custody issues

[btjw020608]

Hi everyone I am a mom of a wonderful 2 year old the bd has been in and out of the picture for awhile he found out i was dating someone serious and then wanted to have my lil one come to see him over night the thing is he lives a state away and at the time he hadn't seen her in over 6 months and he had never had her on his own longer that a few hours when she was a baby. SO i started custody proceedings to make sure everything would be legal and he couldn't just take her. he has done things in the past that had me fear this. My boyfriend at the time now fiance is someone I had known from years before and we had reconnected and just knew that it was right so we will be getting married in the near future . Now with her bd leaving her and not being consistent  in her life it showed when my fiance started to come around more when ever he would leave she would be angry with him she wouldn't want to tell him goodbye and so we decided it would be best if he moved in she is doing better now she knows he will be back. my question is could this be a problem during the custody. Her bd is asking for split time and if he lived closer and was a bigger part of her life I might be open to that but he has not even called her on a regular basis. He never has set plans to come and see her and is never on time and never spends the time he says he would since she was 7 months old  he has come to see her 3 times. He usually spends a little bit of time with her then goes and hangs out with his friends then comes back and picks some kind of fight with me. I keep in touch with his family to make sure she knows them they call me asking how to get a hold of him. I have never wanted to keep her from him and done what is in my power to make it easy for him to see her from providing him a place to stay when he visits to changing my plans to make it happen. He lives with his girlfriend who until recently he denied living with he has no job hasn't paid child support in over a year. He has been verbal abusive to me countless times, he threatened my life when I was pregnant which is why I left him and then we tried to work it out and one day he just told me he was leaving and was gone 4 days later.  =SO could my fiance living with us be an issue in the courts eyes, she is well taken care of we pay for school and child care and we are providing a stable home life for her. Not to mention we love her very much and just want the best for her if that means having a relationship with her dad I am ok with that. Until now he has been the one not actively pursuing one I tell him he can call anytime he wants he sends a text every couple of weeks asking how she is doing and if I have pictures. any advice would be appreciated sorry its so long.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I would be awfully surprised to see your ex granted split time if he has been pretty much absent for two years.  He most likely will get visitation if you pursue things legally - probably the standard EOW.  Your fiance most likely will not be an issue in the court's eyes, but there have been a few mamas on MDC who experienced discrimination when having their DF live with them prior to marriage.  It obviously depends on the judge.

In your shoes, I would just sit tight.  Your ex doesn't seem motivated enough to go through the difficult/expensive process of hiring a lawyer and pursuing custody.  The longer his being absent is the status quo, the better off you will be positioned.

So, unless you really need the CS, I would just wait for him to come to you.  If he decided to be a part of his child's life, great.  But you know that you can't force him to act like a dad, so just wait until he is ready to put the work in to do so.

[VocalMinority]

I think it's pretty safe to assume that any judge would be more focused on which parent is providing the most nurturing, stability and consistency; and less focused on which parent can prove that the other one is shacking up with their boy/girl-friend.

You're unlikely to find a mom on Mothering who cares more deeply about fathers' rights than I do, but even I think that - in MOST cases - when a child is as young as yours, the potential harm of major separation from Mommy is worse than the potential harm of only getting to see Daddy a couple days a week.  (Obvious exceptions would be if Daddy were the main caretaker, or Mommy had "issues"...)  Depending how your ex evolves as a parent, it may well be in your daughter's best interest to have equal time with him when she's older.  But not now.  Our state guidelines offer decent suggestions for how parenting time might change, as a child gets older:  http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html (Section II - A, B & D).  The basic idea is, the younger the child, the more frequent and brief contact with the non-residential parent should be.  No overnights, yet.  This can help babies and toddlers learn to truly enjoy time with the other parent, because they don't panic every time that parent shows up, knowing they'll be taken from Mommy for what seems like a traumatically long time.  Then, by the time a kid is old enough for school, it's usually OK to see the non-residential parent every other weekend - for the whole weekend - and at least one day every week (usually after school/work, until bedtime), so the NRP can be part of homework and other weeknight routines, not just be the parent who takes the kid to the park on Saturdays.  So, perhaps you could propose something like this.

Definitely go through the court.  In my experience, if there's not a court order naming you as the custodial parent, police may do absolutely nothing, if you tell them your child is supposed to be with you and their other parent refuses to give her to you.

My last bit of advice:  Try not to judge your ex too harshly as a parent, yet.  Many young, inexperienced dads simply don't know what to do with a baby/toddler.  For example, you fault him for not calling her.  I'm not saying calling her would be wrong...but it really is a useless way to try to have a relationship with a 2-year-old.  And even with visitation...he may feel torn between a sense of obligation (especially if a new guy seems to be taking his place) and the fear of not knowing what to do with a 2-year-old for a day, or a weekend, if he shows up to see her.  

