should i call cps

[monyaydend]

i have a 3 yr old son... and he is sooo scared of his father.. he was never with him since the day he was born.. yes he would come see him.. the only visition he has is what the attorney general has appointed.. that brings me to this question.. so i have to follow those visitation or dont know.. cause i dont think they are court ordered.  and yes he has gone with his father cause i do not keep him from him.. but every time i tell him he is going with his daddy... he starts crying and telling me doesnt want to go with him.  i ask him why and he tells me that he is mean, he doesnt love him, and that he isnt his family. 

there has been alot of times when he comes to pick him up and he runs to his uncle closes the door and refuses to come out.  we try to convince him to come out.. when he does he starts screaming bloody murder that he doesnt want to go with him.   so on some occasions he just leaves without him. 

now what worries me is my ex was in a relationship and in that relationship he was charged with family violence.. apparently he was hitting her.  and he also has 2 cps cases on him one is very recent but with the son he has with his ex.  not my son! 

but i dont know if i should call cps for the reason that my son is so afraid of his father... what should i do!???

please help

[BroodyWoodsgal]

You need to do something. You need to find out what your legal obligations are, first of all, if it's not a court ordered visitation schedule, what is it? Can you stop it? What process does he have to go through to get a legal judgement for visitation if you one day decide to stop it?

Were I you, I'd be documenting what happens each and every time he comes to pick him up, I would write down everything he says about his dad and would make sure to document and be able to count and name dates of every time the kid was so terrified that dad had to leave without him.

I mean, my own son will sometimes scream so loud, so long and so...well, scary-like, that you would imagine he is being tortured. But he's really just an extremely intense individual and needs a lot of help with transitions that involve leaving my side. For any reason. But you are letting him go off with an unknown entity...you cannot assume he's "just being a kid" because there are too many x factors. If he says he's scared, that's probably not for no reason...even if "the reason" turns out to be that he just doesn't like his dad and doesn't want to go with him, you have to investigate this further.

If this is your sons reaction to him, why does his dad persist? I mean, what is he really getting out of this? Do they ever have fun together?? Does the father describe what things are like once they drive away? What is his reaction to this?

You need to find a way to make these visitations stop, or make them supervised (by you, by a relative, whatever) until you get to the bottom of this. You need to find out what your legal obligation is, asap. Don't do anything before you get that figured out, because you don't want to make any moves that could paint you in a negative light for the courts.

Good luck. This sounds like a difficult situation...but as a general and unbreakable rule...if my child says s/he is scared of you, you are going *nowhere* with my child. Period.

[AmyBP]

Agree with the above poster. If you don't know where to start or who to turn to, call the CPS and tell them you have concerns and that you aren't sure about the legal status of these visits. They should be able to help you find the resources you need.

[LynnS6]

You might want to post this in Single Parenting -- I'm pretty sure a lot the parents who post there have good experience with visitation issues. A lot of what you can do depends on what the court order is, where you live and what the laws in your state are. (You probably don't want to post a lot of identifying details.) If there's been family violence, you might be able to request something like supervised visitation.

[LROM]

If your ex has indeed been charged with family violence against his new girlfriend AND CPS case re: her kids, that is a GAME CHANGER.

In other words, whether there is a court order or not, you need to notify CPS and ask for advice re: how to protect your son.  Even though your son doesn't have specific allegations (by the way, when your son says "He's mean", do you ask him "how is he mean?  What does he do?  What don't you like?"?  Those are important questions that may get more details from a 3 yr old), the fact that your ex has these allegations (and ESPECIALLY if he's been found guilty of any of them), that changes everything.

Contact CPS, and also contact the courts.  You can basically just go to your local family court (wherever you think this court order sits) and ask how you find out the specifics.  If there is an actual court order, you should have received that - did you get it but don't know where it is, you never got one, or you're not sure?

Contacting CPS is not so much because you have an allegation that he's has actually hurt your child (unless your child gives you more details), but instead it's to make sure you know all the things you can do to stop visitation until you are sure it's safe.  It's about getting advice and finding out your options.

Lastly, even though some 3 yr olds can be overly dramatic about change and things like this, my experience (I work for CPS and have for almost 20 years) is that kids that young RARELY make up that kind of fear and anxiety.  It's almost always real.  And even if it's an "over reaction" to whatever your ex has actually done, it needs attention and your son needs help dealing with it.

I am all for doing everything possible and healthy to maintain strong bonds between children and the non-custodial parent, but NOT when it causes the child distress or the other parent has documented behaviors that very predictably could harm your child. In those cases you need to do all you can as the other parent to a) find out how bad (or not bad) your ex is treating your son and his new family, and then decide (with help and support if you want it) what is best for your son and figure out how to make it official.

If there is no formal court order, in most states you can just tell your ex that you're stopping visitation because you think it's having a very negative impact on your son.  If he wants to try to go to court to establish visitation, you can bring in what you've learned about him (family violence charges, CPS charges) and that all matters in court.  But if possible, it's best to just try to avoid sending your son to visit your ex until you can find out what is actualyl going re: his charges, CPS charges, and whether there is an actual visitation order in place or not.  If you can make up reasons for not sending him while you find out, that may be best until you really know where you stand.  He's likely to get upset if you tell him you're stopping it because you think it's really bad for your son, so you want to be ready and sure of your Plan A and your back up plan. 

But once you know what your ex has done (to your son, his girlfriend, or her kids), what the status of those allegations are, and what your rights are, you do need to make an official stand and communicate it honestly to your ex. 

If your ex is violent, you also need to think about support for yourself.  What will you do if he has a bad reaction?  How will your stay safe and keep your son safe?  Does your ex have pick up rights at your son's school/daycare?  If you end up not wanting himt o contact your son, make sure all the people your son stays with know what is going on and what to do if ex shows up.

Best of luck, please please let us know what you find out and what you decide to do!