My Grandmother Is Suicidal Because Of Abusive/Alcoholic Grandpa

[IwannaBanRN]

She's in her late 60's, and my grandpa's alcoholism has gotten so bad that he is possibly drunk more than half the day. He has always been demeaning to her, but the more his alcoholism progressed, the worse it got. A few months ago, he threw a phone at her with my uncle present. My uncle put him in his place and he slowed down on the drinking for a bit and behaved better, but now it's back full force. His life literally depends on him, because he does NOT cook for himself, wash clothes, etc. You know, pampered his whole married life by a caring wife the 1950's way.(always cooking or cleaning, catering to him) She's so emotional about it and feels so stuck that she feels like she can't leave. Silly things, like "I can't leave, because I worked so hard to make the lawn look nice and he won't keep up on it" or "who will take care of the house?" I am praying for her, and I hope that whatever you guys believe in, you could pray, send good vibes, etc. Anything helps. My mom has offered to share her house (which is plenty big for grandma to be there) but she's scared one way or another to leave. I know she would feel totally isolated at my mom's house, because she has lived in the same small town for 50 or more years. All of her friends and relatives are there, and my mom lives 3 hours away from there. She can't stay in the same town as him because he would find her and bully her into coming back because that's how he is. I WANT to rescue her, I want to tell her she doesn't have to live like that. She's my grandma, I don't want her hurt. My grandpa, I could care less about right now. He's a man, he knows the acceptable ways to live, and belittling and hurting anyone, especially his wife is a NO! Any advice? Is there anyway I could call elderly protective services for this?

[RiverTam]

Yes.

Throwing things at her is abusive. You can call adult protection.

If her worry is that she doesn't want to leave her house, she can apply for an order of protection that will force him to leave the house.  You should contact a domestic violence agency or legal services office for help with that.

[IwannaBanRN]

Thank you. I just don't want to upset her or force her to do something that she's not ready for, but at the same time, what if she hurts herself and I'll regret not taking action?

[LynnS6]

I'd definitely call elder services, and see if there are any domestic violence services in town. Your grandmother has been abused for many years, and it's probably going to be very very difficult to get her to move. Change is scary for most people. Change when it involves an violent alcoholic spouse is terrifying.

If someone witnesses something like this again, I'd tell them to call the cops. Your grandfather should be removed from the home if he's abusing your grandmother, and ideally she shouldn't have to move. Practically speaking, however, unless he commits a serious offense, he'll be back out soon. She can get a protective order, but will it be enforced where she lives? Will she call the cops if he violates it?

Finally, another thing I'd worry about is your grandfather slipping into dementia -- alcoholic dementia is similar to regular dementia, but is often seen much earlier. One of thing it can do is loosen inhibitions (so if things like throwing the phone at your grandma is new, it might indicate a new loss of inhibition). In other words, if your grandfather is declining, your grandmother may be at greater risk.

Is there any way the family can get him into treatment? Have him committed?

[IwannaBanRN]

It's a very small town, with one squad car as far as police goes, and the town is very simple living, and the cop tends to be very lenient. Even if the cops were called, I'm sure my grandmother could talk the police officer down and say it wasn't as bad as it sounded. I don't think there will be any stopping his drinking until he's dead and gone and he's even said so. "I'll die before I stop drinking....hiccup......."

[LynnS6]

It sounds like until your grandmother is ready to move, there's not much you can do. You can alert the authorities. You can tell her that your home is always open to her. But you can't make your grandfather stop drinking or treat her well. You can't make her get out of the very unhealthy relationship.

[IwannaBanRN]

Update since the start of this thread. I'm sure alot of his horrible behavior is alcohol related, as he's slowed down on the drinking and is treating her alot better. I'm still keeping elder service's number on speed dial though, just in case. She deserves much better.

[kayleesmom]

praying for your grandma and grandpa. big hugs. thinking of her.

[kitchensqueen]

Is there any way your family can encourage your Grandfather into AA or a similar treatment program?

If he's being physically abusive and you (or your family members) witness it, I really recommend calling the police and having him arrested. He could seriously hurt her, or worse. 

For your Grandmother, continue to be supportive in the ways that you have been - let her know she's loved and supported and has a safe place to go when she's ready. 

[PudnHead]

Does she attend Al anon?  If not, maybe she should.  It is designed to help the people involved with alcoholics.  Many people have been in the same position as her and can help her with what she is going through.  It is anonymous like AA so if she knows someone in the meeting, they shouldn't gossip about what they hear (if that might be an issue). 

Here is a link that shows where meetings are:  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html .

[IwannaBanRN]

They live in such a small town that there aren't even enough alcoholics to make up an AA meeting, let alone an Alanon meeting. I guess things have been better lately and he slowed down on his drinking. I'm just hoping he either stops or keels over so he's not making her miserable anymore.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

They live in such a small town that there aren't even enough alcoholics to make up an AA meeting, let alone an Alanon meeting. I guess things have been better lately and he slowed down on his drinking. I'm just hoping he either stops or keels over so he's not making her miserable anymore.

If you want someone to talk to him or talk to her contact Montana Central Services. I'm sure they've dealt with distance problems and rural isolation out there before.

http://www.aa-montana.org/index.php