Barely coping.

[MountainMamaGC]

So I have had some pretty major events happen recently.

1. I had a pretty severe crohns flare about a year ago. Got it under control with some risky medication.

2. I have been trying to get pregnant since Oct 2009 and I have had 6 early losses.

3. Crohns medication stopped worked and gave me drug induced lupus. I had to stop taking it and started to flare.

4. Now I am on a new drug, plus prednisone till the new drug kicks in and prednisone makes me nuts.

5. The winter was really really long, and the spring and summer have been cool and rainy, non stop. I think we have had 5 nice days so far. I so want some sunshine. I crave it. 

6. I had to give up TTC because of all my medications.

7. I really really really want another baby.

Through this all I have been depressed. I take vitamins and supplements, and eat healthy. I try my best to walk my dog every single day. I try to get out of the house, but I just cant get over this hump. I keep thinking, if I just do this or if I just do that I will feel better, but I dont. I feel tired, sad or apathetic about everything. Some days I break down and cry like its the end of the world. I lose my patience easily and I feel isolated from everyone. I give a hug and I want to feel love, and I just feel like a robot.

I have an appointment with my doctor, I think I want antidepressants. I have taken Zoloft and Effexor (not together) in the past along with counseling, but its been years since I have taken them. I kinda feel like I failed. 

I dont even know what kind of answer I am looking for here. Maybe just some commiseration.

[MoonWillow]

You certainly have commiseration! I have always struggled with my mental health. Some days are better than others. I take meds. I had to! Motherhood, between the hormones and everything else that goes along with it had me thrown for a MAJOR loop. I'm a much better mama being a medicated one.

I wish I had some sage words for you. It can be so hard. I will say that it helps me not to compare myself to other moms. Its hard not to do that but I find my self esteem is healthier when I do NOT do this. 

[meandmine]

My heart goes out to you.

I read in Flourish by Martin Seligman (I recommend it), that anti-depressants aren't a cure.  They can take care of the symptoms of depression, but they don't cure it.  So recurrence of depression is not uncommon and certainly not your fault.  You have such challenges; it would take a tremendously resilient spirit to stay up in the face of illness.

Be forgiving of yourself and it is ok to take anti-depressants if this period of challenge is creating depression.

I hope the weather and your spirits lift soon as well as your health!

M

[MountainMamaGC]

So after a long discussion with my GP, we decided to go with a 50 mg dose of zoloft. I started today. It made me drowsy and nauseas, but I should adjust. I think that was the dose I took many years ago. The pill looks the same. Now I just wait. I definitely dont want to be on them long term, but I think its a good idea during this time in my life, when things are always seem on shakey ground.

[BeautyforAshes]

Originally Posted by MoonWillow 

You certainly have commiseration! I have always struggled with my mental health. Some days are better than others. I take meds. I had to! Motherhood, between the hormones and everything else that goes along with it had me thrown for a MAJOR loop. I'm a much better mama being a medicated one.

I wish I had some sage words for you. It can be so hard. I will say that it helps me not to compare myself to other moms. Its hard not to do that but I find my self esteem is healthier when I do NOT do this. 

  I agree with everything the pp said. 

Glad you've got a plan and that you're on your way.  Give the Zoloft time to kick in, but if it doesn't take care of it, don't be afraid to try something else.

[MountainMamaGC]

I am still hanging in there. I think the zoloft is stablizing me as much as it can while I am on the steroids. I still get periods through out the day where my heart races and I feel panicky. I also get hyperactive and giddy, and I dont mind that part. My doc gave me ativan for the panic attacks and imovane to help me sleep while I am on the prednisone. I have never been so medicated in my life, but I just need to get through the next 3 months with everybody's head on their shoulders. :)

[LynnS6]

You have not failed because you need pharmaceuticals for your anxiety/depression. You haven't failed because your Crohn's medication worked either. Both are things that are outside your control.

That being said, I'd highly recommend a psychiatrist -- it sounds like you've got some cycling going on that might be due to the steroids and might be something else. I think you need a bit more careful control over your meds. The other thing is that 50 mg of Zoloft is a starter dose. You might need higher. It's OK to take higher.

[MountainMamaGC]

Thanks for the support Lynn. I live out in the sticks so its really hard for me to find a psychiatrist with all the driving I already do with the crohns and all. I may sign up for counselling though. I put it off becuase the waiting list is so long in the town I live in.

As of right now I am doing ok. Less periods of the jitters throughout the day and I saw my GP on Thursday and she wants to see me again at the end of September when I start to taper the prednisone, because I told her thats when I get the crashing depression. She may up my dose then. This is going to sound weird, but I am noticing the things/people I love a lot more. Like my daughter and my dog are cuter than usual, if that makes any sense.

[LynnS6]

Hope things are going OK for you. Do sign up for counseling. You may not need many sessions by the time they can get you in, but it can't hurt.

[kayleesmom]

just wanted to send hugs. i hope things start getting better for u .

[birdhappy85]

Feel better soon!

Edited by birdhappy85 - 4/27/13 at 6:28pm