I need to fix myself. ASAP.

[xzaviers_mama]

I'm a SAHM to 3 boys, ages 7, 3, and almost 2.  I'm also 28 weeks pregnant.  Lately, I feel like my blood is boiling constantly, I have no patience, and no tools to get my kids to behave.  My almost 2 year old is very high needs.  He has an extremely short fuse, and we've been working with his pedi to get things under control.  He's on a higher dose of DHA  (called Pro EFA), Inositol, and melatonin. I'm seeing a huge difference in him, and I'm certain that it's mainly due to the fact that he sleeps more appropriately for his age now.  However... between him and my 3 year old, there is CONSTANT fighting, hitting, crying, screaming, whining, etc.  

I weaned off of an antidepressant at the beginning of this pregnancy, and I think that I'm having a hard time dealing with "feeling" again.  (I pretty much felt like an emotionless zombie while I was taking it, but I didn't feel suicidal, so I kept it up.  )

Anyway, I completely agree with everything about GD, have always been anti-spanking, screaming, yelling, etc.  So why do I suddenly find myself yelling all. day. long.?  I hate myself most of the day, because I'm disappointed in my parenting.  I feel horrible for my children... How do I expect them to work out their problems in a calm manner, when I can't even show them how???  I just feel like I'm in this downward spiral, and I don't know how to pull myself out.  I keep looking at this:  http://www.jobdescriptionmommy.com/job-description-mommy/2011/07/101-things-to-do-when-you-feel-like-youre-going-to-lose-it.html

But none of that pops into my head when my 3 year old is smacking me repeatedly, or my 2 year old is clawing at my face.  

Any suggestions???  Anything at all?  I want to be the gentle, nurturing mama that I used to be.  I hate who I've been lately... and I'm certain that my little boys do too.  

[Wild Lupine]

Thanks for posting that link! What a wonderful list, I think I'm going to print it and put it on my refrigerator door.

I don't have much advice, but I couldn't read without posting. It sounds like you already have a lot of GD tools. The only thing I kept thinking when I was reading was that this is one of those times where mothers were never meant to go it alone. It sounds like your very real need for rest isn't being met. Unmet needs, especially for rest, can make it almost impossible to deal with other's needs gently and patiently. Can you get some help, like a mother's helper who can play with the kids for a little while? Or a friend who can take them to the playground for an hour or so? 

[holothuroidea]

We are in a very similar situation. I find that being the mom that I want to be is a struggle every day. It's worth it of course, but it is extremely difficult to do alone. No person was ever meant to spend 8 hours a day on their own with kids. 

I struggle with depression, too. I got off of the medication because I felt like it was just another way to avoid my feelings. Unfortunately, my temper has come out full force since then and it has been a long process to get it under control and I still have lapses, for which I feel extremely guilty for and then I get more depressed which makes me more angry and... so on. I've often told my DH that I cannot be alone all the time with the kids, that it is too much for me sometimes. He understands and is willing to do something to help but for him that means, "don't you have a friend you can call?" Which completely misses the point because when you are in that kind of mood the last thing you feel like doing is reaching out to someone, you need someone to be there already, KWIM?

I've tried reaching out to people, creating a "tribe" as it were, but although loneliness and depression is epidemic among most SAHM's, very few people are willing to actually do something about it. I'd love to create a co-housing community or even eat dinner with someone once a week to ease the burden but I've not found anyone willing to deal with the "intimacy" that that would entail. Well, this turned into a long rant. But anyway, I think I know how you feel. PM me if you want to talk.

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by Wild Lupine 

Thanks for posting that link! What a wonderful list, I think I'm going to print it and put it on my refrigerator door.

I don't have much advice, but I couldn't read without posting. It sounds like you already have a lot of GD tools. The only thing I kept thinking when I was reading was that this is one of those times where mothers were never meant to go it alone. It sounds like your very real need for rest isn't being met. Unmet needs, especially for rest, can make it almost impossible to deal with other's needs gently and patiently. Can you get some help, like a mother's helper who can play with the kids for a little while? Or a friend who can take them to the playground for an hour or so? 

