Nine year old son listens to everyone but me (this is my 1,000th post!!)

[BabyMae09]

Admittedly my son has had a lot of new, and sometimes challenging experiences the last three years. New Dad, new baby sister, we switched him from public school to un/homeschooling then to Waldorf, which we love, but may not be able to afford this coming year.

Also, DH and I were separated for about six months, and are just now beginning to reconcile. We've also moved three times in those three years. 

Everyone says how easy he is to get along with, and how well he interacts with his sister, who is about two. Everyone but me! I have my kids about 3 nights/5 days a week, and what I've come to call 'transition day' is a long, mostly sucky day, for me. Both kids are cranky (I think a large part of it has to do with the crap they eat when with their Dad at his parents house (he is there 2 days a week working on starting a business). After they've been 'home' for a day, they mellow out considerably. 

However, he doesn't listen well at all (to me). And he will do what he can to get out of doing things, and be mean to his sister, etc.

My question is two parts: how much does a gluten-free, soy & corn free, low-sugar diet REALLY help with moodiness in kids? Because I haven't been able to keep them fully off of that stuff because of what they eat at the grandparents. This weekend, I'm sending their own food down to the IL's with them. 

The second part of my question is: how do I make sure the kids feel stable and loved (and get DS to listen to me!) while we're still in transition (in our marriage)?

Rewards don't really work with him, and to be honest, things have gotten so tense that I snap at him a bit :(

I also just started a part time job (which is partly from home) so I need to balance that as well. Thanks in advance for your thoughts, I really appreciate it :)

[poetlizabeth]

Response to the first question:

      I don't believe it makes that much of a difference, some people may think differently. I have A.D.D and was often quite moody, my mother tried a similar diet for me when I was younger. She tried it for 6 weeks and didn't notice any difference and either did my teachers. A low sugar diet is always best but I wouldn't be too concerned if this is not always possible. It sounds as though there are a lot of other factors that could be contributing to DS's lack of listening. Best of luck!

[Tjej]

How does your DH treat you?  A lot of times kids will take on the roles that parents show them. 

Perhaps a book like Playful Parenting might be helpful.  I haven't read it, so I probably shouldn't suggest it, but for a situation like yours I think being able to make things lighter and more fun in relating to one another might really make a difference.

Tjej

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by BabyMae09 

Admittedly my son has had a lot of new, and sometimes challenging experiences the last three years. New Dad, new baby sister, we switched him from public school to un/homeschooling then to Waldorf, which we love, but may not be able to afford this coming year.

Also, DH and I were separated for about six months, and are just now beginning to reconcile. We've also moved three times in those three years. 

Everyone says how easy he is to get along with, and how well he interacts with his sister, who is about two. Everyone but me! I have my kids about 3 nights/5 days a week, and what I've come to call 'transition day' is a long, mostly sucky day, for me. Both kids are cranky (I think a large part of it has to do with the crap they eat when with their Dad at his parents house (he is there 2 days a week working on starting a business). After they've been 'home' for a day, they mellow out considerably. 

However, he doesn't listen well at all (to me). And he will do what he can to get out of doing things, and be mean to his sister, etc.

My question is two parts: how much does a gluten-free, soy & corn free, low-sugar diet REALLY help with moodiness in kids? Because I haven't been able to keep them fully off of that stuff because of what they eat at the grandparents. This weekend, I'm sending their own food down to the IL's with them. 

The second part of my question is: how do I make sure the kids feel stable and loved (and get DS to listen to me!) while we're still in transition (in our marriage)?

Rewards don't really work with him, and to be honest, things have gotten so tense that I snap at him a bit :(

I also just started a part time job (which is partly from home) so I need to balance that as well. Thanks in advance for your thoughts, I really appreciate it :)

Bolding mine. A lot of colossal changes here! If your son was Mother Teresa I think he would still need an outlet for his fears, worries, feelings of instability... And maybe, because he knows you are the safest outlet, you are the common constant, he is taking out his feelings on you, by not listening. Listening might equal (to him) I don't trust you because everything changes. And I think under the circumstances it may not be ideal, but some of it may be necessary. Give him a chance to adjust to new dad, new sibling, new schooling conditions, new home, mom at a new job.... If he gets some stability in the next two or three years, then he might listen to you more. Ohh - I hope this is not sounding harsh. I just mean if you read what you posted you might say WOW, that is a ton of stuff! No wonder people are acting out a bit. 

