Did your SN child make you rethink your family size? - Page 2

[JFTB1177]

Thank you so much ladies for sharing! It's given me a lot to think about

[FarmerBeth]

My SN child is our oldest.  We weren't aware of any problems when we were pregnant for our second child but we were aware for our third.  We stopped at three more over my own health (kidney disease) than any other reasons.  We actually felt like he needed the company, and despite not making relationships easily outside of the family, he has great sibling relationships, so I think it worked out well for him.   We try to make sure everyone gets a little one on one time with us parents, but it's hard and it is tiring.  I think our oldest would be tiring with or without siblings, he's just intense.  The only thing that has been very hard was that our youngest needed some pretty intense speech therapy, and it was hard to schedule and implement around all of the therapy DS1 was getting.  They also have some opposite style issues, in that DS1 is very verbal but not very socially sensitive and needs words to understand interactions, and DS3 is very socially sensitive but has a hard time finding the right words.  Overall, I think things worked out for what our family needs, though.

[buttercup]

My husband and I have no regrets on our decision to have more children.  All three of our children have autism.  They are beautiful and we are grateful for for them.  We endure challenges everyday, but watching them progress and interact with each other was so worth it.  However, I do know that if our first child was on the low functioning end of the ASD spectrum, then we still would have had additional children.  Our main reason was to ensure they would have each other...to support each other when they are adults...after my husband and I pass away.

[babygirlie]

I very much want a large family but am scared to have a second with issues. It's heartbreaking.

[AbbieB]

Yes.

#2 has Down syndrome and Leukemia.

Before starting out family DH and I said we wanted 2 maybe 3. After #1 was born we were all kinds of excited to have 2 more kids. We started trying when she was 18 months or so and it took 2 long years to conceive #2.

After his birth I was afraid to have another. I hated the idea of not having another just because of this fear. Other parents of kids with Ds told us we should have another because it would be good him to have another sibling. I hated the idea of having another child for a purpose other than wanting another child.

So we decided to not try for another, but not prevent either. Just let things happen or not. Then DS got sick. I was sure I was done. I'll be 40 this year and he has 2 more years of chemo. I did the math and just thought no way. I began casually preventing, using sloppy fertility signs to avoid. Then I thought I might be starting early menopause and felt some relief that the decision was going to be made for me.

Surprise! I'm expecting #3 in April. DH and I are really happy. I know there is a 1 in 100 chance this baby could have Ds, but the fear is gone.

[mamahen2coop]

Ive been wondering the same thing because although DS2 is not quite 6 weeks yet, I've been thinking about future babes. When we were deciding on when to have #2, we wanted them close together because we were pretty sure we'd want 3 and we didn't want #1 and #3 to be too far apart. So DS1 and DS2 are 23 months apart. But, even before we knew DS2 had Ds, we started thinking maybe 2 would be better. Just easier to be active and travel, more attention for both, more resources for each. But now that DS2 was born with Down syndrome, I feel like I want 3 again. Partially because I think it would be better for DS1 to have someone else (assuming LO#3 was typical kid) to help share the load with, (I"m terrified of the fact that it's possible that I'll be 90 and still caring for a dependent). But also (this is a safe place right ) because my visions of life always had 2 typical kids in it. Who knows how my feelings will change as I learn more about Ds and DS2 gets older and all the scary stuff I think about now will either be silly or real. Not that having another one would replace DS2, but I just feel like I still need to have another one that's DS1's mini me. I also know that doesn't happen ever anyway, but for now, thats what goes on in my little sleep deprived, still adjusting, brain. I'm actually thinking I might find a MFT counselor, or maybe just a support group (any ideas which might be more helpful, or both??). Obviously I'm not wanting to start trying for #3 yet but if I'm anything post partum this time like I was last time, I started obsessing over when to have another baby and could. not. stop. thinking about it. And if I'm going to be thinking about it, I want to be thinking about it for the right reasons. Who knows what DH has to say!!!


Im replying to come back later to read the responses. but Im wondering the same thing!!
Edited by mamahen2coop - 9/1/11 at 11:32am

[Mylie]

I did...My son was so severe and I swore I wasn't having anymore kids...Well here I am years and years later..I am raising my 4 year old granddaughter and she is so sweet and such a privelege to be raising...I wish I would have  had other kids..I really regret it now..I can look back and know the stress and difficulties with my son was why I chose not to have children..But each child would have been different and probably would have given me a different outlook..I really do regret it now...I have accepted it but I do regret it.

