The back story: My partner and I have 7 kids between us- 4 mine, 3 his. We've been together for 2 years. We live in neighboring apartments in the same apartment complex. The kids were placed with dp by cps shortly before we met. In the 2 years we've been together, the kids' mom has been over to see them, maybe 6 times. She couch surfs around the area, so she's close by. I have completely taken over as mom for the kids- they do totally come over before I've had my coffee, which would be my last holdout as far as boundaries!
This summer, dp is taking a difficult class, and I have been the only care provider for 8+ hours a day, every day. My relationship with the kids has deepened and I feel more like a mother to them than ever. So when their mom showed up yesterday for a visit, I was floored. I didn't see this coming, I guess because she never comes here and it never occurred to me. It's so obvious that she's their "real mom"! I know, I know, I'm their rock, I'm doing a great job, I'm a hero and all that. Please, someone on this board must know how heartbreaking it is to see their total devotion to a woman who has brought nothing but misery to their lives!
But it gets worse. The court ordered, 14 months ago, that she could have supervised visitation, once a week, as their dad sees fit. She was supposed to come and fix dinner for them, spend time, and put them to bed. Needless to say, she's never done that. She was also supposed to continue therapy, and the therapist would tell the court when she was fit to have the kids unsupervised. She never did that either. She has promised to come countless times, and disappointed the kids. I am the one helping them grow up despite this massive upheaval and disappointment, and my opinion based on that is that she should only be allowed to come when she can do it regularly, at a specific time that she honors. Because of course the deepest wound here is the shattering of their trust.
No-one thought she would show up. When she wanted to spend the night, dp came and said he wanted to check with me. Hah! I said no, but he let her stay the night anyway, because the kids obviously wanted her to. This morning, he didn't want to wake her before he left for class (well, she does have a toddler with her too). So I'm expected to supervise her visit (or not, he thinks it's fine if she just stays with the kids), and then be there to take dss to his kindergarten assessment at 11, then to his day camp afterward. In other words, he expects me to facilitate this whole thing even though I think she should be banned until she shows the intention to be a consistent and positive presence for the kids. Ok, not completely banned, but I want there to be some boundaries, or if dp doesn't want them, at least he should deal with it!
I'm just so upset right now.