I've had that list up on my computer for a couple of days, and tried to read over it a few times a day.  Plenty of good ideas there... just so hard to implement any of them when your brain just jumps to frustration!

I definitely agree that I could use some rest... unfortunately, DH has to work 2 jobs right now, so that leaves me alone most of the time.   He usually has one weekend day off (sometimes he works both Sat. and Sun.), but I would feel bad if I left him alone with the kids on his one day off.  Wait -- let me clarify --  I wouldn't feel bad for him...lol.  I mean, I really want to have at least ONE day a week that we can spend as a family, doing something together.  So, I would feel bad for all of us if I had to give that up.  
 

Originally Posted by holothuroidea 

We are in a very similar situation. I find that being the mom that I want to be is a struggle every day. It's worth it of course, but it is extremely difficult to do alone. No person was ever meant to spend 8 hours a day on their own with kids. 

I struggle with depression, too. I got off of the medication because I felt like it was just another way to avoid my feelings. Unfortunately, my temper has come out full force since then and it has been a long process to get it under control and I still have lapses, for which I feel extremely guilty for and then I get more depressed which makes me more angry and... so on. I've often told my DH that I cannot be alone all the time with the kids, that it is too much for me sometimes. He understands and is willing to do something to help but for him that means, "don't you have a friend you can call?" Which completely misses the point because when you are in that kind of mood the last thing you feel like doing is reaching out to someone, you need someone to be there already, KWIM?

I've tried reaching out to people, creating a "tribe" as it were, but although loneliness and depression is epidemic among most SAHM's, very few people are willing to actually do something about it. I'd love to create a co-housing community or even eat dinner with someone once a week to ease the burden but I've not found anyone willing to deal with the "intimacy" that that would entail. Well, this turned into a long rant. But anyway, I think I know how you feel. PM me if you want to talk.

I feel/felt the exact same way about the antidepressants.  I've struggled with depression since we moved here to WA in 2001, but have avoided any meds until shortly after my last son was born.  I was spending more time locked in the bathroom, crying in the fetal position than I was being a mama... and I couldn't take it anymore.  I suppose I could have gone back to the dr. and told her that the medication I was on made me feel like a zombie, and she would have had me try something different... but it was a big enough hurdle for me to make that ONE phone call asking for help.  So, I just tolerated the first med/dosage she suggested.  

I would love to have a real life "tribe", or someone that I actually clicked with to go have dinner with sometimes.  We've lived here in WA for 10 years now, and I still have no friends.  All of my family is back in AZ, so I quite literally have no one but DH.  I have one "friend" here, but she and I are sooo different.  We're only friends because my DH is friend's with her DH.  She's nice enough and all, but not someone I'd really open up to... and our parenting styles could not be further apart.  She's the opposite of everything MDC...lol.  

I really need to find an AP style mommy/baby group or something.  I've tried in the past, but haven't had much luck.  I can't, for the life of me, grasp how meetup.com works...    Another issue with that is that we only have one car.  It's possible for me to keep the car, and drive DH to work, but we rarely do that.  (Getting all 3 boys up and out the door by 7am is a tough one for me.)

*sigh*  I don't know what the answer is... I'd love to move back closer to my family.  I'm happy when I'm down there visiting.  I'd love to go have dinner at my mom's on Sundays, and have my family come over to hang out with us.  I just really, really don't want to have to live in AZ... and the job market down there sucks!  (DH's job depends on the housing market, which is garbage everywhere, but especially there.)

Hey look, I gave you back an even longer rant!  lol

[LynnS6]

You've got 3 1/2 kids , are pregnant and hormonal, prone to depression, in a climate that is a poster child for SAD, have 2 kids close together (who are at tough ages) and don't have any support other than your husband where you live.

