Broken.

[crunchy_mommy]

I feel empty and dead.

When I feel anything, it's just anger and pain.

I don't know what to do. I have asked for help but can't get it. I have tried to help myself but I just can't.

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of putting on my happy face. I'm sick of feeling lost and lonely. I'm sick of not being able to do the things I want to do. I'm just sick of life.

[blessedwithboys]

Oh, girl, I couldn't read and not respond.  I'm so sorry you are having a hard time!  I've felt just the way you describe feeling.  I seem to reach that point in cycles, up and down, good and bad.  Is it like that for you?

[BabyMae09]

I'm so, so sorry *hug*

Is there any more detail that you can share that would help us help you?

*hug*

[crunchy_mommy]

Yes, it's totally in cycles, last week I was doing awesome and this week I just want to die.

I hurt so much and I can't stand being in my own skin.

It's nothing in particular. I've had a crappy past with sexual and physical abuse and being locked up in a psych ward and nearly being killed and severe anxiety, anorexia, depression, self-injury, etc. and now I'm having major problems being around my family (parents, I mean) because of what I'm coming to see as possibly abuse from THEM too. It's like when you find out about Santa, except worse because at least with Santa you always had a little suspicion. I had a bit of a break with no contact for a month and then they called me (just to chat) and I just about fell apart. And I'm so overwhelmed with my health issues, my thyroid meds aren't working and I'm completely useless, a big fat lump on a log (er... the couch). My DS is driving me insane and now he's having some neurological problems and I'm terrified something is seriously wrong with him and they can't get him in for an EEG until the end of the month. The kid refuses to sleep and has been screaming at me for the last 5 hours. My DH can't seem to read my mind, and yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds... but I just wish he could tune in (socially/emotionally) and understand and lift me up. He tries so hard but he doesn't get it. Of course not, because nobody gets it, and really I don't give anyone a chance to. I'm always hiding myself and my past and I'm just so tired of it. I want to live a normal life in a normal body with a normal brain and just not deal with all this crap. I want people to know who I am. I want someone to help me but I don't want the judgement and I have a huge phone phobia so I can't even call to make an appointment with a therapist -- and my email bounced -- and anyway, I don't know that I could even open up to a therapist, because my anxiety around my issues is just so bad and I clam up. I hate myself so, so much and I just feel myself falling fast.

[Linda on the move]

     

Have you thought about doing some body work instead of talk work? That's how I got into yoga. We store emotions in our muscles, and when we work with our bodies, we can start to release stuff.

If you don't like the idea of yoga (not every one does) there is a style of body work called Trauma Releasing Exercise that has that some of the same benefits, but without the new agey stuff. There's a DVD, so it's something you could do at home, by yourself, without having to call or meet new people (I know how difficult that can be when we are in the dark place)

here's a link about TRE http://www.traumaprevention.com./

You said, "I want to live a normal life in a normal body with a normal brain and just not deal with all this crap. I want people to know who I am. I want someone to help me."  You can have this. This is doable. Right now, just hold the tiny hope that something will make sense for you and that you will find that sense of relief that you need so much.

Peace

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

     

Have you thought about doing some body work instead of talk work? That's how I got into yoga. We store emotions in our muscles, and when we work with our bodies, we can start to release stuff.

If you don't like the idea of yoga (not every one does) there is a style of body work called Trauma Releasing Exercise that has that some of the same benefits, but without the new agey stuff. There's a DVD, so it's something you could do at home, by yourself, without having to call or meet new people (I know how difficult that can be when we are in the dark place)

here's a link about TRE http://www.traumaprevention.com./

You said, "I want to live a normal life in a normal body with a normal brain and just not deal with all this crap. I want people to know who I am. I want someone to help me."  You can have this. This is doable. Right now, just hold the tiny hope that something will make sense for you and that you will find that sense of relief that you need so much.

Peace

Exercise helped me ALOT! My outlet was running. When I first started my medication this go 'round, I had ALOT on my plate, and had to get established with the mental health center(took a while). The list of stuff to get done seemed SO overwhelming when I looked at all of the stuff that needed done. When I focused on one thing at a time and told myself I was one step closer to being well, it helped me. Take care of your son's stuff, then get help for you, and then focus on you and your husband. YOU are most important right now, because of how horrible you feel. If you can't function, it's not a healthy household, and the guilt of that can seem overwhelming too. When I was sick, I couldn't physically function, and the house was constantly trashed and the kids weren't getting the attention they needed. I hope you can get stuff figured out. I don't know what is up with your family, but for my family, if I needed to cut them out of my life, I would tell them to leave me alone and that would be that.
 

