So, I've mostly been lurking with the occassional posting because I have a history of recurrent pregnancy loss and the early part of pregnancy is always stressful and uncertain for me.
But I've been feeling good about this one. I had a loss in May, got pregnant in June and here I am. My only other pregnancy that has stuck was my DD which was the cycle also directly after a loss(loss in September, pregnant with DD in October.) I'm taking this as a good omen.
Anyway, my midwives are dolls and have no issues referring me for an ultrasound just for reassurance purposes. Two weeks ago, I had a dating/confirmation ultrasound. Everything was great! Baby was right were I suspected s/he should be, with a lovely, strong heartbeat. I felt SO good! SO relieved!
Fast forward to yesterday, I had an appt, with one of my midwives and she asked if I wanted to try and hear the heartbeat even though I was only 10w3d. Even thought I KNEW it was a slim chance and KNEW it would freak me out if we couldn't find it, I opted to try because I knew it would be reassuring.
Well, we couldn't find the heartbeat.
Now, I'm freaking out a bit internally, even though I'm well aware of the fact that it's normal to have a hard time at ten weeks. I have no reason to suspect anything is wrong. I have plenty of early pregnancy symptoms; tender breasts, food aversions, excruciating fatigue, mild cramping, lack of ambition, etc. No bleeding.
But I'm still scared. I want this baby more than anything. We've been trying for so long and the emotional roller coaster is exhausting.
I don't know why I'm even posting this. I guess just to get it out. Talk it out.
I do have a referral for another ultrasound, if I want. And I do want to know. But I also kind of want to be in denial if something IS wrong.