Preparation for Fathers to be

[sandy from Toronto]

Hi,
I am a first time mom to be and I was wondering about other moms-to-be's experiences re: their partners/husbands. My husband is excited about having the baby, but hasn't done any reading or real preparation yet. I am reading volumes and could soon author an encylopedia on childbirth and infant care. I can't help but feel pissed off on some level at my hubby. I interpret this lack of preparation as some disinterest or feeling of not really being responsible for the welfare of the baby. Do you think I am being unreasonable/unrealistic? What are other women's partners doing to prepare?
Sandy

[banana girl]

Hi Sandy!

I'm piping in from the September Group, sorry to lurk.. anyway you mentioned you have been reading alot, have any of these books been "partner friendly"? Try peaking his intrest by reading some stuff aloud. I found a really great book about sex and intimacy during pregnancy. I gotta tell you, he seems to enjoy reading THAT pregnancy book!


Be sure and give him credit for what he is doing "right", and Good Luck!

Anna

[Dodo]

Judging by how often this appears as a thread topic, I'd say that it's a pretty common issue. From what I've read (and experienced), most fathers get on board when the baby's born. My dh was very disinterested when I was pregnant, but is one of the most involved dads around.

[LizaBear]

With our first, there was never any doubt that my husband was completely interested and into the pregnancy, becoming a father, everything. But he never picked up a book nor read anything I didn't expressly hand him.

BUT - he's not a reader, he does not read for enjoyment regularily - he'll flip to the sports section of the paper to read the stats or a quick recap, that's it.

So, for me to expect him to read up on pregnancy and child care was kind of silly - it's not something that he would do on his own. He asked questions, listened, we talked. He just didn't read or research. It's not him.

At first I felt a little upset by his lack of reading/research, but I got over that quick - realizing that it was MY expectations that were off base, not his actions.

IS your hubby normally a reader, a researcher ? If so, then yes, I'd be upset. If he's not, then I wouldn't worry about it - share what you read, and let him ask questions.

[SamuraiEarthMama]

my dh is very much following my lead in this pregnancy. he'll read something or watch a video if i put it in front of him, and he'll be polite at the midwife's appointment, but he's really not looking to do anything more than he's asked to.

i dunno, i don't think it's a reflection on his ability to help at the birth or after... but he's a guy and he really just doesn't get it. i don't blame him... i just look to the midwives and my gal pals for the support i need. if i didn't have midwives, i'd DEFINITELY have a doula (or two) at my labor, because women know what women need, and expecting a guy to suddenly understand a hard-working uterus and its effects is just unrealistic.

he'll be sympathetic, he'll do what he's asked, but he can't possibly know intuitively what i'm gonna need.

k

[mommycaroline]

You know, I think it can be really hard for men to get into having babies. I try to look at it from his perspective. *I* get to feel the baby moving during pregnancy, *I* get the privilege of growing new life inside of me, *I* get all this extra attention, etc, etc. And, while it's really hard to be pregnant, it's just so instinctive for us, that men may miss what it takes out of us. We spend our whole lives, some of us, knowing that someday we'll carry a child, and knowing how special that is. What do men get? One good orgasm and then they have to massage our feet for 9 months! LOL.

My DH was very interested while I was pregnant, he did read the one book I gave him "Becoming a Father" I think it was. But, still, he was very much on the outside. He'd ask to feel the baby, and sit there with endless patience while we waited for my DD to cooperate, but man, that must have been hard for him. He had to have *my* permission, and *her* cooperation, where it just happens for me a hundred times a day.

And, then, once she was born, he felt a little out of place then. He never complained, but I could tell it was hard for him. He didn't quite know what to do. New babies are really not much more than eating, sleeping and pooping machines. They don't have a whole lot of personality just beaming out at you. It takes a while to get to know them, and for them to start feeling somewhat human, you know? And, I just *knew* what to do, all along. *I* got her first smile, her first laugh, I got to hold her all the time, she cried with Daddy and going back to me was sometimes all it took to make her feel better. Hard stuff for Daddies to deal with. But, it gets better. With time, patience, and a lot of persistence on Daddy's part, they come around. We just model what's going on, and they catch on.

Now, we're pregnant again and it's amazing to me how much more involved he is this time! He dug out his old book, and he's been wowing me with facts. "Did you know that the baby probably weighs about 14 ounces right now?" that sort of thing. So much more involved, so much more interested. And, he *offers* to rub my feet every night this time. "It must be really hard on you being pregnant and dealing with a 2 year old all day." Is this the same man I married??? LOL.

So, I wouldn't worry too much if he seems kind of clueless. He'll get there.

[Solange]

Sandy
Ditto on what everyone else said...my dh is not a reader and he is not as into the whole pregnancy part as I am, he does ask now the baby is doing for the day on movement and how I am feeling, but other than that, that is it. I think Caroline descirbed this well.

