Urgh. I LOATHE Early Pregnancy Uncertainty!

[SparklingGemini]

So, I've mostly been lurking with the occassional posting because I have a history of recurrent pregnancy loss and the early part of pregnancy is always stressful and uncertain for me.

But I've been feeling good about this one.  I had a loss in May, got pregnant in June and here I am. My only other pregnancy that has stuck was my DD which was the cycle also directly after a loss(loss in September, pregnant with DD in October.) I'm taking this as a good omen. 

Anyway, my midwives are dolls and have no issues referring me for an ultrasound just for reassurance purposes.  Two weeks ago, I had a dating/confirmation ultrasound.  Everything was great! Baby was right were I suspected s/he should be, with a lovely, strong heartbeat.  I felt SO good! SO relieved!

Fast forward to yesterday, I had an appt, with one of my midwives and she asked if I wanted to try and hear the heartbeat even though I was only 10w3d.  Even thought I KNEW it was a slim chance and KNEW it would freak me out if we couldn't find it, I opted to try because I knew it would be reassuring. 

Well, we couldn't find the heartbeat. 

Now, I'm freaking out a bit internally, even though I'm well aware of the fact that it's normal to have a hard time at ten weeks. I have no reason to suspect anything is wrong.  I have plenty of early pregnancy symptoms; tender breasts, food aversions, excruciating fatigue, mild cramping, lack of ambition, etc. No bleeding.

But I'm still scared. I want this baby more than anything.  We've been trying for so long and the emotional roller coaster is exhausting. 

I don't know why I'm even posting this.  I guess just to get it out.  Talk it out.

I do have a referral for another ultrasound, if I want.  And I do want to know.  But I also kind of want to be in denial if something IS wrong. 

*sigh*

Thoughts?

[sagewinna]

I can relate so much to your post. I waffle between wanting to get a home doppler so I can start trying to find the heartbeat and waiting for my midwife appt at 12 weeks (When I know they will be able to find the heartbeat). I just had an ultrasound last week, at 8 weeks, and everything looked great. Now I keep wondering if I should go in for another so I can make sure the baby is still alive. (My losses were missed miscarriages so I didn't know until an ultrasound that I lost them) i am just trying to breath and take it day by day. I have a feeling I would only feel better for a short time after getting another scan or hearing the heartbeat before doubt started creeping back in.

[StacieM]

(((HUGS)))

I know how you feel!  Any hint that things *might* not be right makes us worry.  I hope you get a confirmation soon that your LO is just fine!

[cameragirl]

Those first few weeks of uncertainty are rough. I also had a loss in May and got pregnant without a complete cycle in June. I went into this pregnancy while I was still grieving, and wavered between numb and scared. For what it is worth, and I know it isn't much, but conceiving so soon after the loss might actually help ensure that this pregnancy goes well. Your hormone levels are up, and your body wants to be pregnant. The large majority of women that get pregnant right after a loss have a normal pregnancy and healthy baby.

You only have another week or two until doppler is easier to use. Maybe they'll let you come back in for a quick listen? I understand about the denial that you're able to have without the ultrasound. I have had two because of the previous loss, and I was scared before both. Once I saw the baby, though, the fear melted away. It was reassuring to see that everything was okay. Hang in there. It won't me too much longer before that heart beat is easier to hear!

[BirthFree]

I normally don't freak but I've been crazy nervous this go around. If I had a history of loss I don't know that I couldnt just spaz daily. Thank you for sharing. You will be in my thoughts!

[Cellist]

I feel the SAME WAY with regards to the uncertainty and freaking out if we can't find a heartbeat.  Which is why you have now convinced me not to let them try until at least 12 weeks.  (I also was totally relieved at the 8 wk u/s with a lovely heartbeat, but now, a week and a half later, am feeling anxious and uncertain again.) 

I like it MUCH better when you get to the part where you can feel the baby move and the kicking and movement is reassurance.  That part of pregnancy is SO MUCH BETTER.

Know there are lots more of us anxious mamas here with you; come back and post again if you want to get more anxiety out on the screen!

[3timesamom]

Yeah I haven't told SO MANY people because what if I do? What if everything isn't alright and now I have all these people up in my face? GAH. Honestly even if I thought that I should go in like your typical pregnant lady at 8-10weeks I can't. I don't have time! I have three other kids and a daycare. I have NO time for that crap! LOL I am glad to see a midwife. That way I don't have to take all the daycare kiddos!

[cameragirl]

I wish I could go the midwife route with this pregnancy. (Had to get an OB because I need MFM to follow the pregnancy for my neurologist to feel comfortable about it.) None of the OB or MFM practices allow children anymore since the whole swine flu outbreak. We home school, too, so we have to find a sitter every time.

[sagewinna]

I pulled out some maternity clothing this morning, my daily clothes still work (in a frumpy way) but we went to a wedding and I didn't just want to look bigger than usual. The whole time I was looking through the bin I was panicking. What if I start to wear maternity clothes and I lose the baby? I have had thoughts like that about various things, what if i buy more prenatals and then I lose the baby? What if I tell ___ then I lose the baby?

Some of it probably comes from the first miscarriage, I was just starting to wear maternity stuff (like for 2 days) and I found out the baby had passed weeks before.

Is that weird?

[cameragirl]

I don't think it is weird. I have been doing the same thing. It was very difficult to get the maternity clothes out after just having a miscarriage. I had just started to get a little tummy the last time, ordered some maternity things, and lost the baby the day after they arrived.

[3timesamom]

Originally Posted by cameragirl 

I wish I could go the midwife route with this pregnancy. (Had to get an OB because I need MFM to follow the pregnancy for my neurologist to feel comfortable about it.) None of the OB or MFM practices allow children anymore since the whole swine flu outbreak. We home school, too, so we have to find a sitter every time.

They would be really out of luck with me;) I would just bring them. I honestly don't have any other options. My highschool girl is in highschool. I have a couple friends but one is due any day and I just can't do that to her. The other one just had a baby and its 2 weeks and I can't do that to her, and the other one has an aversion to OPK (other people's kids) so that won't work;)

[3timesamom]

Oh! Thats so sad! When I had my miscarriage I didn't need maturnity clothes and my clothing wasn't snug. I was 8 weeks:(  So I think that the fact that your getting uncomfy and growing is a good sign. (Or to many Ring dings! LOL) I pulled my stuff out but honestly I was thinner with my last baby and all the stuff is cute, I just don't think its going to work for me:( I did find a pair of gaucho pants that I could pull off as not pregnant pants too:) I think. LOL My brother is getting married Saturday:) I have to find something to wear at his wedding:) I'm sure I will come up with a top to go with the gaucho pants:) Plus none of them knows that we are expecting. His wife would honestly take it as stealing her thunder. Infact she probably still will after she finds out a couple weeks later! Ah to be young again;)