Ideas for 2.5 y.o. granddaughter's behaviors

[grandma63]

My son called me today asking for help with handling the negative behaviors of their 2.5 year old daughter.  First off - I am 99.9% positive of the reason(s) my 2.5 year old granddaughter is acting out - she is one very confused little girl and doesn't have the vocab to express her feelings - thus the behaviors. 

She is my son's stepdaughter - he is the 3rd male figure in her short little life - her biological father has not seen her in several months again as he is not supporting her (not fulfilling his support order - as little as it is as he has 3 other children 2 and under); and her mom's ex-boyfriend, who her mom and she lived with from the time she was born until her mom moved out and into her parents house (she was 7 months old).  My son started dating my daughter-in-law when my gd was 9 months old.  This is when we came into her life. 

Shortly after they met (and found out they were having a baby), my son, dil, and gd moved to an apartment in a different town close by;  Their baby was born in May of 2010 (another little girl), they were married in June 2010, and moved, again, back to our hometown to an apartment. 

On top of all the changes, my son and dil have had their problems and at times there is alot of tension. 

Then last week, they stayed with the in-laws until they got packed up to MOVE AGAIN. My son recently got a job about 1.5 hours away from our hometown and this past weekend they moved to yet another house (this time it is an actual house on a farm - lots of room to run and play).  He started his new job today. And my dil is currently a stay-at-home mom. 

Now for the problem - which, by the way, they had when they moved into the apartment in town after getting married but then is subsided after a week or so - My sweet little gd (2.5 yo) started acting out by taking her pull-ups off and dificating and smearing it all over her bedroom in order to avoid naps and bedtime; it almost seems like she is holding her bowels until that time so she can do this. 

Also, she is going into her little sister's room and crawling into the crib and waking her up.  So - now my dil also has a very sleep deprived 15 month old to contend with.  My gd also has started "not listening" again and purposely doing what you tell her she should not do.  She runs away from you if you try to stop her from doing something to her sister or breaking something purposely, etc.  My son and dil use time out for punishment; but I have a feeling they are both becoming increasingly upset when disciplining her; my GD does know how to be a 2.5 year old - test those waters! 

Now the issue has grown into a bigger problem (not the normal behaviors) because of what I am sure is her confusion and frustration.  I have told them to be consistent and give her time-outs for misbehaving - 2 minutes in the corner and to keep putting her back in when she leaves the time-out area and don't give in until she has stood their for 2 whole minutes.

I suggested they handle the messing the bedroom issue by quietly taking care of her and the mess without any fussing, yelling, etc. then put her immediately back to bed; to NOT react.  They have been potty training her and she was doing well but then regressed in the past 6 months.

I would appreciate any other ideas anyone would have.  I love my little granddaughters; and I think we are the most stable part of my 2.5 yo gd's life right now; even though now we won't see her or her sister quite as much.  It breaks my heart to see her go through all of this - she needs stability and love and patience.  It is not her fault but I also know it is very frustrating for my son and dil.  What can they do to help her adjust?; and what can they do to address the behaviors?

Edited by grandma63 - 8/9/11 at 6:32am

[Adaline'sMama]

Wow. Well,

It sounds like your son and dil have their hands full.

I dont really think time outs work for most children, but especially not children that young.

Also, I dont really think that your granddaughter's behaviors are that abnormal. How many naps is she having per day. A lot of kids only need one nap at that age, so if she is getting two she might just be bored and not tired. Also, I would think that its more likely that she is taking off her diaper because she doesnt want to a) poop in it or b) sit in the poop. For me it would be a sign that she is for sure ready to be potty trained. My kid takes her diaper off every time she poops. Within seconds. And then it gets on her hands and she doesnt like that, so she tries to get it off, by smearing it on the floor.

Also, I dont think its weird for a 2.5 year old to want to know what their little sibling is doing. They arent that far apart. She probably just wants to play.

You may have more luck if you edit your post to break things down into paragraphs, because its kind of hard to keep all of the information straight

Congrats on your new grandbabies!

[Marissamom]

I agree on time-outs not really working for that age range, we only use them when DD is mad and needs to be removed from a situation, and then it's usually just me sitting with her for less than a minute while she calms down. DD also did the take off the poopy diaper thing for a while, she was ready for A: the start of potty-training, B: to be done taking naps, some kids don't need naps a lot earlier than others.

with going and waking up her sister, either a gate in the little-sister's doorway or a door-knob cover and closed door, toddler's hate it when their playmates are sleeping and often try to wake them up. 

[grandma63]

Thanks to both of you for reassurance on her behavior.  I will pass on the info to my son and wife - they will be happy to hear it is relatively normal.  I think it mostly is momma and daddy needing some parenting skills.  They both are very young (20 & 21) and had babies way before they were ready (she had just turned 19 when she had her first baby) and 20 when my son and her had their first together (my son was just 19).  They love those little girls but just do not have that wisdom yet. 

I will have to go and check out potty training idea forums now - they started her a long time ago (she wanted to go), but she has regressed a couple times with the changes in their lives.  I had all boys and I truly believe that the two younger ones learned from their older brother.  I do not remember having this hard of a time with mine (except the first one - I thought he was going to go to college with a box of diapers under one arm and a container of baby wipes under the other!  Thankfully - he learned well before that.  The taking the diaper off because she pooped and then getting it on her hands and trying to wipe it off makes alot of sense.  Again, I never dealt with anything like that with mine so had no idea what was going on and what to do about it. 

I will have to encourage my DIL to spend nap time with the 2.5 y.o. reading and doing one on one things with her while her sister naps.

I also will suggest the baby gate in the doorway. 

Thanks again!

[mkksmom]

I agree. It doesn't sound to me like she is acting out at all. Sounds like normal 2 year-old stuff to me. I know my brother's twins both did the nap time paintings, as well as my friend's daughter. They ended up making sure to put pajamas that zip on backwards (cut the feet out first) during nap times while they worked on potty training. I think most toddlers don't realize they have to go until they are sitting still, so that's why nap time. 2.5 is not late at all for potty training. I read that on average girls train around 3-3.5 and boys around 3.5-4 years old. I have no idea how true that is, but it might take the pressure off a bit. I think that before nap time, I'd try to give her some time on the potty and see if she has to go. My friend found success with teaching her kids to sit and try after meals. Wouldn't have worked for my older dd. She had to be in control and did best when I just waited till she was ready and left it up to her (around age 3). I think your idea of quietly cleaning her up at nap time is good. I don't think 2.5 is late at all for potty training. I read that on average girls train around 3-3.5 and boys around 3.5-4 years old. I have no idea how true that is, but it made me feel better.

Sounds like your son and DIL just want to do a good job parenting in a tough situation. Toddlers can be frustrating, and that's normal. But knowing that all of these behaviors are normal and expected might take some pressure off.

Honestly, I can't always rely on my 7 year-old not to wake up her sister. Mostly, she's just loud and excited, but a few times, she just wanted her playmate up. I use the radio as background noise to block out her excited "outbursts."