Anyone else feeling a little blue?

[mugglesmom]

I know I'm supposed to be thrilled and feeling great about my little guy.  I think I'm having a hard time processing the c-section.  I thought I was ok with it, that it was the right thing to do but I feel like such a failure.  Why couldn't I have my home birth?  What did I do wrong?  On top of that nursing has been a struggle.  He has torn me to shreds and now I have thrush.  It just keeps getting worse.  All he wants to do is nurse for hours at a time and I cry and grit my teeth through almost every feeding.  I always thought being a mom was my calling and now everything is going so wrong I just feel like a huge failure.  Am I the only one?

[guatemama1]

Hey there fellow new mama... I don't have those same issues but I do find myself in bouts of blue, too... It's just not easy, not that anyone said it would be, but ya know, it's quite the adjustment.

I'm finding myself inexplicably going between needing some time to myself - frustrated I can't do anything like finish a task or sleep more than a few hours at a time because I'm on constant call to nurse ... and feeling super selfish and not wanting anyone to hold the baby but me.

I always feel bad when I find myself "bothered" by having to stop what I'm doing and breast feed - I mean what a jerk I am! And I know I need to get out of the house... I haven't left in 3 weeks now... yikes... but I'm intimidated by the outside world - where do I change him? where do I breast feed? what if he freaks out and I can't calm him down and everyone stares at me?

Anyway, mama, I hear ya - I'm sorry about the thrush & feeling down post-Cesarean. Luckily there's a lotta ladies here in your DDC and in other forums who can relate and support.... if you don't already have non-internet folks on your side, too :) Feel better.

(edited for spelling :)

Edited by guatemama1 - 8/8/11 at 9:18am

[scottishmommy]

I'm DDCC to say that I went through similar feelings when DD was a newborn! I didn't have a C-section, but I did tear horribly and had some really bad prolapse issues. I felt like a total failure! On top of it nursing hurt so much. I also had thrush. Ugh! Do you have a script for Diflucan? That helped clear up the thrush very quickly. My Dr. gave me 7 pills, not the usual 1 you take for vaginal thrush. I also had a prescription for Newman's Nipple cream. If you don't have that ask your HCP to get you some ASAP. It was a gift from heaven.
I hope you feel better soon! I promise it gets better. I hated nursing when DD was a newborn, but eventually I ended up loving it. She nursed till she was 2 1/2! I couldn't believe it because it was so horrible when she was little.

[scottishmommy]

I also wanted to add that there is a lot more to mothering than taking care of a newborn. You will be a mom for the rest of your life. I think it's hard because at this stage all you are really doing is keeping your kid alive. It doesn't really feel like mothering when all you do is change diapers, comfort and breastfeed. As your baby develops you'll get to have more fun! He'll respond to you more and you can start nurturing his mind and personality.

[guatemama1]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy 

I also wanted to add that there is a lot more to mothering than taking care of a newborn. You will be a mom for the rest of your life. I think it's hard because at this stage all you are really doing is keeping your kid alive. It doesn't really feel like mothering when all you do is change diapers, comfort and breastfeed. As your baby develops you'll get to have more fun! He'll respond to you more and you can start nurturing his mind and personality.

I try to remember that! I find myself daydreaming about when he'll be big enough and we can hug each other :) I dream of hugs!

[lovelylisa]

I felt the same way you do Libby. The c-section really messed with my emotions a lot and I was really depressed for a while. I was afraid that I wasn't going to get over it. For me it helped to allow myself to be upset about it. Even though your baby is here safe and sound, you still kind of missed an experience you were hoping for, and it's ok to grieve that. You didn't do anything wrong. You made the best decision for the health of you and your baby. It's ok to be upset that it didn't come out the way you planned. (I had to tell myself this like all the time)

One of my midwives told me that the first 6 weeks or so is not about being perfect, but about survival...you will get through it. And you'll feel amazing and so much stronger because of it.

hugs Mama. I know that feeling.

[SuburbanHippie]

I felt like a complete failure when I had the c/s.  I was going back in my mind and thinking "Why did I let them do that?  I should have just said no again!"  I know I could have done it without it so why did I back down?  But you know what?  No one is going to ask my DD at her first job interview or her college graduation if she was delivered vaginally or via c/s.  It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.  She is healthy and I am healthy and it's over now.  So I just need to relax, accept it, and move on.  It took me a few weeks to get to the point of moving on though.

