Did your SN child make you rethink your family size?

[JFTB1177]

Were you planning a big family but decided to stop after you had your SN child? Just wondering because I really wanted at least one or two more children (not anytime soon of course, we weren't planning on another for at least 2-3 years), but found out recently that our 2nd child may be SN (ASD) and am now wondering if that is a good idea. Anyone decide not to have more kids, or did you decide to go ahead and have more? Did you regret your decision?

[kbins]

No. DS#2 was a difficult baby, but we didn't know the extent of his challenges when I got pregnant with #3. DS#3 is such a blessing, he was an easy, happy baby and been quick to learn and develop. It was a positive offset to the challenges we were facing with DS#2. When we decided on one more, even though we knew there was some risk of having another SN child, we also knew there was a chance we would NOT have one (since DS#3 was just fine). Our DD is an absolute delight, easy, routine oriented and happy, and also has none of the issues that DS#2 has.

We privately joke that perhaps our third and fourth children were our reward for making it through the first two. It certainly has taught me how different children are, and blessings in their own way.

DS#2 takes a disproportionate amount of family resources (time, money) but we love them all equally. And honestly, I think after two, the incremental effort is not that great. I find that making four sandwiches at lunch is no more work than one. Laundry is not any harder in bulk, etc.

We didn't start out to have a large family, just sort of decided along the way. I'm glad we didn't stop at DS#2, or we'd never know the joys we've experienced with the other two kids.

[Multimomma]

We were pregnant with #4 before the extent of #2's difficulties came out. We decided that since we had always wanted a big family, we would just keep going. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been wonderful. She has autism, and the therapist says that a big family has been a huge  help for her. We're pretty structured, but with nine kids you have to be!

[AllyRae]

Yep.

We have 3 children--1 with autism & SPD, a child who is adopted with an original diagnosis of RAD/Selective Mutism (but may have the diagnosis changed to autism, or having autism added to her diagnosis...depending on the results of her testing that she's going through), and a third child with selective IgA deficiency, FPIES, and mild SPD.  I really wanted a 4th child and we were in the adoption process of one, but then child #2 regressed a lot and child #1 had to be pulled out of school due to his autism.  DH decided he was done.  Now I'm at the point of agreeing because as they get bigger, their SNs get worse (besides child #3...her IgA deficiency has become less of an issue now that we have modified her diet, dosed her with vitamins, and carry sanitizer everywhere).  I wanted a huge family, but right now, I don't think we could financially, emotionally, and educationally provide for any more...not to mention, we spend multiple days in therapy offices in 6 therapy sessions for 2 children with more possibly being added in the next couple weeks (with 5 hours straight being spent on one particular day).  

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by Multimomma She has autism, and the therapist says that a big family has been a huge  help for her.

This means a lot, because my DS2 most likely has ASD as well!

Thank you ladies for your posts! The different points of view are interesting, please keep posting!

I feel in my heart that our family isn't done yet... maybe one more? I guess only time will tell.

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

Yep.

We have 3 children--1 with autism & SPD, a child who is adopted with an original diagnosis of RAD/Selective Mutism (but may have the diagnosis changed to autism, or having autism added to her diagnosis...depending on the results of her testing that she's going through), and a third child with selective IgA deficiency, FPIES, and mild SPD.  I really wanted a 4th child and we were in the adoption process of one, but then child #2 regressed a lot and child #1 had to be pulled out of school due to his autism.  DH decided he was done.  Now I'm at the point of agreeing because as they get bigger, their SNs get worse (besides child #3...her IgA deficiency has become less of an issue now that we have modified her diet, dosed her with vitamins, and carry sanitizer everywhere).  I wanted a huge family, but right now, I don't think we could financially, emotionally, and educationally provide for any more...not to mention, we spend multiple days in therapy offices in 6 therapy sessions for 2 children with more possibly being added in the next couple weeks (with 5 hours straight being spent on one particular day).  

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by kbins 

We privately joke that perhaps our third and fourth children were our reward for making it through the first two. It certainly has taught me how different children are, and blessings in their own way.

I'm glad we didn't stop at DS#2, or we'd never know the joys we've experienced with the other two kids.

I love this!

[Lollybrat]

Yes. I really admire families who go on to have more kids after a SN child. And DH and I always dreamed of having several kids. But things didn't work out that way for us.

We thought about having another just as DS's issues started becoming obvious. But DH was against it, because my in-laws blamed all of DS's problems on our parenting and kept telling DH that we "needed to figured put how we had messed up the first one before we had another".

Once we got the diagnosis of ASD we spent all our energy trying to understand autism and juggle all the various therapies. Then we learned that DS also has asthma and albinism as well as a rare chromosome abnormality. While it is unlikely that we would have another child with all of DS's disorders, we have a high chance of having a child with any of them. Our chances of having another disabled child are higher than our chance of having a non-disabled child. So we had to seriously consider if we have the financial and emotional resources for another disabled child.