He really had some great ideals already when ds #1 came, about co-sleeping and bf, so the other aspects of our(my ) choices in parneting(ap parenting) just came along with those two biggies and he just follows my lead.

So I would give your dh a break...he is into the whole baby thing anyway..so he will probably just do like the rest of our Dh's and follow your lead once baby is here....

[Tanibani]

Originally posted by apmamma
So I would give your dh a break...he is into the whole baby thing anyway..so he will probably just do like the rest of our Dh's and follow your lead once baby is here....

My DH *is* a big reader (devours crime books and other books) but had no interest in reading any pg book. I did not hold that against him. I can't stand crime, detective novels and I would be resentful if he was asking me to read one. "Honey, I'm really not interested" and that's OK.

What's important is that he goes to childbirth, childcare prep classes. Like a Breastfeeding class, so he understand the basics. Drag him to all of them!

Once I did leave out Dr. Sears Baby Book and he read the chapter on BFing on his own (he missed the Bradley class on that topic) and it was eye opening to him.

He *hated* attending the Bradley class. He was bored silly. He caught a cold for the last few sessions, so he had an easy out. Good thing I wasn't counting on him to be a Bradley coach (I did HypnoBirthing instead, with great success - I didn't need anybody "coaching" me.) But he made up for it by expressing interest in attending my HypnoBirthing classes (he had a cold and couldn't attend the first 3) so our practioner let him go (and me) a 2nd time. He wanted to understand what it was about.

Mommycaroline is right about them feeling a little clueless in the beginning. I did feel way more intuitive and in touch with my baby, but I could have used more help in the first 2 weeks postpartum. My husband didn't even feel comfortable holding the baby much (he's tall, got stiff and comlained he didn't have comfy breasts to lean on : - which totally stressed me out because I needed a break. My baby was "high needs" which meant he THRIVED on being held, carried and cried when he was put down. So my arms were aching, but I refused to put him down - it didn't feel right.

And DH refused to change diapers. If I had to do this all over again, I would have made him change the diapers, since I was breastfeeding all the time. It was "too much" work for me in the beginning (I felt like I was doing 24/7 baby care.)

T

Originally posted by sandy from Toronto
I interpret this lack of preparation as some disinterest or feeling of not really being responsible for the welfare of the baby.

I really don't know. I wonder if that is predicatable. I would love to see a study on this! I do know many women do struggle with this (including me in the first year.) I was resentful with DH for refusing to change diapers. I felt like I did most of the work. Over time "I got over it." But I was very angry about it. I have a friend who had BFing issues so she had to FF and her DH also refused to feed/clean bottles. He saw it as her job. A friend who just had a baby - same thing.... she's furious at her DH because he doesn't do as much as she does (and he's home during the day and works at night). They fight all the time now - sad. Naomi Wolf wrote about this problem in one of the last chapters of her book Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, on the Journey to Motherhood (which I really enjoyed overall). That chapter really brought back memories for me.

[SamuraiEarthMama]

Originally posted by mommycaroline
[B]We spend our whole lives, some of us, knowing that someday we'll carry a child, and knowing how special that is. What do men get? One good orgasm and then they have to massage our feet for 9 months! LOL.[B]

i don't use smilies often, but this one really called for it!
:

i just got a package with a copy of Penny Simkin's "The Birth Partner." we're not doing childbirth education classes, so i'm asking dh to read through this. not really for him to know what to DO under certain circumstances, but more to get him ready to experience witnessing a labor... so many different things could happen, and i won't necessarily be in a position to reassure him that things are fine. kind of, forewarned is forearmed. we'll see if he actually reads it, or winds up hiding out in the basement!

katje

[Tanibani]

SamuraiEarthMama, it would GREAT if he read that book!

Your post reminded me of something.... since DH wasn't willing to read EVERYTHING, I just told DH a few things I read here and there that made a big impact on me - that I thought HE should know about.

For example, in "Birthing From Within" the author points out that a good job for the partner/husband is to be the "lion at the door." : Meaning he was my protector. I would be in no shape to "argue" with anybody and if anybody (nurse, whatever) did something to step over the line, he would have to step in and stand up for me. I'm glad we talked about it before hand so it was clear and he understood it. He had no problem with this.

[SamuraiEarthMama]

he picked it up and read the first chapter tonight. and he commented on a few things he didn't know, already! he also said that he liked the no-nonsense style of the book (a lot of my other favorite pregnancy books are pretty touchy-feely, and not his style: Birthing from Within, Spiritual Midwifery, and so on).

he also read Our Babies, Ourselves about a year ago, but he's an evolutionary biologist and there were some discussions in there that were really up his alley.

so definitely, i think customizing my expectations to his abilities and interests are paying off.

k