When do YOU have time to recharge YOURSELF? When you're constantly on the edge of your abilities all the time, it's going to be very very difficult to take the couple of minutes to breathe and think before disciplining. I'm in the middle of Raising Cain, and one of the things the author says is a big contributor to harsh discipline is parental stress. (I'm paraphrasing here.)

So, my prescription for you would be: MAKE time for yourself. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for the little one who is gestating inside of you and the little ones who are surrounding you. Constant stress and/or depression affects brain development. Or to give an old saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

The other thing I'd gently recommend is that you work with your doctor for a postpartum plan for your mental health. I know you didn't like being on meds, but it may be the lesser of several evils. Can you afford a postpartum doula? Have someone come out (or several someones) so you have help through the first 2 months?

Two books that I'd recommend (for all your spare time!):

Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else

What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby After PostPartum Depression

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

You've got 3 1/2 kids , are pregnant and hormonal, prone to depression, in a climate that is a poster child for SAD, have 2 kids close together (who are at tough ages) and don't have any support other than your husband where you live.

When do YOU have time to recharge YOURSELF? When you're constantly on the edge of your abilities all the time, it's going to be very very difficult to take the couple of minutes to breathe and think before disciplining. I'm in the middle of Raising Cain, and one of the things the author says is a big contributor to harsh discipline is parental stress. (I'm paraphrasing here.)

So, my prescription for you would be: MAKE time for yourself. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for the little one who is gestating inside of you and the little ones who are surrounding you. Constant stress and/or depression affects brain development. Or to give an old saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

The other thing I'd gently recommend is that you work with your doctor for a postpartum plan for your mental health. I know you didn't like being on meds, but it may be the lesser of several evils. Can you afford a postpartum doula? Have someone come out (or several someones) so you have help through the first 2 months?

Two books that I'd recommend (for all your spare time!):

Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else

What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby After PostPartum Depression

I will definitely go back and talk to the psych after this baby is born.  Hopefully we can figure out something that works a little better than the Celexa did for me.  And you are not kidding about this climate... I've been here 10 years, and I don't think I'll ever get used to it.  I'm not thrilled at the fact that this baby is due right around the time when the weather goes downhill.  Luckily, we recently moved into a house with a yard (we've been in apartments for years), so for now I'm getting lots more outside time than I had been.  I'm really going to try and get out and walk every day when DH gets home (after the baby comes).  That way, when my day is crazy and I feel like I'm going to explode, I'll know that I have a break coming... even if it's just walking around the block alone... in the rain...lol.  

As far as the postpartum doula... I have no clue if we could swing it financially.  I should have some family coming from AZ at that time though, so hopefully I will be getting plenty of help.  

Thank you for the book links!  I'm going to look and see if I can download either of them onto DH's phone.  

[hawkeye]

Since you mentioned you're in WA I wanted to let you know about API attachment parenting international. It's a great group with chapters in many cities, and Seattle has a very active group. Go to http://www.apiseattle.org/
There is a great email listserv plus lots of in person meetings all around the area.
Hope that helps.

[insidevoice]

I can relate to a lot of what you say.  I have a 9 yo, a newly 3yo, a nearly 2 yo, and I am due in Dec.  The hormones make already lively ages just SO Much Bigger!  My oldest is pretty easy-  very independent and helpful, but when we do have a struggle, it's almost more annoying because she is so good at being challenging sometimes. 

They younger two need a TON more outside time that I have the oomph to make happen right now.  As a result, they have their moments.  If I can keep them running all day they are good (in general) but ugh- the energy to do that can be hard to find. 

The HUGE thing for us has been sleep.  Creating a healthy sleep schedule has helped a lot.  It's a little off for us lately, and the tussling between the younger two has really increased as a result.  I'm looking forward to shorter days just so they will SLEEEEEEEEEEP. 

