Stay at home mom or maid?

[eternamariposa]

I am hitting the pitt of a long running rut it seems like.  I am just so tired of hearing myself nag and whatever else I have to say fifty thousand times everyday to get my 19 month old and 4 year old to listen.  I am just not into this anymore.  I have no creative motivation, I am 10 weeks pregnant and freaking exhausted so they are up and wired before I even feel coherent, and honestly more and more I feel like rather than staying home to parent it seems like I am staying home to be the maid/cook.  I have no idea where the playtime and tickling went, playdates are like non exsistant, and I just so do not ever want to think about food allergies, I don't want to strap another human being to my body ever...My house is a serious problem it is really small and freaking trashed, I feel like I spend hours cleaning everyday only to barley break the surface or something.

I feel like our family desperately needs me to become this person who is up an hour or two before the kids every morning so I can plan the day and get it together.  I think I am on the cusp of becoming more organized since my son is starting preschool this month and soccer will happen again the month after that but I hate feeling like crap being in my pjs at noon but not ever having a real reason to get dressed either.

How do you get out of this mindset?  How do you find the energy and motivation to wake up and "cease the day" every morning when it is always the same mess, the same behavior, the same same same everything?

 

[eternamariposa]

I really hope that someone out there has something for me here, I am getting pretty down in the dumps these days and I just really don't know how to pick it up and make it good.

 

[CrunchyMama19]

Can you get some personal restorative time each day or even twice a week at least? Can your DH/DP take the kids for 30 minutes at night so you can take a walk, get a cup of coffee, or something like that?

I thnk preschool will definitely help, but you should definitely try to do something for YOU too, a class, a hobby, something.

Also, take a look at your nutrition too. Are you eating ok? is morning sickness making it hard to eat well? Are you taking a prenatal? Nutrition makes all the difference for me at least.

Also, at 10 weeks pregnant, don't be too hard on yourself. The first trimester for me is EXHUASTING and I have very little motivation to do much of anything. Hopefully in a few weeks you will feel better!

[eternamariposa]

Thanks for the encouragement.  I really agree that I need more time/stuff for myself I just don't really know how to get it.  My husband works A LOT these days, he is a fire fighter and each typical shift is 24 hours which is every three days but for a few months now he is pulling 36 every time with extra 24's sprinkled in too.  And I don't really have alternative childcare available.  The kids are ALWAYS with me.  I really wanted to join a gym but I haven't found one with good childcare for my youngest yet.

 

[berry987]

I hear you. I came to the SAH forum because I am feeling this way too. I don't have advice - I just want to let you know you're not alone. I am 27 wks pregnant with my 4th child and am just so exhausted, so sick of cleaning up after everyone, so sick of being no fun. I keep wondering where my life went - I used to be creative and fun and had ideas...now I just cook and clean and break up arguments between my two oldest kids. I don't have much time to myself, but even if I did, I'm not sure what I'd do. 

I'm hoping it's pregnancy hormones going haywire, because I'm not ready to throw in the SAH towel just yet - but I am fantasizing about getting a job once my 4th child is old enough just so I can have some space, some independence.

[lovebeingamomma]

I try to accomplish something everyday, that's not dishes, laundry, or general clean-up.  So for example, I'll pick a project I've been neglecting, do that, whether it takes all day or 10 min's, and say, ok, today was a good day, I did SOMETHING.  My main projects revolve around making my house simpler and less cluttered.  So cleaning out a closet, but not justt cleaning it, throwing away/donating everything I don't need, even if it means I end up with an empty closet (which is a good thing!).  I try to read a book to my kids everyday, so I feel like a good mom, lol.  Really, it's just small stuff that makes me feel like I'm not just going around in a meaningless circle.  I try to get my kids excited about things too, like yay, we're going to wash the floor!  lol.  And they love it, I give them little buckets with water/soap and a sponge, and that takes up 1/2 hour.  Than I throw them in a bath, that takes an hour.  If I can just keep the day going with simple things, I know my kids are learning, they don't need pre-school/playdates/special outings to be taken care of.  Although I love all of those things, just think about how you're training them to be future responsible adults by teaching them the everyday things.  Pregnancy is hard when you have kids, hugs to you, you'll make it through, it will get better!  We don't realize how amazing we are as moms, people don't tell us often enough!  Your job as a mom is incredibly important and you'll thank yourself in 20 years when you can breath, and realize that it was all worth it. 

[eternamariposa]

To berrry987 we are thinking the same thoughts lady!  I don't know how many times I have finally gotten the chance to have some time to myself with my husband wiling to keep the kids and just feel so depressed because there isn't anything for me to do.  I am not the best at making friends when I am not in a school/work enviornment, I am social around people but I just don't get how to transition from meeting somewhere and hitting it off to actually becoming friends and half the time I just don't know if I have the energy necessary to nurture more relationships, but this of course gets pretty lonely and boring.

