Really need help!

[Jill Rae]

My daughter turned 18 in May. Since then she is working two jobs, neither full time. She took a job that is 30 miles from home, but near her boyfriends house. Out of 7 days in a week, she sleeps in her own bed, 2 maybe 3 times a week. When she does come home it is usually late, and leaves by 8 the next morning. 

I have 4 young boys, her brothers, that are watching her very closely. I cannot put my foot down, it seems, because Daddy and I are not on the same page.

When she is "away" she does not eat well, is constantly sick, around lots of people that are smoking, stays up and drives around until all hours of the night. Sleeps constantly. I do not think she is involved with drugs. Thank God for something. She stays with her deadbeat boyfriend that does not want to work. I got together with her one day and picked her up and spent the morning with her, she SMELLED TERRIBLE. 

When she does come home, she leaves me her pajamas in front of the washing machine expecting me to wash them. I have had enough. She either needs to be part of the family, or she needs to move out. I am tired of being walked on, and I am sick of seeing her like this. My husband thinks this is the normal way things go. 

I feel trapped.

Does anyone have any advice?
Please???
 

[whatsnextmom]

Hugs to you. That has to be hard to watch. I don't have a ton to offer. I do think it's normal for kids to go a little "crazy" when they first become adults, school is done and they get a taste of freedom. However, if she wants to go crazy, she needs to do it outside of your house. If she's still calling your house home, well, you have a right to know if she'll be home that night and require a certain level of behavior and decorum. I know kids who go to college full-time or move-out and go straight into the work-force. Their parents laugh about how their kids come home to visit with bags of laundry. However, this is like once or twice a month and most parents whose children live away from home enjoy the chance to "mother" their grown babies occasionally. That's quite different from an adult living in your house and just leaving her clothes for you to handle as she ignores the family in ever other reguard.

Without DH on the same page, it is hard. Like I said, I don't have any real advice but  I feel for your situation and I agree. If she's wants this lifestyle, she's absolutely FREE to have it..... but, she should move out. This doesn't mean she can't visit or you have to have an estranged relationship. It just means you have little boys in the house and a code of behavior to follow. 

[CarrieMF]

THere is a middle ground between being part of the family & moving out.

She's 18, she has 2 jobs.   she is old enough to not have to be AT the house every night, but still consider it her home.   She is also old enough to be doing her own laundry.  

I would sit down & go over some basic rules.  one being you will not do her chores/laundry for her.  Perhaps a courtesy rule where if she is not coming home she let you know.   You could even have her pay rent if you want to take it that far.

[AAK]

I agree with sitting down and setting some guidelines.  In addition to her doing her own laundry and letting people know if she would be home that night, I would establish a guideline regarding your boys.  Decide what actually needs to change and let her know.  For me, she would need to be an active participant of the household when she is home.  She would need to shower when she gets home if she can't manage to come home without smelling bad.  

Amy

[Jill Rae]

I want to thank you. My DH and I sat down and agreed upon some rules. I took all of the ideas here and a few others. Now -- we have to find a time when she will be home to put these on the table and then into action.

Thank you all!