Broken. - Page 2

[swd12422]

Hugs, Crunchy. Some of us do "know" you here, and you are welcome to open up anytime! I hope things start to look up soon.

I have to say, I started paying better attention to my diet the past few weeks, and I feel much less "down" than usual. I am taking a fish oil supplement 3x/day that helps my joints feel better, it's helping clear up my skin, and I think it's contributing to a slightly better mood. (Not saying it's a cure for real depression, but it's helping take the edge off a little.) I also decided to cut out wheat and all grains for awhile to see how that would affect me, and at the very least it's forcing me to eat more vegetables (I'm shooting for 9/day) which I've always been terrible about. Obviously, a healthier diet without processed food and whatever else my body considers "junk" (I've been told before to cut out wheat but I have a serious love affair with bread) will help my mood, but I've never been motivated to do it before. Now I've decided that enough is enough, b/c I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm drawn to the couch like a moth to flame! After two weeks of being nearly grain-free (had a couple of backslides), I feel SO much better already. And I'm drinking a ton of water, which, if nothing else, keeps me moving since I have to pee every 20 minutes. (But it is also helping my skin and helping me feel good.)

For me, it has been all about baby steps and finding one small thing I can do, one change I can make in my self-care that not only helps me feel better but leads to other small steps. (It seems that eating tons of veggies makes me feel thirsty, so I drink more water. Restricting wheat means that when I want a snack or just something to munch on, I can't have the cookies. The only other "easy" think we have are carrots or celery or baby cucumbers. I have NOT given up the ranch dressing that goes on them, yet, but at least it's homemade and lower-fat than store-bought...) Can you find something like that? Maybe a couch workout like a PP suggested that you give yourself time for every day? A walk by yourself (or maybe with your son if he can walk with you -- it doesn't have to be a power walk, just as long as he can be happy and safe on the walk)? A pretty water bottle that you drink from all day?

[crunchy_mommy]

Ughhh I'm back 'down' again. I feel like a crazy person!!!!!

I was hoping to do something with a friend today but we really couldn't afford it anyway, plus DS can't handle the crowds, so we stayed home most of the day and I just felt myself dropping, dropping, dropping...

And any little unexpected stressor puts me over the edge. Today was the dishwasher leaking. It ended up being quickly fixable and didn't cost us anything, but for a few hours I just couldn't figure out what to do with myself, it was stressing me out so much. And that was a relatively small stressor in the grand scheme of things! So I need to figure out how to handle stress better without shutting down or being self-destructive.

IwannaBanRN -- hard to say what I liked to do before I became a mom. I loved working out. I was incredibly busy. For most of the previous years, I was in school full-time, working anywhere from 1-3 jobs at a time, a member of multiple organizations, and doing lots of volunteer work. I loved working, going to meetings, just generally being around people. I guess I'm the quietest, shiest extrovert you will ever meet lol. I never really spent much time at home so I never really had to consider what I'd do when I'm there. I did like to read, and I still do, but it takes a level of mental focus I don't always have these days. I think I'm externally motivated, and without the pressure of school & grades, clients & customers, etc. I just have trouble getting myself to do or enjoy anything. I never planned to be a SAHM, the goal was always for DH to do that or put our kid(s) in daycare. I didn't expect to want or need to stay home with DS and I just never had any vision of myself living this kind of lifestyle.

swd12422 -- I am on a vegan, gluten-free, low-sugar diet. I noticed that even though I try to eat well, balanced, frequently, etc. I have a major issue with eating in front of other people or just in general when I'm out. And I *need* to stay out a lot to maintain my (semblance of!) sanity... so there are lots of days where, come to think of it, I'm skipping meals, eating just a few bites of snacks I brought for DS, etc. and even when someone hands me a plate of food, I just jump at any reason not to eat it. It's probably affecting my mood and when I get home I need to eat a good amount of food to 'catch up' which is not helping my weight-loss efforts at all!! (I need to lose 5-10lbs and it's not working). So I'm not sure that it's what I'm eating so much as how I'm eating it. I try to take vitamins but I always stop after a few days because I have a mental block with them (I'm philosophically opposed to them, I feel like I should get everything I need from food, and I can't justify the cost etc...)

