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Broken. - Page 3

post #41 of 78

LOL! I tried it once, too. Once. I don't get it. I wish I could! I'm sure it takes more than one half-hearted try (I used to take yoga and the yogis all said it takes lots of time to "get it" -- I'm sure I'm the perfect candidate for it, b/c I just don't have that kind of patience. Ironic, isn't it?) but that's all I could manage before I gave up. Yoga itself, though, I love.

post #42 of 78
Thread Starter 
Well I actually got into the meditation (for the first time ever!) and it started out great but ended very badly & triggered me to do something I shouldn't have. I guess I should stick to things like yoga, good call on that, it definitely seems to go better for me too...
post #43 of 78

What kind of meditation where you doing?

 

I'm a yoga teacher and I practice meditation. Is there anything I can help you with?  I personally find a seated meditation difficult. I can do it now, but I practiced moving meditation (which is what all yoga ideally is) for years before I could just quiet my mind and just be.

 

 

post #44 of 78
Thread Starter 
It was a guided imagery meditation, I found it on youtube. It was actually wonderful at first, I'm not quite sure what happened. I think when they got to the part about letting go of past hurts, I just got totally flooded & overwhelmed. Usually I don't get that far, the few times I've tried still meditation in the past, I got too anxious to even get into it in the first place. My anxiety is lower lately so I was able to relax into it, at least at first. I guess I'm pretty frustrated & confused because I really tried, for the first time in a long time, to do something positive, and it turned out so negative.
post #45 of 78
Thread Starter 
Hmm also I notice that I can't handle positive feelings very well, so when I started to feel joyful/peaceful during the meditation, it was very uncomfortable and that's right about the time they mentioned the past hurts thing and it just went downhill. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't so good at first.
post #46 of 78

Is there a part of you that thinks you don't DESERVE to feel good? That's what it sounds like to me. Might have to dig deep for that answer. Sometimes those things are buried.

post #47 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post

Is there a part of you that thinks you don't DESERVE to feel good? That's what it sounds like to me. Might have to dig deep for that answer. Sometimes those things are buried.



I wonder about this too. But, even once we realize that we don't feel like we deserve to feel good, it can be hard to let go of that and move forward.

 

For me, the things that my father said to me when he was abusing me were how I saw myself. Having had such hateful things said over and over to me when I was just a child became my internal track of what I believed about myself.

 

__________________________

 

I usually really like guided visualization/meditation. (I'm going to a live one a little later today!).

 

But one time I had what I can only describe as a "bad trip."  It was a recording, and a person that I usually really like, but something about it was just ..... freaky for me. Very dark and scary. Sometimes, when we get a really good look at what is inside us, it can be overwhelming.

 

Here are a couple of nice you tube videos that seem emotionally safe to me:

 

This is nice music and pretty pictures (about 2 minutes long):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHHjuETOW8Y

 

This one is longer, about 6 minutes, but very inspiring, with lovely affirmations between the photos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4zWBHFCmXM&feature=related

 

For me continuing to play new tracks of NICE things about myself has helped replaced those old tracks.

 

Peace

post #48 of 78
Thread Starter 
Thanks Linda, I will check those out next time I get some time to myself!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post

Is there a part of you that thinks you don't DESERVE to feel good? That's what it sounds like to me. Might have to dig deep for that answer. Sometimes those things are buried.

Yes... I think maybe you are right. I mean, on a logical level it doesn't make sense to me to feel that way, but deep down inside I just don't feel like a worthy person. I carry so much pain, guilt, and shame...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

For me, the things that my father said to me when he was abusing me were how I saw myself. Having had such hateful things said over and over to me when I was just a child became my internal track of what I believed about myself.

You know, this has a lot to do with it I think. I always thought my family was so perfect and wonderful and supportive. I thought they were a positive influence in my life. Now, I'm starting to realize that isn't true. I have some weird feelings about my dad (abuse??) and I have my mother's voice always echoing in my head. She has a way of saying things that sounds like a compliment but really is more of a criticism. I wouldn't even call it abuse, she means well, but she's always complained about me sleeping in, or relaxing & doing nothing, or getting an A- in school, or now it's not keeping a clean enough house, letting my DH change DS's diapers, etc. It's all about how lazy & inadequate I am -- but totally disguised as a compliment. It's so ingrained in my mind and it also makes me constantly question myself and my relationships with others and my feelings about myself.
post #49 of 78

I figured as much. When you said that you started to let go of past hurts and that you can't handle positive feelings very well, it was kind of a red flag of some sort of past abuse or self-hatred. Self-hatred, wether it's self-caused or someone put the idea into your head is a very dangerous thing. When I was with my ex, due to my self-hatred and my feelings that I didn't deserve to be treated right, I asked to be hit during intercourse and called horrible things. I associate the violence during intercourse with a past sexual trauma, and that it was the appropriate place to put the violence. One night, he slapped me too hard and I just had a melt down right then and there and realized there was something wrong with how I felt about myself.

post #50 of 78
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post

I figured as much. When you said that you started to let go of past hurts and that you can't handle positive feelings very well, it was kind of a red flag of some sort of past abuse or self-hatred. Self-hatred, wether it's self-caused or someone put the idea into your head is a very dangerous thing. When I was with my ex, due to my self-hatred and my feelings that I didn't deserve to be treated right, I asked to be hit during intercourse and called horrible things. I associate the violence during intercourse with a past sexual trauma, and that it was the appropriate place to put the violence. One night, he slapped me too hard and I just had a melt down right then and there and realized there was something wrong with how I felt about myself.