[askew]

Originally Posted by mamahen2coop 
But also (this is a safe place right ) because my visions of life always had 2 typical kids in it. Who knows how my feelings will change as I learn more about Ds and DS2 gets older and all the scary stuff I think about now will either be silly or real. Not that having another one would replace DS2, but I just feel like I still need to have another one that's DS1's mini me. I also know that doesn't happen ever anyway, but for now, thats what goes on in my little sleep deprived, still adjusting, brain. I'm actually thinking I might find a MFT counselor, or maybe just a support group (any ideas which might be more helpful, or both??). Obviously I'm not wanting to start trying for #3 yet but if I'm anything post partum this time like I was last time, I started obsessing over when to have another baby and could. not. stop. thinking about it. And if I'm going to be thinking about it, I want to be thinking about it for the right reasons. Who knows what DH has to say!!!

 

This is exactly how I felt after DD was born. I had a hard time accepting her, and I desperately wanted another child. Right away. I was trying to trick DH into having another, telling him it was a safe time. (he knew what I was up to anyway) I talked to someone about it, and realized I was trying to replace the daughter I had been expecting. I felt like it would be good for DS to have another typical sibling. It would be good for DD to have one younger than her to maybe reach milestones with. What I found was that as I started to accept DD, and really open myself to her as her own person, I started wanting another less. Then I got to a point where I felt like another might kill me, I am exhausted from the two I have. It was a strange process. Now I feel done. I am nearing 40, I am overwhelmed by life a lot with two kids, SN or not, and a full time job. I gave away all my pregnancy and infant stuff and am trying to get DH to get the big V. I think it might be better for my kids to have a third, but not for DH and I who feel very done. 

[mamahen2coop]

This is exactly how I felt after DD was born. I had a hard time accepting her, and I desperately wanted another child. Right away. I was trying to trick DH into having another, telling him it was a safe time. (he knew what I was up to anyway) I talked to someone about it, and realized I was trying to replace the daughter I had been expecting. I felt like it would be good for DS to have another typical sibling. It would be good for DD to have one younger than her to maybe reach milestones with. What I found was that as I started to accept DD, and really open myself to her as her own person, I started wanting another less. Then I got to a point where I felt like another might kill me, I am exhausted from the two I have. It was a strange process. Now I feel done. I am nearing 40, I am overwhelmed by life a lot with two kids, SN or not, and a full time job. I gave away all my pregnancy and infant stuff and am trying to get DH to get the big V. I think it might be better for my kids to have a third, but not for DH and I who feel very done.


I think I'm feeling the same way. I haven't quite accepted him yet. I do, I mean I interact with him and everything, but I just dont feel as connected to him as I remember feeling, and still do, with DS1. I already feel like I want to have #3 so they're 2 years apart like we had though of before so that we have baby before DS2 starts to really be more involved with everything and we think it's too hard having 3. But, that's why after we got prego with #2 that we felt like 2 would be good- because it would just logistically be so much easier with 2. I'm an RN so I work 2 12 hour shifts a week and so far either grandma or DH have watched DS1 but I dont think they'll be able to watch 2 at a time, let alone 3. I guess only time will tell as our feelings get sorted out more and DS2 starts to become himself.

[Emmeline II]

I answered for myself but I have a sister whose second child is SN. When she became pregnant with #3 we were all because it was apparent at that point that dn#2 had some significant issues (eventually a PDD-NOS diagnosis, and [in a nut shell] he will never be able to live independently) and they were struggling so much financially and otherwise. I don't know if #3 was purposeful or not (my sister is 15yrs older and we weren't that close then) but I think that having what turned out to be another 'typical' child really helped 'balance' her in dealing with all that was going on with #2 and what wouldn't be for him.

