2nd time and beyond mamas

[flavorfull1]

  I always hated these threads when I was pg with DS because I felt left out, so if you are a first time mama, I am sorry, I don't mean to be exclusive, I just feel different this time and want to know how it feels for others.

  So my question or thought is that I really remember feeling so connected to my DS the instant I knew I was pg.  I feel maternal and excited about this baby but I am not constantly thinking/wondering about everything,  I am kind of just happy and realizing it takes a long time for a baby to grow.  Is it weird to not feel the same connection and did you feel it at some point during pregnancy or once the baby was born?  I am not scared I will not love it as much, I am just surprised at my laid back attitude right now. 

How did you feel with your second and beyond babies compared with your first during the pregnancy?

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

My first baby came after 2 years of trying and at least 3 miscarriages. I was so excited when I got the dark positive that I seriously almost fainted. At least I was running around the house screaming and hyperventilating. This time it was just a "see, toldja so."

I didn't feel very connected with DD in the beginning. I barely could wrap my mind around the fact that I was gonna have a baby. This time I feel a bit more of a connection, but not much. It's just an idea rather than a person at this point. The first time I held DD I realized just how much a baby was a PERSON with their own personality and all that that entails. I also realized just how different early pregnancy is from early infancy. I'm pregnant, I probably (hopefully) have two heartbeats, but there's not enough there yet for it to be a person.

Right now I just can't wait until I can feel movement. I also know that I'll be barfing my guts up in a few days, and really dreading that. With DD it was a mix of joy and paranoia that I'd lose her. Now it's happiness, contentment, and dreading the unpleasantness of early pregnancy.

[lightheartedmom]

Awww...this thread made me a little teary-eyed.

It IS different the second, third time around. Flavorfull, everything you said so completely echoes how i felt when I was newly pregnant with dd2. With 1, I remember feeling so instantly connected to her, to the point of being almost in tears at times from how overwhelmed I was with love for my 13-week old unborn baby. I assure you, in normal circumstances, I'm not that emotional. :-) I also obsessed about every. little. thing. No caffeine! Take prenatals! You name it, I Probably freaked out about it at some point during my firs pg, and if I didn't, my husband probably did. :-)
With 2, I was far less...I don't know. I was thrilled. But felt less connected until about 10 weeks. As my pregnancy progressed, I felt more and more bonded to baby2, but it was never the same set of feelings as with the first. I was also way more laid back about everything the second time around. I trusted my body more and felt much more in tune with the process of pregnancy. Especially when i went into labor...I don't think I've had many moments in my life that were that serene. I had an idea of what to expect, I was more confident that I could advocate for myself as a patient and that I could achieve what I wanted for my daughters' birth.
I had all the same fears you have...especially "how can I possibly love my second as much as i love the first?!" I cannot even describe to you how hard that love hit me when I caught 2 in my arms as she was born. Amazing. The first three months of her life and our family life with her added to it will always count in my book as some of the most blissful months of my life.

If all goes well, this will be my third baby. I feel connected. Very much so. I am so in love with this baby, but it's possible it's the idea of this baby that I'm in love with. :-) I think it has a lot to do with losing two last year and spending the last several months positively pining away for another baby. :-) but I'm also apprehensive about a lot - miscarriage, complications, how in heavens name will I handle three?? :-)

For the immediate future, I'm nervous about being sick with two little kids. It almost makes me thankful that dh is currently out of work because he can help me. I'm also nervous about making it past 12 weeks...but that is out of my hands so I'll try not to think of it.

[holz]

DS I was connected to right away- I knew immediately that he was the little boy I'd always imagined for us. We pretty much had his name set, though we played around with a few others, so I talked to him all day... I was working at a preschool and all my babies knew that "Baby Caleb" was in my belly.