DH and I would of course love any child, regardless of disability. But DS's medical needs, including testing, various therapies, medicines, supplements, special glasses, etc have been very hard on our finances. Additionally, I was a stay at home mom for years so that I could do in home therapy with DS, so we only had one income. We are slowly trying to dig ourselves out of the financial hole all this put us in.

So yes, DS's special needs did make us rethink our family size. I know a lot of people do not agree with our decision, but for us, it has been the right decision.
Edited by Lollybrat - 8/8/11 at 5:56am

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by Lollybrat 


So yes, DS's special needs did make us rethink our family size. I know a lot of people do not agree with our decision, but for us, it has been the right decision.
 

I don't think anyone has the right to disagree with your decision- it's your family, and only you and your dh know what's best for you and your son!! I certainly don't think it's the "wrong" decision, just as I don't think Mulitmomma's decision to keep going and have many more children is "wrong"... we all have to do what is best for us and our own children. I was just curious to see what others' thought and how others decided to, or not to, keep having kids, because it's something I'm questioning. :)

[askew]

Yes for us. DD, our SN kid, is our second kid. Truthfully I could have been done after the first, DD was a bit of a surprise. However, it isn't necessarily that she has SN that makes me not want more. It is sort of like her SN takes so much energy that I know I don't have it in me to raise another. I never wanted a large family, and I am one of those people who if I had known six years ago what being a parent was really like, SN or not, I might not have had any kids. Don't get me wrong, I truly love my children, but I can imagine a life where I just had me. I have a lot of professional childless friends and I envy their lifestyle. The multiple international vacations they take a year, the fabulous night life they have. I work almost full time, as well as manage all the therapy and doctor appointment. DD has a brain injury and a genetic disorder, and while she is doing awesome- there is a definite possibility she will not live independently. We are also older. I am in my late 30's and DH in his late 40's. At this point I think another child might kill us both. 

[BeautyforAshes]

Yes.  Our first child DD was born with Down syndrome and a serious heart defect that required open heart surgery, neither of which we knew about beforehand.  We wanted 2 or 3 children (adopted or bio), but now I'm starting to wonder if we should have any more.  She is very high need and active right now, and all the emotional turmoil of coming to terms with her diagnosis and meeting her needs has taken a serious toll on me.  And then there's the financial issues of providing for her future, etc.  I'm not getting any younger, either, so time is an issue.  I think having a sibling would be good for her, though, so there's a lot to think about.

[AllyRae]

I think this is part of where we are.  We had a special needs child.  Then we adopted, in part because our risk of birthing another special needs child was so great...and she turned out to have even more significant special needs.  Then, baby #4 comes (we also have a deceased child), and she has special needs too, albiet medical ones and not emotional/behavior/developmental ones.  It feels like if we had another one like I wanted, we'd be taking the really high risk of having another special needs child, and at this point, there's just not enough hours in the day to be able to provide what another special needs child needs (for example, 2 of our children *need* to be homeschooled now, per their therapist and we agree, due to their special needs and lack of schools that can handle those in our area--we tried school with our oldest, and it didn't work out.  We have to balance that with all of the therapies DS1 and DD1 need...and since we'll likely have to add OT and ST for DD1, I'm not even sure how to balance homeschooling with a week of therapies....we're not even doing any of the "cool" therapies we'd like to try--horse therapy, etc. because we're out of time.  We just couldn't take the risk willingly and risk not being able to give the best we can to them.  If another child comes along as a surprise (we're Catholic and use NFP, but baby #4 surprised even us, and we're really well versed in NFP), we'll gladly accept it and love that baby...but I can't say we wouldn't be worried about another SN child.  

When our SN children were toddlers, it was easy to bring another child into it.  Now that 1 is school age and 1 is heading up on kindy in a year, it's really obvious that their needs are going to require much more time than we had thought.  Autism, especially, is one of those things that has the potential to get more intense and the needs more involved as they get older and more is expected out of them in terms of education and socialization.  Never in a million years did we plan on homeschooling them or still be driving them to therapies 45 minutes from our house when they were school aged, but it is what it is.  And in order to give them the best we can, we had to limit our family size unwillingly.  Add to it, I am still in the process of my doctoral dissertation (me starting that happened before we new multiple children of ours would have special needs, and I thought one day when they were back in school, I would go back to work.  Uh, not so much now... LOL!)

But, it's not all gloom and doom.  We can do a lot with our family the way it is--we do a lot of traveling (in the country and we have some out of the country trips coming up) and things that another baby would have made it hard to do.  And we can still afford gymnastics and martial arts lessons and co-op and trips to the zoo/museums/etc.  Those all would have been hard to do with another baby.  So, it works out really well.  