I try to keep in mind that in a few months I'll have my body back to myself, I can toss the baby in a high back carry and we can get out and about. It's kind of the light at the end of the tunnel for me- also, my DH will be around then so I'll have a half hour off here and there- that alone would be a HUGE help. Doing it all alone  24/7 is hard. 

As for creating the support network- I think you need to create  some time for you to do things you are interested in- sans kids.  Even if it's once a week- find something and walk out the door for a bit to do it. 

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

I can relate to a lot of what you say.  I have a 9 yo, a newly 3yo, a nearly 2 yo, and I am due in Dec.  The hormones make already lively ages just SO Much Bigger!  My oldest is pretty easy-  very independent and helpful, but when we do have a struggle, it's almost more annoying because she is so good at being challenging sometimes. 

They younger two need a TON more outside time that I have the oomph to make happen right now.  As a result, they have their moments.  If I can keep them running all day they are good (in general) but ugh- the energy to do that can be hard to find. 

The HUGE thing for us has been sleep.  Creating a healthy sleep schedule has helped a lot.  It's a little off for us lately, and the tussling between the younger two has really increased as a result.  I'm looking forward to shorter days just so they will SLEEEEEEEEEEP. 

I try to keep in mind that in a few months I'll have my body back to myself, I can toss the baby in a high back carry and we can get out and about. It's kind of the light at the end of the tunnel for me- also, my DH will be around then so I'll have a half hour off here and there- that alone would be a HUGE help. Doing it all alone  24/7 is hard. 

As for creating the support network- I think you need to create  some time for you to do things you are interested in- sans kids.  Even if it's once a week- find something and walk out the door for a bit to do it. 

Oh, the sleep.... My 7yo and 3yo are pretty easy when it comes to sleep, but my almost 2yo?  Totally different story.  The melatonin works well for getting him to sleep the first time, but it's usually a battle after that.  Not to mention, we all go to bed entirely too late.  Last night he was down around 11pm, but then up at 3am, throwing a huge fit for no apparent reason.  He flopped all over our bed, going from nursing (which I can't stand right now, because my nipples hurt sooo bad), to laying on DH's chest.  He did that for nearly an hour, and then was up at 6:15am doing the same thing.  He's had several good nights since we started the melatonin, where he slept from 10pm-8am all the way through.  I don't know what goes differently on those nights, but I wish I could figure it out!  We're all happier people on those days.  

I'm not sure what I could do to get out of the house, other than running errands.  I don't really have a "thing", or a hobby that would get me away.  I decided (at 3am) that I was going to start going to the LLL meetings again, just to see if I click with anyone.  I went a couple of times when my youngest was a baby, and I was new to tandem nursing... but it was short lived. 

Maybe I should learn to knit....lol.  I could find a book club... but that would require me to keep up on a book, which equals more stress.

[Moonchild77]

Oh, I so needed this post..

And this: 've tried reaching out to people, creating a "tribe" as it were, but although loneliness and depression is epidemic among most SAHM's, very few people are willing to actually do something about it. I'd love to create a co-housing community or even eat dinner with someone once a week to ease the burden but I've not found anyone willing to deal with the "intimacy" that that would entail. Well, this turned into a long rant. But anyway, I think I know how you feel. PM me if you want to talk. WHY don;;t you live here in Holland???? :-(

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by Moonchild77 

WHY don;;t you live here in Holland???? :-(

Because life isn't fair, that's why! 

[peaceful_mama]

This was ME after ds2 was born 11/08 and worse after DS3 in 11/10.  My CPM suggested Drenatrophin PMG and it has been AMAZING.  Absolutely, within the first 48 hours fabulous.  Google 'standard process' (the company that makes it).  I recommend it to everyone that mentions it....it's just...wow.  Can't say enough good about my Drenatrophin.  It's 3 pills a day, 20 mins. before you eat, or 2 hours after food.  Does not have to be immediately followed by food, but can't be taken until 2 hours after eating.  It's given me my LIFE back.  I am disciplining my children, I am dealing with problems I've ignored, I am feeling and participating.  (I spent a whole lot of time in a bed reading, crying, sleeping, begging everyone to just go away.)  It was a little stretch, a little chance, but I did it and it's working!