[BabyMae09]

He treats me really well - however, he is sometimes a poor listener as well, which I think stems from a few causes. DH and I, while working on reparing our marriage, have improved our communication a lot. I think DH's listening issues stem from 1. being a very visual thinker 2. smoking a lot of pot back in the day; he can be forgetful as well. I'm learning to work well with him on those things, thank goodness. If I could figure out where DS's listening issues come from I feel like I could deal with them better. I think the other poster had a good guess when she said I'm his 'safe' place but he's also mad at me for all the changes in his life.

So... how do I get a nine-year old boy to talk to me? He doesn't like to be asked a lot of questions it 'stresses him out' - his words. Boys seem like they are so much different than girls.

Originally Posted by Tjej 

How does your DH treat you?  A lot of times kids will take on the roles that parents show them. 

Perhaps a book like Playful Parenting might be helpful.  I haven't read it, so I probably shouldn't suggest it, but for a situation like yours I think being able to make things lighter and more fun in relating to one another might really make a difference.

Tjej

[AppleMuffins]

Talk about things that are of interest to him first and then once you have "broke the ice" with that maybe you will be able to talk about other things that you want to talk about.

[LynnS6]

What's your son like to do? Before he'll talk to you, you've got to spend a fair amount of time with him. 30 minutes a day doing what he wants to do can really help build connection. You know what my 10 year old son wants to do? Play catch. Play soccer. Play basketball. Play baseball. Do we talk about feelings much during those times? Nope. But it does help him feel connected and loved. It does open up the door for more conversations later.

Also, I can work on his emotional vocabulary by talking sports with him. "How do you think Uggla feels going up to bat knowing that a 28 game hitting streak is on the line?" Research shows that boys have a lot fewer emotion words in their vocabulary than girls. Any way I can get in a bit of emotion talk (even if it's not related to his emotions), I feel good.  I've listened to a lot of conversations about the Blazer's roster, and descriptions of plays, even though I don't care for the NBA. Thankfully, I like baseball, so I'm more interested in the baseball talk. But he still spouts random facts about players that I've never heard of. However, my questioning him on those players and talking about them builds his conversational skills and helps him feel connected all at the same time.

The bottom line is that in order for him to listen to you, you've got to spend a lot of time listening to him talk about things that he cares about. It also helps to be doing something while you talk. Most kids (boys and girls) don't really like to sit and talk about their feelings. (My dd is an exception to this. We find out about her feelings in excruciating detail.) If you bake, or take a walk, or play catch, you can have conversations. The fact that he's had a ton of upheaval in the last year would make me redouble my prescription: Fill up his cup of attention. That's what he needs most of all. (And make sure you do the same for his sister. If they both have their cups of attention full, it'll lessen sibling squabbles a lot.)

[fireflies~for~me]

Lynn...geniusly written!

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by poetlizabeth 

Response to the first question:

      I don't believe it makes that much of a difference, some people may think differently. I have A.D.D and was often quite moody, my mother tried a similar diet for me when I was younger. She tried it for 6 weeks and didn't notice any difference and either did my teachers. A low sugar diet is always best but I wouldn't be too concerned if this is not always possible. It sounds as though there are a lot of other factors that could be contributing to DS's lack of listening. Best of luck!

I agree. Sounds like a lot of going back and forth in his life on a daily basis. I am divorced as well and I noticed a visible change in my oldest two children once their dad moved out, they are ages 15 and 9 now. :(  Unfortunately, the changes in schedules and having to go certain days to their dads and then certain days here, homework, chores, hang out time with friends, stuff is just really mixed up and although I TRY to keep a good routine going at home with meals, outings, bedtime - they are still a bit messed up right now because of all the changes in the last 18 months. Plus, my 9 year old (daughter) has always been moody and very dramatic ever since I can remember, like since toddlerhood seriously, lol. I think some kids are just wired that way.