I too keep wondering where my life went and how to just take it back.  I have always been super motivated and ambitious, completely willing to throw myself head long into whatever caught my eye, but how do you "seize the reins of life" without actively saying, "Ok family, move aside..."

To lovebeingamama, I actually totally agree with you and that is exactly what I have been doing this weekend is trying to make tangible progress somehow everyday.  I signed my son up for soccer, went to the library, did the grocery shopping I needed to do to supply my ol' depressed pregnant self good nutrition, and tried to prioritize laughing with the kids more.  It does help, I just kind of need more these days and I don't even know exactly what I am after.

 

[Marissamom]

the big t hing that helps for me i taking a shower and getting dressed in real clothes in the morning. It  always helps me start the day in a positive way. 

[cappuccinosmom]

At 10 weeks pregnant, give yourself a break.  I am right there.  My kids are a little older, so it's easier for me to crash when I need to.  But sometimes you do just need to crash.  Put a video on for them.  It won't kill them. :)  This entire summer has been completely crappy and I feel like a terrible mother often because between pregnancy, massive allergic reactions, and the sick-making heat I have been pretty much useless. 

I do feel better, however, if I make myself get up early, get cleaned up, and get dressed.  Even if I have to take a nap later in the day to compensate.  Also keeping the house at at least some minimum level of order--not for anyone else, but for *my* sake, because dirt and clutter depress *me* (the kids and dh could care less, though they do help when I need help).  Even when I feel horrible, if I push myself to get the dishes done, trash in the trashcan, and clear a path so I can walk, I feel So. Much. Better about life. 

[texmati]

this:
 

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom 

At 10 weeks pregnant, give yourself a break.  I am right there.  My kids are a little older, so it's easier for me to crash when I need to.  But sometimes you do just need to crash.  Put a video on for them.  It won't kill them. :)  This entire summer has been completely crappy and I feel like a terrible mother often because between pregnancy, massive allergic reactions, and the sick-making heat I have been pretty much useless. 

I do feel better, however, if I make myself get up early, get cleaned up, and get dressed.  Even if I have to take a nap later in the day to compensate.  Also keeping the house at at least some minimum level of order--not for anyone else, but for *my* sake, because dirt and clutter depress *me* (the kids and dh could care less, though they do help when I need help).  Even when I feel horrible, if I push myself to get the dishes done, trash in the trashcan, and clear a path so I can walk, I feel So. Much. Better about life. 

It won't be this way forever-- pretty soon you'll be hitting the second trimester stride! In the mean time, I'd actually focus on finding ways to relax. Get a maid, if you can. Eat out (if possible).

[newbymom05]

Yeah to the relaxing! You're growing a human, of course you feel tired and run down! Personally, I'd make a run for some take out menus and frozen food and some educational videos like LeapFrog and give yourself a break. Pregnancy or no, I think raising children and running a well-organized home involves a fair amount of tedium. It isn't just you.

Get out of the house--maybe library storytime? Or just let them play in the park while you supervise from a bench. If you're not home you can't mess up the house, lol.

For the house, I find Flylady to be really helpful. I don't follow her 100% or even close, but I find some of the emails inspirational, and it's nice to hear messages like it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to get done, jump in where you start, etc.  But if you sign up (flylady.net), def sign up for the Daily Digest and get just 1 email a day, otherwise you get a million emails every day all day long and that can be irritating.

Good luck--I agree that by the second tri you'll probably feel much better and more optimistic.

[Imakcerka]

One thing at a time.  I keep my kitchen sink empty of dishes, tash out and bathroom clean.  The rest will get there when I have the energy.  As for the kids...  you kind of have to feed them...

Finger foods are fine, and so are crayons and paper.  Of course don't feed them the crayons and paper. 

You're overwhelmed and you just need to find a way to relax.  On days like these the TV can be a friend.  30 minutes while they watch and you lay on the couch can do wonders. 

[rkonomos]

Hang in there mama. Being pregnant and keeping up with the normal routine is tough. You just have to give yourself a break. This is a special time to focus on resting as much as you can and grow that little baby.

[jenplus4fr]

Hang in there.  I was right with you about 10.5 years ago, when my third daughter was born and I had a 3yo and and a 18mo to deal with all day.  My solution was to find a choir to join that met one night a week.  That was *my* night, and my DH knew better than to come home late that night.  Frozen dinners were the rule that night.  Try to find some outlet to get out just for you.

As for the constant nagging and cleaning, I hate to tell you, it doesn't go away :(  My four kids are now 8-13, and my constant rant is "You guys never listen to me!!!!!"  "Put away your stuff when you're done!!!!"  etc.  That's life.

[Crystal Chapin]

Think back to the times when you wanted it all, and get out of the house and get active. It's all about perspective and mindset