This one, I'm super excited and already overboard with planning, but not feeling as connected- I think there's just a lot of wondering. I feel strongly again that this is a boy, but afraid that it's just wishful thinking. Not sure how our family's going to adjust, how it's going to affect DS, and also all those normal feelings about how am I going to love anyone else as much, etc. Plus I'm busier :)

[justKate]

My concerns are completely different this time around.  With DD, I worried about BFing, expected that I would have a perfect birth (wrong!), and was worried about things like changing diapers, holding her properly, being a "good mom", etc.  This time, I wonder how DD will react to a baby.  I am confident about BFing (but realize anyone can have trouble).  I am struggling to trust that my body can birth a baby, but know that however this baby is born, s/he will be perfect. 

I don't feel all that connected to this baby yet, but I think that will change once I hear a heartbeat.  I'm taking the "control what I can, don't worry about the rest" approach this time.  I feel oddly at peace with all of it right now.

[NCMtnMama]

I'm not as concerned about the pregnancy (although maybe I should be), but the changes it's going to mean for the family, and for me. I had a very hard time adjusting to life as a mother, as a caregiver, and there were many times I thought I just wasn't cut out for it. It was difficult for me. And I'm not looking forward to that PPD thing again, but I'm one of three kids and I love my brothers more than anything, and DH is an only child and it's very important to him for our daughter to have siblings, so here we are again. I'm not dreading it or anything, I'm just afraid it will be a rough adjustment.

To combat those anxious feelings, I'm going to try some other things this time around to lessen the stress: yoga, acupuncture, meditation even,  just anything to help me ease into the mother of a newborn role again. I would LOVE to be able to enjoy it this time around. My daughter was colicky and screamed 24/7 unless she was nursing (which was fine, although I wondered briefly if we'd still be nursing when she went to college!). It was awful to feel like I was powerless to help her.

So yeah ... mellllowwww mellllllowwww serene thoughts. That's my focus this time around.

[meghanc]

This is my second child. Last time, I was very worried about having the baby--not so much birth, but all of the stuff that comes after it. It didn't even really occur to me to be worried about the pregnancy. This time it's the other way around--I'm pretty zen about birth and what comes after it, but being pregnant is proving to be very stressful. I think that it'll settle down a little once I've seen a heartbeat, but right now, it's making me crazy!

I'm also a little worried about--well, about not loving this child as much. My daughter was (and is) a very easy, happy child. She boggles me with how perfect and amazing she is, and I struggle with the idea that I can feel this strongly about two children. I'm sure that it's possible, but right now, I'm afraid that I'm not going to bond with child two in the same way, and that our relationship will be less strong because of it.

[Hooplehead]

This time around I feel much calmer and confident in myself.  I think a lot of it is coming from having a good pregnancy and wonderfully empowering birth.  That helped a whole lot!  I have a hard time imagining how I will feel about this next one though I know I have plenty of love to go around.  My son has been very easy and I am wondering if I may end up with an opposite this go round.  Either way, I will make it!!!!  I am planning to be much more outspoken about my ideas on things and will not feel ashamed because I think differently.  The proof is in the pudding!

I do have a few worries - I had a rough time after the last birth with a bought of depression.  I think a lot of it was having a very difficult time breastfeeding coupled with everyone in the family wanting to come over and help.  Their version of help was holding the baby and leaving me to nap or do chores alone.  Now I know better.  If people want to help, they can come over and do laundry, cook, etc.  I will happily curl up with my babe and snooze.  I am hoping that breastfeeding will go easier.  I had every problem imaginable last time so I know what to look out for.  I am guessing that I will have overactive letdown and oversupply once again.  

I guess in a nutshell, I am feeling good about things and not in a rush since I know time will fly by on it's own without me trying to push it.  One thing I must do is order a relief band today before the nausea kicks in!!!!!

[azohri]

Anyone feeling like they're going to pop super early this time?  I'm only 5 weeks, and while I'm not showing, I'm pretty sure I can't pull in my abs the way I could a week ago.  I didn't really show until 20 weeks with my first, but I can't imagine it will be that way this time!

