How to deal with "unrealistic" requests?

[strmis]

For instance, this morning, DD (37 months) insisted she wear her minnie mouse nightgown, "now" (that she peed on last night). At first I told her she peed in it, and it was dirty and stinky so I would clean it up so she could wear it.  And then she kept on insisting and asking and asking, I would remind her that it was dirty and even ask her if she remembered that she peed in her jammies last night and if she wanted to wear something that smelled.

She got angry and insisted to wear them, the entire incident escalated until I wound up in tears from frustration (maybe its the pregnancy hormones, too!!)

Thats just one example.  Things like "hold my feet/hands" in a car ride when I've explained to her that "mommy can't reach your feet, my arms are too short" or

"I need two hands to drive safely so we dont hurt other people/cars" and I try to give examples such as "like when you drop your toys in the car and you can't reach them" and I try to give solutions such as "when we park, I will do XYZ (hold your feet a bit, get your toy... etc). Then I'll try distraction "do you want to hear a different song"

I feel bad because sometimes when I can't get her to understand, she now starts talking back to me and then she ends up crying and I sometimes end up yelling and I don't like being that mom who yells at their kid (and sometimes crying myself) but it is SO FRUSTRATING sometimes.  

Dont get me wrong, she's great most of the time, its these instances where she just drives me batty and with DD2 on the way I don't know how I'll be handling all this!

Urgh... Is this just to be expected with a three year old or is there another way to deal with this?? 

[lifeguard]

I SO feel your pain!

I get so frustrated with ds some days & just feel terrible about it but man that child can be persistent! Sometimes if I just tell him straight up "I'm sorry, I know you want.... but it can't happen right now." & then refuse to engage in that conversation anymore it helps. Sometimes.

[Nicole730]

Sounds like normal 3 year old behavior.  Unfortunately.  And it does get so frustrating!  I usually respond the same way you do, and if my son still wants to cry about it, so be it.  I just tell him that I understand he is upset or sad that xyz can't happen right now.  I will sometimes ask if the crying makes him feel better, if he says yes, then I say okay - go ahead and keep crying.  If he says no, then I let him know he should just stop crying then.  I remind him a lot that tears won't change the situation.  It doesn't really stop him from melting down over seemingly silly things multiple times a day, but the crying doesn't drag out for too long.  Sometimes if he is having a really rough day, I will let him know that he must be tired because he is having such a hard time controlling himself.  If it happens again he will have to go to his room to rest.  He usually stops then, but if not then I do follow through and send him to his room for a bit.  I honestly think his emotional outbursts are related to his sleep, so I have no problems sending him in to rest for a bit.  He gets 11-12 hours a night, but he pretty much refuses to nap.  (On the 1 day he naps every 2-3 months his late afternoon behavior is SO different!)

[hakeber]

I think you might be over explaining.  Have you tried simplifying things.  "Sorry, those are dirty what else?" and just making it more simple as she escalates?  "jammies dirty, mommy sorry"

That is what worked for us.  He still had tantrums, but the more I tried to explain the more upset he would get, when I tried to keep it simple, he responded more quickly.  I remember having the same conversation over a favorite T-shirt.  It was soaking wet on the line..."Sorry, it's wet."  after a few repetitions he calmed down and chose something else.

Edited by hakeber - 8/6/11 at 7:42pm

[crunchy_mommy]

I agree to keep it as simple as possible and after you've explained a couple times (assuming she understands), just kind of ignore it. At that point I usually say something like, "I'm sorry, we can't do that, you can keep crying if you want to, and I will be right here if you need a hug." Sometimes he works himself up so much and I have to wrack my brain for a really creative distraction, but a lot of times once I refuse to engage he kind of just lets it go. I also think it's important to let him continue crying as much as he needs to, because if it doesn't come out in the moment, it will just build up, you know? I want him to feel comfortable expressing his emotions, even though it makes ME uncomfortable for him to continue crying like that!!

Sometimes the extra reasoning makes them feel like there's a loophole that they just haven't figured out yet, so if you just stop explaining they understand better that it just isn't possible...

[hakeber]

I agree with that loophole thing and also kids are still learning our language and are not fluent speakers (even though the comparison between now and three years ago is so vast and they seem so fluent to you they are still in many ways language learners) and so when they are stressed by an unmet need or desire they tend to lose verbal ability little by little and if you get more rational as they get more upset, it can make them even more upset.

I try to remember myself living in Vietnam and, having studied the language for a year, thought myself quite fluent.  I needed to send a package for my Gran's 75th birthday and the rules were so complex and all I got was a big world of NO, no one seemed to understand what I wanted to do, or be able to tell me what the rules or the polcies were clearly enough and as I got more and more frustrated, everyone around me grew super calm and started giving all these explanations, showing me long small print documents and even though later I realized I knew some of the words and coulkd have gotten the gist, in the moment I couldn't figure out what they were saying, and it was seriously pissing me off how fast and complicated they were speaking to me...I had a grown up tantrum right there in the center of the Ho Chi Minh City Post Office.  I threw my seemingly too long/heavy/wide/brown (?) box on the floor, I ripped it  open and whipped out the water puppet I was trying to send and sat down and I cried for about 5 minutes intermittenly screaming F bombs at the perplexed and mesmerized postal staff and local patrons.  I finally sulked out  merchandise in hand and went home to calm down, need unmet.   Basically I try to remember this incident when dealing with tantrums because when we are stressed our ability to express ourselves is strained but more importantly our ability to hear and understand what others are saying is severely strained, much more so when one is not equally fluent to the person they are speaking with.  It has helped me maintain empathy and rephrase my explanations. 

[One_Girl]

I think you should stop the cycle of answering if the answer isn't going to change once you feel you have answered the question enough.  I also agree with keeping your answer brief then offering another alternative.  I found that when I was too wordy my dd thought I was open for debate and she would keep asking, when I was brief and gave an alternative then disengaged from the conversation she knew that I wasn't going to change my answer and she accepted it.  I do think it is important to be mindful of not allowing debate so we don't cut off options too often, but when there is no debate (like in the example you gave) it is helpful not to give the impression of being open to debate.

[curiouscanadian]

I'm afraid I only skimmed the rest of the replies, but my magic phrase for those unrealistic requests are "I wish...you could put your jammies on/they would magically be clean/you had a million pairs of them so you could always wear one when you want/etc." The more ridiculous you make it, the better it seems to work. At least you can fullfill their desire in the fantasy world! lol

I also think one of the important parts is aknowledging their feelings: "I understand..." "I hear you..." "You're unhappy that..." with a simple, repeatable response. If you look at it from their perspective they probably keep asking because they think (somehow) that you're just not getting it.

Quote:

At that point I usually say something like, "I'm sorry, we can't do that, you can keep crying if you want to, and I will be right here if you need a hug."

We often end up with a variation of the above also.

As for your example in the car, those are all pretty much the things I'll do as well (except we use "I'll get your toy when we stop", to include stop lights). And remember, if your DD does end up tantruming, it's not the end of the world. It's not your responsibility to keep her from tantruming, it's your responsibility to help her deal with her feelings and (eventually) learn how to express them appropriately. (I have to remind myself of this often but helps me keep calm in the moment so thought I'd pass it on.)

[lifeguard]

hakeber - I had to smile at your post. Reminds of one of my finer moments in a bank while living in Costa Rica.