[askew]

Originally Posted by mamahen2coop 


I think I'm feeling the same way. I haven't quite accepted him yet. I do, I mean I interact with him and everything, but I just dont feel as connected to him as I remember feeling, and still do, with DS1. I already feel like I want to have #3 so they're 2 years apart like we had though of before so that we have baby before DS2 starts to really be more involved with everything and we think it's too hard having 3. But, that's why after we got prego with #2 that we felt like 2 would be good- because it would just logistically be so much easier with 2. I'm an RN so I work 2 12 hour shifts a week and so far either grandma or DH have watched DS1 but I dont think they'll be able to watch 2 at a time, let alone 3. I guess only time will tell as our feelings get sorted out more and DS2 starts to become himself.

Give yourself time. My DD just turned two. It took me that long. The first year of her life I feel like I cared for her well, but I didn't love her well. I told DS he was my favorite, a lot. I really felt a lot more connected to him. He is my little gifted preschooler, in a family where my DH went to college at 10, and I finished several post graduate degrees. It was hard for me to imagine a daughter who might never be independent, who might not enjoy books the way I had, music the way I did, travel the way we do. I had serious PPD, and I had a long grieving period. DH was awesome, unconditionally accepting and loving, so that helped. After a year DD started to emerge. (She had been on serious seizure meds for 6 months and really out of it.)  We got over the stress of dealing with sudden onset of seizures, got used to her diagnosis, and she weaned off the meds. She started to be more fun, honestly. She has a genetic condition that is a lot like Ds, so I really get the whole process you are going through. I think time will tell whether another is right for your family, and at some point you will know, or fate will decide. 

[babygirlie]

It's hard to feel connected with someone who never looks at you, barely acknowledges, never says mommy or I love you. it's HARD. You love them to death but yet not connected. It's hard to explain without sounding callous unless you've been there

[EarthyMamaofDaisy]

I have 2 kids, both unplanned.  #2 is a SN child.  I've been a lot more on top of the birth control since he was born, making sure as best I can not to have another surprise baby.  It's not so much that I don't want to have another child that's not "perfect" but that the first 2 years were very stressful and I had no energy to take care of a 2 year old plus a SN baby.  DS had open heart surgery, feeding issues, severe reflux that kept him up all night screaming and developmental delays.  If my husband had been at least a little bit helpful or emotionally supportive then I wouldn't mind having another child.  But I did it all myself and if I were to add another SN child to the mix I think I'd crumble and spiral into another depression just from all the work it takes. 

[Arete]

No, but a little reservation.  DS (our first), who is 14 months, has Down syndrome.  He is doing fantastically well, has never had so much as an ear infection, and is the sweetest, cuddliest, most loving babe I could imagine.  We're just about to start trying for #2.  What does scare me is the thought that the next may have it too.  (1 in a 100 odds, as has been said.) This may seem contradictory, because DS is such a joy, but I do still worry about his future when I let myself, and again, he is doing SO well, I figure, if we had another, how could we expect such an easy ride? So at least, I will be having a CVS test this time, because I gotta know.

[babygirlie]

It's 1/70 to have a spectrum baby in my area. A second adds what 20% to the odds? It seems way too high. I'm really struggling. Insurance won't cover fragile x testing either so there's another unknown

[jenrose]

In odd ways. If Shiny had been typically developing, I probably would have wanted another child in 2008-ish... my husband would likely have resisted.

But because she has such overwhelming special needs and aggression issues, there was no way I could consider dealing with pregnancy and another child until she was in school full time...and because she's DH's only child, he REALLY wanted to have another child. Shiny will never be a parent, will likely always struggle with the most basic things... and while we both love her to pieces, he really got a sense of what was missing when my niece was born, and I think he wants to experience parenting a child who can talk and read and interact more meaningfully. 

So we are having a third child in part because of her special needs, but it's happening a lot later than it might have, also because of her special needs. 

[peaceful_mama]

my 4th is going through some medical stuff.  We don't know beyond imperforate anus what he has or if it might be genetic.  As i said we have 4.  I don't think i could do this again.  and we have 4, which i thought was a good # anyway.  If this was #1 I'd have more.  but I feel now we should be done...there's only so much time and resources.

I don't think any1 here should feel guilty no matter which way you go.  Only you know your situation and ability to handle things.  You know what issues, if any your child is likely to have.  What matters is that YOURfamily is happy and your child(ren) grow up happy and knowing love.

[mamarhu]

Yes, having a SN kid made me rethink family size, but not at all in the way you meant. I decided to grow my family BECAUSE of my SN kid. He (my youngest) was 10  years old when I decided to become a foster/adoptive parent. Raising him, learning about the "system", just surviving those 10 years bolstered my confidence enough to take on therapeutic level, high needs foster children. I did a much better job with those kids because of the flexibility YoungSon taught me.