My own ex rarely called our kids when they were little; and he was often allegedly "swamped" at work, when he was supposed to spend Saturdays with them.  Sometimes, he'd be "busy" for weeks.  He felt anxious about being responsible for them for the whole day; guilty, if he hadn't shown up the week before; self-conscious about what I thought of him as a father; and afraid if he showed up at my house, I'd say things to make him feel like pond scum.  The easiest way to deal with all of that was avoidance.  In retrospect, it would've been better if he'd had the chance to spend several days a week with them, but only for an hour or two at a time.  There would've been much less pressure on him, to tend to all their needs throughout the day.  And if he missed the occasional day, it wouldn't have been as big a deal.

I'm not saying it's fair, or right, that some dads are like this.  After all, they're just as much parents as the moms are.  But, it is simply a fact that some fathers are this way, with young children - and that these same fathers CAN turn out to be much better parents, once the kids are older, more verbal and less dependent.  My ex DEFINITELY is better, now.  I think he's a fine father.  Although any frustration you may feel toward your ex is understandable, it would be very loving toward your daughter, if you didn't condemn her father (in your mind), because he's a crummy parent now.  It would be generous of you to give him the time and chance to improve.

[aricha]

A lot of it depends on the state and even the area of the state you are in, as well as what process you go through and which judge or mediator you are working with. Our circumstances were different, but when my husband pursued custody after his ex left the state, he was able to get long weekends with his daughter (as often as he could get there, which was at least once a month) in the state where mom had moved, then when we moved to where mom was my husband got 50/50 custody (almost immediately) with basically 2 days at each house and a visit by the other parent on long weekends... so 50/50 custody with overnights with each parent, but she didn't go more than about 2 days without seeing the other parent. Neither of our living arrangements (us living together unmarried or mom living with her sister's family) was an issue because what mattered was we could each provide her with a safe and consistent home.

[btjw020608]

Thank you every one it helps to know this information hopeful he will step up one day but until then I will just do the best I can things are going well with her future step-dad she so at least she has a positive male role model in him.

[btjw020608]

so my world has come crashing down my fiance died suddenly Friday after thanksgiving, I am so lost I told my daughter the best i could she asked for him for the first time in a few days and I almost lost it please help me

[Adaline'sMama]

Im so sorry for your loss. I hope you have a good support network and that someone can help you watch your daughter while you are grieving.

[VocalMinority]

[Imakcerka]

Oh no... oh wow, I'm so sorry!  My heart breaks for you mama.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Mama I am so deeply sorry to hear of your loss.  My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly in September so I am quite familiar with the additional tornado of emotions that a sudden loss can cause on top of the normal grief. Please be gentle with yourself and utilize any and all supports you have.  The next few weeks are going to be some of the most difficult you will ever face. I am here if you want to PM me. 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Oh mama, I am so sorry. I'm just so, so sorry.

[Mom31]

Oh mama.... I am so so so sorry. What a terrible loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

[csekywithlove]

I'm so sorry, mama. I'll be praying for you and your daughter. 

[btjw020608]

Thank you all this is such an awful time and I am still dealing with the custody drama her bio dad hasn't been to see her I get a text from him every six weeks or so. He actually paid his child support this month for once in over a year, he has no idea what happen. My Fiance was so good to her he treated her like she was his she would sometimes call him dad on her own. she misses him so much it is really hard to thing that her bio dad could be so different to her. her dad only thinks of  himself and what is good for him. I just don't know what to do from here we were so excited to get married and we were going to have more kids so it is so hard to know all that is gone now.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by btjw020608 

Thank you all this is such an awful time and I am still dealing with the custody drama her bio dad hasn't been to see her I get a text from him every six weeks or so. He actually paid his child support this month for once in over a year, he has no idea what happen. My Fiance was so good to her he treated her like she was his she would sometimes call him dad on her own. she misses him so much it is really hard to thing that her bio dad could be so different to her. her dad only thinks of  himself and what is good for him. I just don't know what to do from here we were so excited to get married and we were going to have more kids so it is so hard to know all that is gone now.

There just aren't words to mend a hurt like this....only time and a lot of processing will touch that. I'm so sorry that this wonderful life you were building has been torn away from you so violently and so suddenly, it's not fair and it doesn't make sense. I'm just so completely sorry for your loss and for the added heartache of trying to help your DD understand what has happened and why. This is just horrible.

[MommyBecky]

I didn't read everyone else's posts, but I will tell you my custody case decision from the judge was absolutely shocking.  Even though it was obvious that he was lying the court found in favor of him for various reasons. I feel that if I had been better prepared, the outcome would have been much different- his lawyer got things thrown out on technicalities and was the whole process was very legalistic and not based on any common sense. So, I would find a good lawyer just to be safe. There are so many things I wish I had known but I didn't get a good lawyer until too late. Good luck!

Edited by MommyBecky - 12/21/11 at 5:21am

[Mom31]

Hugs mama... I can't imagine what you are going thru. Your family is in my prayers.