I do need to take more 'baby steps' but I just find it hard to do even that when I keep sinking so low so often. It seems like I have 2-3 good days followed by 2-3 bad days and so I will do all these things like work out a bit, make gratitude lists, take my vitamins, etc. for those 2-3 days and then just stop. I am just caught in this cycle and I can't get myself out of it.

I have a dr's appointment next week and I'm hoping he has some idea why my thyroid meds aren't working & where to go from there. I thought about bringing up my mental issues but I'm too scared to and don't want him to think I'm psycho (usually if medical people hear about my issues or see the scars on my wrist or whatever they just discredit all my physical issues or call in social workers or whatever but I think our current doc may be different but I'm not sure I'm willing to take that risk, and he's DS's doc too so I don't want to screw that up, plus really, I doubt he'd be able to help me)...

I think I'm going to just go lay in bed and see if any of our 3 TV channels come in lol. I am so fed up with myself and I just want to drown my mind out.

[texmati]

i couldn't read and not respond! after so many years reading your posts, I feel like I know you! PM me if there is anything I can do

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I have a dr's appointment next week and I'm hoping he has some idea why my thyroid meds aren't working & where to go from there. I thought about bringing up my mental issues but I'm too scared to and don't want him to think I'm psycho (usually if medical people hear about my issues or see the scars on my wrist or whatever they just discredit all my physical issues or call in social workers or whatever but I think our current doc may be different but I'm not sure I'm willing to take that risk, and he's DS's doc too so I don't want to screw that up, plus really, I doubt he'd be able to help me)...

Keep in mind that you don't need to tell the Dr. much of anything.  You can ask him for a referral to a counselor, or to a psychiatrist.  If he asks, you can tell him that you are having some depression and anxiety problems, and that you want to find a therapist, but are anxious about it.  You don't need to go in depth with the dr about it.  He probably won't be able to do a lot - but he WILL be able to help you find a therapist, a psychiatrist, or counselor.

Remember, Dr.'s have heard it ALL, and seen it all.  Most aren't out to get their patients - they are there to help their patients.  You deserve to find a way to get help for yourself.  You deserve to be happy, and to have a life that you are happy about.

[Linda on the move]

Hey sweetie -- I have scars on my wrists too! I feel like there should be a special club for us. Mine have really faded with time. No one notices them anymore.

Anyway, it sounds like money is really tight and that is making it more challanging to find ways to get out of the house. It also sounds like you finding something that works for your son is tricky.

Have you tried programs at the library?  They tend to be both free and kid friendly. Meeting a friend for story time and then going to a park together (take a cool drinks or simple picnic) could be a way to get out of the house without spending anything.

Do you have any natural areas near you? A state park or something? Spending time in nature is also good for my soul. We did this today -- I smelled pine and listen to a creek.

I can also relate to getting really freaked out over something minor. It's like there is a switch in my head, and once I'm in "overwhelmed mode," everything seems huge. I have no perspective at all. It always passes.

[IwannaBanRN]

You know...... I don't want to throw a diagnosis out there because I'm not a doctor or even a nurse, but are you sure you don't have a mood disorder that should be treated? I'm not sure that it's a slump that you're in so much as it might be a mood disorder KEEPING you in the slump. It might be anxiety, it could be clinical depression, it could be bipolar. All of those things will keep a naturally active and happy person down in the dumps. I'm on medication for bipolar and I have to admit that that was part of the reason I can actually half function today.

[mandib50]

i am also sorry you are in a dark place right now. i like the ideas everyone has suggested. i would also encourage you to discuss *some* or your issues with your doctor, and perhaps consider medication. there are also crisis lines you can call when you are feeling so down, and i am sure they can point you in the direction of resources in your area that may be helpful for you. i know you mentioned phone anxiety, so even if you called on your better days and asked for some help. are there any support groups in your area that may be valuable? i know there are even some online discussion/support groups that could help you move in the right direction if you cannot pick up the phone.

you deserve to have a normal life. you deserve to feel well. please don't give up, help is out there.

