tough decision(long)

[ryder]

i need some honest opinions please....
i am new here and it's hard to explain the past couple of years into one post. i live in a small southern town where my xdh and his family live. we get along really well as long as things go their way. i have custody of our daughter. xdh and i agree on the parenting of our daughter and he sees her on a daily basis. she spends the night with him maybe once every other week. xdh lives with his parents( he is a recovering addict). i feel comfortable with her spending the night because his parents are there.( i still miss her like crazy, but i am only 5 minutes away.) my mil and i are in the same profession. in fact, she helped me with the job i have now- but she has been in this county longer than i and has some obvious pull with the powers that be.
i moved to this town so that xdh(dh at the time) could go to school full time and then we would return to the mountains. i gave up being a sahm to work full time to support him in this endeavor. he, in return, did not go to school and developed some really bad drug habits. he has been in rehab and is doing well. our divorce was final in february 2004.
i have been interviewing for a position in my hometown. i need to make a decision in the next month or two... do i move my daughter 3-4 hours away (xdh can not relocate for another year) or do i stay here for another year? the new job would be in a really great school district and in the same town as my entire family. but if we stayed my daughter would go to the same elementary school as her grandma(xdh mother) this next year.
so my question... should i stay or should i go????

[wonderfulmom]

Move. Officially begin your new life. ((hugs)) & Best Wishes!

[paloma]

I respectfully disagree. Barring any other factors, your dd needs to be around those people she is familiar with. She needs not to have the upheaval of moving and leaving xdh behind.

[anothermama]

I think I agree with Paloma.

I'm sorry, but you cannot start a new life at the expense of your child. If it means your child would suddenly be really cut off from the family she knows and sees regularly NOW, thats harmful to her.

Most courts agree with that, as well. Most custody agreements these days will include a clause stating that neither parent can move more than an hour away from the other without the concent of the other parent, and this is because it's not in the best interest of the child if the child has an established custody routine.

I feel for you...........my husband got offered an amazing promotion we had to turn down because it would mean moving my daughter several hours from her dad. He has regular visitation now. It wouldn't be fair to her, aside from the fact that my custody agreement wouldn't allow it.

[ryder]

thank you for your responses...
i am trying to make the best decision possible and am weighing everything. my daughter is stable here and has had a rough year with her dad in rehab and going to daycare 5 days a week. i think that she has handled all of this as well as any 3 yr. old could. she is very close to all of her family- she sees my parents 2 weekends a month- and her father's parents several days a week. i am just lonely here in this town where the only family i have are his family.
thank you for responding- i respect the opinions of the mamas here.

[karen ann]

I don't know whether you should move or not. I think it's a tough decision that I cannot presume to make (even hypothetically) for you.

But I think you really ought to get legal advice before you do undertake this. As anothermama pointed out, courts generally have something of this nature in the custody agreements. If you don't yet have a formal custody agreement, this is something you may want to consider getting. If you move without checking the legality of it, the smooth (at least that how it sounds here) relationship you're in with you ex's family could take a turn for the ugly. It could wind up in a court battle with your DD stuck in the middle. You might even want to discuss some of this with the ex (or at least his parents if you don't feel you can talk to him directly because of his problems), find out how they feel about having her that far from them.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
\|/Karen Ann

[dirtlovinmama]

It appears to me that you have sacrificed a lot trying to help xdh, while married and since divorced. If he and his family are dedicated to maintaining a rich relationship with your daughter, they will, even when in another county, state or even country...

For what I gathered in your post, you have given and given and are feeling empty. Nurture yourself too. All to often mom's get stuck playing martyr for the family and kids...

If moving offers you a positive nurturing change..DO IT WITH JOY and be proud of yourself for loving yourself rightfully...this will be a powerful example of integrity for dd later. Staying may make DD feel guilty later in life for knowthat maybe she held you back from becoming fully youself...anyway good luck and let your inner wisedom guide you.

Namaste

[oatmeal]

You say EX can move in a year.

I say go, especially since you have extended family.

Does it mtter that oyur MIL got you job?

I don't see why.

Go, let ex catch up, he can see dd weekly anyway, right?

I say go.