[tinuviel_k]

I am sorry this is such a dark time for you. (((hug)))

[crunchy_mommy]

Thank you guys. I will look into the TRE, Linda, I never heard of that. Body work might be really great for me.

Doing a bit better today. I do think exercise of ANY kind would help me, if I could manage to do it. I have a hard time even getting off the couch/bed many days, due to the medical issues (was hoping the thyroid meds would help but they don't seem to do ANYTHING, weird). I need to figure things out, figure out where to go from here, get DS squared away (hopefully it's nothing serious and he'll be just fine, but I'm so so worried!!) Find DH a job and then get back into a routine and maybe things will be good. Thanks for all the hugs, I really need them.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

 I have a hard time even getting off the couch/bed many days, due to the medical issues (was hoping the thyroid meds would help but they don't seem to do ANYTHING, weird).

There's a yoga CD that is done lying done and can even be done in bed. Here's the description

CD: A GENTLE WAY

1 ½ hrs of deep relaxation techniques, gentle stretches, and a few deeper spinal stretches. Yoga for your back, spine, hips and central nervous system. This sample class is a combination of some of the poses we do in our “pink” and “purple” classes at our Center. Done completely lying down on the floor or in a firm bed student need only do what feels easy and wonderful for their body. A Great CD for All Levels and Abilities!

Here is a link the yoga studio that produces the CD, and explains what pink and purple classes are:

http://agentleway.com/

The page to order from (if you decide to):

https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/ASP/home.asp?studioid=3722

I've never done this CD, but I've been thinking about ordering for ideas for the classes I teach. I went to a retreat last year with the woman on the CD and she was AMAZING. Totally amazing.

Things will get better. They really will. Your whole family has just got hit so hard, but things will calm down and you guys will be happy again.

much love and compassion

(I've been to the dark place, I know what it's like there)

Linda

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks so much Linda, that's a great idea!!! You have answers even for my 'impossible' problems lol.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 
 You have answers even for my 'impossible' problems lol.

  I hope you are having a better day to day and that you are feeling a little more hopeful about the future.

[crunchy_mommy]

I am doing MUCH better today. I spent the last 2 days hanging out all day with close friends and their kids and it really lifted my spirits. I am so so much happier when I am around my friends... but it's hard because I don't want to be 'needy' or anything so sometimes there are big gaps in my social calendar (the last 2 days were last-minute get-togethers so I thought I had nothing going on all week). Plus sometimes when I am around friends I still feel so lost & lonely -- usually when there's something weighing on me but I don't feel comfortable talking about it or whatever. I have a horrendous time opening up to people but I really, really want to. OK I'm starting to ramble, sorry!!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

 I am so so much happier when I am around my friends...

I think it's pretty normal to feel more balanced when we are around people that feel safe to us.  I don't think we were meant to spend the massive amounts of time alone with just our small children that most SAHMs do. 

Do you have a good friend that you could talk to about getting together with to clean house? I never managed to arrange this, but it was one of my ideas for my own depression. I always thought it would be wonderful to have a friend that I spent two days a week with -- one at her house cleaning, and one at my house cleaning. In my fantasy, the kids helped keep each other amused.

[midnightwriter]

So glad you're feeling better.  It is also good that you recognise that the moods are cyclical. I recently realised that taking Evening Primrose Oil affects my mood immensely. 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I think it's pretty normal to feel more balanced when we are around people that feel safe to us.  I don't think we were meant to spend the massive amounts of time alone with just our small children that most SAHMs do. 

Do you have a good friend that you could talk to about getting together with to clean house? I never managed to arrange this, but it was one of my ideas for my own depression. I always thought it would be wonderful to have a friend that I spent two days a week with -- one at her house cleaning, and one at my house cleaning. In my fantasy, the kids helped keep each other amused.

You know, I never anticipated feeling so alone when I decided to be a stay at home mom. In the beginning, it was cool, it was fun. Get to be home with my lovey dovies and give a kiss to my sweetie when he walked in. And then......I started to get bored and confined feeling. I hadn't talked to an adult in a regular everyday conversation in MONTHS. Nobody to talk or vent to except "online friends". WHICH by the way, weren't friends at all; they used my vents against me when I made a life mistake and tore me down repeatedly over several months and stalked me. Awesome, right? So add that to the mix of feeling like I can't function, any health problems, keeping up with the house, feed clothe and bathe the children daily, teach them how to be good little people and how to count to ten by age 3 and you just want to rip your hair out or go hide. It feels like too much and when you try to get out there and get a part time job, you get anxiety about being around people or being rejected for the job. You can't make new friends, because you they might not like you. They can't come to your house, because it's not as clean as you feel it should be for a SAHM. It's a cycle that took me a LONG time to recognize and see that something was wrong. I thought it must be normal, no SAHM can keep up with it all AND have friends, right? How do they "keep it together"?