[crunchy_mommy]

I guess I always thought crisis lines were for people who were suicidal. I'm not suicidal, I mean I've wished/tried to will myself to die but I wouldn't actually do anything to cause it. My DS can't be away from me for even a few hours, so no way would I leave him permanently. Support groups are something I need to look into, I don't know if there's anything around here.

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

You know...... I don't want to throw a diagnosis out there because I'm not a doctor or even a nurse, but are you sure you don't have a mood disorder that should be treated? I'm not sure that it's a slump that you're in so much as it might be a mood disorder KEEPING you in the slump. It might be anxiety, it could be clinical depression, it could be bipolar. All of those things will keep a naturally active and happy person down in the dumps. I'm on medication for bipolar and I have to admit that that was part of the reason I can actually half function today.

Well... I know I have some disorders. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, and several other disorders (some are not relevant anymore). I suppose if I saw a psychiatrist now, they'd diagnose me with depression or rapid-cycling bipolar (plus the anxiety disorder). I'm terrified of being 'diagnosed' with any mental illness now, though, because of the way things happened when I was a teenager. Plus, I've been on every medication under the sun... anxiety meds, anti-depressants, anti-seizure meds that are supposed to regulate mood, ADD meds, etc. and various combinations of all those and really, they don't seem to work for me so I swore off meds several years ago. I don't know if I'm just immune to medication or what. I don't seem to respond to anything. Maybe I'm just too far gone.

[Linda on the move]

Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)? It was very helpful for my DD, who has a social anxiety disorder. It's about learning how to change the way you think, learning coping skills, etc.

Does you doctor know about your dx'es at all? If not, you might mention the dx of anxiety disorder, and ask for a referral. It's a lighter dx than some of the others.

Have you seen the Louise Hay stuff? She's my favorite self help writer and she has a ton a You Tube videos. My favorite book from her is "You Can Heal Your Life. "  Here is a link to one of them; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxKUAjsxSk8

[mandib50]

nope, crisis lines are for anyone in "crisis", not just for feeling suicidal. look in the front pages of your telephone book and there should be some numbers listed there that you could call.

you're not too far gone! CBT is definitely very effective and worth looking into.

[swd12422]

"Too far gone?" I doubt it. Meds are tricky, especially when you have multiple things going on and the meds conflict with each other. You just need to find a balance, as do we all, in some way or another! (My dad has multiple health issues, and he's having the same thing. One heart med is messing up the lung meds, but the blood thinners need to be.... blah blah blah. It's the same whether the meds are for physiological ailments or psychological ones.)

Hang in there. You can get through this.

[BabyMae09]

I have to chime in here. You say that you are on a vegan diet. That alone can cause nutritional deficiencies that can cause or exacerbate mood issues. When I was on a vegan/vegetarian diet, I had mood issues as well. When I began eating animals again, and added in fats from animals and otherwise, my moods changed a ton. In fact, removing corn products had a big impact as well, and when I then added in meat and fat, my mood jumped. I am also able to concentrate much better, and don't feel hopeless anymore.

A quick byte:

"One of the major vitamin deficiencies vegetarians risk is a lack of vitamin B12.

Found only in meat and dairy foods or foods such as cereal that have been artificially fortified, it is vital for cell growth and nerve function.

You don't need to eat much animal protein to get enough - an adult needs just 1.5mcg a day, and a couple of slices of meat will provide that.

But if you don't get even this small amount of B12 you are at risk of mild neurological problems, including mood swings and depression.

'A vitamin B12 deficiency can manifest itself in extreme fatigue and brain or mood problems,' says Bridget Benelam, from the British Nutrition Foundation."