So yeah, I can totally see where you're coming from too. :)

For some people, large families with special needs kids will not be a problem.  There is such a range of special needs and everyone's circumstances, coping mechanisms, and resources are all different.  I don't think either one of the viewpoints is wrong. :)
 

Originally Posted by Lollybrat 

Yes. I really admire families who go on to have more kids after a SN child. And DH and I always dreamed of having several things. But things didn't work out that way for us.

We thought about having another just as DS's issues started becoming obvious. But DH was against it, because my in-laws blamed all of DS's problems on our parenting and kept telling DH that we "needed to figured put how we had messed up the first one before we had another".

Once we got the diagnosis of ASD we spent all our energy trying to understand autism and juggle all the various therapies. Then we learned that DS also has asthma and albinism as well as a rare chromosome abnormality. While it is unlikely that we would have another child with all of DS's disorders, we have a high chance of having a child with any of them. Our chances of having another disabled child are higher than our chance of having a non-disabled child. So we had to seriously consider if we have the financial and emotional resources for another disabled child.

DH and I would of course love any child, regardless of disability. But DS's medical needs, including testing, various therapies, medicines, supplements, special glasses, etc have been very hard on our finances. Additionally, I was a stay at home mom for years so that I could do in home therapy with DS, so we only had one income. We are slowly trying to dig ourselves out of the financial hole all this put us in.

So yes, DS's special needs did make us rethink our family size. I know a lot of people do not agree with our decision, but for us, it has been the right decision.
 

[StephandOwen]

Yes. DS's special needs were a big determining factor in a) whether we would have another baby and b) when we would try. DS will turn 8 right around when this baby is due. We will have to see how ds adjusts to having a baby before we even consider adding a 3rd. If this baby has any sort of special needs then we've already decided we're done, we won't try for a 3rd. The reason for this is because we don't feel we could give all of our children everything we want to, if more than 2 of them have special needs.

This is such a personal decision though, and there is no right or wrong answer. It all depends on your family dynamics, resources, etc.

[NiteNicole]

Yes.  I never really had a burning desire for another child, but my daughter wants a sibling.  Badly.  She is so interested in babies and younger children.  Every time someone we know has another baby, I have to break it to my daughter privately because I know there will be tears.  I always assumed we'd have three.

However, she was a difficult baby.  She cried for the first year.  She didn't STTN till she was nearly three.  She threw up all the time.  It was just hard. Having seen more infants since then, I now get just how challenging that year was. We put off having another one till she would at least sleep reasonably.  Once she got past all that, she started having trouble walking when she was nearly four.  She's now 5.5 and on meds, she walks independently or with a walker.  She can not run.  Sometimes it's really REALLY bad, sometimes it's quite manageable. 

We don't know why she has what she has or even exactly what it is.  There are some things that are very like what she has that are very...profound.  We obviously hope that what she has won't get worse but we don't know.  It takes my breath away to type that.  She sometimes needs a lot from us and I just don't know that in those times there's room in our life for another child, and I don't know how we'd handle two kids with this.  Also, the idea of sitting around watching another healthy baby, looking for signs of what DD has...I don't think I could handle it.  The amount of worry I have for my DD almost swamps me at times.  I feel like I'm drowning in it.

Then there's the just the fact that money is an issue.  Our insurance isn't great.  Our daughter can't get PT and OT, even though she needs them, because we can't afford it and our (expensive, because we pay for it, not DH's job) insurance doesn't cover it.  We hope she can get it through school.  Things like walkers are not cheap.  Driving over 150 miles ONE WAY for a specialist adds up. 

Lastly, because we've been so wrapped up in dealing with DD's issues, I'm now closing in on 40 and I'm terrified of setting us up for another child with special needs.  I ADORE my daughter and I'm sure we'd love any child God gave us, but I already feel like I'm at my absolute limit for how much worry I can carry and still function.  This is not anything I'd ever say in front of my daughter.  I would never want her to get the idea that we're avoiding having more babies like her or that she's just soooooo difficult we wouldn't want to risk another, that's really not the case. In trying to reasonably assess how much worry I can handle and how much money is coming in, it just doesn't seem like a good idea.  I feel blessed every day that I have my daughter in my life.  If I knew I could handle it without going under, I'd have a million like her.  I love her so much and of course the worry is in direct proportion to the love.  It's just a lot to manage.

[KCMichigan]

Actually, I would if we could.

After preemie twins both with mild special needs. I have a strong strong desire to have more kiddos. DH and I thought 2 when we first got married. Now that we have the twins we would love more--- but I had assistance with getting pregnant, we can not afford to go through that again. So we keep our fingers crossed that we get a surprise pregnancy.

I can not say if the fact is  that we got twins and would love to experience another baby or if the kiddos special needs plays into it. or both. But SN kiddos has actually increased my  'family' size vision for our family.

