"Why do we have to die?!" 6yo crying-- WWYD?

[OliveJewel]

My sweet 6yo DS...  Ever since he learned about death it has troubled him immensely.  It all started with reading books about dinosaurs when he was three.  

About every six months he will randomly become a crumpled heap on his bed, silently weeping and asking this question.  He does *not* believe in reincarnation or heaven or anything like that.  Each time I hold him and do my best to tell him that we are all a part of each other and that dying isn't important, living is what matters, and how animals and plants are all a part of this beautiful stream of life.  But in his words, we all just turn into dirt, and that sounds pretty miserable to him.

My heart aches for him, and yet... I cannot erase the fact that yes, we are all going to die.  :(

[Daffodil]

My daughter has had a few episodes of being upset that she's going to die, and I just told her that everyone feels that way - everyone wishes they didn't have to die.  Sometimes I think acknowledging that a terrible thing is really terrible can be more helpful than trying to make your kid feel better by minimizing it.

[OliveJewel]

Yes, that's a good idea.  When you said that, how did she respond?  When I say that he responds with increased tears.  Also, some people aren't afraid of dying.  Like I told him that some people live a long productive life and then they are tired and are not so afraid of dying.  Or people who are really really sick.  Or people who see death as the beginning of a new adventure.  

But when I say those things it *is* like I am trying to minimize his fear, so I see what you mean.  I will try that approach next time.  Because that is so true.  Everyone *is* afraid of dying, at least at some point in their life.  It's part of what makes us human and it's something that we can all relate to in each other.

[Daffodil]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OliveJewel 

Yes, that's a good idea.  When you said that, how did she respond?

It seemed to help calm her down.  But she was younger than your son.  Maybe that approach helped, because as she got older she didn't seem to spend any more time worrying about death.  Or maybe she's just not the kind of kid to dwell on things like that.

[puffingirl]

We went through a really intense phase of this with DD.  I think at the worst point, she would cry and sob for over 30 minutes at a go.  A lot of times I would let her know, "I wish I could change this but I can't.  I know you are scared and upset and I can hold you for as long as you want".  So I'd just sit there and hold her while she cried.  When she was all cried out for the time being, I'd tell her she can talk to me about it any time and then try to find something engaging for us to do. When she wasn't in an acute crisis stage about it, I'd try to bring up ways that we are all connected  (the book The Sun In My Belly was a big hit with her for this).  It's still tough at times, but has faded into the background a bit.  She will often ask questions about what it's like when you die (is it dark or light is her biggest one). We tell her we don't know and that different people think different things about that and we ask her what she thinks.  Hang in there---hopefully it will quiet down a little soon.  

[SweetSilver]

This was me at 7.  I would cry because I would never have the same mother or sisters.  Now my daughter says she doesn't want to die.  (She doesn't break down.)  And I say, "Me neither!"  Often I say that we are afraid because we are both still too young and should have long lives ahead of us.  I also started saying that when I get really old I think I would be at peace with dying.  And I think I will!  This has taken me decades to come to this conclusion.  I am still terrified of dying before old age.  I have to actively calm myself and think about the here and now.  Now I am safe, I can stop turning these scenarios over and over in my head.

  When they ask me, "Mama, when will I die?"  I answer "When you are very old with grandchildren and great-grandchildren of your own."  I have no qualms of being so definite about something that is really quite uncertain and random. 

     Last year my dad died from West Nile Virus.  He would have survived, but he lived alone in Phoenix, thousands of miles from family and he didn't get help until he was beyond recovery.  Random.  My maternal grandfather died of cancer when he was just 35.  All this shapes my view of death and legacies left by loved ones  Dying isn't terrible.  Being left behind is worse.  I don't want to die, either.  But someday, I will be at peace and will welcome it.

[OliveJewel]

Thanks Daffodil, puffingirl, and SweetSilver!  It doesn't happen very often with him these days.  I suspect that it will fade away pretty soon. Every time I read this thread and think about this happening my heart just melts at how precious our lives with our children and family are.

I like to try to talk about this kind of stuff outside of crisis mode too.  It's interesting, though.... if we check out a picture book at the library that happens to have death as a theme (not like a fairy tale death, but where that's the central theme in a real-to-life kind of story) he often balks at it (like says he doesn't want to read that book or that it's "dumb"), but I try to engage him softly, by not making a big deal out of it and say that I'm reading it to his brother, not him.  Even more curiously, one of the books that was like this is called "My Pig Amarillo" by Satomi Ichikawa. Sweet sweet book that the 6yo did *not* like to read specifically because it was about death--but then this book became the 3yo's absolute favorite which we read ad nauseum so that it didn't have that same "to-the-gut" impact on the 6yo anymore and it wasn't a big deal to read it!