Vitamin D (sunlight) is also important to mental health, as I am sure you know. Also, I am not sure how much grain you consume, but wheat/other gluten grains are so unhighly digestible these days. That can lead to all kinds of issues, one of which is candida, which has also been found to contribute to moods and depression. Candida is not as hard to cure as some people think, it just takes a while. Traditional Medicinals makes two teas that are good to help clear up Candida: Pau d'Arco and the Detox tea (not the lemon kind, their other detox tea).

Here are some links that may help you:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/364101-depression-as-a-vegetarian/

http://www.cholesterol-and-health.com/Vegetarianism.html

http://www.cholesterol-and-health.com/Vegetarianism.html

Also, look up anything by Weston Price. I wish you the best of everything.

[blessedwithboys]

Hey, just popping in to offer some virtual encouragement.  (((hugs)))

My ds has rapid-cycling bipolar, so I know how much it sucks.  I, too, really hate those types of labels and I REALLY hate meds, but it's the only right way to go with him.  Please, on your next "good" day, seek whatever help is available to you.

I noticed your siggy...remember, if you are not getting enough good quality sleep, it'll only make your mood swings and depression worse.  Can you arrange for some help with the LO to catch up on some rest?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by BabyMae09 

You say that you are on a vegan diet. That alone can cause nutritional deficiencies that can cause or exacerbate mood issues. When I was on a vegan/vegetarian diet, I had mood issues as well..

This is really interesting to me. I've been both vegan and vegetarian in the past, and now I eat a diet including both meat and diary. I feel better with more protein and with animal protein. I also feel better with whole grains in my diet. There is also such a push to limit carbs in our culture, and it effects my moods when I do. 

The one supplement I've been able to tell a difference with over the years is B vitamins. Taking B vits. all month really take the edge off my PMS related mood swings.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't think my vegan diet has much to do with it (based on timing etc.) but I'm trying to keep an open mind about that. I don't know that there's much I could do about it anyway, as I have an extreme dislike for most animal products and the ones I like make me ill... plus we can't afford it. I've been on a gluten-free diet for the last year and try hard to eat whole grains. I kind of feel like I've exhausted most of the do-able dietary changes & supplements at this point.

I was doing CBT last time I was in therapy but that was so many years ago and I really wasn't in a position to be receptive to it. Maybe it would work better now. It kind of comes down to money, really... I think there is one place that does provide free therapy (like a DV center) and I can see if my DH could contact them for me.

Things are hard when DS is the way he is. I am really affected by his moods and lately they are really negative, and even the things that always worked, aren't working anymore. He's been crying so much all week, and I feel bad for him but at the same time so upset because I cannot get a moment of peace, he doesn't want anything to do with DH, I am the only one he will accept for comfort, sleep, etc. but lately he is screaming for me and kicking & pushing me away at the same time. I just don't have the patience. Well, I can be really really patient with him, but I turn all that frustration in on myself I guess. Or on DH. Really, I just want to take a week or two off and go sit in a hotel room & sleep and watch crappy TV and get room service and just get a break. I'm so tired.....

I feel bad that you all have given me so many great ideas, yet I'm having trouble implementing any of them right now. I suppose I'm in a bit of a crisis mode... kind of need to take care of DS's medical issues and my own medical stuff and get through this horrible phase DS is in (PLEASE tell me it's a phase, I can take 'hard' but this is 'impossible'!!)... Maybe once those things are taken care of, I can start to work on all your ideas.

[texmati]

My son does the same thing. Have you considered just leaving him with your dh for a bit and getting a break? After getting pregnant with my daughter, my son started to do that to my *husband*. he would scream for papa all the time. The first few weeks of me taking him were difficult, but he's learned to accept it.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I don't think my vegan diet has much to do with it (based on timing etc.) but I'm trying to keep an open mind about that. I don't know that there's much I could do about it anyway, as I have an extreme dislike for most animal products and the ones I like make me ill... plus we can't afford it. I've been on a gluten-free diet for the last year and try hard to eat whole grains. I kind of feel like I've exhausted most of the do-able dietary changes & supplements at this point.