[meghanc]

Azohri, I'm five weeks, I feel that way, too! I had to go to a wedding earlier this week, and while I was trying on clothes, I realized that none of my bras fit anymore! I don't wear one every day, so haven't even looked at them since June. I had to make a midnight run to WalMart to buy a larger cup size. I can't suck in my stomach anymore, either. Last time I didn't show at all until almost five months--I'm thinking that this time, I'll be lucky to get much past two.

[tatsu15]

This is my third pregnancy. The first two were unplanned so I didn't really know much about prenatal care etc and was always stressed out (thankfully, my babies are happy and healthy). This time around was also unplanned, but I'm very happy and more aware of how I should take care of myself.

[nelson]

meghanc, I totally know how you feel about not knowing how it is possible to love another child as much as your first, I feel the same way.  Maybe that's why I almost don't feel quite as connected to this little bean yet as I did with my first.  I know that everyone says it just happens and your heart grows, but it is just hard to imagine right now.  I always felt a little torn about having another child because I used to think that it would be taking something away from my DS, to not have as much attention/financial resources etc. but then someone told me that it wouldn't take anything away, but be more of a gift to him, I changed my thinking and felt a lot better about it. 

As far as this pregnancy is going, I am already feeling like I have to suck in my stomach, with my 1st, I didn't show until 4.5 months!  I feel way more activity in my stomach than I remember with DS, more day to day twinges, stretches and gurgles, I don't remember feeling hardly anything with DS until there was actually movement, but maybe I am not remembering correctly...  And my boobs are way more sensitive and growing more than they seemed to the entire pregnancy with DS. 

In general though, I do feel more relaxed about this pregnancy and excited and nervous to see how this will change out family dynamics.

[elmh23]

This is my fourth and it's just different.  The first time, I worried about everything.  The second time, I worried about my daughter's reaction.  The third time, I worried about my son's reaction.  This time, I'm worrying about paying for Catholic School in 6 years (silly yes, but this one wasn't exactly planned and we were really hoping we'd only ever have three in private school at once.)

And I'm already wearing maternity clothes.  Some of it is I haven't lost all the weight from my last pregnancy, but also, my uterus just "knows what to do" as my midwife put it last time.  Seriously annoying!

[Jackies Ladybug]

Seriously, I'm on baby #3 and I look 3-4 months pregnant already. WTF?! Oh well. This one feels different too. I feel confidant in being able to survive the newborn stage, even with a toddler in tow. I feel good about how my body handles pregnancy and I've had the same midwife for all my pg's, so I don't have to worry about any of the interventions and know all about what tests I want to opt for and what I don't want. There's just a whole lot I dont have to research or think about this time. It's kinda set on autopilot, you know? So, a lot of the time spent worrying and thinking are just spent dealing with my other girls and their therapies. I do get statistical anxiety though. Especially since I've had two heathy births/babies, I kinda feel like this is the chance to end up with the tragedy. I don't think you can ever shake that nagging feeling that something may go wrong. I will be having a 20 week anatomy scan this time, which I didn't do with the last two, but I feel like it will help reassure me that things are going well. Also, we are finding out the sex at that time too which I didn't do before either. Thought we'd shake things up a bit, you know?

[loudmama]

Right now my feelings & thoughts are all over the place. It'll be #3, & while it's exciting, it's seriously the craziest decision! My youngest starts kindergarten in the fall, & here we are starting over again! We have no baby stuff anymore, are finances could be better, & I'm 39!
We wanted another kid, but logic told us not to. And logic lost!

I feel pretty good & I'm in the best shape of my life. I've lost 50lbs in the last 18 months, so I am worried about keeping in shape during & after this little one arrives. My boobs are super sensitive & the nausea comes & goes, & I'm more tired. I keep wondering when I will grow out of my clothes. I feel like it could happen any minute, & I have no maternity clothes.