[meemee]

death is a subject that is not a one time thing.

as they grow older and 'see' more things and their awareness of the world increases they go back to different aspects of death.

in fact i think the younger they are to ask questions the better it is. it seems the younger they are while yes they cry but they are so much better at dealing with this solemn subject - almost like they can grasp it in a less painful way than adults can. 

sometimes i have taken out the personal aspect of death and said omg if we all never died can you imagine how many people will live on this earth? dd has always known any of us can die at any moment. we hope we wont but you just cant say. it took her a while to sit with her but they she was able to form her own thoughts about it with some help. yes so j's daddy died but then what about the others. sometimes some people die young, sometimes they dont. 

i remember what helped with dd was what "I" thought. i would tell her I dont know when I am going to die, but at this moment i feel strongly that i am NOT going to die now. 

if your son wants to stay away from death, i would fulfill his desires. it wont be forever. this is an emotional growth spurt time particularly before they hit 7/8 when they are hyperaware of things around them. and they try to keep it at arms length as it is so scary or painful (any emotion they feel it v. deeply) and then go back to it when they are able to deal with it better. 

[OliveJewel]

Thanks meemee!  

[Gator-mom]

I agree with meemee too.  I've always just tried to be honest but simple in explanation with Ds.  He is 4 and we have already had the death talk several times.  For Ds, though, it's more about fear of separation I think.  He has gotten emotional a couple of times thinking about me dying and saying he doesn't want me to die.  I just try to reassure him that I'm not dying right now and I feel like I will probably live for a very long time.  He gets the same way when he thinks about growing up and living on his own.  He'll tell me that he's never moving out and he's going to live with me forever! lol.

[SweetSilver]

I think it's unpleasant thinking about what will happen to our bodies after we die.  That's pretty scary, too

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Gator-mom 

I agree with meemee too.  I've always just tried to be honest but simple in explanation with Ds.  He is 4 and we have already had the death talk several times.  For Ds, though, it's more about fear of separation I think.  He has gotten emotional a couple of times thinking about me dying and saying he doesn't want me to die.  I just try to reassure him that I'm not dying right now and I feel like I will probably live for a very long time.  He gets the same way when he thinks about growing up and living on his own.  He'll tell me that he's never moving out and he's going to live with me forever! lol.

you know at 3 or 4 kids are still very into themselves. their first concern is not i am going to miss mommy (of course that is there) but their first thought is 'what will happen to me'.

that is why the moment dd brought up death at almost 3 the first thing i did was ask her who she wanted to go live with. she chose our best friend. the 3 of us met and we agreed. bf asked dd what about her daddy and she said (and to date still says) occasionally with daddy. we dont have anything in writing. a few months later after a great playdate with bf and her son, dd while climbing up said with a big sigh 'i cant wait for F is to be my mommy after you die mama.' seriously inside i laughed and was filled with relief. she is ok with me dying. by 3 we had covered exactly how we died AND what the different rituals of burial was. i am glad we had the talk then because dd didnt get the emotional aspect of that part. it shocked a lot of people to hear me talk like that - but i was v. matter of fact and dd took it that way. 

NOW its a whole different story. dd almost 9 cant imagine the world without me. by 6 she had gotten the emotional aspect of choosing what you want done to your body. so if we have to talk about what we want done to our body she would totally freak out. it would be too painful for her.  i mean at 3 and 4 we talked about our own wishes and the best way to dispose of our body (she prefered the tower of silence - to be eaten by the birds, and still does). as she grew older we even talked about how we would deal with life after one of us was gone. i told her my heart would be broken forever but i would continue doing what i was doing. 

the scary aspect of death has never really been there for dd.  initially yes a little bit. and i had to give her that and sit with her tears. but death is something that has always been talked about in our house and between 4 and 5 along with me she helped take care of both her dying gparents on hospice. over a year she saw them wasting away and was there holding their hands as they passed. she saw death in a matter of fact way. and its the best present her gparents could give her. as we were washing gma and changing her clothes dd came up with singing gmas favourite songs to her and the adults followed. right after gpa died as the family got involved in the paperwork, dd sat with gpa because he was alone and read to him. even after all these years she still mourns her gparents, but at the same time has a smile on her lips. the first two years she cried hard - just quietly wept these giant tears before sobs wracked her body.  (her greatest fears has been MONSTERS and ghosts)

that experience has made her more compassionate to others pain. which is why when my friends break up they bring their kids to dd to kinda have a chat about it.

that is why its sooo important to answer their questions right away giving them what they need AND so important to be around dying folks if the opportunity so arises (i know a couple of other kids who have lived thru that experience sadly and i will say - they are different in a subtle way). they seem to handle life's ups and downs with an even keel.  