After having the NICU, therapies, endless Dr, etc. Now that the girls are older-- and in our case, easier , (their needs have gotten less severe as they have gotten older )than when they were small, we are open to going through it all again. In fact, DH is open to fostering SN kiddos in hope of adoption in the future-- something he would not have been open to before the twins were born.

[Linda on the move]

I never wanted a big family -- we thought 2 or 3 would be nice. 

DD#1 is our sn kiddo, and we don't know she had issues until after DD#2's birth. The first year of DD#2's life was a nightmare -- she was a high need baby who screamed no matter what I did, we were discovering the extent of DD#1's issues, and starting with all the appointments and therapies and such. I didn't feel I was a good mother to either of them.

Ultimately, DD#2 calmed down, and became a sweet, smart, easy child.

Flash forward to the present -- they are 13 and 14, and very close. I like to think that DD#2's soul was floating around, looking for the right family to be born into, and saw DD#1, and wanted to be her sister, knowing that she would need a really amazing sibling.

I sometimes feel I haven't been the best mom to DD#2, because so much in our life HAS TO revolve around DD#1. So much of my time and energy is spent on DD#1.  I don't know that in good consciousness I could have made a decision to have another child, knowing that there would be months on end that I would have little time for her, but she has thrived any way. And she is such a joy to me. And I'm glad that wasn't a choice that I had to make.

We thought a few times about having a third, but just as we would find ourselves in a mellow place where it seemed a reasonable option, something happened. DD#1 has gone through long periods where she seems almost neurotypical, and but then has sudden drops. There was never a long enough time when she was doing really well that it seem plausible to add another child as much of time it seemed I could barely take care of the two I had.

I had my tubes tied less than a year ago. That's how long we left it an open issue. 

I still have mixed feelings about it -- if I seem to be contradicting myself in what I say, it's because my feelings contradict each other.

[Peony]

Yes and no. We have 4, and so far, 3 out of the 4 have milder SNs. All different of course. DD1 and DD2 are the oldest two and the most challenging ones. Both are doing MUCH better then they used to be, they are 8 and almost 5 now. DD1 has been getting therapy at least 4 times a week for 3 years now, her therapists are thinking she has two years left of therapy. DD2's SNs are medical, after years of being in and out hospitals, O2, and doc offices, she is finally doing well on meds. DS1 is only 2 with no real dx other then low muscle tone and severe speech delay, maybe apraxia is a possibility. We don't know yet. 

I can't do more then this. I've got it under control (barely) with careful scheduling and paid help. We have to use sitters far more then I ever thought I would to make everything work. I do realize I am lucky to be able to afford it and honestly if we couldn't do it this way then #4 would not of been a possibility. My family does live near us but I maxed out their ability to help years ago and now it is rare that they assist with anything. Once upon a time we even had my sister living with us when DD2 was unable to leave the house due to her immune issues. It is quite draining on us financially, all the bills related to the SNs are insane. I seriously doubt I would of had more then 4 children regardless of SNs or not, but we probably would of had college or retirements funds, not the case now. 

[~cassie]

I guess we were lucky in that it was taken out of our hands.  We were so busy with all the tests our newborn needed that it wasn't even really on our minds.  Low and behold when #2 is 4 mths old-we find out we are expecting.  Luckily he has no issue whatsoever and I am so thankful for him!  We have a 25% chance of having another child with the same genetic mutation as our DS#2 and we are ok with it if it happens.  "Luckily' it is JUST deafness.  If it had been a major medical issue or autism or something that would be a major lifelong issue-then I'm not sure we would be able to have another. 

[Emmeline II]

We had #2 before we knew about ds' issues. During the worst of it I was 100% against having another child; I was barely coping as was. Now that things are more settled, I wouldn't be opposed to a surprise, but dh is snipped and I don't have a burning desire for another child.

I guess it depends on your emotional and financial resources; and in  2-3yrs you'll know more about your ds' needs and what you can handle.

[insidevoice]

No, not really.  We have 3.5 (#4 due in Dec).  My oldest has Aspergers (and many other quirks- she's a challenge) but she's old enough that in some ways it's not so intense.  My second child's needs were just becoming apparent when his brother was about 4 months old- they are just over a year apart.  Oddly, it's been a HUGE help to him to have a closely spaced younger sibling- he revisits milestones he didn't master as his brother reaches them and it's just the best situation for them together.  It was overwhelming for us initially, but it's the spacing that was right for them- odd how that worked out. 

We decided to have our last child who will be just over 2 years younger than the youngest- we might have spaced that a little further, but I already have precancerous changes and adenomyosis, so it was 'now or never' .   

My NT youngest is intense, and was what I am sure most people would consider 'high needs' but compared to a true SN child- SOOOO EASY!!!  I know we have room in our family to handle whatever comes our way.