[SilverMoon010]

OP: I could have written your post! I actually just posted something similar over in another section and then stumbled on your thread, so it automatically made me feel I wasn't alone.  My story is similar, except I only have 1 child at the moment who is 3.  I am 4 months pregnant and feel exactly as you describe, that constant blood-boiling thing.  I was just trying to explain that to my mom and husband earlier.  I feel stressed out just about every minute of every day lately and feel like all I am doing is yelling at my little guy these days (ever since I've been pregnant it has been like that).  He is very active and gets into everything. Also, he doesn't like to listen to me sometimes and that drives me insane. He's at a challenging age that's for sure and being pregnant at the same time just makes it even more challenging.  At the end of the day, I feel guilty when I reflect on the day (the days he has been bad of course) and realized all I did all day was yell at him and put him in time-outs.  That can't be good for anybody.  Yelling is certainly not my thing either.  I've watched Super Nanny so many times that I had good techniques with him but it has been downhill lately.

Anyway, I don't have much to add but wanted you to know you are certainly not alone. I like that list you posted and is actually something I need at the moment.  I hope it gets better. I think a lot has to do with the hormones.

[Mizelenius]

Well, the first thing I'd suggest is to wean your 2 y.o.  For some reason, my kids have all changed FOR THE BETTER when I have weaned them.  My now 4 y.o. (who is super easy going) had tantrums/cried constantly for almost the first 2 years of her life.  I noticed that she almost had anxiety when she wasn't nursing, and she wanted to nurse all the time.  No nursing = dramatic decrease in anxiety.

If you are not comfortable with total weaning, then I would strongly suggest nightweaning.  I always start with this-- 100% of my children slept 100% better when I nightweaned.  I still slept with them and cuddled, but again, the anxiety/restlessness that I find accompanies the older nursing child (toddler) was gone. 

I am always afraid that when I wean, I will lose one of my tricks-- one of my tools to calm the child down.  But, interestingly, we find new tools together that work just as well, without the anxiety I mentioned.

I would not be suggesting this, but the fact that your son is not sleeping, which is making things worse AND you are sore . . .well, to me, sounds like it is time.  When you have little ones and are pregnant, it's hard not be "touched out."  This break from nursing may give you the recharge you need.  After all, in not too long you'll be starting all over again! 

I very much agree with the pps that we aren't meant to do this alone.  Getting together with other people w/kids can be hard, too . . .not exactly a break for mama.  When your kids are screaming or someone is too much, it is OK to turn on the TV for them, spend some time for yourself having a snack/using the computer .  . .just escape for 15 minutes.  Do what you need to do.  Anything is better than getting mad at your kids.

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by peaceful_mama 

This was ME after ds2 was born 11/08 and worse after DS3 in 11/10.  My CPM suggested Drenatrophin PMG and it has been AMAZING.  Absolutely, within the first 48 hours fabulous.  Google 'standard process' (the company that makes it).  I recommend it to everyone that mentions it....it's just...wow.  Can't say enough good about my Drenatrophin.  It's 3 pills a day, 20 mins. before you eat, or 2 hours after food.  Does not have to be immediately followed by food, but can't be taken until 2 hours after eating.  It's given me my LIFE back.  I am disciplining my children, I am dealing with problems I've ignored, I am feeling and participating.  (I spent a whole lot of time in a bed reading, crying, sleeping, begging everyone to just go away.)  It was a little stretch, a little chance, but I did it and it's working!

I just now realized that I had responses to this thread!  I'm going to call my ND tomorrow and ask her about the Drenatrophin.  I'm guessing it isn't something I'd take while still pregnant...?