How to Stop Co-Sleeping/using Mom as the security blanket?

[JaguarEyes]

Hi everyone,

DS is going to be 3 in October.  We co-slept since he was a few months old, and he breastfed til just after he turned 2.  It's been 10 months since he stopped nursing, but he still *insists* that I wear my nursing tank top and holds onto the strap to fall asleep.  I thought it was a good transition for him for the first few months, but am now wondering how to break him of the habit.

He goes to preschool and obviously naps there without it and does fine in school, but whenever I am around, that's what he wants to do.

He goes to sleep in his own bed which is at the other end of our room, but often takes so long to go to sleep that I fall asleep too and often am still there in the morning.  If I wake up at some point, I go back to my bed.  But invariably he wakes up, sometimes even as early as a half hour later, and climbs out of his bed and into ours.

He still wakes up at least once a night and even though he goes back to sleep immediately, the only idea I had (of putting his bed in a different room downstairs) would likely mean he would still wake up and then call for me, resulting in both of us getting less sleep.

He's never wanted any sort of "security blanket" or toy (other than me - LOL), I have tried.

He's very advanced for his age - articulate, strong, dexterous, etc., but a bit more emotionally attached to me than I think most toddlers are at this point.

Any thoughts?

I love snuggling with him but also would like to sleep in my own bed with my husband some of the time.

I have tried having him in his bed and me in mine just 10 feet away, telling him I was there and that he should go to sleep, but he stayed awake each time I tried (til 11:30pm!!!) until I finally crawled into bed with him, he took hold of the strap and went to sleep in 2 minutes.

He doesn't want the nursing tank without me in it - tried that too - even when it had been worn for a few days so it had my scent.

If you have any suggestions I would love to hear it!  Thank you!

[lifeguard]

We were pretty matter of fact about it when we decided it was time for ds to go to sleep without us (me really). I gave him warnings every day for a week that it was coming & then we started. We did the same bedtime routine we'd done the whole time but then cuddled for only a few minutes & I left the room & sat in the hall. It took awhile for him to accept it & I would go in & reassure him & tell him he was doing a great job & that changes were hard but that mommy couldn't lie with him anymore but I was right there. I sat in the hall for 2 weeks, then dh made sure to be in his office (right beside ds' room) for a week or so & then we were able to go downstairs.

I'd give him the option of the tank top without you but it sounds like he is using it to ensure you stay beside you.

As for the middle of the night - we are still struggling with it but I am happy he sleeps half the night in his own bed & he doesn't need me to fall asleep on his own anymore. One step at a time.

[JaguarEyes]

Thank you, lifeguard!  It helps to know others are going through this sort of thing too.  And congrats and good luck with baby #2 in October!!

[DianeFuentes]

Great idea. My mom told me she used to put her used clothes in my crib to put me to bed because I kept crying. I guess that won't work when they get a bit older.

[akind1]

I did similiar to Lifeguard  with DS, starting around his 1st birthday (but he was in a crib then) - I stayed in the room, in sight, but didn't engage him (talk, etc) . . . now he is in a toddler bed (as baby girl will be using his crib) and I or DH lay with him or sit next to him until he falls asleep. He usually sleeps until 2-4 a.m. before waking and wanting to be with us. SOMETIMES he even sleeps until morning - 7-9 a.m without waking and wanting us. Those are good days!

Like Lifeguard, I'm happy just to have the bed to ourselves for the majority of the night. It's not worth the struggle, to me, to get him back in his bed with only a couple hours of sleep time left (for me; I get up to work around 6)

Can you DH do bedtime? I'm trying to work on DH doing DS's bedtime, because I will likely be busy with the new baby and might not be able to handle both at once. Even if it means leaving the house for a bit (so you are really not available) for a few days during bedtime - just a thought.

[foreverinbluejeans]

It takes the longest for the oldest to move out of the family bed. They may want to stay in their mother's bed until they are 4 or 5.  After that it can be easier for siblings if they move into a bed or room with their older brother or sister.

I think there is a power struggle going on. Your child should not be telling you what to wear. It sounds like you aren't setting boundries when you should (what you wear) and may be forcing him to do some things too young (wean, move out of your bed, go to preschool). The norms in our society are not what young children have been doing throughout human history. It is normal for human children to nurse until 3, 4 or older, to sleep with their mother, and to be with their mothers all the time. Just some thoughts.