And shortly after I saw there was a problem, I started seeing a therapist. We quickly found the spot where I was going wrong. I had trouble IDENTIFYING myself. I didn't know who I was besides a mom, a wife, a sister and a daughter. Those 4 things consumed my life. There was nothing for ME. What WAS I? Who did I want to be? I realized that before I got pregnant the first time, I had ran and worked out, but that stopped after becoming a mom. I found running really rewarding my whole life. I used to write before becoming a mom, because it helped me get all the junk out of my head. So I took a little bit of mom, wife, sister, daughter time out of my day and injected the healthy things again that I used to enjoy. I started walking daily(3 miles a day) and was writing in an online journal weekly. After I toned my legs with the walking, I started running and quit smoking cigarettes. I had something to look forward to again. I had something to identify myself besides mom or wife. I wasn't a model mother, I wasn't a trophy wife. Why not BE something for MYSELF? I am worth it. You're worth it too, CrunchyMommy.
 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

 I have a horrendous time opening up to people but I really, really want to. OK I'm starting to ramble, sorry!!

There, you did it again! lol You stopped opening up. Sorry, I just found it a little ironic. I just started by opening up to a therapist. There are tools to start talking to people more. You might try to make plans with one friend one week and another friend on another week, so you have something to look forward to and you won't seem so needy to one friend or the other. Also, try to make those meetups less then 7 days between, so it doesn't seem like such a long wait or that it's a dull routine to go out on the same day, each week. Mixing things up a bit never hurt anyone as long as it's maintainable.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

 I had trouble IDENTIFYING myself. I didn't know who I was besides a mom, a wife, a sister and a daughter. Those 4 things consumed my life. There was nothing for ME. What WAS I?

I can relate so much to this. I didn't meet my husband until I was 30, and felt very blessed to quickly go from single woman with no prospects to wife, mother, SAHM to two little girls. Then I got really, really depressed and I couldn't figure out why. I had what I had wanted for so long and had given up on. My DH adores me, we are middle class, my DD are beautiful. We have a golden retriever!   I finally had the dream!

It took me a while to realize that I needed to make space in my life to be me, and then even longer to give myself permission to do so.

My biggest advice to moms of babies is to take a little time for yourself. I really don't know exactly how to do that because I didn't figure it out until my kids were older. But if I could go back and change one thing, that would be it.

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I am doing MUCH better today. I spent the last 2 days hanging out all day with close friends and their kids and it really lifted my spirits. I am so so much happier when I am around my friends... but it's hard because I don't want to be 'needy' or anything so sometimes there are big gaps in my social calendar (the last 2 days were last-minute get-togethers so I thought I had nothing going on all week). Plus sometimes when I am around friends I still feel so lost & lonely -- usually when there's something weighing on me but I don't feel comfortable talking about it or whatever. I have a horrendous time opening up to people but I really, really want to. OK I'm starting to ramble, sorry!!

I just wanted to respond & send you . From what I have read about you here on MDC, you are dealing with some major challenges with tons of courage.

Be needy. It's OK. You are probably not as needy as you think you are. Good friendships can handle helping each other through hard times. You are not alone in feeling lost & lonely, even when around friends. I know what that's like, and it sucks. Keep having the courage to reach out to your friends anyway.

Also, how is sleep going for you? Are you able to eat healthy food? Along with exercise, sleep & food are so central to our mental health.

Just keep posting & letting us know how you're doing. And how things are going with DS.

I'm rooting for  you!

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow, it's great to have so much support from you all, thank you!!

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Do you have a good friend that you could talk to about getting together with to clean house? I never managed to arrange this, but it was one of my ideas for my own depression. I always thought it would be wonderful to have a friend that I spent two days a week with -- one at her house cleaning, and one at my house cleaning. In my fantasy, the kids helped keep each other amused.

That sounds lovely.. I'm not sure any of my friends would be able to commit to something like that though, they seem to have busy & erratic schedules or something. I do well with regular & predictable plans but my friends are more spur-of-the-moment types.