And while I want to buy baby stuff & maternity, I'm trying to hold out in case something happens & because we haven't told our kids yet. Part of me just wants to tell everyone, but logic is saying to wait.

I want a low key pregnancy & vaginal delivery with no drugs or interventions, but given by birth history, I need to be realistic.

I'm also weaning off my anti-depressants, & I'm afraid my anxiety will kick into high gear. It's been ok, with only some mild, but it's just this thing out there. I exercise, which helps, & I know where to go to get some help when I need it, but still it's scary.

We are excited to be having a baby, I think I just feel in limbo right now.

Thanks all for listening.

L

[chiromama01]

It's diffenent this time, for sure.  This is number 2 for us, and I'm much more calm, and way more practical this time around.  I'm connected, but in an introspective sort of way...the new baby doesn't dominate every converstion or every quiet moment, most likely because I have 3 long term house guests and a 2 1/2 year old to keep me quite occupied!  I'm definitley enjoying this one more becuase (as of yet) I'm no where near as sick as I was the first time.  In fact, I was completely relieved to hear the midwife tell me "yep, your pregnant" today (first visit) as I am so symptomless I was beginning to think it was all in my head!!  I am definitly enjoying this one more =)

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Thanks to this being my second time around, I now know what I sound like while dry heaving into my toilet. Why yes, my 2 year old is in the mimicking phase.

[Thursday Girl]

in my first pregnancy I thought about the baby ALL THE TIME, and when I was pregnant with my 2nd I didn't. At first I felt bad, but then I realized with a small child I had a lot more going on, I had my daughter to keep me busy. So I wasn't surprised with my third pregnancy when I didn't obsess over the pregnancy. Aside from being busier I also knew what to expect, I knew what a newborn looked like (I hadn't prior to my first daughter) I could imagine the reality more, so I didn't NEED to think about it as much.

oh and as for first time moms versus moms of more than 1, HUGE difference in how they parent, how they think. I find it hard to hang out with moms of one child (not all), although I do think it's funny watching them and remembering how I used to be.

[Thursday Girl]

Originally Posted by Jackies Ladybug 

Seriously, I'm on baby #3 and I look 3-4 months pregnant already. WTF?! Oh well. This one feels different too. I feel confidant in being able to survive the newborn stage, even with a toddler in tow. I feel good about how my body handles pregnancy and I've had the same midwife for all my pg's, so I don't have to worry about any of the interventions and know all about what tests I want to opt for and what I don't want. There's just a whole lot I dont have to research or think about this time. It's kinda set on autopilot, you know? So, a lot of the time spent worrying and thinking are just spent dealing with my other girls and their therapies. I do get statistical anxiety though. Especially since I've had two heathy births/babies, I kinda feel like this is the chance to end up with the tragedy. I don't think you can ever shake that nagging feeling that something may go wrong. I will be having a 20 week anatomy scan this time, which I didn't do with the last two, but I feel like it will help reassure me that things are going well. Also, we are finding out the sex at that time too which I didn't do before either. Thought we'd shake things up a bit, you know?

I hit the statistical thing with my 3rd too!! Luckily it hasn't kicked in yet for #4, hopefully it won't. Although with each pregnancy I worry more and more about losing the baby earlier and earlier in pregnancy.

Originally Posted by azohri 

Anyone feeling like they're going to pop super early this time?  I'm only 5 weeks, and while I'm not showing, I'm pretty sure I can't pull in my abs the way I could a week ago.  I didn't really show until 20 weeks with my first, but I can't imagine it will be that way this time!

Yup, the belly pops out earlier with each pregnancy, grand, huh?

 

[judybean]

I'm on baby #5 now... and... I'm actually not so worried about connection (I'm more connected than before already, I think).  I'm much more relaxed about... EVERYTHING!  Not because I don't care, but simply because I've learned to just *let go* so much more... it's really freeing and things still happen whether I worry about them or not ;)

C -- so glad to see you!  I'm so excited to join you in ANOTHER DDC!! ;)