Change childs class before the first day of school?

[littletree]

I'm all for letting kids work out their problems on their own and learning to be self sufficient, but sometimes the line is tested.

DD is entering the 5th grade in a few weeks and is anxious because of a girl in her class. Last year they stared off close until said girl, I'll call her "A", started saying mean things about other kids in an attempt to be popular. DD wanted nothing to do with this and came home upset and sometimes crying saying she didn't want to go to school anymore. A's mother and I talked about the situation but it never seemed to get any better. Their teacher saw what was happening too. We discussed it but still not much changed.

Now DD and A are in the same class again. I'm so worried that this will be an ongoing issue. DD has always loved school and 5th grade is a really important year. I know there will always be drama and mean girls, but what if I can ease it just a bit. Is it totally unreasonable to request a change of classroom?

Thanks!

[ChristaN]

Did you make a request last school year that they not be placed in the same class again?  If you did and they didn't honor that, I don't expect that they would change her now.

Also, do you know anything about the 5th grade teachers?  Would your dd be as happy with the other teacher options?

[littletree]

I didn't make any requests. The other teacthers are great too and I think she'd do wonderfully with either.

[Linda on the move]

I'd go ahead and talk to the school.

I think most teachers would rather avoid drama.

But there may be some bigger issue on kids being classes that is effecting this too, but may be it can be avoided.

[LynnS6]

I'd definitely talk to the school. This is the kind of thing that I tell the school every spring (they ask about how your child learns best and what your child's educational needs are, and there's room for social stuff too). I would simply explain that your daughter is highly anxious around this girl and it affects her learning. You'd really like her to be in a different class.

[whatsnextmom]

You can certainly talk with the school before the session starts but be sure there aren't specific reasons your child is in that class. You wouldn't want to pull her out of a class where her working peer group. If she's in a certain math group and that math level is only offered in one class for example. I don't know your situation but just double check all the ramifications of moving her.

I'm all for splitting up kids who are a problem. I requested it for my DS when he was in elementary and it was the best thing for him.

[*bejeweled*]

I absolutely would not. I would teach my DD coping skills so that she is able to handle these situations at a young age. Life is full of difficult people.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by *bejeweled* 

I absolutely would not. I would teach my DD coping skills so that she is able to handle these situations at a young age. Life is full of difficult people.

One way to cope with difficult people is to spend as little time around them as possible.

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by *bejeweled* 

I absolutely would not. I would teach my DD coping skills so that she is able to handle these situations at a young age. Life is full of difficult people.

Much depends on what they are having to cope with. Adults have the power to either act upon or move out of negative situations. Kids very often do not. Plus, you don't throw kids in the deep end to learn to swim. You start them off shallow with an adult in the pool and they work their way to the deep end. Personally, I wasn't going to make my DS sit in class all 4th grade at the age of 8 with the boys who bullied him physically and emotionally all 3rd grade. It was bad enough he'd have to deal with them at recess. They were seperated in 4th grade and that along with other measures instituted by the school really turned things around. Now he's going into 6th and he's better equipped to handle those sorts.

Yes, life is full of difficult people but as adults, we tend to keep our distance from them.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by *bejeweled* 

I absolutely would not. I would teach my DD coping skills so that she is able to handle these situations at a young age. Life is full of difficult people.

I agree that teaching coping skills is important. However, this is not a new situation and it seems like the OP has tried for a year to work through the problems between the 2 girls, not only by herself but with the other mom and the teacher. I'd go ahead and talk to the school about changing classes. Unless there was a compelling reason to remain in the same class, I'd ask to change it. 

Continuing with coping skills is going to remain a priority, because these girls will still meet up during recess, lunch hours, co-curriculars, field trips etc. It will help to provide a little breathing room by separating them during class time. 

[*bejeweled*]

IMHO, this doesn't sound like a bullying problem. The OP's DD is in the 5th grade. If it were my DD, she'd be attempting to handle it on her own (with guidance from me).

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I it seems like the OP has tried for a year to work through the problems between the 2 girls, not only by herself but with the other mom and the teacher.




Yes, the mother has tried to handle it with teachers and parents, but did her DD try to handle it with the other girl? Did she ever tell her how she felt about what she was doing?

Edited by *bejeweled* - 8/9/11 at 12:32pm

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

Much depends on what they are having to cope with. Adults have the power to either act upon or move out of negative situations. Kids very often do not. Plus, you don't throw kids in the deep end to learn to swim. You start them off shallow with an adult in the pool and they work their way to the deep end. Personally, I wasn't going to make my DS sit in class all 4th grade at the age of 8 with the boys who bullied him physically and emotionally all 3rd grade. It was bad enough he'd have to deal with them at recess. They were seperated in 4th grade and that along with other measures instituted by the school really turned things around. Now he's going into 6th and he's better equipped to handle those sorts.

Yes, life is full of difficult people but as adults, we tend to keep our distance from them.

The above is a totally different situation. Your DS was being bullied by a group of boys.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by *bejeweled* 




The above is a totally different situation. Your DS was being bullied by a group of boys.

Girl bullying looks different than boy bullying. There's a wonderful book about it called "Odd Girl Out."

Girls have just as much of right to feel safe at school as boys, even though the threats tend to be social/emotional rather than physical.

[K1329]

I wouldn't hesitate to ask to switch classes. If both teachers are great, why not? There will be plenty of other situations that arise to teach social "coping skills", possibly even with the same girl - I assume they'll still see each other. I know many parents who have requested that their child be placed in opposite classes from another child, for various reasons.

ETA: I would also, whenever possible, try to have dd handle these situations on her own. The less intervention from us parents, the better, IMO.

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by *bejeweled* 




The above is a totally different situation. Your DS was being bullied by a group of boys.

I have to agree with a previous poster. Girl bullies are very different in technique but the damage is the same. I have no doubt there are PLENTY of difficult personalities for this child to practice her social skills on. She doesn't have to deal with this case when it sounds like plenty has been done to try to rectify the situation prior years. We're just not going to agree on this. It's one of those situations you really don't understand until you've been there either personally or have watched your child deteriorate before your eyes.

To the origional poster, I highly reccomend having your DD read "Hundred Dresses." It's a great, age appropriate novel based on the situation you are facing.

[karne]

I would talk to the school.  A year is long enough to have tried to work through the problem.  Dealing with difficult issues at school takes away from the learning, IMO.  Not that social skills, problem solving, etc. aren't learning-they are important skills.  But a "stuck" relationship isn't helpful.  I have also found that a year apart allows for new skills and growth to occur, so that next year the situation may feel more manageable to your dd, should they end up in the same class again.