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

So glad you're feeling better.  It is also good that you recognise that the moods are cyclical. I recently realised that taking Evening Primrose Oil affects my mood immensely. 

I'll have to look into EPO!

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

And shortly after I saw there was a problem, I started seeing a therapist. We quickly found the spot where I was going wrong. I had trouble IDENTIFYING myself. I didn't know who I was besides a mom, a wife, a sister and a daughter. Those 4 things consumed my life. There was nothing for ME. What WAS I? Who did I want to be? I realized that before I got pregnant the first time, I had ran and worked out, but that stopped after becoming a mom. I found running really rewarding my whole life. I used to write before becoming a mom, because it helped me get all the junk out of my head. So I took a little bit of mom, wife, sister, daughter time out of my day and injected the healthy things again that I used to enjoy. I started walking daily(3 miles a day) and was writing in an online journal weekly. After I toned my legs with the walking, I started running and quit smoking cigarettes. I had something to look forward to again. I had something to identify myself besides mom or wife. I wasn't a model mother, I wasn't a trophy wife. Why not BE something for MYSELF? I am worth it. You're worth it too, CrunchyMommy.
 

That's what I need, I need to kind of rediscover who *I* am outside of just a mom & a wife. I do have a job (WAH) but I don't enjoy it or get any real satisfaction from it. It's kind of hard to find time to do something I enjoy though (if I could even figure out what that would be!) DS goes to bed at 11:30pm, at which point I'm wiped out, and he gets up late but I need to work in the mornings (I have to get in min. 20 hours/week) and he doesn't nap at home either so there isn't any point of the day where I can just do whatever I want. Well technically right now I should have the time because DH was laid off but it just doesn't work out that way, and when (if?) he finds a job I'd have to drop everything and focus just on DS... so I don't want to pick up a hobby that I may only be able to enjoy for a couple weeks or something!

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

There, you did it again! lol You stopped opening up. Sorry, I just found it a little ironic.

LOL that's true... I just don't feel like I have anything to say that others want to hear, so I try to restrain myself when I start spilling my guts.

I do get together with different friends every week. I love my friends, they are just amazing women. But I still have the issue of less predictability and stuff. I don't know why that's a big deal for me, but I've always been focused on that, I have a lot of trouble making or changing plans last minute (or cancelling... that often sends me into a deep depression, I take it way too personally).

Originally Posted by CI Mama 

I just wanted to respond & send you . From what I have read about you here on MDC, you are dealing with some major challenges with tons of courage.

Be needy. It's OK. You are probably not as needy as you think you are. Good friendships can handle helping each other through hard times. You are not alone in feeling lost & lonely, even when around friends. I know what that's like, and it sucks. Keep having the courage to reach out to your friends anyway.

Also, how is sleep going for you? Are you able to eat healthy food? Along with exercise, sleep & food are so central to our mental health.

Just keep posting & letting us know how you're doing. And how things are going with DS.

I'm rooting for  you!

Thank you (I didn't think anyone even really 'knew' me here on MDC!)

I am sleeping better, some nights I get even 6 hours straight or so! I'm always tired but more sleep isn't going to help that even if I could fit in more -- so I'm happy with 'better' sleep than I was getting for the 2 years prior to the improvement!! And I am eating OK, DH is great about making sure I eat pretty regularly and well, although I am trying to lose a few pounds so sometimes I find myself getting mad at him for making me food (poor guy can do nothing right). I think I just need to exercise more, I know it will help my mental health... if I can ever figure out how to make myself move again! Before DS and before I got so sick, I used to work out 6 days a week & I really loved it. I miss having a gym membership because that really motivated me. I don't think we'll be in a financial position to use a gym anytime soon though, the jobs DH is finding just don't pay well (not that they're offering to hire him anyway )...

[IwannaBanRN]

So, what did you do before becoming a mom or even a wife that you enjoyed? It's okay to need somebody. And as long as you're working and DH is looking, there's no reason to not find a hobby. There will be time to do things for you. It took me actually writing out a plan and schedule with my therapist to be able to figure out how I should manage my time. I think I saw earlier in this thread that you have time where you can't force yourself off the couch. You can find a hobby or rediscover what you loved in that time. Who cares if your DH gets a job. You can still take that time for yourself. Just a time where you aren't needed by anyone, even just an hour is great. When I rediscovered exercise, I got up at 5:30AM so I had that time guaranteed to myself and no one else.