hug.gif thank you for sharing. I can really relate.
post #51 of 78
Thread Starter 
My childhood has been on my mind a lot and it really does explain my teenage & adult years. And in college I was physically & sexually abused for over a year and stalked etc. so there is just a lot of trauma that I haven't worked through. I wish I could remember my childhood but really, I can't handle the stuff I remember from college so do I really think I can deal with more??
post #52 of 78

Don't go where you don't feel you can yet. You don't have to fix this all at once. I've known several therapists who don't believe in going there at all, but just moving forward. They say, "It doesn't matter WHY this is. Whatever happened when you were a kid already happened and it's over. Maybe it helps to explain some things, but really, do you need to understand all the whys or can you just move forward?" This may or may not work for you, and I'm not saying you shouldn't do any work. (I'm pretty torn myself right now about whether or not I really need an explanation of "why" or if I can just do what I need to do to improve today and tomorrow. So I'm not telling you what to do, just offering a different perspective.) But do what feels right. If you're feeling overwhelmed with DS and your health, etc. maybe it's not the time to bring up old hurts and buried feelings. Go easy on yourself.

Sending hugs for you today.

post #53 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

My childhood has been on my mind a lot and it really does explain my teenage & adult years. And in college I was physically & sexually abused for over a year and stalked etc. so there is just a lot of trauma that I haven't worked through. I wish I could remember my childhood but really, I can't handle the stuff I remember from college so do I really think I can deal with more??


If it's almost a lifetime of trauma, it's going to look big and ugly to get through. I went through 5 years of therapy and still there's times where I have come upon an issue from the past and been like "whoa! I need to step away from this right now. I can't deal with it right now." And that's ok. It just needs to be dealt with some way or another. Either by consiously acknowledging it, admitting that things are not like that anymore or processing your feelings with a therapist. Until all of the baggage is inventoried, you will stay miserable, I'm sure.
 

 

post #54 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post
still there's times where I have come upon an issue from the past and been like "whoa! I need to step away from this right now. I can't deal with it right now." And that's ok. It just needs to be dealt with some way or another.


When I have those moments, I say to myself "I am safe right now" over and over. It's helps to bring me back into the present.

 

I also hang up signs around my house to remind myself of the new thoughts I'm putting in my head. For awhile, I had a sign on my mirror (so I would see it first thing in the morning" that read "It's OK to be happy. I can enjoy today."

 

Right now, I have a sign on my refrig. that says, "I easily flow with change. My life is divinely guided and I am always going in the best direction"

 

post #55 of 78

Linda, you are so frickin wise! I really, honestly look up to you on here. love.gif

And right before I responded, I printed up a few positive affirmations to put up around the house. lol

post #56 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post

Linda, you are so frickin wise! I really, honestly look up to you on here. love.gif

And right before I responded, I printed up a few positive affirmations to put up around the house. lol



ROTFLMAO.gif  well, a lot of my posts are about parenting a special needs child, so I really hope you never need those.

 

There have been times in my life when I was so sad and really didn't feel like I could talk to anyone IRL. The internet was a safer place for me. I figure that some people are still in that situation, and I want to let them know that there is hope. There are lots of different tools to try, some work better for some people than others. But there is hope. We can become happy as adults, even if we didn't get what we needed as kids. We can move past depression. We can make our lives what we want them to be.

post #57 of 78

I meant on here, on this board. I do read some of your stuff on the special needs board, as I'm trying to get my son in to get evaluated for bipolar, though. I did print out some positive affirmations and put them up around the house. There's one on the fridge that reads "Be nice, even to the rude. Misery only loves company" Then there's one on the bathroom mirror that says "It's okay to be you. YOU are a wonderful person!" And I have one on my full length mirror that I seem to get stuck looking at that says "Self-worth is not in appearance. It's in what you have done today." And I placed them purposefully in those spots as those are the places I feel the worst about myself and places I walk by several times a day.

post #58 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post




 Until all of the baggage is inventoried, you will stay miserable, I'm sure.
 

 


No, she doesn't have to. People can ALWAYS choose joy. I've been through my share of stuff (past and current) and I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to forget for a while and move on with what is happening. OP, you do NOT have to stay miserable until all your baggage is inventoried. I am sure that you will NOT stay miserable unless you allow yourself to. The fact that you were doing so well with the meditation is a GREAT sign. Don't let the fat that the end of it was hard get you down - that happens when people first start doing it. Keep at it :) and by the way, you are my hero. You are choosing to handle some intense things with some real grace and courage. Great job, Mama.

 

post #59 of 78

Almost ALWAYS there is something blocking a person from being happy or functioning properly on a day to day basis. It's not that person's fault that they are that way, it just needs to be dealt with one way or another. Most of the hurtful actions have to be sorted through either by a therapist and talked about or a person can go through them themselves and say "this is what happened, it wasn't my fault and I can be an okay person today." So YES, she can choose joy, but it's not overnight. Alot of people don't have a choice but to sort through traumatic experiences and KNOWING, deep down that it wasn't their fault and that they deserve happiness.

post #60 of 78

How are you doing today, Crunchy?

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