[OliveJewel]

meemee, that was beautiful.  It's interesting because I hadn't thought about it that way.  I mean, he is sometimes upset about all of us being gone, but I hadn't thought about if it was because he didn't know who would take care of him.  I think it's more just that he wouldn't want to be alone.  But also he says that he doesn't want to die because life is so fun and he doesn't want to leave it.  So it's a combination of being alone if we all die and having to "leave the party" if he dies.  I tell him that he won't ever be alone because there will always be siblings and friends and other family and his own children.  But the disappointment of "just not being alive anymore" I just have to acknowledge.  I mean, yeah, I feel that way too!

I agree with you that these discussions are so important and how valuable it is to be frank and honest with them.

[aschmied]

Thank you all of you!  I don't log on too often any more, as mostly things are ok....  DD (6) had another tearful breakdown this evening crying that she didn't want to die!  I reacted, as I usually do, with snuggles, and agreeing that no one does, and that she is 6 and is unlikely to die any time soon.  (I used to assure her that she wouldn't - but she's too analytical for that and called me on it!)  I did say this time that no maybe some people aren't scared to die. 

memee I am particularly impressed with your handling!  Wow.  I will do my best to follow that if DD seems like she wants to go there.  I am grateful that I am not the only one with a lo sobbing about this, as none of my local friends kids do this.  DD is, however, a very introspective kid, and very in touch with her feelings.  I've always put this down to that.  I remember being scared of dieing when I was a kid, but not to this degree.

[CA Country Girl]

Hi All

I am new to this forum.  My daughter is 5 and has had the same kind fears, but so far I have been able to calm them pretty quickly.  I remember true anxiety/sense of doom periods about this from my own childhood, and I am afraid of her inheriting this from me.  I still suffer anxiety over things I can not control and I wish I could keep her from ever experiencing it.  My own mother did pass away (when I was in my early 20's), so she asks about that a lot and is afraid that I will die "when she grows up" and says she doesn't want to grow up, often linking it to this fear.  I tell her that I hope and think that I will get to live until we are both very old.  She has also had repeated crying spells about missing our cat and wishing he did not die, and him being old and sick does not help that much.  I guess it is just something that sensitive, thoughtful kids have to struggle with from time to time.  I love all of your wonderful thoughts on the matter.  I will be taking to heart the next time we deal with this issue.  I have been mostly on the Trying to Conceive forum, as we are trying for #2 and struggling, but I am sure I will be here more too.  It is so nice to hear from such amazing, thoughtful parents!

[OliveJewel]

CA Country Girl, your recognition of your own anxiety reminds me that I also have a tendency toward anxiety and depression (thankfully haven't had any serious bouts in a long time).  I also fear my oldest son has inherited this tendency.  I hadn't thought of it from that perspective.  I can remember when he was only like 2 or 3 and sometimes he would just slump over a chair or the edge of the bed and stare off in a kind of melancholy way.  That used to frighten me because I had serious bouts of depression as a teenager and I would be devastated if any of my children became as depressed and anxious as I was.  I didn't try to jar him out of it, mostly just respected his space.  As he gets older I can see him starting to protect himself with the whole "tough" thing, which, I suppose, is a common coping technique for life!

Just some thoughts...

[puffingirl]

Was thinking of this thread yesterday when 4 y.o. DD had one of her worst bouts yet.  The sobbing went on for at least a half hour and seemed to just come out of nowhere.  We were having a lovely time stringing beads, listening to music and she burst out with gut-wrenching sobs about how she doesn't want to die or have me die.  She wants to glue us together so I'll be with her forever.  I have to admit, this one really got to me.  I got tearful too and it stirred up some anxiety in me.  I think we did the best we could, but it was a really rocky one.  I held her on my lap while we talked and cried and I followed her lead when she wanted to go do something else afterwards--we got out a painting project to do.  It helped to know that we're not the only ones dealing with this--glad for this thread.