[mamanoish]

Yes and no. 

At first, very much guided to feel that way by others (family, friends) who would make little comments about my SNs (DS2) and how challenging it would be or unfair to him as he requires so much attention (ASD). DH and I always wanted a lot of kids and planned on TTC when he was 18m-2yrs. He was formally Dx'ed right before his third birthday, although we suspected it since 18 months. DS2 has always been this way since he was born, no regression issues. I always knew something was different.

So we delayed TTC, and DH and I had a lot of heart felt conversations about other peoples opinions and what we really wanted and what was best for our family. Ultimately we decided to TTC, had two losses and I am now 31 weeks pregnant with our third son. DS2 rubs my belly constantly and talks to his brother. Whether or not he truly understands that there is a human being inside of me is debatable, but I don't regret our decision at all. I'm sure there will be a typical phase that is challenging, just like when DS2 came along, and that our family dynamics will work themselves out.

Because I feel DS2's autism is genetic, of course I wonder if boy #3 will be autistic as well. There is a 1 in 4 chance with subsequent pregnancies if you are having another boy for an ASD diagnosis. If we have another child on the spectrum, we may re-evaluate our hopes of having four little ones, but who really knows. I don't really see his autism as disabling or inconvenient... he's just different than DS1. Still amazing in his own little way. So who knows. 

DH and I always used to talk about special needs adoption after we were done having kids of our own (when I was pregnant with DS2, before we had a special needs child of our own) and still discuss it once a month or so. We felt like we were so blessed with the children that we had that we wanted to give a chance to another child. God sure works in mysterious ways, and I think one day we will still adopt, probably special needs. Our family dynamics might not be "typical", but I still love every day with them. Easy or challenging. 

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by mamanoish 

Yes and no. 

At first, very much guided to feel that way by others (family, friends) who would make little comments about my SNs (DS2) and how challenging it would be or unfair to him as he requires so much attention (ASD). DH and I always wanted a lot of kids and planned on TTC when he was 18m-2yrs. He was formally Dx'ed right before his third birthday, although we suspected it since 18 months. DS2 has always been this way since he was born, no regression issues. I always knew something was different.

So we delayed TTC, and DH and I had a lot of heart felt conversations about other peoples opinions and what we really wanted and what was best for our family. Ultimately we decided to TTC, had two losses and I am now 31 weeks pregnant with our third son. DS2 rubs my belly constantly and talks to his brother. Whether or not he truly understands that there is a human being inside of me is debatable, but I don't regret our decision at all. I'm sure there will be a typical phase that is challenging, just like when DS2 came along, and that our family dynamics will work themselves out.

Because I feel DS2's autism is genetic, of course I wonder if boy #3 will be autistic as well. There is a 1 in 4 chance with subsequent pregnancies if you are having another boy for an ASD diagnosis. If we have another child on the spectrum, we may re-evaluate our hopes of having four little ones, but who really knows. I don't really see his autism as disabling or inconvenient... he's just different than DS1. Still amazing in his own little way. So who knows. 

DH and I always used to talk about special needs adoption after we were done having kids of our own (when I was pregnant with DS2, before we had a special needs child of our own) and still discuss it once a month or so. We felt like we were so blessed with the children that we had that we wanted to give a chance to another child. God sure works in mysterious ways, and I think one day we will still adopt, probably special needs. Our family dynamics might not be "typical", but I still love every day with them. Easy or challenging. 

OP here- Thanks for this!! I have 3 boys also. My DS2 was finally dx last week with ASD. Our DS1 and DS3 are both NT. I also strongly feel DS2's autism is genetic, he was very different from his brothers as a newborn even, I remember him just wanting to stare at ceiling fans even at 3 months old.

Sorry about your losses but a big congrats on your third little guy!! Btw my DS3 is also a Feb baby (2/8/11)- maybe your LO will be a Valentines baby :)

I don't see my DS2's autism as disabling, but I would be lying if I didn't say he is a LOT of work, he's more work than our other 2 combined. I am still grateful he's my son and I love him more than anything, I just worry how much energy I will have left for #4. I really want one more though.