog crate, but not because of germs (I really hadn't even thought of that) but because that's her space and I don't think they need to be in it.  I probably wouldn't allow the food throwing either.  Can you just dump it in a bowl and that's his dog bowl?

Beyond that, put your foot down.  These are your kids and your house, don't let others tell them what to do.
 

[hildare]

if it were me, i would wait but have a conversation with the basement folks and your family on separate occasion.  i'd wait until the kid wasn't around and just simply say something like " i need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me a little." and then go on to describe that you realize they mean well but that it undermines your parenting goals when they correct your child in front of you.  ask that they stop.  explain, if you like, why you allow the kid to do what you do-- and that your philosophy is more to observe and only stop potentially dangerous behavior and maybe even outline how and why.  if you don't want to go into particulars, then don't, but it may be helpful for your basement neighbor to see how parenting can be done. 

i would absolutely not tolerate anyone interfering with my parenting choices in my own home, and while you probably don't want to be agressive (thus have the convo later at a convenient and relaxed time around coffee or whatever) you do need to establish with both your family and your friend that you have put effort and thought into raising your child and you have reasons, knowledge, and the ability to do so. 

btw:  did you know grapes are poisonous to dogs?  i know you weren't feeding grapes to the dog but just so you know.  my kid licks our disgusting outside dog, not a clean kenneled inside dog.  there aren't really too many germs that can transfer.  i think you'd know if your dogs were feeling rabid ;)

[swd12422]

The only thing that raises any flags for me in your OP is letting a child in a dog's crate. We don't have a crate for our dog, but most things I've read about crates is that you should NEVER let a kid in a dog crate, for the reasons a PP stated above.

If you're not concerned about germs (from the floor, dog bowls, crate, whatever) then blow that stuff off. (And know that as soon as your son gets the flu or a cold, it'll be because of DOG GERMS!!)

I do like the idea of making him his own crate. That way, he stays safe, the dogs maintain their own space, and he gets to fulfill his doggie-ness.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

OK, this never happens.  Do I get something special for coming up with such a great idea?

[BRmama]

Thank you everyone for the replies! Charlie's Angel thank you so much for your idea! I'll post a picture of our new crate once it's built, but you get the pleasure of knowing you made my son very happy. We're always building things around here. 

Also thanks for the other dog tips, I had no idea that grapes were toxic (not that I would feed them any), but I also had no idea about being in the crate thing issue. So thanks again Charlie's Angel.

So normally I wouldn't mind other people gently (gently being the key term here) disciplining him and guiding him. The problem is that when he sees these people he wants to play with them and starts acting like a dog to them. The problem arises when they see him throwing something on the floor then they start. It usually goes something like "Landon no, I said no", then no.....then he at first got down on the floor and put his hands on his eyes as if to almost start crying (he has on certain occasions) and I have to console him, while giving dirty looks to everyone else. I got to the point that I don't care if you're friends or family, when they start doing this they know they'll get to see mama bear come out lol. The other thing is we don't even say no to him. We like to save "no" for special occasions so that it has more significance yk. 

Averymomma thanks for your perspective, I think it's time I start teaching my boy about taking other people's rude unsolicited advice nicely and letting go instead of crying. Lately the comments have been geared towards lots of things we do like "not vaccinating, and cloth diapering, and no CIO, and no spanking, etc" a lot of them think that we enjoy the extra work and the unsolicited advice usually comes from them. Usually we'll say "this is what works for us" then lather rinse and repeat several times. 

Thank you everyone again. Our dogs are very docile and I want to keep it that way so we'll definitely make a little crate for the kids here. Also thanks for the idea of a little dog dish for my son. I'll get something similar and it'll be just his dog dish lol
 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

YIPPPPEEEEE

You know.  If your so inclined to be creative, you COULD cut spindles into the four sides of the box, and leave the bottom side whole.  And cut them perpendicular to eachother so it keeps some kinda of sterdiness. 

 

Originally Posted by BRmama 

Thank you everyone for the replies! Charlie's Angel thank you so much for your idea! I'll post a picture of our new crate once it's built, but you get the pleasure of knowing you made my son very happy. We're always building things around here. 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by BRmama 

Thank you everyone for the replies! Charlie's Angel thank you so much for your idea! I'll post a picture of our new crate once it's built, but you get the pleasure of knowing you made my son very happy. We're always building things around here. 

Also thanks for the other dog tips, I had no idea that grapes were toxic (not that I would feed them any), but I also had no idea about being in the crate thing issue. So thanks again Charlie's Angel.

So normally I wouldn't mind other people gently (gently being the key term here) disciplining him and guiding him. The problem is that when he sees these people he wants to play with them and starts acting like a dog to them. The problem arises when they see him throwing something on the floor then they start. It usually goes something like "Landon no, I said no", then no.....then he at first got down on the floor and put his hands on his eyes as if to almost start crying (he has on certain occasions) and I have to console him, while giving dirty looks to everyone else. I got to the point that I don't care if you're friends or family, when they start doing this they know they'll get to see mama bear come out lol. The other thing is we don't even say no to him. We like to save "no" for special occasions so that it has more significance yk. 

Averymomma thanks for your perspective, I think it's time I start teaching my boy about taking other people's rude unsolicited advice nicely and letting go instead of crying. Lately the comments have been geared towards lots of things we do like "not vaccinating, and cloth diapering, and no CIO, and no spanking, etc" a lot of them think that we enjoy the extra work and the unsolicited advice usually comes from them. Usually we'll say "this is what works for us" then lather rinse and repeat several times. 

Thank you everyone again. Our dogs are very docile and I want to keep it that way so we'll definitely make a little crate for the kids here. Also thanks for the idea of a little dog dish for my son. I'll get something similar and it'll be just his dog dish lol
 

Yeah...it's important to learn about politely moving beyond rude people and unsolicited advice....but it's also important to learn that rude people who persist in their efforts to insult and belittle you in your own home should not be tolerated. Someone who repeatedly came into my home and undermined me and belittled my life choices would not be welcome back.I don't care if it's my mother, my best friend or the darn pope. You have to draw a line in the sand...your home is your refuge, your solace and your castle...negative people who carelessly mock your lifestyle should not be allowed to come there and disrupt your peaceful being. Period.

You come into my home and laugh at my values/beliefs/lifestyle in front of my kid and I will make a lesson out of you, for my kids, in how to politely sidestep bullcrap....but if you do it enough times, I'll use you for a different kind of lesson: The one where you learn how to cut mean, heartless people out of your life and move on to less toxic and more rewarding and enjoyable friendships/relationships. Good luck, mama.

[mamalisa]

"I just love his imagination!!"

Lather, rinse, repeat.  

Now, if it's family that is over all the time I'd just tell them that we prefer to handle the discipline.  Sometimes a simple "I've got this" is all you need.

The people that live with you I'd have a gentle talk about how you prefer to handle things yourself, and that while you appreciate their help, that you're sure they will understand once they have their own child that you just prefer to handle it all yourselves.