[cupcait]

 Hugs mama! I too am processing/grieving the loss of my home birth. I did get to experience labor and pushing at home over the course of several days but needed to transfer mostly for exhaustion, poor fetal positioning and meconium staining in the amniotic fluid. It ended up being the right thing to do because baby needed a lot of help getting started and would've transferred anyways. 

I'm happy and grateful for getting a vaginal/unmedicated birth and for a healthy boy, but I still feel sad about giving up what I was hoping for. 

I can't really read about home birth, look at the photos, etc without getting weepy or feeling like things could've been different. 

I hope you find some peace about your birth experience and support for what your going through. Your doing a good job and your baby is lucky to have you for a mama.

[stellabluz]

On the breastfeeding...can you get a doctors script for Diflucan or something to help with the thrush? My mw has said it has dramatically helped the thrush and the pain associated with it within like 24 hours. If you are in that much pain and pushin on through with the feedings, you are bound to feel completely exhausted and down. That might be something that you can deal with now and see some real relief. That might be a good start for you. And from your birth story, you sounded amazing and endured long and strong for your birth. I would guess it takes a good time healing over the hb loss, wish you peace and strength for that time.

[mugglesmom]

Thank you everyone for the support.  Now they think maybe it isn't only yeast.  Little Fosston apparently has a very tiny mouth and pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth, plus my milk ducts spasm so my let down is really irritating.  So far breastfeeding just plain sucks right now.  I had this vision of lounging with my beautiful (home birthed) baby and nursing him in some sun filled field or something.  I know it's insane and I have to get over it but I'm  just grieving and some days are better than others.  I just HOPE that it gets better. 

[azzeps]

mugglesmom (and everybody else) - know that it's okay to grieve.  You don't need to rush to "get over it" and don't let anyone tell you that you need to, or that you should just be happy to have a healthy baby, or whatever.  My first birth experience was a big disappointment.  I planned for a birth center birth and ended up with a cesarean.  I'm still not "over it" and don't think I will be.  I'm not depressed about it anymore, but certainly I don't think I'll ever not think of it as a disappointment.  And it's not the child, it's the experience of birthing her that was the disappointment.  I think when you don't end up with what you expect to have, it is really hard to take, whether or not you ended up with a cesarean, or just a difficult vaginal delivery, or had to transfer to the hospital but were still able to deliver vaginally. 

For those of you who are struggling with having to have a cesarean, I found ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) to be very helpful to me in my healing journey, and my eventual HBAC last month.  I encourage you to look up your local chapter at www.ican-online.org and go to a few support meetings.  It is so great to connect with other women who have had c-sections and "get it".  They will understand what you are going through right now, and in the future.  Check it out when you feel ready!

[MarineWife]

My first was born c-section after a planned natural birth. That was over 20 years ago. I took a Lamaze class and had every intention of not having any drugs at all. Obviously, that was all gone once I learned I had to have a c-section. Even though I still know to this day that I made the right decision based on the info I had at the time, I'm not completely okay with it. That's not how I wanted to birth my baby. Like a PP said, I'm not depressed about it anymore but I don't think I'll ever be completely "over it".

I'm now nursing newborn #4 and it's still not easy. I had serious pain in the beginning, with cracked nipples and toe-curling pain that made me cry every time he latched on. Now at 2 weeks the pain is pretty much gone, thankfully, but I'm dealing with oversupply and forceful let down problems. My milk comes out so hard and so fast that baby can't take it. He chokes and pops off sputtering and coughing. Then he has awful gas from gulping and probably from a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. I am now block nurse in hopes of getting all of that under control. Breastfeeding may be simple but it sure isn't easy. So, know that none of this is your fault. You are not a failure. Even those of us who are seasoned breastfeeders (I have breastfed all of my boys for at least a year) have difficulty. Hang in there and things will get better if you get help. Do you go to La Leche League meetings? Even if you see a doctor and a lactation consultant, LLL meetings can be an enormous comfort and support.

Forgot to say that your hormones are going crazy now, too. That can make you feel sad or depressed even when everything seems perfect. Keep that in mind and get support and help for that if needed. Don't discount or ignore it. PPD can be very serious.