I was doing CBT last time I was in therapy but that was so many years ago and I really wasn't in a position to be receptive to it. Maybe it would work better now. It kind of comes down to money, really... I think there is one place that does provide free therapy (like a DV center) and I can see if my DH could contact them for me.

Things are hard when DS is the way he is. I am really affected by his moods and lately they are really negative, and even the things that always worked, aren't working anymore. He's been crying so much all week, and I feel bad for him but at the same time so upset because I cannot get a moment of peace, he doesn't want anything to do with DH, I am the only one he will accept for comfort, sleep, etc. but lately he is screaming for me and kicking & pushing me away at the same time. I just don't have the patience. Well, I can be really really patient with him, but I turn all that frustration in on myself I guess. Or on DH. Really, I just want to take a week or two off and go sit in a hotel room & sleep and watch crappy TV and get room service and just get a break. I'm so tired.....

I feel bad that you all have given me so many great ideas, yet I'm having trouble implementing any of them right now. I suppose I'm in a bit of a crisis mode... kind of need to take care of DS's medical issues and my own medical stuff and get through this horrible phase DS is in (PLEASE tell me it's a phase, I can take 'hard' but this is 'impossible'!!)... Maybe once those things are taken care of, I can start to work on all your ideas.

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

"Too far gone?" I doubt it. Meds are tricky, especially when you have multiple things going on and the meds conflict with each other. You just need to find a balance, as do we all, in some way or another! (My dad has multiple health issues, and he's having the same thing. One heart med is messing up the lung meds, but the blood thinners need to be.... blah blah blah. It's the same whether the meds are for physiological ailments or psychological ones.)

Hang in there. You can get through this.

I agree! When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, I was put on a mood stabilizer AND an anti-depressant. HUGE mistake! I went into a manic state within 3 days of being on both meds at once and I stayed up for days and snuck out of the house at night and went for walks for hours. I was 15 when I was diagnosed, and also misdiagnosed at age 13 with ADD. It seems hopeless when things are bad and when I was first getting back on meds and getting established with the mental health center, it seemed to take FOREVER to be seen and get my medication, and it made me feel so crummy. I'm not saying that medication is the answer to your prayers, because I've made other life changes too that helped me (exercise, therapy, being more productive in the house). Hang in there, crunchy mommy.
 

[blessedwithboys]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


I feel bad that you all have given me so many great ideas, yet I'm having trouble implementing any of them right now. I suppose I'm in a bit of a crisis mode... kind of need to take care of DS's medical issues and my own medical stuff and get through this horrible phase DS is in (PLEASE tell me it's a phase, I can take 'hard' but this is 'impossible'!!)... Maybe once those things are taken care of, I can start to work on all your ideas.

You know how on an airplane, when the oxygen masks fall down, a parent is supposed to put their own mask on first, and then put on their childrens' masks?  If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be the mama possible!  I'm a single mother and I do this all the time.  Kids first, me last.  Well, I'm fat and tired and grumpy because of it, so lately I've been making a point to make my own health as much a priority as theirs and I feel better all around and am a better mother for doing it. 

Here are your Tuesday (((hugs))).  Why don't you post and tell us one nice thing you did for yourself since we last heard from you?  It won't get better over night, but it will get better, I promise!  :)

[swd12422]

Everything BWB said! So true (including the fact that I am fat and tired and grumpy). You have to take care of yourself so you're strong enough to take care of your family. And I like the challenge of finding even one small thing you did for yourself (maybe you could challenge yourself to post one each week, then maybe two each week....). Maybe it's telling your hubby you're taking an hour off for yourself and going for coffee or calling a friend on the phone (uninterrupted). Maybe it's finding 10 minutes to take a walk around the block. Maybe it's "exercising" with DS -- do some jumping jacks (you don't have to jump if you can't, but you can do the movements and DS can jump), try out some modified push-ups and sit-ups, leg lifts ("how high can you lift your leg, DS?") and some stretching.

If nothing else, please let us know how you're doing!

[crunchy_mommy]

Well I tried the meditation thing but it did not work at all. Not good.